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I'm not really sure what to say. I told him ages ago (about a year ago) that he had better be thinking marriage or we should split up. He had relatively reluctantly agreed, despite being the one that would always bring up long term. Over thanksgiving I did get upset that no progress had been made. But apparently he had broached the subject with his family, they had asked to get to know me better. He then spent time with my family (without me being there--he said he had intended to ask my father for my hand in marriage, but after his talk with his family, decided it should wait till I spent more time with them). So over the Christmas holidays I hung out with his family. He insisted that our families meet. They did. All of this went well.
All this time, he's the one that always brought it up, he would talk about where the wedding would be, our kids names, he said he had the proposal all planned out, he even claimed that he had the ring picked out. Yet he never actually proposed.
This morning I told him that when he said things like this to me, he was being cruel and essentially lying to me. I told him how hurt I've been feeling, how I feel let down. I've definitely been distancing myself for several months now, b/c I've been scared of somethign like this. Tonight he brings up religion. We're not the same religion. In fact, I'm not really a very religious person. I have nothing against it, I just am not. We have discussed how to raise our children, etc. I thought it was settled. He then told me he doesn't have the funds for a ring.
I felt like he was just making excuses. He said I was just being hard headed. I felt hurt. I asked him to get his stuff together and leave. And after he tried to convince me we should work this out, he did leave.
I don't know what to say, except that I'm really sad. I'm angry b/c he tried to pull all of these excuses, when the fact of the matter is that he just wasn't ready, and he isn't being man enough to admit that that's the problem. I'm ready. He's not. I'm also just sad. After about 3 and a half years....
He wants to meet up again on Sunday. I don't know. I don't want to feel hurt anymore.
I am sorry you are having a tough time.
Your story is only half of the story, and cryptic at that so I dont feel anyone here can give you true advice.
But I do think you should ask yourself...
Are these excuses or real reasons (there are differnces, but sometimes a fine line) because it sounds like it was a very short time during all these events. Between thanksgivin and now is not long to save for a ring.
However, that being said you know the whole story, but try to look at it from the other side. Your guy is trying to make his parents happy as well as you. Maybe he is having trouble doing that? Again, its a short time this occurred so maybe he needs more time, or maybe you were right. Only you really know.
Try to be open minded as well as protecting yourself. Good luck
:( I'm so sorry.
There is a chance that he isn't just making excuses, but it's possible that he is. Your gut is probably right in this case though.
3 and 1/2 years and he still has a problem with your religious differences? Hmmm, generally my rule is I don't even date someone who is going to have a problem with our religious difference if any.
Do whatever works for you, but my advice (not sure if you were looking for any, if not forgive me) is that Sunday is too soon. That's tomorrow? Or in two days. Even if it's not the end, give yourself some time to get grounded, then meet up if you want to.
Again, so sorry.
I have to agree that the timeline for all of this sh!t to go down is relatively quick, even though it probably seems like longer. And also, you have the whole story.
I'm so sorry things aren't going well! I don't really know the full story, but I'd say that you should probably have a calm, rational discussion about things. He left and you both probably had some pretty hurt feelings and raw emotion. Maybe meeting up on Sunday will be good for you. Gives you some time to cool off and see things more clearly.
Personally, my faith is really important to me so I couldn't imagine marrying someone who felt differently. It's hard to understand unless you feel the same way. Raising your kids that way is just one piece of the picture. There's a closeness that comes from being spiritually connected that I can't really explain. I'm not sure if this is your situation, but I just thought I'd mention it. But, I can't imagine why he would spend 3 1/2 years with you if he didn't feel like he could marry you.
It could be that he actually doesn't have money for a ring, and if that's the case you should talk about whether you want to wait until he does have the funds, or just get something cheaper now with the intentions to "upgrade" later. There are a ton of inexpensive options that aren't a D clarity, 2 carat diamond ring. You can make it work, if this is actually the problem. No way to know that without talking openly and honestly with him.
