Post # 1
Hi all –
I’ve had reservations about trusting my FI 100% ever since I caught him texting an ex girlfriend when we were out together about a month ago. His ex was calling me “uncivil” and things like that, which is not acceptable by any means. I left our apartment the following morning and went to my parents’ for a while to clear my head. After a while, I decided to call him and see if he wanted me to come home, so we can talk about things. He said yes, so we talked about things for a while. I had told him if he didn’t want to lose me, he had to stop talking to his ex until I felt comfortable and trusted him 100% again. I said if I catch you doing that again, I am leaving you for good.
Flash forward to yesterday…
FI went to Chicago to go to the Auto Show with his friend. Knowing that a different ex gf now lived in Chicago, I had asked him point blank if he was going to hang out with her. He looked me in the face and said “no.” Ok…
I was going about my day and such, and when I got home from shopping all day, I went onto Facebook to check out what all my friends were doing. And there it was… His status said “Chicago bound”, the ex’s reply “see you in while.” See you in a while??? What!?! He said that he wasn’t going to hang out with her. What happened? So, I sent him a Blackberry pin and asked him what was going on. He admitted to being at dinner with her, but thought it was ok, because his guy friend was also there. He said that it was a spur of the moment thing – but their facebook messages were from 3 hours ago – nothing spur of the moment about that. He didn’t understand the problem – the problem wasn’t the dinner but it was the flat out lying to me. So me being the emotional girl I am, I said that the trust is broken, that he is a cheater, dumb stuff like that (my mistake, I was wrong for calling him names). He told me that I was annoying him and he couldn’t get up from dinner to call me (to calm me down and explain). He said you gotta trust me (how do I trust someone who continues to lie to me and hide stuff from me?) He said that he was leaving me for real (ha – he also has to turn things around on me and play the victim). Then, he blocked me on Blackberry pin and hasn’t talked to me since…
I assume he won’t come home to our apartment tonight, as planned. He’ll probably go home to his momma’s house (he is 28!) and avoid me at all costs.
So, what should I do? Leave him and go to my parents’? Go about my daily business as usual, as to prove that his dumbness doesn’t affect me? I am not sure at this point 🙁 I am all for working things out, but when do I draw the line? I am a young, confident, professional woman who deserves the best…
Post # 3
Keep the ring off for now. Tell him if and when he agrees to stop lying and will work on these trust issues with you, you will put it back on.
Post # 4
hm, well it sounds like 1) you do have some major trust issues with him prior to yesterday’s lie…why isn’t he allowed to see ex girfrleinds in a casual setting? has he cheated on you in the past with them? i think a friendly dinner is nothing to be jealous about… but 2) it is certainly not ok for him to be lying to you. at all.
Post # 5
I am sorry you’re going through this. I hate to say things like this, but it is SOOOO hard to make a relationship work if there is no trust. It was that way when he was your boyfriend, it is still that way with him being your FI and it will likely stay the same for you when he is your husband. I personally could never be in a relationship, let alone a marriage, if I did not 100% trust that person. Its too stressful and emotionally draining to constantly be wondering those types of things. 🙁 I wish you the best and I hope you can find a way to trust him again.
Post # 6
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I would run.
This is exactly how things went with my ex-husband. He kept promising to change, promising he would end all contact with the girls I found out he cheated on me with, and he never did. He just learned to be sneakier about it.
You’ve given him a chance to make it right the first time, he essentially blew you off. (He told you he would change, but had no intent on doing so.) It won’t get better, it will only get worse. He has set that precedence.
Post # 7
I would also keep the ring off. A major part of any relationship is honesty and trust, He has obviously violated both of these.
He should have been honest about his intentions to have dinner with his ex and another friend when he was in town. That way you know he isnt hiding anything from you. I dont like how he went behind your back and tried to hide it from you. Think about it, if she had not commented on his FB you would have never known and I am willing to bet he wouldnt have told you. The lack of honesty is what bothers me more in this situation. I believe people can still remain friends with exes in an open and honest relationship. I dont like that he so easily hid this from you and then tried to turn it around on you.
You guys need to have a candid and heartfelt conversation about why he hid this from you and how honesty and trust are requried in order to make this relationship work. Best of luck
Post # 8
I definitely see a problem with him lying, but if he hasn’t cheated on you in the past, then I don’t see any problems hanging out with his ex, as long as there are other people around, in a casual setting. Maybe if he knew you trusted him with this, then he wouldn’t feel a need to lie about it. I think you need to have a serious discussion with him about trust before you make any decisions.
