I think my soon to be stepson is too young to be a groomsmen. ….input?

posted 2 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 2
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

chellebelle13:  Sorry, but I don’t think this is your decision to make. This is your FI’s son (I assume) so it’s your fiance’s decision. If your fiance wants his son to stand by his side during the ceremony, then you need to respect that. I feel that including the son of the groom in the wedding is more important that than having an uninterrupted ceremony. However, a compromise might be letting him sit in the front row for some of the ceremony, if your fiance thinks it’s too long for him to stand.

Post # 3
Member
7212 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I thnk if you feel this way about a ceremony, you need to ask yourself how you feel about being a stepmom. 

You’re marrying this child’s father and if you can’t respect his desire to treat his son as you would your  own kid ( and I can’t imagine a mother arguing against her child being included like this) then I think you need to do some soul searching for your FIs sake. 

Post # 4
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think this is one of the most important days in his father’s life … and in his life … and he should be standing up in the wedding, ADHD or not.  Especially if his father wants him standing up.  To “sideline” him would be showing him that he’s not important. 

You will be dealing with this child for the rest of your life, so better to start including him right away rather than looking like you don’t accept him and his issues.

I think that you need to tell him that if he is bored/Drestless during the ceremony, he is welcome to go sit with an adult.  Or assign an adult the responsibility of helping manage him if he becomes bored/restless.  And be sure that he has some “distractions” at the reception if he’s bored.  Or that there is someone who can take him home if he so desires. 

Or tell your husband that you’re concerned that the boy will be bored/distracted and what can be done to counteract this during the ceremony/reception.  Do NOT suggest he do something other than stand up.  If I was your husband, hearing that you wanted to sideline my kid from standing up in the wedding would only piss me off.  Approach it like “how can we help him not be bored/restless” and you’ll have a better reaction. Maybe the adult to help is a possibility or maybe your husband knows of another way to “keep him on task”. 

Post # 6
Member
5267 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

That is your FI’s decision to make, not yours.  As someone who married a man that already had a child from a previous marriage, I would advise you to tread lightly in matters related to your FI’s child.

Post # 8
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

chellebelle13:  I think we all agree that an 11 year old groomsmen doesn’t have any responsibility except to wear a matching suit, be in the ceremony, and be in some photos. The only other role I’ve seen for a boy that age is as an usher, but I think being a groomsman is actually easier, because he just needs to stand there. I don’t know how bad your stepson’s ADHD is but I’ve seen children that age as bridesmaid or groomsman, no problem. Like I said before, perhaps give him the option of sitting during the ceremony – but still being a groomsman.

Post # 9
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

We’re having my will-be 8 year old stepson standing up their with my SO. Yours should be fine.  I actually suggested it, and of course my SO and his son were thrilled.  The kid loves dressing up 😉

Post # 10
Member
9529 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would, absolutely, let him be a groomsman. Have a spot for him in the front row, where he can sit, if he wants during the ceremony. But let him be a part of the ceremony, especially if that’s what your fiance wants. 

When I was 8 my dad got remarried. They were pregnant, so the whole thing was put together quickly. I distinctly remember that at the rehearsal, I figured out I wasn’t “in” the wedding and I bawled. I felt so left out. I was excited about the wedding (because weddings are super exciting for kids) but so hurt that I wasn’t a part of it. I didn’t know her very well, at the time, and so there were lots of mixed emotions about losing my dad to her and this just brought everything to a head. I don’t know exactly what happened or what was said, but I ended up being a “junior bridesmaid”. I don’t really remember what I did, but I think I just folllowed the lead of the bridesmaids. Looking back, my stepmom was probably horrified by this last minute change, but I was so happy. She’ a sweet lady and I don’t think she was trying to exclude me, but that’s what it felt like. I’m so glad she gave in, I’m sure it would have been a harder trasition if I was still bitter about that after they were married.

Post # 11
Member
2516 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

chellebelle13:  maybe have him participate (like walk down the aisle) then when the ceremony starts he goes and sits in the front row with his mom/grandma ect? 

ETA: Have him do all groomsmen duties before and after the ceremony, just during the actual event he sits withsomeone so he doesnt have to stand/pay attention/not fidget. I had to stand for an hour long ceremony and as an adult I found that hard, I couldn’t imagine how hard it would be for an ADHD child to stand still for half hour or an hour.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  Boxerlover24.
Post # 12
Member
450 posts
Helper bee

chellebelle13:  I think you are looking at this from the wrong angle – if your FI’s SON will find it hard to keep focussed during a long ceremony, then it is aspects if your wedding you need to be altering not your stepson!

Post # 13
Member
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My FIs godson is the junior groomsmen and he just turned 11. It never crossed my mind he wouldnt be able to handle it. I think the age of 11, even with add is plenty old enough to stand for a bit. Hs an important part of our life and i would rather him be up there and figit a bit than not have him standing by us. Hes two years from being a teenager!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  nessdawwg. Reason: typing on my phone
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