Post # 1
I am sorry this is really long, but I need advice and I want to get the whole story out there.
Back-story: I was raised by a single Mom. She left my abusive dad and moved halfway across the country to keep him from finding us. She raised me and my two sisters without a job and without support from friends and usually family too (since they were so far away). She gave us everything. She saved to put us through college. In the past year she has had to deal with the death of both her parents and her older brother, the loss of her job, my sister totaling the car. She is dealing with some personal issues and empty nest syndrome. She is really doing bad. But she and I are really close I would do anything she needed me to do. Another back story, I am from a culture where family is everything, you don’t date without your family approving of the guy, when you get married its viewed as the joining of two families, not just two people.
The Fight: FI lives 3 hours away. We planned for him to come up for the weekend, he did and Saturday I went up to visit his parents with the arrangement being that Sunday he come visit my Mom. Sunday he doesn’t show up for breakfast as planned, calls 45 minutes late saying " BTW I will be late,” and then says “Sorry Ii ruined your Mom’s plan to plan out my weekend." I was so furious, how dare he insult my Mom in that manner. She invited him to breakfast, not to be chined in the basement for the WEKEEND. She has been nothing but nice and hospitable to him when he visits. I am so mad I tell her. I tell her he insulted her. I tell her I think he is being a royal jerk. So when he gets to the house I fight with him and then I call down my Mom, because if he wants to say those things he had better be ready to stay them to her face or else apologize. They have a huge fight and she calls him a liar. Well I ask him to smooth things out and he does.
Then last night he calls me and tells me he can’t marry me if I always take my Mom’s side. Its either her or him. He also tells me he thinks she is a drunk bitch, a good for nothing, a jerk, etc. I tell him I can’t be with someone with disrespects the person who gave me birth and raised me.
The Issue: I feel like he doesn’t really love me anymore. We have been together three years, I haven’t changed. I was always upfront with him, do not make an issue of my religion or my closeness of my family, because that’s two things I don’t compromise on. He was okay with that till now, two months before the wedding. He says he can’t marry me if I’m always going to defend my Mom. Well this time she was defending me, I am sorry but I was ANGRY at him and she just tried to stand by me. And he says" Well my dad’s first marriage ended in divorce because he didn’t realize that when he married his wife he also married her mom." (BTW now his family spends all the holidays with his DAD’s family and never with his MOM’s family). I don’t want to lose my FI, but I refuse to choose between the mother who has always been there for me and the guy I thought loved me.
Am I crazy, should I be with a guy who doesn’t think the way I am is enough? He wants to give me an ultimatum???? He wants me to change and cut myself off from the ones I love????
Post # 3
He doesn’t sound respectful of you or your mother. He said some pretty harsh words and it doesn’t sound like he’s sorry. The fact that he said, "Well my dad’s first marriage ended in divorce because he didn’t realize that when he married his wife he also married her mom" is the most bothersome because he’s insinuating that your marriage will fail for the same reason. My question to you is… was this a fluke bad weekend or is this foreshadowing the future? My opinion is that you should ALWAYS feel loved, no matter if you are having an argument or not. Good luck. *Hugs*
Post # 4
Hmm, maybe you should ask yourself, "If I DID take his side every now and then, would that fix the problem?"
Unfortunately, it sounds like you’re the only one who can figure this one out. I also have a very close relationship with my mother (raised my sister and I by herself), but at the same time, a marriage is about two people, and you do have to be there for your husband. I don’t see it at choosing one over the other, though. It’s more like recognizing your mom isn’t your only priority anymore. A marriage is a partnership, so mom can’t always come first all the time.
However, that being said, I do believe your fiance has some pent-up anger over this (probably because of his Dad’s first marriage). He was wrong to flip out over it and actually, it was rude to show up so late with only a phone call 45 minutes late. To me, it sounds like it was intentional and he was trying to pick a fight because he’s uncomfortable with your relationship with your mom.
But please, don’t base your decision on how to handle this based on what anywhere here says. I know it helps to hear other’s opinions, so that can help you in some aspects, but you know your fiance the best.
Post # 5
i dont think you are crazy, but I think you handled this situation entirely wrong. Why did you have your mom and FI confront each other? My mother was also a single mom and she and I are very close. But you have to figure out a way to separate your relationship with your mother from your relationship with your FI. In some ways, he’s right. Your husband should come first. I dont think its about taking sides. You should never have told your mother the details of your conversation with yout FI.
He was wrong for blowing you off. I think that is the bigger issue. If he knew the breakfast was important, why wasnt he there? He clearly has some underlying animosity…
Sorry I cant give better advice. i think you should take a couple days to cool down and think it over. Then have a level headed conversation with your FI where you explain your point of view and he gives you his.
