(Closed) I think our friend is gay? Why won't he tell us?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@dayl20:  don’t say anything. No matter what his sexual orientation is, and no matter how close you are to him, it’s none of your business until he decides on his own to be open about it. If he is gay, he may not have told anyone yet. This is about him, not you. So don’t turn it into something about you by acting offended that he hasn’t confided in you. He will when he’s ready or when he chooses to. Support your friend by not calling him out. 

Post # 4
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@TattedNYBride:  + a million

One of FI’s best friends is gay. We’ve known for years (he came out to me), but he has never come out to Fiance (as in, “Hey, Coach, I’m gay”). Let him be.

Post # 5
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@dayl20:  with no offensI intended, it is absolutely none of your business. Sexual preferences are a personal thing and just because you are open minded doesn’t mean he is comfortable sharing. He is still trying to come to terms with it most likely. You shouldn’t say anything at all, do not hint, do not insinuate. This is a conversation that he should start if/when he is ready to.

Post # 6
1109 posts
Bumble bee

@dayl20:  leave it. he most likely hasn’t told parents so if he tells you, maybe he’s afraid Word will get around. He could also be very confused and while you’re  close friends, he must want to figure it out alone. I agree with all the PP’s.

Post # 7
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I must agree with all the previous ladies. It really isn’t your business. He may still be coming to terms with it or he may just not feel the need to discuss his sexual orientation with anyone as it shouldn’t have any bearing on anyone other than him and his partner(s). 


You’ve done what you can as far as letting him know you won’t judge him.  The rest is up to him. 

Post # 9
2780 posts
Sugar bee

@dayl20:  I agree that you shouldn’t say anything. Maybe he doesn’t even know for sure if he is gay or not. Bringing it up will just make everyone uncomfortable. Wait for him to tell you.

Post # 10
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

he hasn’t told you because it’s not your business/he isn’t ready/he doesn’t want to. definitely don’t pry

Post # 11
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Meh I don’t feel sexual orientation is something you have to announce to people, whether you are comfortable with it or not. I mean, did you explicitly announce that you were straight to him? The best thing would be to just let it be and if there are any issues in his personal life that he wants to discuss with you, he will seek you out when he is ready. 

Post # 12
733 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t know, I’m going to play devil’s advocate and say that, if he asks you regularly about your intimate life, I don’t see why you can’t tactfully ask him about his. I wouldn’t come right out and ask “are you gay?” but I might ask him pointedly more about the gentleman who stayed over. It’s possible that he’s just reached that point where it’s awkward to come out and say “I’m gay.” Who knows, maybe he would appreciate you creating an easy opening for him to come out to you. Anyway, clearly I’m in the minority, but if you’re good friends and he actually brought a houseguest home, it seems like maybe he’s inviting conversation about this on some level. I’d hate to see your friendship constricted because of awkwardness on both sides when you could grow your friendship by stepping up and asking something. Obviously you don’t want to push him to come out if he’s not ready (so I wouldn’t say “are you gay?”), but I don’t see anything wrong with providing easy opportunities for him to share if he wants to.

Post # 13
3766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow everyone is being kinda harsh IMO. I get where you are coming from OP. I understand he may not be ready to tell you, and that’s okay, but I’ve been in your situation and know how it feels. When I was in your shoes I was kind of “hurt” in a way cause I wanted him to feel like he could trust me as one of his best friends. The idea that he thought I might be turned off or not accept him nearly broke my heart! I didn’t care either way obviously, but didn’t want him to feel he had to hide a huge part of himself. I think you are a great friend, and will just have to wait until he brings it up and feels ready (if he ever does) to tell you. It’s possible he’s still questioning and struggling with it himself. Best of luck!

Post # 14
4606 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I know that it must be hard since you are such good friends, but he probably just isn’t ready to come out or isn’t sure of himself right now. I’ve had close friends that I knew were gay for years but have only recently come out because they felt like they were wrong (that’s the joy of living in Alabama). He knows that you support him and that’s great. If he is gay he will come out to you in his own time. 

Post # 16
652 posts
Busy bee

@dayl20:  Don’t say anything and leave it. It doesn’t matter whether or not he is, it is not in your place to call him out.

Support him as a friend, no matter what he is. Do understand it is a sensative topic for a lot of people still, so please respect these boundaries for now.

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