(Closed) I try SO hard to trust him

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I feel for you – I can’t even imagine the pain and confusion you are feeling at this moment!

Keeping what you said in your post in mind, how imperative is it that you get married this summer? Could you postpone it to go through counseling and work out your trust issues? If your FI thinks nothing of it and lies to you, what’s going to prevent him from doing the same thing once you’re married?

I would have a heart to heart with him and (calmly) tell him how this whole situation makes you feel and try to come up with a solution together.
 

Post # 4
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I don’t think you need to snap out of anything, I think you need to see a relationship counselor. I hear what you’re saying in that the smoking in and of itself is not a big deal, it’s more the issue that he would rather lie than tell the truth. The end result of either is that you can’t trust him. This is an issue that will have to be worked out before the wedding, because it will not get better. The lies will just become about more important things (think of when you have children, are trying to save for an important joint purchase, etc.)

Post # 5
Member
24 posts
Newbee

You shouldn’t have to try "so hard" to trust your partner. You should be able to, easily, because they would never do anything to break that trust.

I hate being the bearer of tough-love, but the truth is that things like are not magically fixed by a wedding. Your relationship pre-wedding becomes your marriage. It is, at its core, the same relationship. The same dynamic, the same problems, only with a lifetime of commitment ahead of you. And like ES said…think of your potential children! If he won’t drop the pot habit for you, will he drop it for his kids? 

Distrust and jealousy are horrible feelings, so I’m going to say the following because I would never want anyone to spend the rest of their lives dealing with them:

I would strongly urge you to seek counseling immediately, even if it means postponing the wedding planning for awhile. Figuring this out now could save you loads of problems in the future.

Post # 6
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

I hope you feel better after venting some.

I know it’s hard to trust someone fully when they’ve betrayed your trust again and again.  No matter how big or small the issue, it hurts the same and I hope that one day you can say that you do trust him fully.  It takes time and effort on both ends to build that trust.  It’s hard, I’ve been there plenty but when both sides want to make it work that bad, it’s definitely not impossible.  But it takes both sides to equally want it that bad. 

I do agree that this is an issue to be resolved before marriage.  I hope you can sit down with him and have a deep heart to heart about this.  I wish you well and we’re all here to support you!

Post # 7
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

The way I see it, you need to stop enabling him. 

I can appreciate that you don’t like his pot smoking, the flirty behavior (to a degree), and the lying about it all.  this isn’t about you being too controlling.  You are planning to spend forever together.  Do you want to deal with pot smoking?  What happens when you have kids?  What if it turns to something else?  Getting married comes with growing up so you can support each other and a family.  Smoking pot is not being responsible.  And the lying…. If he is lying how will you know when to trust him?  A little inoccent flirt isn’t all that bad, but when he lies about it???  What are you to think?

The problem is that he is lying to you because he can.  You say you don’t want him to smoke pot.  He’s still smoking pot, and you’re still with him.  He found that he could lie to you, (so he could have his cake and eat it too) which probably worked for a bit.  Yet you find out he’s lying to you, (which understandably you don’t like) and are still with him.  Why should he change?  You are staying with him, no matter what.

Also, you said he has changed, in that he is only smoking pot twice a month.  But what is bothering you is that he is lying to you about it.  I’m not sure if that is accurate.  If the lying is the problem, why not say, fine twice a month?  That way he wouldn’t have to lie.  That fact is, you don’t like the lying, and that he’s still smoking pot, even if you feel that he’s "cut down" quite a bit.

I don’t mean to sound harsh.  I’m sure it’s difficult.  But I think you need to stand up for what is important to you.  It may be something that can be corrected with counseling.  Is he willing to go to counseling?  Is he going to choose pot over you?  You deserve someone who is there for you.  While it isn’t good to try to change or control your partner, you have every right to expect that he act like an adult.  Do you want a man who doesn’t smoke pot is honest and devoted, or one who smokes pot "a little", who is secretive about his behavior?  Good luck.  I wish you the best in getting this straightened out.  You deserve the best.

Post # 8
Member
248 posts
Helper bee

Oh my gosh – this is such a huge issue. Counseling – definitely. Have you considered delaying the wedding? There are worse things than that. Also the issue of him lying about pot hidden in the car. Aside from the lack of trust issues, have you considered the legal issues this invloves -with you in the car? This may not be what you want to hear, but there are red flags all over this story. Not just a lack of trust – but a lack of respect towards you is written all over his behavior. Tough as it is, you need to have the self-respect to not allow it. Good luck sorting it all out.

Post # 9
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Chronic lying is part of a larger problem to me.  My xh was a liar who could look at you dead in the face and swear on his grandmother’s grave and tell you a lie and you’d believe him.  But he wasn’t always that way and found (this was after he became really super successful in his field and thought the world owed him every ounce of pleasure and successful trappings).  There is a real pathology in that kind of lying, and I think (my opinion only) that maybe seeing together a counselor together and apart (with him alone for them to analyze) to determine if your FI is able to be a good husband to you and if this lying is a disorder or if it’s simply his way of getting out of things… 

I think there are serious issues in this relationship, sadly, other than the lying (the illegal issue) and that’s NOT a characteristic of a productive marriage partner or someday parent at all.  Have to be honest. That being said, I will not be with somebody whom I could NOT trust with my life or with the life of my child or be with somebody who had an ongoing addiction.  I’d rather be single and happy than marry and have serious doubts at the very beginning. 