Post # 6
It seem as though there is more to the story. As if he and your mom have fought before, or have prior issues. You need to speak with both your mom and with him, and if possible all three of you speak together afterwards. You are right that family is family, but when you marry someone that person becomes "family" too. You cannot take sides without seeing both issues/sides. From the story you were very offended when he came late, but the reason for his being late isn’t in the story. Did you not ask, is it not relevant? Also, for him to show up for breakfast at your mother’s seems slightly inconsiderate considering it takes 3 hours to drive there? Was that your FI’s idea, or your mother’s idea?
I am very close to my parents, but after I got married I realized I couldn’t just go to my parents house and hang out all weekend, I also couldn’t call all the time. I needed to spend time in my new house with my new husband. In essence, you need to spend time together building your future.
I suggest you work with both of them to resolve these issues, and create timelines that are less stressful for meetings, so that angst doesn’t build up. If you love each other you should get married, but remember that you are now building a life with this person and your mother will always be your mother but you cannot let it interfere with your current relationship or it will never work out with your FI. Your should treat your relationship with your mom as a separate being from your relationship with your FI, almost as if they are parallel. You just need to find a balance, and maybe not get so angry that you become accusatory.
This situation sucks, but fortunately you are aware of the issues, now you just need to work it out. Good luck!
Post # 7
I have to agree that the situation was handled really horribly. I mean, you put both your fiance and your mom in a place to come to blows with each other. I would be SO mad if I were your finace. Your mom’s place is not in the middle of your argument. She should have stepped out of it, you should’ve never put her in it.
I can’t imagine how hard it will be for their relationship to recover from such a thing. There will be hurt feelings for a very long time over that.
Your fiance does seem to have some issues that come from elsewhere and I don’t really know how you should handle that. It seems like he’s bringing other people (or at least their situations) into your relationship as much as you have.
I hate to be the jerk here but…maybe you should take a step back and apologize to both your fiance and your mother.
Post # 8
Your fiance was rude not to call and to show up late, but I feel you were not right in telling your mom what he said. That is just stirring up trouble, and for what? My husband and I sometimes struggle with our parents not saying nice things about our spouse, but we don’t tell each other those mean things and we certainly don’t force them to confront each other about it. It sounds like to do need to separate yourself from your mom a little bit and see yourself as having two distinct relationships. Your mom and your fiance are not both engaged to you.
Post # 9
I have a couple of responses:
First, I’m concerned about the disrespectful language he’s using, and the fact that he’s bad-mouthing your mom to you. Having in-laws is difficult, and anyone who’s seen me post before knows that sometimes after I talk to my FMIL I need to shout "that b*tch is CRAZY"… but I would never say that directly to my fiance. It’s too hard on him to hear me vent about his family, and vice versa… we have friends we whine to when we need to whine about each other’s families. It sounds like he has some prior issues that are affecting his relationship with your mother, but it’s also likely that she’s not a *completely* perfect person (although she does sound pretty awesome)… so from what you’ve said, it sounds like he needs to deal with his prior issues, and also needs to find some other person to vent to (a friend, not his family… that just opens up more issues), so that you don’t have to hear the worst of it when he’s frustrated with your mom.
Second, I think he’s actually on to something about you not taking your mom’s side. You had a fight between you two, until you had your mom intervene. No matter how highly you value family, a marriage is you two together against whatever comes up. Hopefully, you won’t have fights with your family… but if you do, you need to be a united front… not you and your mom against him, not him and his dad or brother or whomever against you. I’m not necessarily saying that you should keep fights secret (which makes it easier to get into an abusive situation) … I’m saying that you should be working to keep other people out of them, even if that other person would take your side.
But as other posters have said, only you know all the details, and only you can decide. Let us know how it goes!
Post # 10
I’m going to say it: You need to find someone who respects your family. He doesn’t have to like them, but he can’t give you ultimatums like this. Your family is also part of your life. Whether or not your mom has faults, she is your mother. He needs to be courteous and respectful at the very least.
Post # 11
I agree that your FI was definitely in the wrong for being late. I don’t really understand what he meant by, “Sorry Ii ruined your Mom’s plan to plan out my weekend." – but it doesn’t sound very thoughtful, especially after you visited his parents the day before.
That said, I would be really upset if my FI told her mom what I had said to her in confidence. It sounds like you definitely have picked a side, and it is your mom. That’s fine, but I can understand where he is coming from. If that had been me in his place, I would have been incredibly hurt and upset.
I agree with some of the other posters that your FI seems to have some issues (i.e. using disrespectful language about your family). But I wouldn’t focus too much on this one particular situation, but instead look at the overall dynamic. There probably has been a pattern where he feels like you always take her side, and that’s the context against which all this behavior is taking place.