Best of luck! I hope everything works out.
And as for ring funds, Mr. Dear said my ring was under 500 dollars.
@helenberrycrunch: No, he wants to stay together. I'm just so angry that after all of these years, he's using religion as an excuse. He's known my religion, we've discussed religion in the past. I think he's making excuses.
I guess it is a relatively short time line, but we didn't begin discussing marriage during Thanksgiving, we began discussing it well over a year ago. We've probably been discussing it more seriously over the past eight or nine months. I don't think that that's too short. I think that's plenty of time to save up and get the ring that he claims is perfect for me.
I realize this is only one side of the story, but how often does the SO comment on here?
Seeing it from his perspective, he's probably uncertain as to why i get so upset over the whole issue. he seems concerned that i don't love him anymore--only b/c i have been distancing myself since realizing that he hasn't actually moved forward with proposing. i can't help it. i've been hurt before. i think if you love someone and you know you want to marry this person you will. if not, you won't.
@RingAroundtheRosie: I completely agree with you on the religion aspect. and that's exactly what i told him. i've never tried to make him think differently. after i explained to him that after being with me as long as he has, he should have considered the fact that religious issues were as important as he's making them be....he claimed that he could handle our religious differences. but he actually told me before that that he couldn't see himself with someone that wouldn't be in everlasting eternity with him.
i have no idea how to take that. i was really furious that he said that, it seems really hurtful.
@sepilove: Well, it sounds like you really have some .... clarity on how you feel in this situation. I guess cool down, figure out if you want to stay together, and then tell him what you just told us.
"i think if you love someone and you know you want to marry this person you will. if not, you won't."
He might not feel this way, it seems a lot of guys don't and aren't as decisive. If he doesn't understand this or agree, you may want to consider finding someone who does. Someone with the same philosophy.
I hope you are doing ok
@sepilove: Well, don't give up hope. My cousin was dating his now wife for 8 years before he proposed. If you are going to be together, then you will be. And if he's worth the wait, then you should wait. If not, then maybe it would be better if you went separate ways. I still say talking to him about all of this calmly and rationally is your best option and the only way you're really going to answer your questions.
@sepilove: We are not trying to tell you that you are wrong, just that we all have different perspectives and this isnt one that says one side or the other is a horrible person.
Not everyone realizes everything that will effect their life right away, even if they know the detail (IE religion). My FH was going to propose 2 years ago until his sister got engaged and i had to wait 2 years until she got married because he wouldnt do it while she was engaged. Not rationale at all, but it just was. And it almost broke us, but it didnt. Decide if he is you "one" and if you can discuss with him a timeline you are both OK with.
@sepilove: I completely agree. He should have thought about it a long time ago. But sometimes it's hard to tell how something will affect you until you go through it. It's hard for both sides in a relationship where people don't share the same religion. I've been in relationships in the past where the guys weren't Christians and it was tough. Because for me, it's a lifestyle. Not just a religion. So when I'm living that lifestyle and they're not, it makes things really hard.
I can see where that would be hurtful. That comment is one of the major reasons why it's hard for people who don't share a faith to be in a relationship. Because he truly believes that only people who believe what he does will live in that eternity. Since you don't fall into that category, that would make you someone who would not live in that eternity with him. I mean, I know you get the idea of it. But I'm just saying, he wasn't saying it to be hurtful, he was being honest.
well, it's funny to me that this religious side is coming out of him now...it doesn't seem to show itself when he wants to do the dirty...sorry, i know that's crude. i'm just angry.
i do love him. i just decided that in the end, whatever decision he made, would be the right one. i just felt like he just played that really hurtfully.
@sepilove: You need to decide
Is religion something he is only really considering now? because marriage is real? or his parents or yours brought it up? and is not sure?
Is it something he cares that deeply about? and its his thoughts?
Or is it an excuse?
