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Lol, wow... You're totally not being unreasonable. You have to find her shoes?? WTF. I would be very upfront with her and just ask where the money is going to come from. I would also try to get it upfront, because I'm not sure she's the type to pay it back.
If the list is too much for your schedule, tell her that, too. You're her bridesmaid, not her wedding planner. Sheesh, lol.
You aren't being unreasonable. And she's nutz for not doing any of these things yet. I would also assume she is expecting you to pay for her shoes, OOT bags and decor in addition to running around and getting it all.
If I were you, I would talk to her about it. Just say the truth that you are happy to be a BM, but didnt' realize she would ask you to do so much and are unfortuantely too busy at this time for the tasks she's given. Also say that you don't have the $ to front the expesnes (making it sound like you are assuming she would ultimately pay). There's no reason for her to argue with you since it's HER wedding and she should really be in charge of all this. It would be nice if her BM's didn't care and would happily take on these tasks, but really the only actual obligation you have is to show up on the wedding day.
BTW, $300 for a dress is she crazy??
I agree with jo.lee. It would be a different story if you volunteered to help her with some of these tasks, but it is completely unreasonable for her to tell you to do it - and it almost sounds like she IS thinking you will pay for it! What is that?!
If you don't mind doing these things (which you are NOT obligated to do), then I would ask for the money upfront so you know what kind of budget you are working with. Otherwise, I would just tell her you cannot organize all those things because you are just too busy. She cannot expect you to put your life on hold to get all her stuff done - just because she is too lazy to do it herself. And if she can't get out of town bags organized herself (for example), then she doesn't have to have them. This is her wedding to plan - not yours!
I really hope this works out for you because this is a crappy situation to be in!
@moderndaisy: this sounds extremely similar to a wedding my friend was jsut a bridesmaid in this past saturday....and it only ended in shame...if i were you, as i told my friend but she didnt do it, i would be upfront with the bride and if she still expects you to do all the things that she is supposed to take care of, then i'd politely step down....its her wedding, and while your their to support her, she cant expect the role of bridemaids are to plan the wedding for her....thats what wedding planners are for.
Ditto to all above. I just can't imagine where a bride thinks it is okay to use bridemaids as slave labor. I have been a BM 6 times and I have never been asked to do anything but get a dress and show up. Nutso!
She's way, way, way unreasonable. I'm so over brides who don't understand that their BMs have lives too.
First of all, just say no to things that you can't do or do well. Be very clear: you're doing her a favor by being honest--because she shouldn't rely upon you if you can't commit to doing something. And you can say to her as much: "I'd hate to say I can do xyz and then not be able to come through for you." If she demotes you off the BM team, then so be it (rude, but what can you do?).
And second, make it crystal clear who is paying for what. I don't think you should have to pay for ANY of it. If you agree, then ask her if she'll supply you with credit card information or how payments are to be handled. She can give you signed checks, she can give you cash, she can get a special wedding credit card for her BMs to use, but if she's flighty DO NOT--I repeat--DO NOT allow her to rope you into paying for stuff with the expectation she'll pay you back. That's a disaster. And if she refuses to put the money up front, then tell her the truth: you don't have the capital to be paying for this stuff, so if she wants it, then she's got to pay for it.
Wow, sounds like she should be on "Bridezillas!"
I don't get the thought process of some brides that bridesmaids are responsible for helping plan and execute the wedding. If you want to help, that's awesome! But this isn't your wedding-- so it isn't your responsibility to plan it. Your only responsibility is to show up on the wedding day in the outfit she has chosen. That's it-- and it seems that you're fully prepared to do that.
Definitely tell her that you're not going to be able to do everything that she's asked of you, and if you do help with anything, (like other PPs said) don't purchase anything with the expectation she's going to pay you back-- she probably expects you to pay for all this stuff too.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You're definitely not being unreasonable.
That is insane. Her shoes?! Really?
I agree with other folks that you should talk to her, but I would also say talk to the other bridesmaids. If they are all also upset, it might be better for everyone to approach her at once instead of 4 seperate people coming up. Maybe bring her a contact for a wedding planner? Cause this girl sounds like she needs one and stat.
But if you've already gotten your dress, I wouldn't back out of being a BM. But do NOT do these things for her.
I don't think it is the BMs jobs to plan the wedding. It's not the BMs wedding it is hers! She is asking for too much.
Whoa, she wants you to find her shoes?!
I'm going to suggest saying this to the bride:
"I'd be happy to help you with [insert things you would actually be happy to help with], but I'm unable to [insert things you can't do like pay for everything or run around at the last minute] because [insert the real reasons you can't do x, y, and z]."