I would suggest counselling and keeping an open mind that you may have a part in this dynamic. That’s actually good news, because it means that you can change the dynamic by changing your behavior! And hopefully, he’s committed to changing his behavior too.
Post # 12
From a different perspective: I gave my husband this ultimatum once. We had a huge fight one time when I said in exact words, "It’s me or your dad and you have to choose." As background, I don’t really like my FIL as a person. At the point of this fight, I felt like my husband (then my Fi) was basically making decisions with his father and cared a lot more about his dad’s opinion than mine. I felt like, even though we were getting married, my FIL would always come first to my husband and I would alsways, for the rest of my life, have to defer every decision to someone else. I didn’t think I could live with that kind of interferrence on our marriage.
This obviously wasn’t the case, and when it came down to it, both my husband and I realized some things. I realized that I don’t have to be involved in my husband’s relationship with his father. They can talk on the phone and through email, he can ask his dad’s advice, they can go do things together without me, etc… My husband doesn’t see his dad’s faults because, well, it’s his dad. I, on the other hand, have found that my FIL’s faults overshadow his good qualities for me. And both of these relationships are ok; we have different relationships with the same person and that’s alright. Honestly, your Fi will probably never see your mom the way you do. It’s ok to accept that.
At the same time, my husband had to realize that when making decisions I have to come first. He’s welcome to ask his dad for advice or discuss the situation with him, but not until after my husband and I have talked and worked through it. And he absolutely never puts his dad in between us when we’re fighting. Even if I slip and say something about his dad, I immediately appologize and he never says anything about the insult to his father. The same way, you really ought to keep your mom out of your marriage. She is always going to take your side. And your Fi will then always feel like you care more about your mom than you do about him.
Your relationship can overcome this, but I think you need to sit down with your Fi and really work through things. You both have valid points, but it’s up to you to come to a compromise that works. You can still have a relationship with your mom, but understand that your Fi might not want to be involved in that relationship. Similarly, you need to keep your mom out of your relationship with your Fi. If all else fails, marriage counselors and mediators see this type of fight all the time. It’s really common between married couples. So it’s not a bad idea to have someone else help you through the process of working this out.
Post # 13
I agree with a few things. 1 – your fiancee said some horrible things about your mom. My guess would be they were out of defense and anger. Keep in mind when people get defensive, they blurt out anything they can. Sometimes its hurtful, sometimes its mean, and most times it seems unforgiveable. However, in saying that 2- this situation was handled horribly. You shouldnt EVER place your fiance against your mom like that. I understand that you and your mom are close, and you almost feel as if you have to protect her. but you have to understand that while a marriage is, in a way, teh joining of families, there is more to it. You are starting your own family. Being TOO close with your family CAN cause some serious marriage issues. He will constantly be wondering if he has to compete with your mom for time and attention, or if any decisions need to have her included. What about holidays? Etc. He is probably thinking toward the future, wondering what it will look like. And honestly, I wonder the same thing. I think your mom sounds like an incredible woman. I wish more mothers were as selfless and dedicated as she is. But you need to look at things rationally and realize that your new family should take precedence in seemingly minor situations like this. He was late-not the end of the world
Post # 14
I will be the first to admit it was stupid to tell my Mom what he said about her, but his has been a long time coming. When ever I ask my Mom’s opinion about something (even silly things like clothes and wall art) , he gets mad at me. And lately it has become when my Mom agrees with me, he says – "oh well your Mom made the decision for you" or "well that’s your Mom’s opinion" and dismisses what I am saying. Just because my mother agress with me or backs me up, it doesn’t make my decison or my feelings any less valid. I just worry that this will carry over into marrge and raising children. I want to raise my kids the way my Mom raised me – I think she did a pretty good job, I worry that he will always claim I am siding with my Mom on child rearing, and then bully me into doing things his way.
I worry about the control factor. I don’t want him to control my relationship with my family and I dont’ want him to try and control me. So many times I give in to his plans or his way of doing things to avaid fighting, I just don’t want this to be another thing I cave on and then have to face life without my Mom and sisters. I know he is not willing to let me have my realtionship with my Mom and then just not bring that into my life with him. Its all or nothing.
Post # 15
Are you guys open to seeing a counsellor together?
Post # 16
Ok, I didnt ge thtat vibe in your previous post. If he is overall controlling and now bitter at your relationship with your mom, thats a different story. I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk – ask what his thoughts are on your relationship with your mom and how involved he does/doesnt want her in your married life. And also remind him that not EVERY situation will turn up like his dads. I think if the facts are laid out in black and white between the two of you, then your answer will be a lot more clear. Im so sorry you are dealing with this