- 7 years ago
I’d like to remain anonymous, because this is a very difficult subject. Just know that I am an avid follower of this blog, and I just really need to get this off of my chest.
My fiance and I have been together for nearly 4 years. Engaged for over 1. Wedding is only 6 months away. And I am realizing that I don’t think this marriage is going to work.
If I got into exactly all the reasons why, the subject matter of the arguments, you all would be here a very long time. You already will be here a long time for me to get out what I need to get out. So let me just say, that this is an argument we’ve had for the past 3 years of our relationship. Nearly twice a year, we would argue about our future: I wanted a semblance of a plan, an outline, some sort of timeline for our future. When we may move closer to our families, when we might buy a house, when we envision having kids. Everytime it came down to it, he said he couldn’t give me an answer. That predicting those things was an impossibility, and he could not provide me with that peace of mind. Another year goes by, we have the same conversation, it ends the same way, with his typical politician’s “non-answer”, I eventually give in as always, and let it slide, and we continue with our lives. This subject arose when I found out he was going to propose: I knew there were major unresolved issues to do with our future, and again, surprise surprise, he could not answer them. So I said I couldn’t accept the proposal until he did. The argument passed with time, we continued with our lives, and the need for an answer seemed less and less important (because, obviously, I’ma fool.) Two months later he proposed, and of course, I gushed “yes”. Despite the unresolved issues. I blindly and stupidly thought love would be enough to get us through. That if he was willing to put a ring on my finger, then he was willing to commit to the success of this relationship, and that the relationship would take top priority in his life, as it had always been in mine.
We are both currently living in a city that to be totally honest, makes me miserable and unhappy, yet it’s where he has to be to pursue the career of his dreams (which, by the way, DOESN’T pay the bills). Whenever I ask him if he foresees himself pursuing any other careers, he follows with the statement, “Well you knew this is what I wanted to do with my life when you met me…”, and he tells me that it’s selfish and unfair to ask him to move to another location in order to settle down eventually. I find it equally as selfish for him to be ok with me living in a city that makes me unmotivated, depressed, and unlike myself in every way possible. I tell him that people change their views, their goals in life, and that if we cannot grow and change together as a team toward a common goal, then there is nothing left to negotiate.
We have lived in said city for 3 years, and in our own apartment together for exactly one whole year, this week. In that whole year, I became a different person. I was irritable, unhappy, moody, unmotivated, sad. There would be days that I wouldn’t leave the apt. That is not normal. ESPECIALLY for me. I cried to my fiance, I don’t want to live here, literally I would be happy anywhere but here. I expressed to him how I felt. Frankly, I didn’t need to because my depression was evidence enough. I have tried valiantly to embrace the city in which we are living, I promise you. I have tried so hard. But I know that this past year has weighed heavily on my mental and emotional state, and I think planning the wedding full throttle was the only distraction I had from what was really going on here. I was focusing on colors, fabrics, dresses, flowers, when I should have really been focusing on the MARRIAGE.
Our situation reminds me of that poignant (albeit, cheesy) saying, “A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where would they live?”. The question at stake here is not whether or not I love my fiance, or he loves me. He is my best friend. I wouldn’t change that for the world. But I also know that staying in an environment that is so unhealthy for me will only wear on the both of us, and ultimately our relationship, and the marriage will not last. How could it?
I have been begging for a compromise. If I commit to X amount of years in this city while you pursue your dream, will you be willing to then establish a family life in a city where we BOTH can be happy? After a lot of talking, crying, yelling, questioning, I got the answers that I have needed to hear for 4 years now. Unfortunately, they were not the answers I WANTED to hear.
He can’t foresee himself doing anything else in life, other than the career he is doing now, in the city he is doing it in. He says bottom line, he cannot promise me anything. He doesn’t know where he sees himself in the long run, but as long as this career is going well and he is succeeding, then he will stay in it, basically regardless of whether or not I am miserable. He didn’t come out and say that last part that bluntly, but with the questions I’ve asked, it is clear that that is his choice. He definitely wants a home life and children, but is doing nothing right now to achieve those goals. The only thing he is working toward is his career. Which makes me feel like he’s not ready for marriage at all. You can’t just wake up one day and decide, I want a house, I want 3 children. At our age (late 20’s) I think it’s perfectly acceptable to be putting goals into action to be able to start thinking about a family at 30. But I think he has expected me all of these years to just be ok with following around him and his career, living in whatever city he wants, and when he is done with it, me being ok with him moving on. What I’m saying is, my career, my desire to go back to school, my absolute and utter unhappiness with our current living situation means nothing to him, as long as he is able to pursue his career.
I’ve always felt/known that his priorities rank Career #1, Myself #2, His Family #3. I understand the importance of having a goal and following a dream, wanting to build a career. By no means am I asking him to give that up. But to know that he may never even re-prioritize his life to put me first, or our family first, our our lifestlye first, is a very scary realization.
I know what my life would be like if I decided to continue with the wedding at this point. I would really have to fit myself into his world, his life. I could pursue my career, continue my education, but it would have to be in our current city, and conducive to his plan. If I ask him to leave this city, and move away to a place that makes me happy, he says he will be miserable. If I continue to live in the city that he is asking of me, then I will be miserable. We have tried to find a compromise, but it seems that I’m the only one willing to come half way.
I can’t see any other way out right now than to postpone the wedding, get professional counseling, and see what conclusion we come to. However, unless I am willing to make all the sacrifices, then it’s very clear to me what will happen. I will be downtrodden by an environment that completely hinders me, married to a man who is not willing to make any compromises on my part. And those are two things that I cannot agree to for an eternity, and those are two things that I am not willing to accept in my life.
I cannot see how there could be a positive outcome to this, other than the fact that we now both have the freedom to choose the kind of life that we both want. Individually. Independently. And not together.
(I think it goes without saying that I am completely and utterly saddened by this situation. Any kind words that anyone can offer would make me feel not as alone in this situation)
Sorry to take so much of your time. Thanks for listening.
With a Heavy Heart,