Post # 9
Well first I would urge you not to play games with him–don’t do things just to make a point, don’t try to prove anything–that’s just sinking to his level of immaturity. Since he clearly can’t, you be the adult here. Take your ring off if you don’t feel right wearing it, but don’t do it just to get a reaction from him. Then, I would call him (I assume he won’t answer) and leave him a message saying that you’re concerned about what has happened and you need to speak with him, so could he please give you a call when he has a chance. Then, go about your day. Wait for him to call, as you asked him to. If you remain calm, and mature, then any antics he pulls just make him look and feel stupid. Hopefully he will see that you’re not throwing a temper tantrum, you’re genuinely concerned about why he would lie to you. Lying is unacceptable.
Also, is there a reason that you don’t want him hanging out or speaking to these exes?
Post # 10
I’d start packing his stuff. I can’t stand liars.
Post # 11
@Ms. Meowerson – He never physically cheated on me (that I know off), but I was the girl he cheated on his ex-girlfriend with (this is a different ex than the other 2 mentioned). That was not one of my proudest moments, by any means, and I am ashamed of it. So…knowing that he has cheated, makes it really hard to trust him. Anything like this takes a toll… And me being naive, I thought he cheated on his ex, because he wasn’t happy with her. Now, I think he just isn’t ready to settle down.
@abbyful – Thanks for your honesty. That’s the reason I turned to the ‘bee.
Post # 12
You can’t marry someone you don’t trust. I don’t know why you’re so adamant about him having no contact whatsoever with any of his exes, but I’m going to respond under the assumption that it’s for good reason. The fact that he’s continually doing things he knows you don’t want him to do then lying about it is unacceptable. I’ve been in the kind of relationship where I’ve sat at home worried and wondering what my then FI was up to. It’s no way to live and won’t get any better once you’re married.
ETA: just read your most recent reply. It’s hard to have a healthy, trusting relationship that was born out of lying and sneaking around. I also started a relationship like that and, shockingly, I ended up getting cheated on as well. It sucks because when it happens to you, you don’t really have any standing to get all righteous about it. From everything you’ve told us it doesn’t really seem like you guys have the trust necessary for a healthy marriage. He’s already proven himself capable of cheating. The reasons he gave you for cheating are meaningless. Cheating ultimately boils down to the respect (or lack thereof) that you have for your partner. He’s shown you that he doesn’t respect you enough to not go out or communicate with his exes when you’ve asked him not to. So what’s to stop him from taking that extra step and cheating? He’s done it before, right?
Post # 13
Sorry, but there is no way I could take this. Something similar happened to me in a past relationship and I couldnt get out of there fast enough.
You are an amazing woman who deserves to be loved and to have trust in her relationship. As soon as I realized this for myself, I found my FI and we love and trust each other very much.
Words cant explain how great it is to see his phone sitting there and not have the urge to snoop through it. With my ex, I always had that “womans intuition” that told me to look through his phone. Whether or not that was the right thing to do, I always found something that was unacceptable. And in the end, I am so glad I snooped 🙂
Post # 14
he’s flat out lying to you, and it’s not acceptable by any means. it’s not the fact that we went out to dinner with an ex: it’s the fact that he lied to you about it, and that’s a serious red flag to me. You should keep the E-ring off for now, and you’re right, you deserve a man you can trust 1000%. If you can’t trust him, there won’t be much of a relationship
Post # 15
@Mrs.HTB -Yeah, I think he tries to hide stuff from me that he knows that will upset me. But the problem is, he is a really bad liar, so I always find out. That is the part that hurts the most….the fact that he lies to me openly.
@mrsmdphd – I wouldn’t have had a problem with him having dinner with her, if he had told me the truth.
Post # 16
So he cheated on his ex girlfriend with you and now you have lingering guilt about it? I’ve been in that position. I was the other woman for awhile, but I didn’t want a serious relationship with that man. My logic was that any man that can cheat on his wife/gf/FI that easily had no business being in a relationship. I was young and selfish. I figured that I didn’t take the vows so if he wasn’t going to be cheating on his wife with me, it would be someone else.
Anyway, I think you should just stay in your place and clear your head. I wouldn’t be mad that he went to dinner with her, I would be mad that he lied to your face.