Post # 1
I wrote in another post in the relationship board that my SO just got accepted to a masters program and will be moving very far away (15 hours, approx 900 mi/1400km) and he will not be able to visit for at least 8 months. We’ve been together for 3 years, it will be 3 years and 9 months by the time he leaves, and I have expressed to him that I am not liking the idea of him being gone for so long without being engaged.
There is a possibility of me going with him, but I said once our lease was up we weren’t moving back in together without being engaged a few months ago. As much as I want to stick to that, it would have to wait until next year to set in motion, because it would be stupid for us to have 2 apartments 15 hours away, and ridiculously expensive. On a student budget, it just doesn’t seem like a wise choice. Living costs are cheaper where we are now, and I had been prepared to not live together once our lease is up the end of April.
There was never any talk of breaking up, it’s just that I feel I’ve given him enough information/proof that our relationship works, and I’m sick of playing house. Next year will be my last year of school, and he will finish the year after that. So I think I can make it 2 years without living together, even though we’ve been living together for over 2 years already.
I know that other than what I’ve already said to him, I have no control over whether or not he proposes, and I know, when thinking logically, that it wont happen before he leaves…
How do I squash that little bit of hope and move past it so that I can be excited about him going, even if it’s without me?
Post # 3
You just need to hold true to what you want and not move with out a ring. Dont state it with anger but just as a fact. As to be happy about the move? Fake it till you make it I guess! “Of course you should pursue that opportunity, I’m so proud of you”.
Sounds like you have a year until it actually happen though so don’t sweat it. Roommates are just as cheap as live in bfs. If you cave and move you’ll likely be the bee on here crying, lonely that they moved and theres still no ring.
Post # 4
@MrsBuesleBee: Hey, sorry for the confusion. We’re not at exactly 3 years right now. It’s 3 years 4 months, so it’s only 5 months until either he moves, or we both move. Thanks for your advice though. I agree, ‘fake it til I make it’ is probably all there is to do.
Post # 5
Gotcha 5 months. Also- don’t drop it all “no ring, no move” with a foot stomp. Just say (if he asks you about moving) you couldn’t imagine making a move like that, away from your life with out a commitment. You’d advise your sister or gfs the same.
Post # 6
I think you are doing the right thing. If you don’t stick by something you already said, it will be easy to continue putting off the proposal because life is ALWAYS throwing us curveballs. Even if the opportunity presents itself, I don’t think you should move with him without a proposal. Two years of playing house is more than plenty. When you talk about the move, try not to talk about the actual distance or moving itself, and just the opportunity he will have there. Say you’re proud and excited for him to pursue such a great experience. The end. Don’t hedge it by saying “… even though we’ll be so far apart” afterwards or anything like that! Keep it simple.
Good luck. This sounds sucky 🙁
Post # 7
@peachykeener: We are in the same boat. My SO will be applying for an LLM program abroad shortly and I have no doubt he will be accepted, brilliant as he is. We’ve been together for almost 3 years and we’ve been having more or less heated discussions about him going away to study for the past two years. I can’t move with him because it would be financially impossible + I would be throwing away a fantastic career opportunity if I joined him. I really, really don’t want him to go but I sat myself down a while ago and told myself to stop fighting it. He really wants this and I want him to be happy. Besides, I know I would never hear the end of it if he didn’t go because of me! lol
I know for a fact that the way we’ve been constantly fighting about him going abroad actually delayed our engagement 🙁 Ever since I stopped fighting it though, he’s been talking about becoming engaged before he left more and more and he even chose a less prestigious school closer to home so we could go back and forth more often.
I don’t know if that’s the case with you but if you’ve been fighting about the course of your relationship because of his moving away, what MrsBuesleBee said sounds about right to me. I took the “fake it ’till you make it” approach and so far it seems to be working out.
In my experience, men HATE to be pressured into things. So make sure he knows what you want and then let it rest. He might surprise you yet!
Fingers crossed for both of us, right? 🙂
Post # 8
It may be that he has other things on his mind, new town, Masters program, so the proposal may not be immediate. It may just take a while for things to sink in.
Can you visit him in those 8 months he can’t visit you?
I would write a really nice letter, sum up your time together and your hopes for the future. Then he has something he can keep with him while he is away and you will have expressed your feelings in the nicest possible way, which will make it easier for him.
You can’t really force a proposal out of someone and I know a lot of guys like to ‘wrap up’ one segment of their life first (a classic: waiting for their promotion before they propose) so if he has it in his head that he planned to ask you after he has obtained his Masters there is not so much you can do about it. Also, I can imagine he doesn’t want the 8 months where you can’t see eachother to revolve around ‘wedding planning’, which can actually get quite intense and perhaps not something he wants during a Masters.
So just because he doesn’t propose doesn’t mean he can’t be loyal and wait and it also doesn’t mean he wasn’t thinking about proposing in the future, it may just be that he has a lifeplan for this section of his life, which he wants to reach before he goes down that route. That is all you have to bear in mind.
Just write a letter and maybe he will open up about his thoughts more..
Post # 9
@babycuddlebee: Nope, neither of us can visit the other. Its 15 hours away unfortunately.
Thanks for all of the advice everyone, I haven’t been stamping my feet or anything, but when he applied a few months ago I told him that this would be a big strain on our relationship because distance is not something I ever signed up for or pretended I’d be good at.