Post # 1
And I really don’t know how to take it.
A good friend of mine has been a bit aloof lately and when I asked her about it, she was coy and indirect about the answers. Just simple chit chat “what did you do last night” ” Got anything planned this weekend?”
I thought she might be seeing someone but wanted for whatever reason to keep it quiet so I didn’t press the matter. Then the other night we had a catch up over a drink and she was telling me about a “friend” at work who’s having an affair and wanted my option on it. I didn’t think anything of it at the time.
Then when I saw her over the weekend she was being a bit coy again and when I teased her about it, and she admitted she didn’t want to talk about it. I was a bit suprised by that since we always share this sort of gossip. She said at one point “because I know you really wouldn’t approve” and so I just respected that she didn’t want to be pushed on it so left it.
For no reason at all that conversation came back to mind to me today and I think SHE is the one having an affair with a married man and while I don’t intend to butt into something that is nothing to do with me, it does make me feel really sad as I sit 4 days out from getting married myself it just made me feel a bit sick and frankly upset that women strive to work hard at a relationship and if it’s getting to the point where you get married- and have kids- effectively it’s women like my friend who are helping the relationship fall apart 🙁
I know some men will always cheat and it’s never black and white but ugh. Would you feel the same about this?
Post # 3
@Soon2BeeMrsG: Can’t say I blame you for the way you feel. It does take two to tango, though.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t be too hard on her. Obviously what she is doing isn’t ok, but she is not the one breaking a commitment or distroying a marriage. Honestly, if it wasn’t her I’m sure it would be someone else. I think that you should tell her how you feel and then let her to make her own mistakes.
Post # 5
I agree with PP. There’s not really much you can do, except let your friend make their own mistakes. A lot of people tend to blame the “other woman,” but I certainly don’t. The one who spoke the marriage vows is the only who can be truly at fault for breaking said vows and distroying the marriage. If it wasn’t your friend, it would be someone else.
Post # 6
If it’s true that it’s her….while she isn’t the one married, I think she’s just as bad as the husband. She KNOWS he’s married and still participates. I think it’s disgusting that women will get involved with married men (though I say this as a woman that was cheated on by her ex husband – and the women knew he was married). I don’t think there’s any levels of guilt. I think both participants are equally guilty. While she’s not the one breaking a committment, she still is playing a part in destroying a marriage. Having said that, I probably wouldn’t butt in unless she opened the topic up. Then I’d give my 2 cents.
Post # 7
Fooling around with a married man is kind of like fooling around with an ex, you know it isn’t going anywhere, but you go there anyway.
Your friend is going to learn that they NEVER leave their wives, and that men can lie just as adeptly as we can if properly motivated.
Focus on you, your wedding and not being like your friend….and wait for the nuclear fallout about nine months from now, when she figures out she’s really just a crutch for his ailing marriage, a wind up toy he plays with when his Number 1 is worn out….it will suck, and she’ll need a friend then.
Post # 8
Are you sure? Just because she doesn’t want to talk about it does not mean she is directly involved (although I suspect you MAY be right!).
Post # 9
@Soon2BeeMrsG: i would just focus on your wedding and don’t be so concerned about your friend’s social life.
keep in mind, as pp stated, it does take two to tango and you never know what goes on behind closed doors. imo, for men (or women) who stray, there is always a reason.
just be there as her friend. until she asks for it, keep your opinions to yourself and try to stay diplomatic.
Post # 10
As someone who, in the past, made the (very stupid) mistake of having an affair with a married man, I can only tell you that if your friend has gone down this path she’s conciously or subconciously choosing to be self-distructive. My MM made me think he was trapped in a marriage and biding his time until he could leave. For whatever reason, I bought that load of horseshit and willingly believed the lies as long as I was able to. In the end, nothing you will be able to say will convince her not to become involved (or continue being involved) with a married man. She will have to find out for herself that it is almost always a frustrating, heart-sickening roller coaster with very, very few fun moments. If women are naive enough to think their man is being courted by a homewrecking whore, think again. Most of the women I have known who were involved with married men are smart, healthy and otherwise sane. It is an error of monumental lapse in judgment, but like many things, we overlook our part by telling ourself that ‘he’s the one who’s married’. Believe me, we have loads of time in the aftermath to assess our responsibility and to feel the effects of our own destructive behavior. No one gets out scot-free in an affair like this.
Your friend wants to be supported, but the truth is, there is no way to support an affair with a married person. If you want to be the best friend you can be, assure her that you love her, and you will stand by her, but you cannot condone or encourage a relationship like this. If you remind her that every affair is a countdown to either the end, or everyone else finding out, then she may start to see the futility in her choices.
I often wish more of my own friends had been more honest about my ‘relationship’. It was a very bad choice, and it completely changed me (and not in a good way). Although I didn’t like it at the time, I truly respect and admire the friends who did not tell me what I wanted to hear, and who pointed out the reality in my situation. Eventually, it becomes crystal clear, but not before a whole lot of damage is done.
To the women who would judge and vilify a woman who have an affair with a MM, I say this: These women do not need your venom, they need your sympathy. These women are really saying: “I don’t like myself very much, and I think that part of a relationship is all that I am worthy of.” A good friend will remind you that you are selling yourself short, and you can do WAY, WAY, WAY better.
Post # 11
@GDub: I agree, i was in a similar situation when I was 19 and THE MARRIED YOUTH PASTOR was 29. He led me to believe his wife was awful and he was going to leave and loved me blah blah…. they ended up having another kid together and are still putting on a happy face for the world. For all I know she could really be a doting wonderful wife, in fact I now strongly belive that she is.
I never had a sexual relationshio with him, it was physcal but not that far, more emotional…. but honestly, OP, your friend is doing something wrong, and yes she knows it… but she probably is being fed a bunch of $hit and will end up with a very broken heart… tread carefully here…. she is in the wrong, but she isn’t the one who stood up and made vows… and stand sto be hurt quite badly because some a$$hole is probably promising her the world…
Post # 12
The thing you have to think about though is this: Is the marriage the man is in essentially “over”?
You have to remember that with the economy being the way it is, it is quite common for people who want to get a divorce to continue being married because right now, the money isn’t there for the divorce.
Just something to think about…
Post # 13
@jellybeangreen246: “You have to remember that with the economy being the way it is, it is quite common for people who want to get a divorce to continue being married because right now, the money isn’t there for the divorce. “
Ironiically, this is one of the many stories I believed. If the MM’s marriage was really over, there would be no need for anyone to disapprove of the relationship. This is not a story I would believe unless I heard it from the MM’s wife herself.
Post # 14
@GDub: Unfortunately, there will always be those who disapprove no matter how “dead in the water” the marriage is.
Post # 15
Ultimately you are workng yourself up over smething thats pure speculation. I tend to stay out of my friends personal lives. Its not worth the stress.
Post # 16
@GDub: I don’t really have anything to add, but I just wanted to chime in and say that this is probably the most thoughtful, articulate advice on this subject that I’ve read.
OP, I can understand that this touches a nerve for you right now, but if you can, I would take GDub’s advice and remind your friend that you love her no matter what, but that she deserves more than a half-relationship with a cheating man. And by all means, set boundaries for yourself if you need to. But your friend is most likely really struggling with a number of different issues right now and could probably use a reminder that she is loved.