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Here's a question. I know you said he's expressed he wants to marry you one day. Have you ever asked if he's already saving for a ring? I was just curious because if the guy has a brain on his shoulders and is already planning to move out he might already have a plan on how he's going to afford it. And if he's stated that marriage is in the picture for you two, he may already have an idea of how he's going to make that work. Would it be super ideal for him to hang around for a couple months to save money since they aren't charging him rent? Absolutely. Is it the only way for him to put money together for a ring and does him not wanting to stay mean he isn't going to save anything? Absolutely not. Granted, a post only gives you a snapshot of what is going on. But if you've never actually asked what his plan is then jumped the gun and detailed a plan on how he can make your plan happen...I'd be a little annoyed too. :)
I know it's frustrating sometimes. Especially when there is an opportunity to accomplish something and the person isn't exactly taking advantage of it. But sometimes people just have to do things their own way. If you haven't already, I'd let him know that you're concerned with the direction of things and you were wondering if he had an idea of when you'd get engaged. If you already have, how did it go? What did he tell you?
Oh, and to answer your poll: I've only stepped in if he's going to make a big purchase. I let him know that I'm playing the devil's advocate so he doesn't make an impulse purchase and has time to rationalize if it's something he really needs or if he can actually afford it in the long run. But typically he comes to me on his own to bounce ideas off me. He's an adult, not a child. He can handle his own finances, but if he ever needs an ear or an opinion he knows I'm there for him.
I'm not in your waiting position but I did live at home for a while after graduating and getting a job, and I vote that he should do it for as long as absolutely possible. I'm not sure how much rent goes for you in your area, but for me it would have been 1000-1200... that is a saving of at least 12k a year! That on top of no utility bills, and minimal food bill... my savings account was well over 50k in just 2.5 years. I definitely would not have been able to afford the down payment on my house and be living somewhere a lot less desierable if it wasnt for being able to live at home for a while. So whether you're saving for ring, wedding, house... anything, even to jsut have a bigger savings buffer, that savings reallly helps and makes life so much more financially comfortable
Edit: And to your poll question, yes. Before we were engaged, and without joint accounts, we did discuss our finances as a unit and get each others "ok" the same way we do now. (Not in a controlling way, jsut informative or for an opinion)
I'm really not sure suggesting a financial "plan" to your SO is telling him how to spend his money. It's not like you're giving an ultimatim or anything. I'm a planner too, I want to know where my life is going. FI knows this and I told him. He doesn't spend much money though, so it's not something we ever really had to discuss.
However, right now, he is looking into buying a car so I suggested he have a plan where he pretends to have the car payment (put it in a savings account) each month and see how it goes. He thought it was a good idea. From here on out, everything we do affects both of us so I think it's important to discuss things like finances.
I think you just need to enjoy being together and being care free! Start working off you student loans and building the relationship , so you can come into your marriage strong and without heavy burden.
You will regret it if he gets overly frustrated and just pops a ring in your face and goes: there are you happy!!!?
Its all in the approach.
We definately had discussions that were back and forth, but he was looking for conversation and my opinion.
And if it was something that affected me and it was a lot of money I would kindly bring up what his plan was for XYZ and he wanted to do that. Although I am not sure when that would have been exactly because he always asked my opinion or never made a decision I didnt agree with financially.
If its something that didnt affect me in a big way (like the time he went to vegas while unemployed and were not even engaged) I said nothing.
I think that you also need to consider that maybe he needs some time where he's successfully working and living on his own before he committs to marriage and living with you. That, in my mind, is sort of a right of passage.
I totally get where you're coming from, though. I knew I wanted to marry my hubby very early. I knew that I was ready to start our forever together. He didn't want to live together until we were engaged, and I was at a point where I was ready to stop renting and have my own home...complicated by the fact he already owns a home...so big decisions in my life were very contingent on the WHEN of marriage. I get that....BUT, I had to respect that he has his own timeline and when he was ready, he asked.
I've never told my BF how to spend his money, but we do always check with the other person before making a big purchase or a big decision. It's his money so I've never told him he can't get anything, but he has decided not to buy things because I didn't think it was the best idea. I just tell him I think it would be better if you spend the money on something else (school), but it's your money so do what you want. And if he thinks it's silly for me to spend money on something, I usually don't get it. So, we discuss money, but the final decision is up to whoever's money it is.
