Post # 1
I was at one of my BMs birthday party last night when something I thought would never happen, did. I have been reading all over the place about situations like this and ones much worse and didnt think I had anything to worry about with my BMs. Maybe I was wrong ….
Let me start out by saying she has been dating her boyfriend for over a year but she is not engaged. So we are all sitting in a circle hanging out and having some drinks and she turns to me and says, loudly and in front of everyone “You know Im mad because I wanted brown and pink for my wedding. I always had planned to have a cherry blossom wedding.”
Those are my colors and that is my theme. Never once had she ever discussed any wedding ideas of hers to me, or wedding anything period being that she is not engaged. The theme is something I picked right after I was proposed to in March because my favorite colors are pink and brown and cherry blossoms are both so I thought it was perfect.
She put me on the spot in front of everyone and mad me look like I ripped off her idea. The only thing I could muster up, because I felt like I had to say something since everyone was staring was, “Well when you get your ring and set your date, if it is after mine you can use whatever you want from my wedding. Hell you can even use my centerpieces if you want them. You can take them, take it all, I dont care.”
I didnt say it in a bitchy way. I was so caught off gaurd and shocked by this, I didnt know what the heck to say and thats what can tumbling out of my mouth. I know she was drunk last night, however I was not. I am feeling really mad and I have no idea how to approach her with this. Esp knowing I already know what she will say. She will chuck it up to being drunk and a no big deal sort of thing.
And I have this sick feeling in my stomach this situation has only just begun with her.
What should I do? Please help
Post # 3
I can understand being hurt. I bet she is having some day-after remorse, too, and doesn’t know how to talk to you either.
Sometimes it’s tough to be a bridesmaid when you have no wedding in sight yourself. Been there, done that. I’m not justifying her actions, but alcohol does have a way in shutting off the censor switch. Give it a few days.
Post # 4
I actually like your reply. I’m sure that anyone who knows you knows that you’re not the kind of person to steal someone else’s idea and pretend like it was yours all along. Seriously, that girl isn’t even engaged, so there will probably be a big gap between your wedding and hers. Styles vary so much between two people that even if you both have the same theme, your weddings will turn out looking completely different. I’ve seen different weddings that started with the same theme and turned out totally different and unique.
Post # 5
It’s true that you will have different things to do with that theme, and later she can still choose the same color and theme, and it will be totally different than yours. I think your answer was good! If she does like something of yours, she could use it after you, and save herself some money. Who knows, by the time she gets engaged, she may totally change her ideas of colors and theme. I wouldn’t worry about it at all. But I also wouldn’t share any of my ideas with her!!! 🙂
Post # 6
Your reply was awesome!!! :). One: you put her in her place. Her comment was just rude. And two: you were right. When she has her wedding, she can do whatever she wants. There is no need to be so… catty. Ick. Congrats to you, though! And Good luck >.<
Post # 7
I know how you feel – everything I discussed with my Bridesmaid or Best Man she said “OOOOhh! I wanna do that!” >:( the only thing is, her wedding will be before mine so it will look like I ripped HER off! gah! I’ve had to stop talking to her about any plans
Post # 8
I think you handled it well. But you have chosen your BMs REALLY early, since your wedding isn’t until 2011. It’s possible she’ll get engaged and married in that time, and maybe she still wants to use those colors and that theme. If you don’t have a problem with having all those elements the same, then I’d let her comment roll off your back. She can do what she wants at her wedding, you do what you want for yours. But I would be careful if she keeps saying things like that. You should talk in private about why comments like that are insulting, and hopefully she’ll refrain from saying hurtful things in the future. If she can’t, maybe she’s not cut out to be your Bridesmaid or Best Man. You need support, not someone cutting at you in public!
Post # 9
I know I want to use roughly the same theme my BF’s cousin used – blue and orange (long story.) She and her BMs made their own dresses. The BMs had medium blue satin dresses (almost periwinkle) with bright orange tulle sashes, and the bouquets were also DIY with silk flowers in blue, orange, and white. I plan on doing navy blue spaghetti strap dresses from DB, with soft orange roses in colorful bouquets. Her wedding was in a beautiful medieval-style chapel. Mine will be an outdoor wedding on my parents’ property. Unfortunately, she DID use exactly the same ceremony music I wanted, but I don’t think it’ll be a big deal. She had a cake and punch reception in the church’s basement. I’ll have an outdoor reception with board games and crayons on the tables and fireworks. Same themes – budget blorange – but completely different styles.
Post # 10
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I honestly dont care if she does the same thing down to the very last detail. I would be flattered that she thought my ideas were that great. I just dont ever want to be put into a situation where she were to get engaged and then married before me. Anything can happen, you know. So I am VERY scared about letting her in on my ideas.
Me and the girls were all set to get together (their idea) to have me fill them in on all the research I have done thus far. I actually had to move it to another day and it turned out the day we moved it to wasn’t good for this BM so she wont be there. Im actually beyond relieved … and I feel really bad about it.
Yes, mightysapphire I did pick my BMs early but there was no need to wait. I have more male friends than female. 2 female best friends, my sister and my FI’s sister. There were really no other options I would have gone with as my other female friends I am not close to. And waiting would have just put ants in their pants bc it was already known without saying that they would be my BMs. All but the FI’s sister. Not my choice. I am quite sure I will be posting in the future about that little fiasco-to-be. haha
Post # 11
@baileysbride2be: Honestly, have the difficult conversation. Sit her down and say, “Hey, what was said the other night really disturbed me and I thought we needed to have a talk and clear the air.” Explain to her right off that you had no idea that she wanted those same aspects, but no matter what, you’ll be there to help her get her own ideas, so even if the theme is the same, the result won’t be!
This girl has probably been bottling up these feelings for a long time and they came out at the worst moment, but that doesn’t mean you both have to suffer from now ’till eternity.
You should not have to feel relieved that she won’t be coming to the planning session. Iron it out now. By helping resolve her issues, you’re not only deepening your friendship and coming out as the bigger person, but you’re also helping resolve your issues and getting rid of tensions you should not have to carry.
Remember to use i-statements: “I felt hurt/shocked/nervous when you said that and I wanted to get it out in the open so we could move past it.”
Post # 12
@lilacwire: I completely agree with this. It will be a difficult conversation, but you will both get to clear the air.. I guarantee it would be MORE difficult and uncomfortable to ‘sweep this under the carpet’ and participate in a wedding together while you both still have negative feelings about this.
Even if she tries to brush it off, persist until you are satisfied that the situation has been resolved between you.