Just be honest and firm with her. I'm sure you can find a way to help make her wedding special without starting a fight. It sounds like she doesn't really have a lot of passion for some of the things you listed so helping her knock things off of the list shouldn't be too hard. For example, just run into TJ Maxx and grab the first nice weddingish pair of shoes you see.
That's insane!! I've been a BM once and a MOH once. My only duties were to plan the shower, get my dress, and help with mailing invitations. It was always my understanding that BMs help with some of the manual labor, but it's certainly not their role to actually plan the wedding with (or in your case, FOR) the bride.
Eek.
I would have laughed if any of my friends had asked me to do that kind of stuff for their weddings. Laughed hard. For my friends weddings I have climbed ladders hanging lanterns in crazy heat, tied a million ribbons, stuffed bags, strung tiny lights in a big tent, set up chairs. folded programs..the list goes on and on but all of these were things that the bride planned and paid for and asked for our help to execute. Never has there been an expectation that we would plan, pay for and accomplish things on our list. And I've never been asked to buy shoes for someone else.
Your friend is being ridiculous. You need to talk to her and tell her what you are willing to HELP her do, not do for her.
Thank you! I've never been a bridesmaid before, but I thought this was beyond what was expected of me! I'm just going to be upfront and honest with her, and hope she doesn't get mad. I knew she was a little slow on getting things done, but I never thought it would get this bad! Thanks all!!
P.S. And I agree -- $300 for a dress?! I've already told her I'm taking it elsewhere for alterations, because (and I didn't know this before I googled it a week or so after my fitting) the salon ordered me 3 sizes bigger than what I normally wear (I'm normally a 10/12, they ordered me a size 18). The size chart suggested 1 size up, which is fine, but now I know its likely because they want to make more money on the alterations.
Perhaps you can explain to the bride that your duties do not entail finding her shoes etc. I think the is expecting too much, especially if you are not family! In regard to gift baskets, suggest that she pick the items and buy them and that you and other bridesmaids can set a date to get together and work on them together. Maybe the day of the bachelorette party y'all could make a day of doing gift baskets and then a party??? Be supportive, but don't get overwhelmed by someone who has not done the prep work herself! ~Good luck~
i can't believe she's going to make you arrage her out of town baskets...are you kidding me? she isn't even planning what to put in them? you should kindly remind her this is HER wedding.
wow, that is just ridiculously crazy. BTW-you can plan a wedding in a short time without having your BMs do all the planning. On-line shopping is pretty easy!
I don't even know what's going through her head. She doesn't have a flower arrangement nailed down, she hasn't picked a photographer, ordered her cake, nothing. I think she thinks she can just do it all a month before the wedding.
She's also doing everything really cheaply -- I get that she has a tight budget, but just having a wedding to have it isn't worth it if you're wasting your money. And I think she's also not thought everything through. I just can't believe she doesn't have a budget for any of it.
Her groom isn't the best, either. He hasn't really done anything except mail invitations, and really has no interest in planning the wedding past making the wedding playlist.
ITS REALLY ANNOYING. They're both grown adults. I have never been in a wedding, but I flipped through her planning books (unopened, of course) and cruised the web, and it seems like there's more and than enough resources for them to rely on.
Also, I'm slightly irritated with both of them because since the groom and I graduated from grad school, they've disappeared from my life and been pretty mean towards me. I know I'm whining and need to stop. I've put on a smile and not complained up until this point, and jumped whenever the bride needed something (such as running to the mall at 7:30 PM to help her find a dress for her shower the next day).
I just needed to vent.
I'm sorry you are going through this. She needs to get with it! This is too late for her: but generally the more time you have -the more money you can save, because you can comparison shop, look for 2nd hand stuff that works for you etc. Too bad she didn't use the time she has because she will likely have to hire whoever she can find that is still available. She should still check Craigslist ect. though.
Uhhh. What?! I will just echo everyone else and say no way! The bachelorette, sure. The shoes? NO. The baskets? NO. I could see possibly helping her put those together, but planning it, picking it all up and paying for it - no way!!!! Decorations? Also no. Some food for the day of? Maybe. But not cool that it's expected.
And who has a "cheap" wedding with $300 BM dresses?
I am wondering hwo did it actually come up? Did she pass out a list, or ask for help or what? I can see how a person would be too stunned to say anything in the moment, especially with others around. If it were me, though, I would back out of those excess duties ASAP and offer help with what I could.
Let us know what the deal is!
