Post # 1
I am fustrated right now. After I got engaged, I picked a date, a venue, and a dress. Soon after, I selected BM dresses. I typed out a letter informing them of the store, the style number, the color, the price, and the aprox. time that they should order the dress (all of this was done in Feb). I even scanned pictures of the dresses and included them in the letters!
When it came time to order:
I keep getting asked what dress it is. How much does it cost? When do they have to order by?(after sending out additional correspondence with the details)
I have one BM lying about the size that she ordered (she doesn’t know that I received an email from the store stating the size, color, and style number). I really don’t care what size the dress is, as long as it fits. So I really don’t understand the point of calling to tell me what size you ordered.
The deadline has come and gone, and people are crying about not being able to afford the dress. Okay, I understand that. BUT, WHY WOULD YOU BE ON FACEBOOK A FEW DAYS LATER TALKING ABOUT SPENDING ALMOST $100 FOR YOUR SOME SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!! The dress was only $135. I am your facebook friend and other members of the family are facebook friends can see this, but they must have forgotten that they were whining to us about being broke.
Another person has been complaining about being able to afford their dress, but they are on FACEBOOK talking about they are shopping.
Why can’t they just back out and allow someone else that would be in the wedding.
Sorry for venting.
Post # 3
Its okay to vent..!!!
It could be not as much as they are broke as they are just “broke” when it comes to spending money they dont want to?? If that makes sense.
I feel “broke” right now bc i am having to but a plane ticket to go to a stagette for someone i dont really know….when in all sense im financially sound. Maybe just “having” to buy a dress is annoying….although i am NOT justifying what they are doing or saying as they are in the party and had accepted the position aka the responsibilites.
Post # 4
@Baileyh: I agree. I feel that if you are broke, whether it is because you don’t have the money or they don’t want to spend the money, you should just back out.
Post # 5
I agree with Baileyh. It’s totally different spending money on yourself, since thats your hard earned money. There is something depressing about spending money on a dress you’re never going to wear again. Yes, it is something that you agreed to when you agree to be in a wedding. People shouldn’t complain in theory, but in reality, it’s easier said that done. Also, although you say the dress is “only” $135, that’s more than I’ve ever spent on a bridesmaid dress and that doesn’t include alternations so it’s not a small sum of money. I don’t think anyone would back out for financial reasons unless its really serious, and I also don’t think if any of them backed out that they should be “replaced”. You asked the people you invited to be in the wedding for a reason, and you shouldn’t have a second tier person to ask in the case that happens, in my opinion, or they should have been asked in the first place.
Post # 6
Ditto the previous posters. It’s one thing to have money to spend on things for yourself, but it’s another to spend that same amount of $ on a dress you will likely never wear again. Sad, but true. I’ve been in that position many times when someone asked me to be in their wedding and $500 later I just felt like it was too much – even though I was not hurting for money otherwise.
An ex friend of mine was having a destination wedding, and out of town engagement party and bachelorette parties and asked me to be in the wedding. It would have cost me around $2k to participate in all of the events so I declined. She got so upset about it that we have not talked since. Sad but true.
So having been in that position and not been thrilled about it, when I got married in June, I bought and delivered my BM dresses to my girls, and they all live in different states than I do! May have been overboard, but I really didn’t want them to have to spend a dime to be part of our wedding.
Post # 7
@Krises: If you are complaining about money to me $100 and $135 aren’t too far away. I just think that it was inconsiderate of her to go on facebook and brag about something after just complaining to me that she is having a hard time. I mean, why lie to people. She was making it seem like she didn’t have a pot to piss in when we talked to her. I understand that people may not want to spend money on my wedding, but I thought people would care more about keeping their word to me.
I asked some the people that I wanted, but at my FH’s request I asked some people that he wanted. To avoid having 15 BMs, I held off on asking other friends that I would’ve preferred to have in the wedding over FH’s requests. (He did honor my requests too). I know that in hindsight, I should’ve just asked the people that seemed excited for me, but I was trying to make FH, my Mama, and few other people happy because this was the first wedding in a long time and blah, blah, blah.
Post # 8
I totally agree that $100 and $135 aren’t far off. It seems that your friend might not be in a great place financially. It’s possible that the money she is spending is on credit. In my experience, people are often bragging about something when there is something to hide. So, she might be trying to hide her money issues by bragging about her purchases, although they aren’t something she can afford. Obviously I have no idea its just an impression I get. And I am not condoning it at all. I think when she accepted the position of BM, its expected to spend money on a dress and she should live up to that. All I was trying to get at is that its easier to spend money on yourself for something you need than spending money on a dress you’ll never wear again and that might be where her hesitation and complaints about money are coming from.