@lefeymw:oh my, i have no clue. he did recently have a death in the family (extended family), but he's never really been all that religious. once in a blue moon he would go to church, and he would sometimes say that he wanted to be more religious, sometimes would ask if i would go with him. i always said i would (and i would and i have gone with him and his family).
his mother and sisters are real deciding factors. i guess they're the ones that asked him to bring up to me how our kids would be raised. my answer was that i was perfectly fine with them being raised christian, as long as they had an awareness and some exposure to judaism and islam.
i was raised by very scientific parents who grew up in a country that overzealous religious fanatics tore apart (including having had many family members die because of it all). i don't hate religion by any means, but the idea of converting for my boyfriend just seems very very wrong in light of what my family has been through, and converting for someone else also just seems wrong..
If you dont mind me asking... what is the problem? You won' convert or you dont want your kids to be his religion?
I ask because it can be a real reason or an excuse...
that i am not his religion. he thinks we won't be together for eternity b/c of it. i don't mind my kids growing up with a religion. i think life in this society is often easier/better for having religion. i just know that it's not for me.
@sepilove: Unfortunately for some, that is a breaking point. It doesnt mean its not surmountable, but its not easy. Good luck.
I'm sorry you're going through this! It sounds like you need to figure out if religion is the reason he's not proposing or if he's just not ready.
If it's religion, you guys need to have a serious talk about it and he needs to decide whether or not this is a deal breaker for him or not.
If he's just making excuses and he's not ready, then you need to decide if you're willing to wait for him to be ready or not. And consider what you'd do if he says he's never ready.
Good luck!
Well I waited 7 1/2 years. I met him when we were 20 years old and for the 1st 4 years we were young but still within a great marriable age. So I wasn't too happy about waiting. I figured 25 was going to be our year. He started talking about the subject vividly but he decided waiting a little longer would be better. Then about 26 we hit the point where we were ready! The only thing was that he wanted to wait a year for the actual wedding. I wasn't really intrested in waiting for anything else. so we decided on a 6month time frame for the wedding. However, his sister decided to go to another country for 6months so of course we couldn't marry without her. So here we are marrying this April! Finally! But took forever.
I'll say that if a man is having second thoughts and its not about your relationship it might have to do with finances or career goals. Sometimes they want to be ready to be what a husband is supposed to be. I don't know your age and I am sure nobody wants to hang in there for the 7 years I did but maybe take a little more time if he is worth it. You need to ask yourself that. Once a woman puts her foot down about marriage and a man cares plus the timing is right then all will go well. I wish you luck and suggest patience and contemplation.
My guy is worth the wait and worth the minor set backs. Is yours? I think his feelings might need to be considered. If you just ask him without any anger, why? Then he will surely be honest. But be strong for the answer.
Take care!
Usually I try to deliver my input about letting someone come to the point of actually wanting to marry you on their own instead of trying to convince, persuade or threaten them into it. However, it sounds like he was the one doing all of the talking about it and imagining details and so forth. It sounds to me, that what he wants in a fantasy sense is to be married to you and have kids and whatnot. But it sounds like he thinks the reality of it would be more difficult or wasn't actually ready to confront the reality of it all (saving money, dealing with his families feelings on your religion) until being forced to actually start facing it.
I highly doubt that religion is the problem for him now, especially like you said he has no problem having pre-marital sex or I'm sure doing anything else that would be considered a sin in his religion that modern people do all of the time. I mean, isn't the point of heaven or afterlife or whatever that you're going to be in a constant state of eternal bliss anyway? I mean, he's supposed to be guaranteed euphoria with or without you there, so you could maybe bring that up to him? You are the one making all of the religious sacrifices and you should be recieving respect and gratitude for that. I think it's more likely that his family is giving him crap about the religious difference which I don't think is any of their business, but you know family.
