I told him to shut it up about marriage until he is ready to propose…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you tell your man to slow down on the marriage talk if there was no timeline in sight?
    No, it doesn't matter to me when it happens. Talking about it is healthy. : (15 votes)
    21 %
    I'm glad he talks about getting married, but I'd like to know when. : (28 votes)
    40 %
    I'd feel like he was just telling me what I want to hear if he was offering no details. : (27 votes)
    39 %
  • Post # 3
    577 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    @busybeebee:  My husband used to do this a lot and at first I thought he was all talk and no action, but then I realized that he just likes to plan and talk about things way in the future. (We’re in our twenties and he likes to plan our retirement, no joke.) I think it depends on what he’s saying. If he’s talking about future plans like “when we’re married, this is what our life will be like” or “this is what our future kids will be like” then I think that’s fine and even a good sign, because it means that he knows he’s going to marry you and he’s planning his future with that assumption. On the other hand if he’s constantly talking about the actual wedding, or about proposals and rings and such, that would really bug me and I would not want to talk about it without action.

    Post # 4
    68 posts
    Worker bee

    I haven’t experienced this personally, however, I will say that I really am happy that you said what you said. You seem like a very strong individual and he needed to hear that you don’t want to have a fantasy waved in front of your face, especially if he’s not trying to make things a reality. Don’t feel bad at all.

    From this point on you’ve made it clear where you stand and how you feel. It’s something he should take into consideration in the future.

    Post # 5
    1235 posts
    Bumble bee

    My now fiancé did the same thing ALL THE TIME before we got engaged. One day, I could not take it anymore.. So I said, “I love you and want to marry you some day, but please stop talking about it until you’re ready to propose.” He was ready a month later. Hahaha

    Post # 6
    2313 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    When we were still boyfriend and girlfriend, we discussed a time when we would like to get married (Summer 2013) and I said that I would like to have at least a year to plan the wedding, so not telling him when to propose exactly but said he needed to do it by 2012 at least, his choice when. I was not allowed to talk about wedding details before we got engaged, which was fair enough. We knew that I would need to move and find a house for us to buy together closer to his work (we found somewhere almost equi time distance between my work and his work), well in 2011 every few weeks he would go “Oh, I’ve found a house that would be perfect for us!” But since I refused to even look at houses seriously before I had a ring on my finger, I told him it wasn’t fair to keep showing me houses which I would then get excited about and come the engagement, they’d be gone. For him, the house was more important than the weddinghw which is fair enough because that is about building our lives together. So we came to the agreement, we could “think and look” wedding/house stuff to ourselves but were not allowed to share until the engagement. 

    Post # 7
    4483 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I’m considering this, about engagement and a home. He brings it up, then I talk about it, then he gets cold feet. Not cool, man, not cool. I think he likes talking about it only on his own terms, but not mine, and it just isn’t fair

    Post # 10
    1253 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @busybeebee:  I think it is good you did it, honestly. I feel like with some people, talking about it actually makes them postpone longer – like they feel like they are doing some sort of forward progress becuase they talk about it all the time, so the impulse to do actual forward progress stops.

    I read a study once about how successful people are in keeping goals/resolutions when they talk about it and tell others about it a lot, and it turns out people who keep their resolutions much more to themselves tend to do a much better job of meeting them. The study found that anouncing or talking about goals to others gave people a “premature sense of completeness.”  I think that would almost by virtue end up happening with someone talking about marriage all the time, too.

    Perhaps he is doing it to help stall more. Maybe he feels he needs a lot more time but was afraid that would upset you, so subconsciously he was talking about it a lot because as it gave him a sense of more completeness than was real, and he thought it would do the same for you, thus tiding you over until he was more ready. So I think it’s good you kind of went off on him, AND explained you are fine with the waiting. Him talking about it, from a scientific perspective, will actually hold things up.

    Post # 11
    1253 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @busybeebee:  I found the article. It might be helpful to show it to him, since he seems adamant that what he’s doing is not a problem (which, given that he still say “if” you get married, I think definitely is. If he’s not even sure he wants it to happen, he definitely needs to stop running his yapper about it so much):


    Post # 13
    1253 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @busybeebee:  I totally see where you’re coming from with that. I think it is more than perfectly legit to not want kids and other very husband/wife things without being married, and he has no right to resent you for it.  I mean if things didn’t work out (and since he sometimes still uses “if” that is a possibility) to have the responsibility of kids, no father around, and likely things too awkward with his family to get any support from them, would be hell. Trying to dangle a future marriage to get you to be willing to ttc sooner is actually pretty manipulative.

    Maybe he doesn’t realize it, but that is what is happening. He is trying to make you slide from your position into something you don’t want by dangling what you do want to happen first in front of you a lot. 

    Some things just don’t add up. Having kids is, in my opinion, a bigger commitment than marriage itself, so if he is so ready for that step, why not just get married, since he knows you want that to come first? Especially since he has called it just a piece of paper. Why does he wants kids right now so much? You’ve only been dating a year, that’s a MASSIVE step after a year! Why not marriage to go with it? WHY is he talking about marriage so much anyhow?

    Seriously, has he given a good reason for that? He says you should be happy about the fact that he does (which I think you have a right to be happy about whatever you well please), but not really why he does it, has he?  And whatever his reason, you have told him twice now you don’t want it to happen, and yet he continues to do it. That is not him being absent minded, that is him blatantly disrespecting your wishes (possibly to try and coerce his own upon you).  

    I think these are all issues you should discuss with him, and try to make some sense of what is going on in his head.

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