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This is a tricky one! My husband has a large extended family, so we drew the line at first cousins, which kept the list manageable for our very small wedding. Unless you're limiting the list to immediate family only, it's hard to invite some and not others. What does your FI think?
If you end up with your small wedding, would your FMIL be interested in throwing a more informal reception for the extended family? We did this for our larger circle of friends and it worked really well. We were able to reuse many decorations and put together a slide show of ceremony pictures.
I second missm - your FMIL is quite welcome to have a second reception, or a nice open house, and invite all her family that she would like to see. Unless you are asking her to pay for your wedding and reception, she doesn't get to decide the details.
Now, what you can't do is invite your uncles and aunts, just because there are only a few of them, and not invited your FI's. That would not be fair. But if you want to limit the guest list to immediate family (mom and dad, grandparents, siblings and spouses) and very close friends only, that is your choice.
We had the same issue but in reverse - his family is very small, mine very large (mom has 7 brothers and 2 sisters...). Our original plan was immediate family and close friends only. My mom was quite sad about that, and after talking with my dad she approached us and let us know that she would really love to be able to invite at least the aunts and uncles, and possibly first cousins, and that she and dad would of course be happy to pay for the entire reception either way. After some discussion, we gave in - mostly because she was so nice about it, and clearly respected our wishes - and partly because the offer of the money was not just a way to convince us to let her have her way - and also because my parents can afford it (without a loan). I'm sure that we would not have changed our minds if they either couldn't really afford it (which it sounds like your FMIL can't) or if they were just trying to get their own way (which it sounds like your FMIL is).
I would encourage you and your FI to decide, together, what you really want. Then let your FMIL know what you will be doing. And be sure to tell her that you're sorry to disappoint her, but that your minds are made up. And other than suggesting that perhaps she have a nice open house at a later date and invite her family (which shouldn't require her to take out a loan) don't discuss it any further with her.
I agree with suzanno and missm. this is YOUR wedding -- you s hould invite who YOU want, not what OTHERS want. Especially if your fiance's extended family doesn't even treat you well (after 8 years!).
The food is important to you -- you don't want o downgrade to hor d'eurvres unless you don't want to have a real reception or one that makes you and your guests happy. don't do it unless you plan on having the reception in the early afternoon and plan to end the thing by 6 so people can go home and eat a real meal.
sorry to sound so annoyed, but I just think that this is YOUR day and that your family should be supportive no matter what. I wasn't invited to a couple relatives' weddings, but I understood -- because this day and age, weddings dont cost what they used to.
for me, we're keeping ours smaller and we're sticking to it. Been with my fiance for 7 years, and my mom has come to terms that we're not inviting extended family (and i have a huge family). Just close family and friends. 50 - 75 max. If my mom had it her way, i think she'd invite 200-300 people. i think your FMIL will come around and she'll be happy she won't get into debt over it too. And the rest of the family will get over it too. I hope it works out!
This is a question of mother control!
My fiance's mother AND father have like 10 siblings each, but they are not all great, supportive people, according to him (I don't know them all). We did not draw the line according to familial relationships... we drew it according to LOVE. Who was going to support us and love us and who was going to be there just to be there, or be there with bad vibes or bad intentions? So we only invited a few of his aunts and uncles (and all of mine). His mom is upset but we just told her to tell her other siblings that she has no control over the wedding, it is very small and she does not know anything about the guest list. And she is fine with that.
Let your fiance handle it so she is not mad at you... and get that MIL under control!! haha
We're having a small wedding too (max list is 70). My fiance and I are paying for evrything, and frankly I dont care if people are upset with me for not inviting them. You cant EVER please everyone. It's our day, I dont want people that i dont feel comfortable around or close to there to spoil it. They take up spaces of the important people I could invite. I invited my aunts and cousins because we've always been close (all my aunts & mom were single mothers each raising 2 kids so they stuck together) but my entire family totals about 20 people. I asked my fiance who he wanted to invite and he stated "my family is my mom and dad, my sisters, and my niece and nephew. period." He's not inviting family he hasnt talked to in 10 years or 3rd cousins he's never met just because they're "family". The rest on the list are our close friends who have been there for us over the years. I hate when people (especially family) try to bully you into doing what they think is right/standard. Do what you want. It's your wedding.