The bottom line is that it seems (I could OF COURSE be wrong) that you would like to be married with or without him. If you told him you should either marry or break up it may send the signal to him (as it would me and many of my guy friends) that he isn't the focus or the object of your desire for marriage - being married is the focus and the object of your desire for marriage. If he were the critical factor in you getting married, you would wait for him to actually be ready. If just eventually getting married at all is the critical factor, you would end the relationship with him and go find someone to marry. I and some people tend to see ultimatums like the one you gave a year ago as an expiration date for the relationship, not a motivator to stay with someone that would leave you if you don't do what they want. He could be feeling that way and is now realizing that the expiration date has come and is giving you excuses to keep you around. Or, he may really be struggling with these issues and doesn't feel like he lied to you earlier about wanting it all. I do think you should talk with him but ask him some of the things I mentioned to see if he maybe took your ultimatum that way. If he did, you can start from there. Good luck.
My BF and I do not share a faith. I am Catholic and he is Agnostic. Although I don't consider myself as firm in my religion as some (Liberal Catholic?), it is the one thing I think could improve our relationship. He was raised Lutheran and still has many of the same morals/ideals and so we aren't completely seperate. We have agreed to raise the kids Catholic.
However, if we both weren't so willing to accept the others beliefs, this wouldn't work. Your BF needs to decide how important religion is to him and how important it is that the two of you share that.
If it is extremely important, then I'm sorry to say, but it's probably best that you go your separate ways. But if he is ok with not sharing this aspect of his life with you, then what should matter more is your love for each other.
PS - My BF won't go to church with me, if he did it would make it a little easier, so kudos to you for being willing to at least join in that aspect.
@luckyprincess: Hi lucky, i think you're right about the imagination vs reality. i think he's actually scared of the work it takes to go through with it. That's how he is with everything, with jobs, with moving....
And I hear you when you bring up marriage for being married vs marriage for a person. but how long is a person supposed to go through this. i have expectations and plans for myself. and those include having children at a reasonable age. he actually told me several months ago that he thinks we need to have children soon. i feel like he's not on a realistic time scale. i feel like he's just trying to hold on to me with everything he has, but he's not willing to take the big steps.
@smiley3: neither have really hidden our religious beliefs. Since practically day 1 i've told him that I'm not religious, but I have no issues with him being religious. He claimed that although religion was important to him, he could handle my beliefs.
i feel like if we're not going to move forward. we should break up.
@smiley 3, we live parallel lives. It would be nice of my BF to come to mass with me, but I also understand religion isn't something you can shove face-first. Our children will be raised Catholic. I loved going to church when I was little and I still believe that there are certain values and morals that are important in my life that I learned from being raised in a Catholic family. I still have friends from the church I attended 15-20 years ago, albeit some no longer practice Catholicism.
@Sepilove. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Some of us may have experienced something similar but some of us have no clue. I think everyone needs to come to terms with marriage on his/her time. If your BF has reasons why you two shouldn't get married, you have to give him more time. Let him figure things out. If you can't, then you assess if you can live without him. Wouldn't you rather have someone committed to the marriage 100% than someone who has even a sliver of doubt? At the end of the day, if religion is a big part of his life and he believes that b/c of the difference you two won't be together forever, that tells you he already has a reason for if/when you guys don't work out. You need someone who will fight for eternity. You deserve it. You have invested your heart, time, and energy on making this relationship grow, but you should not be alone. It should be a joint effort with no empty promises, just pure genuine love.
Yeah, sweetie, I think you're right about him being in the fantasizing stage. Especially that last part about him mentioning kids soon. I don't know why men (and women) do the whole 'let's talk about what our kids will look like, where we'll get married, etc' thing when they aren't ready. It's not fun for the person that is. :( Sorry you're going through this at all.
you know, i know you are hurting- but take comfort in this: he really did seem to do quite a lot towards a proposal. talking to his family about it, spending time with yours (alone- god, i can't imagine if poor Mr. Meowerson did that lol), bringing up details and children with you. i don't think it isn't that he doesn't want to marry you. maybe this is all something silly like he's embarassed he can't afford the ring...or maybe since it is so close to happening, he's scrutinizing every detail. it does sound though like he's madly in love with you, and i'm not sure what your reasons for wanting to get married sooner rather than later are, but maybe if you hear him out you guys can come up with a timeline together? i wouldn't give up home yet, m'dear.