@Ms. Meowerson: lol...i'm not sure how much of a disaster it was but from what i heard i just felt bad for the newlyweds...i mean, i didn't hear that anything went wrong on the guests' point of view but on the bm's point of view, my friend was ready to just have the day over before it even began....the bride was def in my opinion a bridezilla.... the bm dresses were in the same price range, like 300-500...the bride shelled out a lot of her responsibilities to her mom and moh...like one example was tellin her moh to pick some cake caterers and make an appt for her to go to the tastings, and then moh told her of the appt and the bride decided to go to a hair appt instead and never told moh she missed the cake testing....not sure what was the result of the cake issue....she demanded all the girls to wear blue eyeshadow and certain color blush and they all had to make appts wit her to get their makeup done so she could approve, but they had to pay for the appt.....the day of, she did nothing but complain every step of the way....when they were lining up for the ceremony, the bride's mother wanted her to wear the veil and got into an arguement wit her cuz she didnt want to wear it...finally put it on, and because she was upset about it, she walked down the aisle with a sour face and all the pictures after the ceremony, she kept a stone face i guess cuz she didnt her way for her wedding... such a shame...
@tarlonda: I guess a couple days before the shower, she called another BM and was freaking out about everything that had to be done. So, then after the shower, at her "bridesmaids meeting" we went through a list a BM had found and checked off everything that needed to be done. And the Bride just kind of looked at us for the other things and kind of expected us to volunteer.
She already called me about the shoes, so I knew that was coming. Being the good BM that I am, I ordered her three different styles online and I told her she can pick between those styles. I'm prepared to tell her that if she doesn't like what I picked out, she can find her own pair. I e-mailed her a couple of weeks ago with a list of different shoes that I had found, with links so she could look at them and she never got back to me, so I went with what I thought was approriate.
The day before the shower, she told all of her BMs we had to be there at 12 to set up, which was fine, but I didn't really expect to because I wasn't involved with planning the wedding and the hostess (Groom's mom) never called me about it. However, the day of the shower she called me to pick her up a thank-you card for the hostess and to bring my camera -- 10 minutes before I was suppose to be there. That's what started getting me a little irked about this entire ordeal.
I wish I could back out of it, but I've already paid for my dress and I think it would be even more disastorous -- I really don't want that.
@Ms. Meowerson: They did, in fact, have time to pick out items for their registries. Didn't think about that.
maybe you can add along those lines: it's hard to find a shoes that fit your style and I don't know how much you want to pay.. (similar to decorations)
indirectly, that clarifying you are not going to pay for it
Wow! I can't believe how lazy she is! She's definitely just trying to throw work on you. I agree with the other ladies. I'd definitely talk to her. Those are not fair expectations at all.
And I hate the word, but here is it necessary. She is most definitely a Bridezilla. Run! lol
I think you need to just tell her honestly that its all a bit much. Your responsiblity is to pay for the things that you are going to wear and help with any other wedding duties but they dont have to burden shouldnt be completely on you and you most definitely shouldnt pay for her shoes or anything other than your day of outfit.
maybe she is just overwhelmed with the whole wedding planning and needed a lot of help. Just be honest with about what you can do. OOT baskets should be easy. Just make a list of what should go in it and find the prices of those items. The list should take 10 minutes. show her the list and tell her when she gives you the money you will go buy those items. If she doesnt give you money then you are off the hook. I dont know why you would need to find her shoes though. That is wierd.
But tell her what you can and cant do.
Wow. That is crazy. Whoever pointed out "time to register" - good point!
I didn't mean back out of the whole thing -- but I would call her and tell her after you thought about it more, you also do not have time to do so much for the wedding either. I would stick with:
BUT I would tell her you've done your part with the shoes - honestly, what more can you do? Just make sure you let her know what she owes you!
And I would just be upfront about the reception decor and out of town baskets. For OOT baskets, she's in luck - there is a solution when that gets too last minute. Skip them! That is what I would say to her at this point. Just skip it. People are not expecting them, and it is a lot of work that has not even been started. For reception decor, I'd also be frank and say - look, time is short, here are the easy and cheap things i have come up with and tell her to make her own decision, order whatever, and that you'll help with setting it all up. And I literally mean - ideas that are currently in your head. I wouldn't go to much trouble for that.
I think if you frame it from a "time is short, let's be realistic" and "I have a lot to do myself" standpoint, she'll come to realize you are right.
Honestly, she made her own bed!
I hope this helps... let us know what happens!
Since when did bridesmaids became employees???????? I'd just tell her: "Sorry, no can do, I'm really busy. Good luck with that though!"
I would recomment not telling her you'll buy the items if she gives you the money, but telling her to buy the items herself (in the nicest possible way)
People who ask for stuff like that should be prepared to hear a big no in return
Wow. I think it's ridiculous that she has left so much to the end, and pretty much expecting you and the rest of the BMs to help. It's one thing to help with a project or two, it's another thing to expect people to make purchases like shoes and out of town boxes for you. Hope things work out for you, but I would not be willing to shell out all of this money for her laziness.