I have been with my FI for some years now and I have never told him how to spend his money, nor has he ever told me how I should spend mine. If he did, I would definitely speak up or I would currently be short about 100 pairs of shoes haha. It's one thing to set goals & have discussions about bills & big purchases together but its another to be just plain bossy. So, I would say only tell him what you wouldn't mind being reversed and told to you. I understand that the fastest way for him to save money for an engagement ring is to stay at home rent free but I'm a big advocate for living on your own, especially if its right before marriage. For me, if I would have gone straight from my parents' house to living with FI, then I would always wonder what it would have been like to be out on my own, in my own place or getting a place with a GF. Life after college is so different than the sorority houses and dorm like apartments of school I think its a great experience. Also, FI and I are a big advovate for quality of living. Both of us could still be living with our parents rent free if we wanted, sometimes when we visit getting them to let us leave is requires an elaborate escape plan. While we're both super close to our fams and love them dearly, there's nothing like coming home at the end of the day to your own place and doing whatever you feel like, whether it be eating ice cream for dinner or indulging in fashion mags or mindless tv without hurting other's feeling or doing things because "its the polite thing to do". That all being said, if your BF wants to get his own place, you should support him in his venture and when he's ready for an engagement he'll make it happen.
My SO and I have been together for 4 and a 1/2 years. I do not TELL him how to spend his money but we do run big purchases by each other first. We both live at home to save money. I don't know what he has in his bank account but I do know his financial situation, loans, any credit cards, and etc. He also knows mine. Knowing his financial situation is a good idea but it really is his money, and you're not married yet. You can make suggestions about how to save for a ring but not give him a plan. That's probably why he reacted the way he did.
I'd be pretty livid with you too. You just nagged him to do, act, save and spend his money effectively all in 1 sentence. What about what he wants to do with his money? What about the bike he's always wanted, the new car, the new snowboard (insert hobbie of choice). That's such a burn that you think your ring should be the number 1 priority in his life... I have no advice for you other than to say zip it.
My FI would have been furious and probably would have delayed proposing if I had told him how to spend his money. Seriously. Guys take offense to that, and it kind of sounded like he was offended...
I would apologize and say something to the effect of, 'I'm sorry I let my impatience get the best of me. I've since thought about it and'....and then tell him how you think saving money so you can have a bigger safety net to move out, etc. is a smart idea. You can really tell him anything...but I would apologize and make it clear that you didn't want to tell him how to spend his money, you just were frustrated. If he is anything like my FI, he would be pretty wary of my intentions if I was suddenly hinting at how he should handle his finances. Our finances and how we handled them were not each other's business until we started wedding planning...we knew that the other has a good credit score, etc, but we never told each other what to save, etc. You might have a little bit of redeeming to do, since it sounds like he may have taken it the wrong way.
I agree with one PP who said its all in the approach. I dont think its very smart to tell him to spend his money since you arent married ye of course. he might feel like.." were not married yet, and shes taking control already " haha, but the fact is tht you can tell him how you feel or want, in a diff manner. Like " baby, I have a great idea for you to save money! Why dont you do this and that.. If you like of course, its your money (: " Sometimes I do that with my FI.
we had a few financial problems before, like he has to save up money for our wedding even though he has a savings.. I didnt mention that he should just pull the money out of his savings of course cuz Its not my money.. its his. So when ever he mentioned it, I said " if thats what you want babe, its your money.." but secretetly Id be cheering that idea on! hahaa. And now I set a new plan for him. He has to save up about 400 dollars a month for our plans. I basically told him what we needed to have done, and said this is what he has to do, and I usually ask him how his savings coming along. to some this may seem to motherly or to much in general, but we know our men more then anyone.. besides my FI needs someone to always bug him to do stuff, ( he Told me this ) lol, so its what I like to do haha.
Just talk to your BF, tell him that you arent controlling him nor his money! its his afterall! bu you figured as his GF you could pitch in with your two cents, If he doesnt like the idea, then its not a problem ( even if it is to you pretend it doesnt ).. and if he likes it, then yay.. kinda play it cool.. dont get mad! I guess you would be in the same positiion as him if it was the other way around- if your working hard for your money and all of the sudden all these plans.