Our guest list is perfect for us and I cant wait to say "I do" in front of the people that mean the most to us! It's sure to be an emotional day.
Thank you sooo much for your comments everyone!!
This makes me feel a lot more relieved and confident about sticking to what WE want. I have been losing sleep over this whole dilemma becouse my FMIL is bullying us into doing what she wants.
I understand that my fiance's mother's family is all very close and she'd probably be embarassed in front of her siblings if they weren't invited to their own nephew's wedding. But the fact of the matter is that we want to share this day with the people WE LOVE, just as what WeddingKitty said. It shouldn't just be about people taking space, being there just to be there. And thank you to MissCamera for mentioning that these people will most likely spoil our day, as they have spoiled our moods many times in the past.
I have been with this man for 8 years and every time I go to their family gatherings, I just get ignored like a piece of furniture. I even had a little conflict with his uncle because I couldn't attend one of the babies' baptisms and he lashed out on me about it. I do not get along with these people at all, and I would be very uncomfortable to have them there at my special day! The only reason why I was scared to leave them out is because of my FMIL's threats. Well, you guys are all right, this is my day, I'm the one paying for it, and I do not want to spend all this money just to end up feeling miserable when these people do something to spoil it.
We have to talk to my FMIL about this and tell her our final decision. Wish me luck!! (I'm still scared, but I'll stick to my guns.)
I'm in the same boat and had a similarly unhappy FMIL. My finace and I are paying for everything, but my FMIL freaked out when she realized the limits we had to put on the guest list. And she wasn't upset about family members, these were business associates and aquaintances! My fiance suggested that they throw a reception/party for us in their hometown after the wedding where they could invite anyone they wanted. That seemed to make her happy. However, I'm dreading when we actually get to the time when we're sending out invitations and she tries to pull something else.
The bottom line is exactly like you said--you're paying for it and you get to make the final decisions! Stick to your guns!
I am the one in my situation with the big family... my dad is the 4th oldest of 16 kids, and my FH is one of 7, but with such a small extended family. We are only inviting the aunts and uncles from my dad's side (ie my dad's siblings and their spouses)-- NO cousins, NO kids, etc. This is the general understanding within my gargantuan family for all weddings.
I hope everything works out for you!
My family is huge -- more than 20 aunts & uncles plus more than 35 first cousins who, with spouses and kids, really total more than SEVENTY! My fiance's family is smal, and none of his very few aunts or uncles could comel.
Our solution was to invite only aunts and uncles on my side and explain that while we'd like to invite everyone, our venue size (and our budget) simply didn't allow it, as much as we would love to have them. First cousins would be invited after aunts & uncles (and our must-invite friends) had had their chance to RSVP. I then issued a blanket invite to cousins (a little unorthodox, but what are you going to do?) once I heard back from aunts & uncles. As it turns out, none of the cousins can come anyway -- it was a late invite and I live in NEw York, and they all live in the Midwest. It's a bummer none of my cousins can make it, but I thought it was the most fair way to go. No one seemed upset, and we are going back to the midwest for a holiday party or reunion next year.
One solution could be to pick a venue that only seats XX amount of people and explain that's all you can afford -- then even if someone WANTS to add 100 family members to the roster, they can't.
good luck!
Elope. Or, have a "surprise" wedding. Invite your closest friends and immediate family over for an "engagement party", then, when everyone is gathered, whip out the celebrant and start the processional! (my dad actually saw that happen once!)
in more practical terms, who is paying for the wedding? if you two are covering the whole thing yourselves, or if your parents are paying, then your FMIL doesn't really have much say. Your side gets X number of invites, and his side gets Y number of invites. FMIL can dole out her portion of invites as she sees fit. It's the only fair way to do it.
It's your special day. You and your fiance need to do what will make YOU happy and comfortable on such a day. You will be starting your life together, and from that moment on, all decisions are yours and yours alone, as a family. Who makes you feel like family? Who do you consider your family? Your favorite people in the whole world?
I am truly sorry that you are having to deal with such stress. Weddings are stressful enough as they are, without others adding to that stress. Even if parents/relatives do extend financial assistance, does that give them the right to assume control of your day? Or is it a gift? This topic was too confusing to my FI and I that we just assumed all costs, to avoid confusion... and it still upset certain people.