Dag yo. Find shoes for the bride? That's nuts.
I'd gently point her in the direction of the nearest mall, failing that, google.
It would be a completely different story if she had found 'the perfect shoe' but couldn't nail it down in a store or find it online & adsked for a little help finding something similar (had she done it nicely..), but that's just nuts.
As for you paying for/arranging anything else, I would say ask her for the money. Straight up.
"Well I was looking into xxx, but couldn't confim/book because I didn't know what your budget for xxx was. So just let me know what you're comfortable with or give me an 'allowance' and we'll go from there?"
Usually I would just save reciepts and have the other person pay me back when all is said and done, but you said she's tight on cash & you're planning your own wedding, so I wouldn't risk the added debt.
"Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that the bride is not going to get anything done until the last two weeks before the wedding. I work two jobs, coach a high school sports team, and I'm already committed to a volunteering obligation. I don't have the flexibility to run around like a chicken with my head cut off planning her wedding."
Bring this up^^ just as you did here as it limits your ability to be her slave helper.
Yeah..she is "straight trippin' boo"! No way would I take on all of those responsibilities. I know you have already payed for the dress....but if you take on those tasks...just think about how much MORE money you will be shelling out.
@misslmac: That is INSANE. I suppose she's probably going to want you to carry her up the aisle, bake the wedding cake and serve the drinks.
I'd tell her to f--- off. But since there's a good chance that you're a kinder, gentler soul than me, I'd suggest just letting her know early and often that you aren't lifting a finger until she shows you the money.
Also, tell her that you feel that it's highly inappropriate that you pick out her shoes, and that you'd feel much more comfortable if she would at least go with you to the mall/DSW/Payless/wherever. After that, if she still insists you pick out the shoes on your own, you have a few options. You can either be nice and get her some good ones, or you can have a little fun and get her some white Crocs or something. If she doesn't like them, well, maybe she should have been a little nicer to her bridesmaids. :D
See now. First I don't have bridesmaids for my wedding but lots of my girlfriends are on email and phone calls with me to see how the wedding planning is going. When chatting with these girls I sort of vent a bit saying "Gosh I have so much to do! I haven't decided on the flowers yet and I can't find the blue shoes I have in my head". They will respond back with links to things I might like. Now that is more of what a friend should be doing. Not expecting them to order 3 pairs of shoes off zappos for you. There is a difference between support and assignments.
I would tell her that I would do the bachelorette party, but was unable to do the other things. If you feel inclined, I would definitely get the money up front. Wow- what a piece of work. I really like the idea of white crocs!
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My two friends are getting married. The groom was a graduate school classmate, and I became close with his girlfriend, now fiance/bride. They are set to be getting married in two months.
The Bride is a little flighty (I'm being nice. She's actually really lazy.) and very disorganized. They set the date for their wedding back in January, so they have had a lot of time to prepare.
I haven't heard from the Bride much since we picked out our dresses in May, and went shopping for her gown. I figured she was busy, as was I. She also got her invitations that same weekend and managed to send them out the second week of September.
Over this past weekend, the mother-of-the-groom held a bridal shower for the bride. Afterwards, we all sat down with her to have a "bridesmaids meeting." I was expecting she'd have last minute things for us to do and need help coming up with creative ideas for the smaller details.
Turns out, the bride has almost nothing planned. She booked the chapel and reception hall, picked out her dress, and the groomsmen have gotten fitted for their tuxes. But that's it.
She assigned each of the bridesmaids their own tasks. In addition to co-planning the bachelorette party, I am now responsible for finding her shoes, making the gift baskets for the guests staying at the hotel (She hasn't bought anything for the gift baskets, I am responsible for finding the items and making the actually baskets), and arranging the bridal party wedding day-of snacks and beverages. And I'm also responsible for helping her find and arrange decorations for her hall.
I'm also unsure about who she's expecting to pay for all of this. I know her money is tight, but she also didn't make a budget (we all told her to, she just never got around to it). I'm not prepared to shell out a lot of money on top of what I've already spent and I'm planning to spend ($300 dress w/o alterations, my own hair, shoes, hotel costs, bachelorette party, and bride's shoes). How do I tell her that I'm not okay with paying for all of the above?
Also, I have a sneaking suspicion that the bride is not going to get anything done until the last two weeks before the wedding. I work two jobs, coach a high school sports team, and I'm already committed to a volunteering obligation. I don't have the flexibility to run around like a chicken with my head cut off planning her wedding.
I don't mean to b*tch or sound bitter, but I agreed to be her bridesmaid. I think the other bridesmaids are just as ticked off as I am, because she really has not done anything in planning this wedding. I think she's being unreasonable -- or am I?