Post # 1
I had the marriage talk with my SO and told him the timeline and he didn’t say too much so I guess I thought he agreed. Then I brought up going to look at e-rings and he seemed to agree on that too. Well this weekend I told him we were going to look on the way to my mom’s house and he totally fell apart. He started saying it would take too long and is out of the way and this and that, so it was obvious he did not want to go. When I asked him what his problem was and he just kept saying he was scared. I said fine we will not go. I was pretty mad by that time!! I kept asking him why was he scared and I finally got his real thoughts. He said he was disappointed with where he is in his life and that there are so many things he wanted to do. He said he wished he would have gone to a different school and had fun in college. He said he did not like what he is doing at work and that if we were to get married that he would be stuck here in Phoenix. He also said that he did not want to get married and have kids while feeling this way. That he would basically be stuck is how he put it. I just can not understand where he is coming from. He’s been in Phoenix with me for 11 yrs, he could of changed his job numerous times but didn’t. I asked him then why don’t you do the things you want and stop stinging me along. He said I’m too old now. WTF? I don’t understand how you can let life just pass you by and not be happy and not do anything about it all these years. All while stringing me along and acting like you’re happy. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do now. His answer is so ambiguous. I feel like he will never be ready and that I just wasted all of my twenties with this man for nothing. My friend said I should have him write down all the things he wants and what he wants in the future to sort thing out so I might do that but what about me? I’m so sad that after all these years he tells me this. We are supposed to go to Texas this month but I don’t think I should go. What do you bees think I should do? I know you are going to say leave him but I would really like to try and get through this or at least figure out what the problem is. This is so horrible!!
Post # 3
I think he’s probably depressed/going through a mid-life (?) crisis early. I’m hearing, “I want to do all these things and change a bunch of things I already did- but I’m too lazy.”
They sound like excuses because he’s not happy with himself, you may want to suggest therapy to him. Give him a few months- if he isn’t making positive changes in his life look for someone who has found their “happy place.” The only one that can make him happy is himself and to do that he has to get off his butt and do what he wants.
Post # 4
I’m sorry you’re going through this! I wouldn’t say you should leave him, since it’s obvious you care about him and want to marry him, but you guys need to sit down and talk about this (not just bring it up in the car when you’re going somewhere). He needs to be straightforward and honest with you about his feelings and he needs to know that feeling inadequate at his job isn’t a reason to not want a future with you. I can’t speak from experience, but 11 years is such a long time, it really doesn’t make sense that he doesn’t want to get married now, and you deserve an explanation and/or a ring
Post # 5
@desertgirl: Hugs… He told you what his problems were, he doesn’t not enjoy his life in regards to his job and living in Phoenix. If you want to stay and try to work things out I would suggest to your SO that he needs counseling, he is still harping feelings from not going to a certain school and not enjoying college life. I’m 24 and went to a great school and throughly enjoyed my college life, but those days are OVER. Not because I’m engaged but because I have to move on with my life.
Let him know you will stand by his side about finding a new job and relocating if you are willing to move. If he does not show you he is willing to improve his quality of life, THEN I would suggest you move on. Good Luck and HUGS again.
Post # 6
it doesn’t sound like he isn’t happy with YOU, so i wouldn’t suggest dumping him. i agree it sounds like he’s depressed and talking to someone about this might help! if after a few months of counseling, you find that things aren’t gettng better, then maybe you could reconsider your choice to be with him.
Post # 7
Are you yourself happy with your career/education/whatever? Is it worth pointing out to him that lots of couples get together and THEN have lots of fun building a life etc together? It sounds like he thinks marriage means the old-fashioned version of settling down and hanging up your dancing shoes…. you know what I mean?
My FI is unhappy with his career prospects right now, but we work on it together.
Best of luck!
Post # 8
Yeah I definitely do not think you are the problem. It sounds like he is unhappy with decisions he has made and may be taking it out on you and your relationship. I think you should talk to him, lay it all out there how you want to be with him no matter what etc. etc. tell him to let you know what he needs from you to help but also tell him he needs to figure things out about himself and what he wants. Then give him space. Live your own life. Do the things that make you happy. Let him see that you’re fine without him and that you can have fun still whether he wants to be a part of that or not is up to him. Guys respond a lot to feeling like they may lose you or feeling like you don’t need them.
Post # 9
I am in a similar situation. First, I think it probably felt good for him to get all that off his chest, so at least it’s out in the open!! And second, defintiely do not leave him, it’s not YOU, it’s life that’s bothering him. You should rest assured in the fact that he’s not questioning the two of you, but just himself. He needs you as a pillar of support and encouragement right now.
