i unintentionally hurt my best friend very badly…HELP!!!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

I don’t know how close you live, but I think you just need to go to her. Whether it be at her house or the hospital – just go and be there with her! Actions speak louder than words. 

Post # 3
Member
6609 posts
Bee Keeper

That’s ok. You didn’t mean to not be there, and I can tell you really empathize with her. It will get better. You can make up for it by being there for her now.

Post # 4
Member
980 posts
Busy bee

Yikes, I think you need to make this up to her in person. Take some flowers, turn up at her place and spend some quality time with her or take her for a coffee. Facebook messages aren’t going to fix this. I can understand why she’s so upset with you, and I can see how it was difficult for you but I think if you make those excuses she is just going to be more annoyed. 

Post # 5
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Seattle, WA

I’m sorry you are going through such a stressful time with your friend. However, I don’t agree that you or your husband did anything wrong. You didn’t purposefully miss the funeral. So don’t beat yourself up over this. Just be there for her as much as you can right now with her dad. My dad had a heart attack last week. He thankfully did not require surgery, but it was a compete shock to our family. With her grandfather just passing, I can only imagine the fear she has right now of almost losing her dad too. So I agree with PPs, visit her in person, do whatever you can to show her you’re not going anywhere. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

At the heart of it, you didn’t do anything wrong. It was just a bad series of events. That being said…. she’s grieving and she probably feels really let down and alone. I think that you need to show her you care. I’d show up with flowers and maybe a gift basket with her favorite things (some candy… her favorite drink…really anything that will make her smile). Write her a card and let her know how much you regret that you weren’t there in her time of need. Like you said, this wasn’t intentional, but intention doesn’t matter right now. What matters is her perception and right now she feels abandoned. 

Post # 7
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but you did mess up. You should have either found a way to get phone reception over the weekend, or checked her facebook as soon as you got back into reception (probably Monday night). Your dog’s surgery probably might have meant you couldn’t attend the funeral, but you at least then would have been able to send your regrets.

From here, I agree with PPs, connect with her in person or by phone (voice), not by text. Apologise. Circumstances did conspire against you, but I think you should still apologise for not trying harder. But reassure her that you love her and didn’t mean to miss the funeral.

Post # 8
Member
643 posts
Busy bee

aussiemum1248:  +1. 

I love my dog more than anything and I’ve been through surgeries with him. It’s an awful feeling and I hope your furbaby is okay. 

Having said that, this is a lifelong friend. Whether death is expected or not, it’s still hard. I think you should have checked in with her as soon as you were back given you knew the funeral was upcoming. 

However, you can’t change the past. All you can do is try and make this right. Facebook and texting isn’t going to cut it and even calls aren’t enough. If I were you, I’d get there in person and be there for my friend. 

Post # 9
Member
7406 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Brides say on here all the time that you can tell who your true friends are when talking about wedding attendance/doing things for the wedding. I say that you really know who your friends are not during the good times but during the bad times. Sorry OP but in friendship a death trumps a holiday weekend to the cabin….especially for your best friend. And not showing up to the funeral (your husband could of seen to the dog) was even worse.

as others have said go see her in person, apologise and then let her know that when she is ready you will be there waiting. She is going to need time to get over being let down and you need to give her that time.

Post # 10
Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

aussiemum1248:  wut? How was she supposed to know her friend would post the info on FB? Read the post again and im wondering how you expected her to know to check her facebook for funeral info? 

Post # 11
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Banquet hall

Bring her and her family food at the hospital and/or steal her away for an hour to take lunch so she can clear her head. I would also offer to go with her to her Pap’s grave when she’s ready if he was buried. Going back to the cemetary is that leap that you need support for and can’t always ask. (Perhaps right before or after the wedding to include his memory.) If he wasn’t buried, then maybe the first time she has to go back to his house or a favorite place. If the estate needs physical work before it’s settled (lawn work, housework, cleaning), I would be there for that.

I was, unknowingly, with my childhood BFF when her grandfather died. She had just gotten back from a long night at the hospital, had said her goodbyes as they didn’t know if he’d regain consciousness, and had to go back to her mothers house to lock up, take care of the animals and such while her mother sat vigil. I brought food and we talked and watched TV til late and then she seemed tired and like it was time for me to leave so I said goodnight. Turns out she’d gotten a text from her mother that her grandpa had passed right before I was leaving. I often wish I had stayed the night when I think she had to stay in a lonely dark house in such sorrow, but she didn’t tell me.

You learn, you accept, and you help in the ways you can Today. Not Yesterday.

Post # 12
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

purrrbaby:  Well if someone has a significant life event like that, I check their facebook to see if they’ve posted anything. Anyway there were ways other than facebook (e.g. texting mutual friends). The point is OP should have spent some of the weekend getting into phone range and finding out.

But that’s all past. It’s a mistake but not an unforgivable one. From here, she needs to speak to her, apologise, and be there for her.

Post # 13
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

This just sucks, I mean yeah you should have been more diligent in finding out when the funeral was but you did tell her to text you the info.  but she was grieving so you can’t really blame it on that either.  If she truly cares about you, she will move on from this and you two will be okay.  Just take her some of her favorite food, have a movie marathon or whatever makes her happy and be there for her now.  No changing the past, just the future.  Good luck and I really think everything will be fine.

Post # 14
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

If she lives nearby, how about you go by her house with some comfort food? Enough with the texting and FB messages. 

Post # 15
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

This is definitely the time to show up at her house (or the hospital if she’s still there for her father) with flowers and apologies and your presence. 🙂

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