(Closed) I tried to ignore it…I’m waiting. Thoughts!? How to proceed?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
11 posts
Newbee

I’m definitely obsessed on and off. Pinterest has made me more hungry than wedding crazed but crazy either way! I think there is nothing wrong with a vague timeline.  Obviously you two talk about the future and it will happen.  It’s already not a surprise!  If he is sensitive about it I would just approach it with, I need some closure so that I can settle down and enjoy things as they come.  It is important to know where your relationship stands!

Post # 4
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I understand that he wants to surprise you and he wants you to trust him, but for supposedly progressive, untraditional people, he seems to be taking a lot of control over your future! Actually, it sounds like you are tiptoeing around his plans and feelings, which doesn’t sound like healthy communication.

I don’t see anything wrong in you offering a few ring suggestions or asking him if he plans to propose in 2013. These days it’s very common for couples to pick out a ring together and set an official timeline. You might point this out to him. Tell him you appreciate him wanting to plan it out on his own, but you’d also like to take a part (even a small one) in the planning in order to ease your nerves. I don’t think men understand how nerve-wracking this whole process is for us. It’s not as simple as just waiting and putting it out of our minds. We want some semblance of control over a very big change in our lives. I don’t think that’s anything you should feel crazy for feeling, nor should you feel like a nagging or overbearing girlfriend for asking or wanting to be involved in the process. 

Post # 5
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

looks like you’re a ‘timeliner’ now. i dont see why a discussion on the ‘when’ cant take place.

Post # 6
Member
3617 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m currently going through an I’m-totally-obsessed-why-won’t-you-propose-already momentt.  I first became a Waitingbee when I found out he’d asked for my Dad’s blessing.  That was in July last year and I feel no closer to getting engaged.  We’ve recently become long distance too so all his money went on his relocation and he’ll possibly have to support mine too (I’m a student)

I did get to the point where (on his birthday, *not proud*) I essentially got a bit tipsy and started having a go.  He gave me a timeline “after you graduate”, but in true male fashion it’s so vague it could be anytime at all.

So yes, it’s frustrating.  And I normally get bored of “obsessions” pretty quickly.  But alas, I’m still here.  *SIGH*  I know it will come though.

Do talk to him.  Let him know that you’d llike to get married by the time your 30 (or insert timeline here).  But it sounds like you’re pretty open anyway.

I find the Hive can be pretty good “therapy” but it can make it worse sometimes too.

BTW: Have you joined the waiting list?  Because you totally should ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 8
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It seems like you can either have some control over it, pick out a ring together and mutually decide to get engaged (does he even need to ask at this point? is there any chance you aren’t going to say yes?) and forgo the surprise proposal factor.

Or you can hang out in waiting land, and wait for the romantic and surprise proposal. Of course this is fun, and leads to a fun story, but it also has the uncertainty factor which makes many bees uncomfortable.

You can also just consider that you really are engaged and are just waiting for the ring to arrive- you are domestic partners basically, you know it will happen eventually. kind of like waiting for a nice present for your birthday, only you don’t know the date in advancez,

Post # 9
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Heartly:  Your situation sounds alot like mine ๐Ÿ™‚ ie. obsessed. My guy works full time while I go to school, and one day he found a paper on my desk of half economics notes and half signing my name with his last name, LIKE A CRAZY PERSON. I think there is just something about marriage draws unsuspecting women in and makes them think about it 24/7. I’ve caught myself trying to make seating plans while laying in bed trying to fall asleep!

Guys do not understand planning/timelines AT ALL. But I think you’d have enough time to plan out everything, assuming he proposes soonish, to have a wedding next summer. I’m not expert, ala the bare ring finger, but doesn’t it like take a year to plan everything? I’m not sure how it’d be in NYC too.

I’ve found this site is a good distraction from talking to him about it by talking to everyone on here ๐Ÿ™‚ Good luck and I hope it comes soon so you won’t be waiting too long!

Post # 11
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

I don’t know.  You guys sound like you have such a healthy relationship, he seems committed, and he doesn’t seem shy about talking about the future.  You are still young though so he is probably feeling like he isn’t a rush.  I think it depends on how much you need to know timing?  If he wants to make this a fun surprise, can you let go of your need to know when?  Just enjoy your time and relationship and give him the space to give you a big surprise?  If not, then yeah, you probably should discuss it…

For us, well, I wanted the surprise, I loved it.  We are like you guys – total egalitarian relationship, full partners – but on this one, I loved not being in the mix ๐Ÿ™‚

ETA: If you do decide to not pursue a timeline discussion, I might suggest not hanging around a waiting board, obsessing about it, or spending tons of time planning….If you really feel like you are a “Waiting” bee then by all means talk to him or you won’t enjoy life in the meantime!

Post # 12
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

It’s your life, ask him!  I think it’s unfortunate that us girls wanting to know when or if we’ll be married is considered a taboo subject.  Marriage is a big deal and a joint decision, so you should know where your relationship’s going.  I was sort of timidly waiting to find out this stuff for a long time, and it didn’t do either one of any good.  Your man’s not a mindreader; he won’t know you want to be married in 2013, and engaged for at least x months if you don’t tell him.

Post # 13
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

I think its fine to get a timeline of “oh well i think proposing within a year would be appropriate” kind of thing.  You’re not specifying a date or anything, but you know its coming. 

Feel free to lean on your fellow waiting bees when the times get rough.  We are ALL going through similar emotions so WE GET IT! I started struggling right around the 3 year mark which is when i joined this site.  

 

Post # 15
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@Heartly:  Good luck with the next “talk”. Just a mild warning…last summer my SO was pretty comfortable talking about engagement for a while, even gave me a timeline. But recently, since we’ve started to come closer and closer to the end of that timeline, he doesn’t like to discuss it any more. He’s like your SO, wants me to trust him to do it himself within a reasonable time. And he wants the proposal to be a surprise. Apparently I’m not supposed to be involved! So be careful broaching the topic again if he’s already mentioned that it’s not far out and he wants to surprise you.

Just a suggestion…what about e-mailing the pic of the ring to your SO with the title simply reading “When you’re ready…”. This is a little more subtle…and I only say that b/c it’s what I wish I would have done.

Getting that solid timeline does give you amazing peace of mind though, for a little while anyway. Hope it goes well!

Post # 16
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m not sure this question is related to the advice you’re looking for, OP, but…. going back to your original post, how is it that you’ve been “involved” for four years but only dating for 2.5? In other words, how can you be “involved” before you reach the dating stage?

 

I think if you’ve been dating 2.5 years, you should give him a little nudge. If it were me, I’d give him a big nudge and let him know plainly and clearly what I needed, because I’d be afraid that otherwise the situation might drag on and I’d be left dangling and wondering where the relationship was going and when. But if you’re comfortable giving him some time and space to figure this out, give him a gentle nudge and get the dialog rolling.

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