(Closed) I thought I was in the clear (Future MIL issues!)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

You should have your FI talk to her. With a topic as sensitive as religion, you don’t want to start with her. 

Post # 4
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Ignore her, and continue to repeat it over and over until she gets it into her thick skull that its you guys wedding. If she insist on talking about, eventually you just have say we made our choices and are no longer talking about this. Let your Fi take the lead on this as it’s mother.

I just don’t get the parents who essentially want their kids to LIE on thier wedding day if they don’t beilive in god doesn’t seem like the christian thing to do.

I wish you luck hoepfully she get over it, and if she doesn’t hopefully she learn to keep her mouth shut.

Post # 6
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Honestly, I would refuse to discuss the wedding with her.  If it meant changing the subject, I would change the subject. If it means telling her, “I’m not discussing this now”. Then I’d say that.  If it meant leaving the room, I would do that.

Don’t engage her.  It’s only going to frustrate both of you.

Post # 7
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@TwoCityBride:  This.

Have you tried to explain it to her that way?  Basically, that you have enough respect for religion and believers to not want to lie during one (if not THE) most important moments of your life?  I can’t imagine someone actually saying that you should LIE for their comfort.  Ridic.

If you’ve tried that, and still she’s full of crazy, I wouldn’t talk to to her about it at all anymore.  I’d let her know that’s what you’re doing.  “MIL, I understand what you’re saying, but the decision has already been made.”.  Don’t argue or negotiate.  Change the subject.  If it gets really bad, I’d have your FI tell her that you’re not going to discuss the wedding anymore and you’d just like her to show up.  She’s playing hardball with the whole guilt situation and I feel like you guys might have to “get in the game”.  

Have you tried showing her a inspriation board for your wedding?  It could be that she just doesn’t get the vibe you’re going for.  Some people are very visual.  I’d try that too before giving up.  

Post # 8
Member
1736 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would deflect in this situation. If my FI’s mother was being controlling, I’d leave it to him to be the voice of reason with her so I wouldn’t get my hands dirty. As her son, he can get away with brutal honesty and that’s something that you probably can’t do. If she wants to complain, let her complain, but refuse to engage on the topics that you know will cause problems. It’s annoying and frustrating, but in the long run, it will save your relationship with FMIL!

Post # 9
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

the hardest part about weddings is everyone has an oppinion – even if they’re not entitled to it.  They bring the best and the worst out in everyone.

As the PPs said just stick to your guns.  When she starts just change the subject, don’t enable her whinging or you’re letting yourself in for a world of misery.

Sorry you’re going through this – my ex FI’s mother was a bitch of the highest order so I completely feel your pain.

good luck 🙂

Post # 11
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

At least she wants you to have a wedding! My FMIL, upon hearing me venting and sarcastically saying “is it too late to just elope”, actually then started telling me all the reasons why we SHOULD just elope by ourselves and “get it over with”. I should mention that FMIL is incredibly cheap, is NOT chipping in for our wedding, and STILL thinks it’s a giant waste of money no matter what we spend or where we spend it.

I think the PP’s here have it right though….ignore her. Don’t feed her drama. You and FI are the only people planning this wedding, and you are the only people who can make the big decisions. Leave her completely out of planning, and don’t let her know your plans until she receives the invitation with everyone else.

Unless….if she is the one footing the bill. If that’s the case, taking her money means you’re giving her a “say”. Now…how MUCH of a say depends on the two of you, but I can see where she would want a say in where her money is being spent. Like, she might want a say in the venue or the gueslist. As for a non-denominational ceremony? That’s up to you…she’s not paying for that! Good luck! And God Bless (if you believe) Mother-In-Laws who live MILES AWAY! I don’t know what I’d do if mine lived in the same town – she can be taken in small doses only!

Post # 12
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hi, just wanted to pop in and say I understand what you are going through. FI and I are atheists, and not having a religious ceremony.

My parents wish I was religious, but still respect my views. We talk a lot about it so they can understand where I am coming from and what I do/don’t believe. 

FI’s parents are hard-core Catholics and all four of FI’s siblings got married in the church. But, they are also VERY non-confrontational, so while we know they are upset we aren’t getting married in a church, they don’t say anything. 

When we showed them the ceremony space/location, they literally did not say one word – just kind of looked around awkwardly. 

Since we showed them the space, they have not once brought up the wedding. They never ask how planning is going, or ask questions, or even just make small talk. It’s weird. 

So, it’s the opposite problem of you. I am thankful they aren’t trying to change the plans, but it is still a really weird dynamic. 

 

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