Post # 10
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I am so sorry you’re going through this… I was in a 4 year relationship with someone who behaved in a similar way and it was extremely stressful and heartbreaking. 

I second the other bees here, counseling might be very helpful for both of you.  Best of luck with this, and keep us posted.   

 

Post # 11
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think your relationship is necessarily doomed, but I think you need to schedule a long talk with your fiancee and really communicate to him that his behavior is endangering the existence of your relationship.  It’s clear from your email that you don’t want these traits in a husband and it is also clear that if he does not change in some very big ways, these traits are exactly what you are committing the rest of your life to.  Please please have an honest and calm talk with him, and please please be honest with yourself about whether this is the KIND of man you want as a husband.

Good luck hon.  I really feel for you.

Post # 12
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

You shouldnt have to try to trust him.  You have good reason not to trust him, and he’s doing nothing to earn trust back.  Not good.  It seems like you have 2 very different wants and likes in life.  In some things, thats good. Opposites can bring out the best and unseen sides of each other… but this doesnt seem like that. This seems like you holding on for dear life on a ride that isn’t going to go where you want to be.  If he’s so okay with flat out lying now, what happens later with very serious matters? A la, what he did while he was stoned or who he did them with.

Post # 13
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hi there-sorry to hear you are dealing with this situation. I have to agree with the other bees-completely. Your dating/engaged relationship becomes your marital relationship. Like one of the other girls said-you shouldn’t have to try to trust him. The picture thing would bother me. My FI and I agree on this-if I wouldn’t say it or do it in front of my fiance, then I shouldn’t be saying it or doing it. We agreed on this together & the same goes for him. The business about him partying with friends concerns me also-would he have done those things/behaved that way if you had been there? My guess is probably not. You shouldn’t have to compromise on your lifestyle choices (including that which may be in regards to your safety or that of a child). As a mom, the child factor comes to mind immediately-not to be harsh or scare you, but what if he is under the influence and causes a wreck with you in the car? With your child/children? If he is stopped and substance is found in the car-that will probably mean that he will get arrested and anyone in the car with him is involved in a less than pleasant situation. I shudder to think of what would happen if he was with kids. This level of stress is unnecessary for you-I’m so sorry. He should want to be a better person for you and for your life together.

Post # 14
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Take it from me, they don’t ever completely change unless THEY want to and are ready to. He’s telling you those things because  he wants to appease you but he does not want to fully change his habits.

You have to make a decision for yourself, how much of the pot smoking are you willing to let go on and how many of the lies are you willing to accept? He is who he is and if you can’t accept that, then perhaps it doesn’t need to be.  If it’s going to eat away with you that much.

 I had an ex that was heavily into pot smoking, which did not bother me, but his alcoholic tendencies definitely did. He’d always promise to change and stop drinking or not drink as much and it never stopped. He ended up driving drunk, wrecking, and getting arrested, and this was his catalyst for change, not me.  

Counseling definitely would be your best bet, though. Even without such issues, I think that every couple should go through pre-marital counseling. It helps you understand how you can support one another and work as a team and not continue to think of it as two individuals working for themselves.

Post # 15
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

My FI was into smoking pot a lot too. He smoked cigarettes too, but that didn’t bother me as much. (to give you some background, I’ve never smoked anything, never done any drugs- I’ve only had alcohol).
What made him stop was getting caught. Yup. He got in trouble, and was on probabtion for a year. During that year he couldn’t do ANYTHING. I told him that I hated the fact that he smoked and he needed to choose if it was more important than me. He doesn’t do it anymore, so he chose me.

He did it because he was bored, wanted to do something, etc. Giving my FI an ultimatum worked for me, but it might not work for you. You need to talk to him and just lay it down. Either he can accept that his behavior is wrong, not to mention ILLEGAL, and if he gets caught, he’ll have to pay tons in fines and fees, OR, he can just continue to do whatever he wants. He’s leading himself down a destrutive path. It’s REALLY hard to get a job when you have to take drug tests.

I’m sorry about the flirting- I’m not too good answering stuff like that, so I’ll leave it up to other bees!

Post # 16
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Okay, I just want to say that I’m giving you my opinion because you are asking for it. And it’s being based only on what you posted.

 I think trust is extremely important in a relationship. I mean this is the man you are saying that you are going to marry and spend the rest of your life with. Start a family with (if you so chose). That’s a HUGE commitment. I’m not saying you, but I think in general one of the reason for a huge divorce rate in this country is because people have divorce to fall back on and don’t take into the fact that marriage should be a lifetime commitment. It is hard work to make any relationship work.

I have to say I think both sides are at fault, he’s lying to you and you are not trusting him enough. I mean thus far he has not done anything HUGE to give you good reason not to trust him. I think it’s a huge red flag when you can’t trust him to NOT cheat on you because you saw a picture of him dancing with a girl. Granted I think since he is with you he should not be dancing with another girl anyway.

But I agree with another poster. If you are having these kinds of thought they are not going to go away until you sit down with him and work at it. Both of you have to give a little bit. I think YOU need to really think yourself if this relationship is worth fighting for. And again for me I think trust is the foundation of any relationship. Like any building, if the foundation is shaky the building will eventually fall down.

The other question I have is maturity level. Are you guys at different points in your lives? I mean you may be the same age or older than him. Is he still stuck in the party hardy mindframe? Is HE ready for marriage?

Anyway, I’m really sorry if I came off harsh but I really think marriage is a HUGE committment. Not something that should be done heat of the moment. Or you should not go into it just because you are already engaged.

Best of luck and I hope it all works out.

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