And about the BM issue, it is unfortunate you couldn’t ask those you felt closest with. I am right there with you, though, I will likely have to cut my list of intended maids because its quite a long one. I just would find it hurtful if I was asked to be a BM much later on after someone else dropped out. In that situation, I think its better to just accept the uneven numbers, if your maid does eventually decide the financial aspect is too much for her. But only you would know how your other friends might react to be asked at a later date. Considering you had wanted to ask them originally, it might be a different situation than just asking someone to fill a spot.
Post # 9
@msshell: I understand. I wouldn’t be upset if people were honest with me. I really wish I could buy all of their dress, but I wouldn’t be able to afford to do something like that until about ten years from now. I have informed them that I will be paying for all of their accessories (which are pretty expensive).
@Krises: You are right. About a month ago, I had the “If they don’t have their dresses, then they are not in the wedding. I am not going to bother replacing anyone” attitude. But everyone (except FH) felt that I should replace people. I did replace one person and they were delighted (I orginally wanted to ask her), but I was afraid that she would get offended. I’m glad that worked out, but now I am over it all. To be honest, I would feel guilty to ask someone at this point (even though they would be more than happy to be in the wedding).
Post # 10
Even if you can’t afford to buy them the dresses, could you front the money just for your peace of mind knowing that they’re ordered and will be here on time? I did this with my bridesmaids and was just like… “this is coming out of the money I’ve set aside to pay for everybody’s dinner, so please pay me back before the wedding”. I think it’s hard for people to spend money on a dress that they’re not going to wear for another 6 months when there’s more immediate temptations.
Post # 11
I totally sympathize with you. I’ve gotten so many questions from people they could answer by looking at our wedding website or just getting on google. Seriously people – busy bride – you can figure out how to get from the condo I rented for you to the rehearsal dinner. Same for figuring out the dress to order.
As far as money, if someone asks me to be in their wedding then it’s not money spent on the dress, it’s money spent to be part of a friend’s wedding. That should be way more important and exciting than shoes. I’m sorry your bridesmaids don’t feel like that.
Post # 12
yea its like ppl like the “honor” of being a bm but not everyone wants to put in the work or money until the last minute! hopefully they get their acts together soon
Post # 13
I feel your pain! I had a BM complaining about paying $80 for a bachelorette/shower weekend. And she had 6 months to pay and still didn’t pay until they confronted her at the bachelorette!! Oh and while she was at the bachelorette she was talking about how she bought $200 worth of stuff from Victoria Secret for herself!
She is the same girl who would not go get fitted and complained because she was having to get fitted 6 months before the wedding and she would change size by the wedding- let me add she was not paying for the dress My mother was- and we were all getting fitted while in town for the bachelorette and shower in June.. So ordering the dresses in March they take a couple months to get in- fittings in june- fixed and ready by the sept. wedding.
I think some people are just negative and always have to find a reason to complain! I cant’ wait until BM like this end up getting married and they know how it feels trying to pull everything together while having to deal with people questioning them and/or complaining!
Post # 14
@SapphireSun: My parents, FILs, and FH would all veto that. For one, FILs are already paying for other people’s dresses/attire. My parents had to foot some of the bill for my grandfather’s funeral. And FH doesn’t trust the two people who hasn’t ordered to pay him back (I’m not working right now).
Plus, I view it more as keeping your word. I have had members of the bridal party tell me that they are having finanical issues/personal issues that prevented them from ordering for the suggested deadline. I worked with them and everything is fine. However, the two ladies have really been trying to avoid me. I (and my mama) had to ask them if anything was wrong. We keep telling them to let us know if they have any issues. We have been understanding but this week I felt like I was slapped in the face when I saw one talking about shopping and the other talking about buying $100 shoes on FB. (I felt sorry for them, and now I feel deceived).
One of them even stated that she felt that it was too soon to order dresses. Um… my wedding is a little more than 4 months away.
@rachelss: Exactly. The reason why I went thru the trouble of typing letters etc. was to avoid this. I think people forget that we have lives outside of the wedding.
Post # 15
Thank you for your responses.
Post # 16
If a person doesn’t want to spend their money on a dress or tux or whatever or can’t afford to do so then…the answer to “Will you be my bridesmaid” is “No”!
Don’t agree and then complain! Ugh!!! I’ve been a BM twice. After that I vowed to never do so again. It would have to be someone really, really close to me and my closest friends are already married. However, I never complained (to the bride or family members) about the dress, the ugly clear shoes, the stupid hot shawl in August, the fact that I had to wear my hair the same as women who had hair +6″ longer than mine…You get my point 🙂