(Closed) I think this was all a mistake

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If you’ve already pushed back the wedding and are STILL having these thoughts, you need to do what’s right for you… call it off… at least until you can figure out your feelings.  I know it will hurt your fiance at first, but it has to be done or you will regret it.  Being engaged should be a happy time, and you definitely shouldn’t have doubts.  Listen to your heart!

Post # 4
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Can you expand why you feel this way? 

For example, are you staying with him out of guilt?  Or do you feel like the wedding is just making you feel older than you are?

 

Post # 5
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Have you thought about talking to a counselor? It might help to talk it out with someone.

Post # 6
Member
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. But honestly if you’re having these feelings you shouldn’t get married right now. I think you might end up resenting your FI later for pushing you into something you weren’t ready for. You get ecstatic about the wedding and thats likely because you’ve always wanted to get married and have a wedding but the feelings of suffocating are telling you something and you need to listen to that. 

I think you need to have this conversation again with your FI. You have to let him know that you love him and know you want to marry him eventually but its just too soon for you. If he truly loves you he should respect your decision and if he doesn’t then you may have some tough times ahead.

Is he older than you? Just wondering because you’re so young so there really is no rush to get married but he might not see it like that if he is older.

Post # 7
Member
2873 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@artichokesalad  asks some good questions.

 

If you are having true doubts then call the wedding off (for now).  You want to go into a wedding and a lifelong commitment knowing that this is what you BOTH want.

 

Post # 8
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

I was in a similar situation.  I was engaged at 18, married at 20, and ended up divorced at almost 27.  You change *so much* between your early and mid to late 20s…it’s insane.  I am so different from the person that I was back then that if Past Me and Present Me were in the same room together, they wouldn’t even recognize eachother.  (In fact, I’m sure they’d get on eachother’s nerves.)  Personally, I feel like if you want to postpone the wedding, and he’s not okay with it, you have bigger issues.  Building a life together is about trust and working as a team.  Sometimes, you have to compromise.  (Translation:  Neither of you gets what you want, but you come to terms you can *live* with.)  Think long and hard before you do something you’re not 100% certain about…divorce sucks…

Post # 9
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly it kind of sounds to me like you are worried/scared about the wedding itself, not the marriage.  You clearly love your fiance and you say you are totally sure he is the one you want to be with.  Talk to him again about the big wedding.  I think maybe the stress of planning and being the center of attention is what’s getting to you.  If you would be much happier eloping or just having a very small wedding with your family then you should talk to him about that.  He should be willing to compromise if the wedding is stressing you out this much.

Post # 10
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think maybe you should talk to someone, maybe a relationship therapist/counselor of some sort.

Getting married and committing to spending the rest of your life with 1 person is a HUGE commitment and a HUGE deal, regardless of how much you love someone. I think its totally natural to have “cold feet” or nervous feelings, but I think its important to figure out if its just cold feet, or if its something more.

I think it’s also important to figure out if the feelings are wedding related, or relationship/marriage related. Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Is it the planning part that’s getting you down? Or is it the marriage? I’ve had my moments were I just want to call it all off. Not b/c I don’t want to marry FH but b/c the amount of work and effort involved is ridiculous. If its the wedding aspect and your FH is not for eloping why not tell him that he can plan everything and you’ll just show up!

Post # 13
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@MadameLady: You sound like the perfect candidate for eloping or a teeny tiny destination wedding 🙂  You sound like you really love you FI but the “wedding” stuff just isn’t for you, and that’s totally fine. Not every girl is meant to DIY, to care about the wording on an invite, to give a crap how her bustle is done. Just go get married if that’s what you want and skip all the froofy stuff!

Post # 14
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

you have to listen to you gut i think – i really believe in gut instinct and if you listen closely i think you can tell if you are doing the right thing or not. Why set a date? why not just enjoy the engagement and when you are ready to jump in and plan then set a date – or like PP said you can elope or do a small intimate wedding if its the wedding itself that is scaring you. Im 24 and wont be 25 till after we get married but i dont struggle with the youngness – i had wayyyyy too much fun in my late teens and early 20s. i know i am in the right place and the perfect time for marriage. but everyone is different…good luck! stay strong and pay attention to those gut insticts 😉

Post # 15
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think the other posters have it right.  If you love your FI and are sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him, but you are just feeling concerned over the budget/size, you are probably a good candidate for eloping or a DW.  However, if your feelings are more just not feeling sure if you even want to get married, you need to explore that more deeply. 

Weddings are super-stressful to plan–I am 23, I am NOT crafty or creative at all, and I’m having trouble balancing my desire to save $ while having a classy and perfect wedding, so I understand how you feel.  You might just want to take a step back and evaluate the situation and decide if you are feeling not ready for marriage, or just not ready to handle the stress of planning a wedding on a budget.

Post # 16
Member
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Is it just the wedding that bothers you, or are there underlying issues with your relationship that you need to focus on? If you can start thinking about these things than that might help to lead you in the right direction.

I can relate with you in some ways as I am a young 20-something bride and my FI is in his 20s as well. Many of our friends are in the young party-have-fun mode stage, so it’s hard to try to share wedding details with those people. For me personally, I felt some conflict when getting engaged and married because I knew I’d be loosing some of my youth. In the end I decided that starting my life and ultimately my family with my FI was more important. We’ve always been more mature and grounded so it was the right decision for us. You’re at the age right now where you can either try to enjoy your youth for a few more years or you can start your grown up and mature life with your man. Choosing to get married and to leave the days of less responsibilty and less commitment behind doesn’t mean you’ll have any less fun and adventure in your life though. It just means that your goals and routines will change a little.

In the end it comes down to whether or not you’ve grown enough by yourself to be able to commit to a marriage. FI and I have discussed it many times and know full well that deciding to settle down this young means that we still have many things to learn and grow from togther. We’re ready to make that commitment to each other even though it might be hard. I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I just up and called everything off. I think about what it would mean for me to have the freedom to travel abroad and experience the world. I wonder how different my life would be and how many more opprotunities I would have. Just as I would have that courage to go and discover myself, I also find that I have more courage to take a leap of faith with my man. He’s my best friend and although the world might have so much to offer a single, unattached me, I know that deep down inside it would be meaning less without him.

I hope you can follow my train of thought. It really has helped me to put things into perspective. If you can imagine a life without your man and you can see yourself happy than you do need to re-evaluate your relationship. On the flip side of that it is completely normal to feel nervous, anxious, and even afraid when committing to something as big as marriage. Marriage should never be taken lightly so the fact that you are having these feelings proves that you are weighing your options wisely.

In the end follow your heart. You can make a million “smart” decisions, but those decisions aren’t always the ones that make you happy. Take some time to stop thinking for a while. Clear your head and come back to these thoughts in a few days. If your brain has some time to rest and stop mixing up all your thoughts and emotions than that might help. If you keep coming back to the same spot than you’ll know where your heart is and ultimately what your next step should be. Good luck! Remember to do what makes you happy 🙂

ETA: We’re doing a destination wedding and boy did it relieve some of the stress of planning and accomadating everyone!

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