I agree: you are not going to please everyone all of the time... on your wedding day, you should only worry about pleasing each other.
Sorry about the long comment, but I am feeling your pain here! Not with my FMIL, but with my own MOTHER... ugh.
Wow, pinkstar, at least you are having this conflict with your own mother who loves you and will probably understand if you have a sit down heart-to-heart with her about your vision for the wedding.
My mother had sided with my FMIL on the guest list situation and so I had to take my mother aside and tell her I had a vision for having a small, private and solemn wedding, as opposed to a grandoise affair.
My mother wasn't content, but she respected our decision. My FMIL on the other hand, is being such a bully. And the worst part of it all is, that the entire group of relatives of my FH's maternal side lives in the same city as us, so we see them very frequently!! I envy those of you who live far away from extended families who are not nice to you. I, unfortunately, have to live close to them, so I see them all the time. It is so awkward though, because after seeing them three times a month for the past eight years, they still treat me like a stranger or a piece of crappy furniture. Sorry to repeat myself, but these are people who I don't reallly want in my wedding day, especially if I have to pay for the entire thing.
We haven't had the talk with my FMIL yet. She is avoiding us. She sent us an email that she will order our invitations and pay for it herself. Sneaky! She is probably offering this so she can start sending them out herself. So I emailed her back and said I've already made arrangements with another print company. She didn't reply. I think this is going to get much worse towards our wedding day, but as I said, I need to stick to my guns. I cannot go above my budget for a bunch of people whom I don't like. I also don't want to compromise my vision of how my wedding day should be.
Thanks for your advice, erinNYC, I have found the perfect venue to host a very small group of 60 people. We'll see what my FMIL will say to this. Thanks ladies! Good luck on all your planning!
I dealt with a very similar event for my wedding - we were paying for this out of our own pockets (also because we wanted the final say in OUR wedding) but for the parents - this was their first wedding and both families have large families and "family friends" that they felt htat they had to save face to invite. Our original guest list was 75 people.
After a LOT of arguing and even included flying my parents from California to Chicago to try and discuss things. Our final compromise...
Our venue could only hold 200 people so we ended up with two receptions.
His parents gave us extra money as a gift so they could invite 100 more people to our daytime lunch reception. My parents insisted on hosting a completely separate evening dinner reception with another 100 people (completely different than the daytime one) that they paid for. So, in total - we had 300 people at our wedding where honestly, there was maybe about 50 people that we really cared to have there.
You have to remember that the day is about your and your future husband. My fiance and I made a rule about our wedding guests (since we are also having a small wedding)...in order to be invited to our wedding they had to have 1) contacted one of us on or around our birthday the year before to wish up a happy day (this showed they really cared about us and not just being invited to a "party" 2) be someone that we knew very well and were elated that they could celebrate with us.
Since we are paying for it ourselves, these "rules" allowed us to leave out friends of parents who were coming just to "be at the party!" If your FMIL would like to host a separate wedding reception, she can invite whoever she wants but you must remember this is your day and you should be able to devote more than 30 seconds with your guests. If this means you leave out people who you do not necessarily feel comfortable sharing your day with, so be it. This is the only day in your life where the two of you can make any decision you want.
I too wanted a destination one, 2nd choice, small one, third choice none (spending so much money on 1 day, 6 hours...is so not worth it to me) but my fiance wanted a wedding, he wanted one cuz he knows his parents want one, argh, so i gave in, i didn't care, it's his wedding too, ok, i want a small one, 75 ppl max, but guess what that's like his family count, i gave up, i didn't care, booked a place I personally loved for 150 max, came home 2 days later, his mom wants to add another 20 of distant relatives (his father's father's brother's family) that they just HAVE TO HAVE TO (as i've been told), and boy was I pissed because it meant I have to change the rooms around and won't get exactly what I want. Fiance's says he won't invite his friends so his parents can invite those relatives...so i asked are u gonna be happy that ur friends are not gonna come? he's says well if it makes my parents happy, and btw...his parents are NOT paying a dime for this, we are paying it ourselves with MY parents helping out...long story short, I made the decision that if his parents wants to and just have to have to invite those extra distant (who we don't even know who they are) to the wedding, they have to tell me whether they are coming or now 6 months ahead of time, and their answer is final, and they have to commit or Im going to raise hell, and by offering them their invitations, I'm not going to do anything else they want me to do (ie. tea ceremony...they want to do, i don't, so that's that)
My advice to you...which I should of done too, is stand your ground!!! I gave up a bit too easily cuz I just didn't want to deal with any of it, personally I wasn't so into the whole event to begin with. For me it was easier to not to care than stress about it. But I realize for some people, it is important, if YOU want something specific then stand firm on that, noone can tell you want to do, you just don't cater to anyone.
