(Closed) I want a divorce

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

You fight about sex, money, kids, family – those are not little things. Did you not discuss those things prior to marriage or have you both changed your minds on them since the wedding?

Post # 4
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Were these issues before the wedding? Did you go to premarital counseling?

Post # 5
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - White Point Garden, Charleston, SC

If you truly feel this way you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. Do what is right for you. I know many may suggest counseling and I’m not opposed to this, but you need to decide if it’s something you want to work on or if you’ve really decided you’d be better off without him. You are not a bad person if you don’t want to work on your problems in counseling. Sometimes things are not worth saving and only you can decide that.

Best of luck. I’ve been in a long term relationship that ended poorly and can understand to an extent. I stayed miserable for almost 2 years just to avoid all the messiness of leaving. Don’t do that to yourself whatever you do.

Finally, a big hug from me to you. You’ll figure it out one way or the other and be an even better person for it.

Post # 6
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

What the heck, did you marry my ex husband, cuz it sounds exactly like him!  You really need to either get counseling or get out.  Those issues are not small, and need to be solved, one way or another.  

Post # 7
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You posted about this a couple weeks ago if I’m not mistaken.  Maybe give yourself a deadline and if nothing has improved then file for divorce.  Like if nothing has changed in three more months then file.  Keep your finances 100% separate and drag him to counseling.  If he won’t go then maybe you need to separate for a while.  You don’t have to decide what to do for sure right this moment, but you can decided to take a step back for a while and re-evaluate.  Does he know you’re considering leaving?  Because like PP said these are all huge issues and if you cant get some form of compromise, there doesn’t seem to be much hope.  I think you should give it a little while longer, though.

Post # 8
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

oh my gosh ๐Ÿ™ I am so sorry. Were these issues before you got married?! It seems like you are two very different people.

I wish you the best! Talk to those who love and support you, and get their advice. I have a hard time thinking your parents would want you to be with someone who treats you this way

Post # 9
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t be too ashamed to make yourself happy. Your friends and family love you and if they kneread this, they would understand and they wouldn’t be upset about the wedding. It sounds like you have some legitimate reasons to want to leave the marriage. 

Could you try counseling? Maybe he is having trouble adjusting to married life and things will improve. If you split the bills 50/50 then maybe he thinks it is sensible to have you pay for yours, but it certainly isn’t the attitude I would want my husband to have towards me. Especially if it means that I wouldn’t have insurance at all.  Was your relationship like this before you got married? If you think the relationship can improve then do what you can to make it work. But if not, I would get out sooner rather than later and especially before you have kids.

Post # 10
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

He is not treating you as a wife; much more like a roommate and you are married for goodness sake. I think the idea of a deadline is a good one but I suspect you will feel the same when it comes and goes. As for justifying a divorve, there is no need to justify your decision to anyone. You are obviously miserable and that’s no way to live a life!

Post # 11
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Sorry to hear about this, it sounds like a really tough situation ๐Ÿ™

Is there a good reason why you need to keep your finances separate and split all expensese 50/50?  Each couple needs to find the way that works best for them, but it sounds like it’s not working well for you.  It’s not reasonable for you to forgo health insurance because you can’t afford it when he could afford to pay for you.  If you make less money and things are split 50/50, what does the rest of his money go to if it can’t go to things that are common between the 2 of you? Toys for him?

 

Post # 12
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

@trueblue14:  +1.

I understand some need for separate finances, but the fact that he makes so much more than you do but still holds you to 50% of your expenses… I really hope that he’s at least choosing to live at a level that you can afford, rather than making you really, really stretch your half.

A marriage is a partnership! It’s one thing to expect your partner to pull their own weight, but if you don’t make an equal amount of money, I don’t think everything should be split straight down the middle. What exactly does he intend to do with all his extra money?

Post # 13
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

For what it’s worth, I also agree with others that you shouldn’t think about what other’s opinions will be.  It also shouldn’t matter what the wedding cost (or how great it was!). What matters is you and your husband and your relationship. 

I personally think that divorce should be an extreme last resort, it shouldn’t be taken lightly.  I totally agree that you need to take some sort of action now, as you can’t live the rest of your life in this situation.  There are a lot of productive things you could consider as your next step:

– A serious (calmed voice) talk about whether you 2 are happy, and how to change that

– Counseling, sometimes 3rd parties are a good advocate for you too :), especially if he respects the counsellor.  But be prepared that you might also hear things about how you need to change that could be tough too.

– Separation while going to counselling

Post # 15
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Cyanfire:  Oh my goodness!  I just pm’d her 7 min ago suggesting that book!  I’m glad we agree!

Post # 16
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I agree with PP, the issues you’ve described are not minor. I would try counceling, if possible. If not, the idea of a timeline sounds good. Some things can’t just work themselves out. A marriage is a partnership. You have to be able to trust that your partner has your best interest in mind. His unwillingness to put you on his insurance because you weren’t able to afford it at the time seems ridiculous. The issue of having children is something that I feel one can not compromise on. Your partner either wants them or doesn’t, but you already know that you do. Are you willing to wait around for him to ‘be ready’ (if ever)?

You mentioned he is generous with his family (car and money). This should be the same, if not more so with his WIFE. All relationships require work, but none should result in depression or feeling unhappy.

Good luck and I really hope everything works out for the best!  

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