I think maybe you should ask him where he wants to be, and yes have him write down or tell you the steps he needs to take before he gets there. Make him visualize it and put it into words. Don’t let it be an abstract concept or else it can never materalize. And remind him it is NOT too late. I am going to assume the two of you are under 30 or 40? Either way, that is definitely NOT too old to “do something” with your life and career.
Post # 10
im not going to say you should leave him but he needs to figure out for himself what he wants and maybe the two of you together can make a plan but he needs to make a start first. btw my hubby is nearly 40 and has just completed another uni degree and taken on a new job, you are never too old to make changes to your life!
i also believe that not everyone is meant to be with their one special person forever and if its already been 11yrs then maybe it has run its course – sorry, i dont mean to sound unsupportive but it takes two people to want to make a relationship work
goodluck and hugs
Post # 11
I agree with the other bees I really think this is so much more about how he feels about himself than how he feels about you. When he is saying he is unhappy with his life I do not believe he saying he is unhappy with you or your relationship its just that he thought he would be a pro foot-ball player or a CEO and well he isn’t. While women identify ourselves by the families we create and therefore believe marriage is the beginning of the rest of our lives men seem to struggle with this. Men are raised to believe that they are suppose to conquer the world, inseminate hundreds of women, and be rolling in dough before they get married which are all things society have led them to believe is how they should be before they can be responsible enough to be a father. I know you feel like he just bitch slapped you in the face and he pretty much did but he did not intend to. He is being selfish “men are so good at this” he is being wrapped up in his fears and too scared to look and see how he is hurting the woman he cares for. I think you should talk him about how you thought by this point in your life you thought you would be happily married with a baby tucked under your arm and that he isn’t the only one disappointed by where they are at the moment. It is important not to let it turn into a argument though and don’t let him get so wrapped up in his fears that he misses out on his own future with a beautiful wife.
Post # 12
That’s quite the bomb he dropped on you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
If he’s truly that unhappy with himself, there isn’t anything you can do to change or fix this for him. Fulfillment can only come from within, so he’s going to have to figure it out for himself. Therapy, as maureen9004 suggested, could help him figure it out, but again it will only help if he’s willing to put the work in.
It is good that he has finally admitted to himself what the problem is. That is the first step. Hopefully he’ll realize that it’s up to him to take the next step.
Post # 13
I’d ask him why didn’t he do all the things he felt he should have done at the age he thought he should have done them. I get what he’s saying though. Basically, he didn’t get to be young and have fun during his 20s. I’m not sure how, when he isn’t married or have kids….it’s not like he wasn’t fancy free. I’d just point blank ask him what prevented him from doing those things.
Post # 14
@MsMamaBear: Adding onto this, ask him what prevented him from doing what he wanted. If it was your relationship (as in, he couldn’t sow his wild oats because you were committed) then you should ask him if he would trade your relationship for that.
If you want to work through this with him, he needs to identify the problem, why it didn’t happen (this is important! These may be actual legitiamate reasons why things didn’t/couldn’t happy and he will see that he made the right choices) and how it can be fixed.
If you don’t want to work through it, then you may be waiting a very long time.
*hugs* I’m so sorry that he dropped such a bombshell. I know what he has been saying might sound very selfish, but I don’t think it is, I think he has just finally found the courage to tell you how and why he is feeling like he is. Every so often we do have to say “me” “me” “me” so that the other person knows what is going on inside our heads.
Post # 15
Thanks for all the advice bees!! So today I wrote my SO basically telling him that I’m here to help him sort all these issues out. I also put several questions and suggestions that might help him. I gave him the letter when I dropped him off at the airport. I was suppose to go with him but told myself a long time ago that I would not go if I had no answers. Well I have answers now but not good ones. I do feel better now because I feel I put the ball in his court. He either tries to help himself and gets on with life with me or he doesn’t and I will be on my way. This really sucks but at least I know something is going to happen and I’m not in the dark anymore.
Post # 16
It sounds like you’ve gotten some sound advise above. He is creating excuses…he’s not goingto marry until he is settled with himself, but unless he gets up off his toosh and starts doing these things he’s not going to change. I think you need to show him how he encourages you to be a better person and you be very independent, go out with your friends more or see your family more, attend things for you or workshops. Perhaps something as simple as a pottery class with a friend that keeps you out an evening he is home without you. Let him see that only him can change and make this life to what he wants and if he wants you to be a part of it he will not let you go.
A person in need of help can’t be helped unless they want it..
I sincerely hope he sees this as an opportunity for open dialouge and you two work this out. Hang in there and stay true to you!