(: Hope everything works out!
i really think that you should make sure that you guys are on the same page before you ask him to start saving money for the ring and tell him how to spend his money.
before me and FI started to live together on our own he did say to me that he was sure that he did want to marry me and that he did see us having a future together, did that mean that he was ready to buy the ring and get married yet no. i think with guys, they say these thing because they really do want to but in the future not knowing that they just started an explosion in us to start planning the wedding lol
i feel like you should go off of his actions, if he knows that you dont want to move in with him without being engaged, and yet he wants to move out on his own anyways, maybe that means that he really isnt ready to get the ring, if it was his priority, then he would have saved money first before wanting to move out. who knows maybe he did. sometimes our goals arent the same as our SO's and they have a whole other list that they want to get to first
to answer your other question, did i ever tell FI how to spend his money not really, but i did only when he asked me my opinion. i think that you should better offer advice like "well you could always do this or so that" but i dont think that it is ever a good idea to tell him how to spend it
i was you good lucky :) and i hope everything turns out good
IDK, I don't think what you did was that bad. Although, it depends on if you *told* him to do it, or if it was more of a suggestion. I'm a big time planner too, and luckily FI is as well. We had half our wedding planned before he proposed. If it was us, we probably would've been talking about how to reach our goals and I would've said something like, "How about you stay at your parents', save for a ring/apartment for 6 months, etc. and in the meantime I'll save for the wedding/honeymoon fund so we'll be ok financiall when we're ready."
I think when you get to point of being close to marriage, decisions are made together and input from the other person is totally acceptable. Again, not so much that you can tell him what to do, but that when you're planning your lives together, it does take planning. And I think it's totally fair that you each know each other's expectations. If you never said anything and then 6 months later you find that he's saved nothing and has no plans to move out and has no idea where the money for a ring is coming from, it would be a lot less justifiable to get mad. He might thinking engaged in 5 years, where you expect 6 months.
I got sneaky when I wanted him to start saving money (not for the ring but more for the house we plan to buy after the engagement) he doesnt spend alot on things he/we dont need. he has one hobby but doesnt mess with it very often. I knew I wanted him to start saving but I didnt know how to bring it up so what I started doing is cutting coupons. We go out to eat at places we have a coupon for most of the things we buy at the grocery store are on sale and we have coupons, it been a savings of several hundred dollars over the past couple months
My husband lived with his parents for about a year after college and he was miserable. He was ready to move out asap and I'm sure your boyfriend is too. Being able to live alone for some period of your life is SO GOOD. I'm very thankful I've had the experience of being on my own.
So, I don't think your request is really reasonable.
Also this stuck out at me: "It just makes so much sense to me to live at home as long as your parents are willing to let you stay."
Getting your own place is independence. Even if it's a dump and expensive, it's yours. I would never in a million years trade living on my own, struggling at times, with living with my parents and saving a lot of money. Never. I'd find the reality of coming home to my parents' house much more soul crushing than high rent and noisy neighbors.
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Hey bees,
So here’s the deal. I’ve had pretty much every type of waiting day, from the excited to the emotional wreck. Today is just one of those “blah” ones when you ask yourself, “Why doesn’t he just do it already?”
You see, I’m a planner. I love setting goals for myself (both personally and professionally) and exceeding them, just for the heck of it. It’s just my nature, so you can only imagine how frustrating this whole engagement thing is for someone like me.
I just realized that our two year anniversary is tomorrow, and that I have essentially been waiting the entire time we’ve been dating. I knew that if he proved to be as great as he seemed on our first date, that I would marry him one day. Well, here we are…He’s proved himself nothing but amazing.
I have to admit, I bring up getting engaged (to him) more than I know I should…I just can’t help it! It’s something that I wish I had some control over because it’s making me a crazy person. As in, I already know which ring I want (like….the EXACT ring), and I’ve already been looking at dresses to see what style I like, etc. etc.
Currently, we both have student loans, live with our parents (saving $), and he finally just got the job he’s been trying to get for the past couple of years. He wants to move out as soon as possible (which I totally understand), However, since his parents are nice enough to let him live in their house for free - I don’t see the rush, at least for a few more months.
So here is where my personality got the best of me. I came up with this plan for him: Get THE job. Save money for at least 6 months for e-ring and rent, then move out. (Oh, did I fail to mention that he knows I don’t want to move in with him before we’re engaged? Oops!). Of course, knowing me, I told him all of this. His response was along the lines of “Are you telling me how to spend my money?” Which pissed me off, but at the same time, I can’t say that wasn’t what I was doing.
It just makes so much sense to me to live at home as long as your parents are willing to let you stay. Once you’re married, you’re never going to live anywhere for free again. I know he’s antsy to get out of their house, since he got really used to not being there in college. But still, what’re a few more months. In my mind, if he doesn’t spend the money to move out and pay rent, the e-ring would essentially be “free.”
I didn’t write this to bash my boyfriend. He is a really sweet guy who has made it abundantly clear that he wants to marry me. I love everything about him. I’m just frustrated with this whole waiting game.
Anyone else relate to my situation? Advice, stories, suggestions welcome :)