What do you guys think of inviting some of my FH's relatives but not all? Do you think that would look bad on the etiquette scale??
The thing is, most of my FH's relatives from his mother's side don't even talk to me. They don't know my birthday, they don't even say Merry Christmas to me when I visit their gatherings for Christmas. There is only a small few who are genuinely nice, and I plan to invite those few.
I am scared though, that this would create some kind of boycotting from the family members who are invited. They tend to stick together, so I'm not sure what kind of reaction they will have to our decision of excluding some of them.
Any opinions? Thanks ladies!!
There are some wonderful ideas here. We were in a similar situation and I am the one with the big family so we made rules.
1) We have to know everyone. Translation: if we would run into the person the street would we stop and chat and would it be one of the highlights of our day? This eliminated several relatives that we see only in passing once or twice a year. There were only about 8 guests that both of us did not know personally that made the invitation list
2) No add-on guests. Every significant other had to fall into one of the following relationship categories to be invited: Married, engaged, or living together.
3) No co-workers. Wedding are for family and friends. One exception was made for a situation where I work with a friend of my groom. As long as you apply this across the board to your magic category (i.e. cousins, second cousins, and children -whatever) it seems to work. We also applied this to children and only invited one-the grooms only nephew and god child.
Two other things that we did that inadvertently controlled our numbers were to get married out of town. It does not need to be far-just far enough that everyone has to be in a hotel. We provided a budget recommendation but the cost and travel were a real deterrent for some people. We also got married Friday night at 6 PM. People had to make a commitment to be at our wedding and not just attend because they had an open weekend.
Many many questions were asked and we simply stated that our goal was to have a very intimate ceremony and that we did not want anyone to feel obligated to send a gift. We had to say no to parents several times and it worked because we paid for every penny of the wedding. We received the same pressure to invite with a promise of payment and we declined every time.
It was a resounding success. Our plan was for 50 guests, because of family influences we invited approximately 120 and when the big day arrived we were delighted to celebrate with 55.
You can invite the ones you want to, it's their choice whether or not to attend your wedding. For those who you don't invite, since they are already not talking to you, what more harm can it be for not inviting them? they won't talk to you ever? I say that would be a good thing. I'm not sure how your personality is, these are just my point of views. Regardless though, on your wedding day, you want to feel relaxed and happy, and surrounded by the people YOU love and care, and vice versa.
I disagree with this whole its all about YOU stuff. I personally believe that weddings are about bringing two families, two worlds together. If it was really just about YOU, why not just elope? Why worry about the food your guests eat? If you selectively invite a few relatives from a big group that you routinely see, you are going to start your married life with that hanging over your head. The only way I see to not invite the extended family is to invite none of them - otherwise the "we are having a small wedding" doesn't fly and it becomes painfully obvious that you are playing favorites. Now maybe there is a good reason, but do you really want to stoop to their level by only sending invites to those you like? I think it would be different there was a big family and a bunch of people you didn't even know - then you could invite the ones you guys spent time with. But in this situation, I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of future heartache.
The best advice I recieved in this process is as follows: This is your day, you do what you want, no excuses, no explanations.
You will be pulled in soo many directions, by soo many people opinions. The only opinions that really matters is yours and you FI.
Janna19 - I completely understand and see where you're coming from. Most especially because my FH's family is very close-knit. They are all going to whine about the fact that I'm playing favorites, and I reallly hate to do it but I don't know how else I can stick to my budget and my vision for having a small wedding of 50-70 guests.
