I try to ignore my FIL but the sexism is too much!!!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Ugh, that sucks. I think your husband is right, though.. what can really be done aside from limiting the time you spend with him? Or moving far away? Lol.

I would try to focus on his good qualities… he must have something, right??

Getting into a debate with him will likely get you nowhere and he may take it out on your MIL.

Don’t forget that your MIL is an adult too and unless he is somehow abusing her, she has willingly put up with this for many years.

Post # 4
2576 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@amoret11:  My best advice is to just limit the amount of time you spend with him. Maybe go out for coffee with your MIL or SIL when you are visiting? Getting into debates/arguments is useless unfortunately and will only make you more angry.

I have some old world sexist distant relatives, and I haven’t seen them in years and prefer it that way. They were horrified that I wasn’t married off at age 22 and would probably freak if they saw me still single at 30. These are the types of relatives that would never ask a woman about her career, but have no issues asking her SO that they barely know about his (::Fume::) and then wondering why the woman is not getting excited over the babies at the place (not a fan of children). I have found that limiting contact is the best thing to do in these situations.

Post # 5
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I wouldn’t let FIL speak to my DH that way. Not sure it’s your place to interfere in his marriage (but nice that your DH tries!) but for damn sure, I wouldn’t allow him to talk to me in that way.

Post # 6
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I would not allow my daughter to spend any time at that man’s house and I would require that my FI be on the same page.  I would also start limiting the time I spend at the FIL’s house to the bare minimum.  If they don’t like it then the FIL needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut when you do visit.  If he can’t behave, then I wouldn’t visit and as soon as he says something offensive, I would leave immediately.  I did that to my FIL once when he said something offensive and since then, he has behaved much better when we visit.

If your FI doesn’t support you in this then you need to reconsider marrying him because to an extent you are marrying into that family and your children will have some contact and visitation with them.

Post # 7
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@amoret11:  i’d encourage my FI to say ‘dad, you saying x, y and z is completely unacceptable and innapropriate. how do you think that makes sisters a and b feel? you may not agree, and may not change, but i will be limiting my time here because of your disrespect to mom’.

i mean – you fi can’t stand up for his MOTHER? and you both sitting there biting your tongues is only encouraging his awful behaviour – i would straight up tell him that i don’t plan to waste my time off, birthdays, holidays etc with a man who thinks that i am less valuable or less worth respect than a man. period. 

so WHAT if your fil doesn’t change – at least your poor MIL will know that someone cares about her, good grief, she has an asshat for a husband and watches as her family tacitly agrees with him. imagine how alone she must feel!

Post # 9
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@amoret11:  That sounds like a quasi-, if not full on, abusive relationship.

I’m a hardcore feminist. I would say something. I would say A LOT. But maybe you have to start small. No one gets to be mistreated because of biological identity. He’s your FIL? She’s your MIL. Now, she’s obviously brainwashed, so you can’t be too pushy or she’ll defend him/deflect the blame. But next time she spills something, you get on the floor and you tell FI to get on the floor and you clean it for her. Offer her support, support, support. Let her vent, do chores for her, help her with her “female” duties, and I’ll bet she’ll start to open up to you and get stronger. Demonstrate how an egalitarian couple interacts. I bet she’ll be very proud of her son and it will show her the shit she is putting up with. Hopefully she still has time to stop being a servant.

“He has daughters too and I can’t believe he is setting this kind of example for his grandchildren.” Because he doesn’t like/respect women. He would obviously be comfortable with a man treating your future daughter the way he treats your fiance’s mother. 

FIL is his father, fine. But this is a man who draws strength from feeling “better” than women (and apparently, POC?) Your FI has more of a duty to his mistreated mother than he does to his father. And if not passively allowing his mother to be treated like shit alienates his dad, so be it.


Post # 10
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@amoret11:  The whole “FIL can’t do chores to save his life” is BULLSHIT (not yelling at you though haha). Everyone can boil fucking water and turn on a washing machine. She needs to stay away a hell of a lot longer than a couple weeks. She needs to stay away for several MONTHS and do whatever the hell she wants to do. She is a grandmother. She has the right to be fully free and worshipped in her home. Make him take care of himself for a few months and gain a little appreciation for what she does for him.

And as for your future children (if you have any), start the feminism convos early (especially with boys). If you feel compelled to visit your ILs and they still have this dynamic, use their dynamic to show your children how NOT to treat their spouse.

Post # 12
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@amoret11:  Man, I am sorry to hear that. Hopefully the cycle at least breaks with his kids. We have so much further to go but maybe one day men like FIL will be extinct and men like ours will be the standard!

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