thanks everyone, thanks ms. meowerson. that's part of the reason i'm confused. he did do so much, and i feel like it's something about me. something must be unloveable or uncommitable or something that he just found that wasn't worth it. ugh. i know i'm being pathetic right now. he hasn't called, texted, or emailed. i've always told myself that i'll be strong. and i will be. but it's so hard right now.
thanks so much!
@sepilove: ok, if i were there i'd smack you across the face for saying that about yourself. you know it isn't true. you need girlfriends right now- stat.
i know i do. but this sounds crazy. but i don't want any of my girlfriends to know until i know what our status is. i don't know why.
@sepilove: no that's fair. i get that. that's why the bee is so wonderful! virtual girlfriends.
;( I think you should call at least one friend. Don't spend too much time alone, but you will just have too much time to keep thinking. Grab a friend and go work out. Get your endorphins going. Nothing has to be decided right now at this minute. Just breath.
Sorry you are going through this. I think that you sould wait at least a week to see him so that you both can get your thoughts together. I'm not sure why he has told you all that stuff about a proposal before and never did anything. It does seem crule to me too. Hopefully when you guys talk again he will have no excuses or at least you two can have a real conversation of why he is not ready. It seems like he was really trying to get to the point of marriage with meeting the parents. Maybe he just got cold feet. I don't think it is over but you two do need to get your thoughts together and work this out. Good Luck!!
I don't know what to do. i'm so so mad at him. he hasn't called, emailed, texted. nothing. he always does, way before this. what happened? i just wanted him to love me, love me with no reservations. none of this crap. why after so many years?
ugh. i'm so sorry. i'm disgusting right now. all i can do is watch tv, study, and work out. i hate this. but i can't focus on a thing.
i can't call him.
I'm so sorry that this is happening to you, sweetie. I'm actually mad for you... I understand how you feel. I wouldn't call him either, I don't blame you. I know it's hard to let go after so many years, but it could be for the best. It may not seem like it now, but if he's not The One, he's just standing in the way of the right person that will love you with no reservations.
I truly hope things work out for you, doll.
@sepilove: I am so mad -- at him -- for you! Your religion is no surprise to him, yet he has stayed with you, built a full and loving relationship and discussed all kinds of specific things related to your future together. Now, he brings this up? And you say you're not love-able, commitment-worthy? He's not, in all likelihood. He's running scared and using religion as the scape goat. If not that, then something else about you, or you two, that just isn't quite right (or perfect, or what he had imagined) would rear its head. And I personally think this business of spending more time with his family and of the two families meeting was probably unnecessary and may have led to all this trouble in the first place. The union -- if there is to be one -- is between the two of you. If it were me - I'd put him on ice for a while (not easy to do, I realize). But, I agree with you, I would not call him or text him or in any way contact him, and I would not agree to meet with him on Sunday (it's too soon). Let him stew in this mess of his own making. Let him sort it out, miss you, realize what he's got, what he's had, and if he still comes up short, you win (without him). In fact, you win either way: with a man who's willing, or you gain your freedom from a man who ain't!
@JoeBeth12: You are so sweet! I'm doing okay. Last night I was fine. I'm so busy w/ school and work that its' hard to find down time to think about it, although today at work was a bit rough. It's hard, I love him, and he's, in general, a really wonderful boyfriend. I mean, the man tells me he loves me 20 times a day, buys me groceries half the time, and changes the litter box all the time. I know he loves me. But, I don't know what it is, but I know I need that commitment regardless of all the other things he brings to the table. I haven't heard from him since Sunday, when he sent me some really sweet texts. But I'm pushing through. i'm definitely trying to look at the bright side here...Thank you for rooting for me!
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