The most disconcerting thing is that I routinely see these people. They are very close with each other, they have family gatherings almost every week (baptism, graduation, birthday, housewarming, etc.) There is always an excuse for them to get together. So it's not like they're distant relatives that my FH and I hardly see.
After eight years of attending these functions and getting the cold shoulder each time, I have minimized my attendance. I honestlly am not close to the majority, but there are a few whom I like and respect. It is a most difficult task to decide about the invitation process: invite all, invite none, invite some.
I see your point about the future heartache that I may realistically have to face, especially since these people have very little class and tend to hold grudges (even amongst themselves.)
I just know a few things for certain, I do not want a grand affair, I do not want to downgrade my reception the way my FMIL suggests, and I do not want my family to be outnumbered by my FH's family especially since they don't like me and vice versa.
So... I really don't know at this point what we'll do with his family. I have found a venue that only accomodates 80 people max. We told my FMIL about it and asked her to come along with us to check it out. She has been stalling and avoiding us. I think she's planning her own little scheme to get her way.
I guess I have to just keep searching for ideas to deal with this family situation. Back to square one :(
Well I'd like to vent my woes here. First I wanted a destination wedding, but no, because some of his family members could not afford it. Then I wanted a small wedding, my general preference overall, but FH has a pretty big family, with four pairs of cousins (luckily no kids) local and another three pairs that are coming from out of the country. His family is nice, so I don't mind. But then, he thought he was gonna invite 25 (!) ppl from his work - meaning coworkers with their spouses. I nearly blew a fuse so now it's the coworkers sans their spouses. On top of that his family has this weird thing that you have to invite certain people because you're expected to. He buys into it too! I hate to say it but he's almost worse than a bridzeilla. The wedding has grown to 150 ppl. I can produce enough people to have about 50 there. His parents are contributing enough to cover about 40 people, so it's not tragic....but the basic premise of inviting only the people you really want is lost on him. He believes that inviting due to formality and to keeping peace is a better solution in the end....mostly because all of his cousins' weddings were similar..so peer pressure is on.
He's a good guy, but he's into pleasing everybody, which I find is quite impossible.
It's comforting to know that there are others with this similar problem. I thought I was on my own.
I agree with having a "family party" and you could even incenuate or make it seem more exclusive than the other party with only the family included. You could even have your minister do a vow renewal at the party and have everybody in the family bring with them a written story about the most cherished memory from THEIR wedding.
I knew a girl who did this also because of budget. It was simply a matter of reframing the event and making them feel very special too.
Maybe because I've lived through having one huge wedding where everybody and even my second cousins were invited and realizing I didn't have to do that at all. If they don't wish you Merry Christmas when you see them in person during the holidays or speak to you, why invite them to your special day?
I say a family party complete with cocktails, appetizers, and a vow renewal is perfect for them. And why not have a destination wedding? You could even do a honeymoon recap with a slideshow and music! Again, wish you the best Anniebear, and remember sometimes its all about reframing the situation at hand to diffuse family time bomb issues.
I too am having an intimate yet elegant celebration, and not inviting everybody this time. I learned my lession.
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My fiance and I have a very small budget and we have agreed to have a small wedding consisting of only 50-70 people.
We were going to focus mostly on the food, because we know that the food is what most guests remember.
We told my future MIL about our plans and she got angry. She said that everyone in the family has to be invited. The problem is that she has ten brothers and sisters in total, and each of them has three or four kids who are in their twenties and thirties. My fiance has 38 cousins in total and 20 aunts and uncles alone, and this is just immedate extended family. This does not include his mom's cousins, whom they also want to invite. This also does not include my fiance's father's side.
My FMIL said that she will cover the cost of the extra people by taking out a loan. Obviously my fiance objected to this. She then suggested that we downgrade our reception and just serve hor d'eauvres so that everyone can be included.
My problem is that I have been with my fiance for eight years and I have attended numerous family parties with his relatives from his maternal side. However, I haven't really had a chance to get close to any of them since they usually ignored me. His uncle even said some derogatory things about me and does not even say hi to me at parties. I am therefore uninclined to include some of these people in my special day, but at the same time i dont' want to upset my FMIL. We told her we intended to invite some, the ones we have good relationships with, but she continues to insist on having all of them.
Also, a destination wedding is out of the question. Help!!!