Post # 1
Okay, so I am not even engaged yet, but this issue has ALREADY presented itself and I am a little concerned for next year when I will be actually planning!!
I have always wanted a smaller wedding, with around 50-75 guests. Unfortunately, my family is enormous and there are many distant relatives that I never see and am not close to at all. Well, I was talking to an unnamed relative recently, and she was quick to tell me that there is NO way I will be able to have any less than 200 people on my guest list. She also let me know that I had to have a wedding in my hometown, so that everyone can come.
I have been considering the option of a destination wedding, so that I can have my small dream guest list. I ONLY want close family and friends there, and even that is going to be difficult to do with less than 100 invites. Is it selfish of me to want a small wedding? It’s not that I want to blow my budget on other things, I am just introverted, hate crowds, and really only want the people there that I know actually care about my SO and I. Help!!
Post # 3
No! It is SMART!
Our families are massive. We sent out invitations to 200+. We are having 85 at our destination wedding. I am SO HAPPY we decided to go this route.
Post # 4
As someone planning a 200+ person wedding, I’m starting to think that THIS is the crazy option. Like you I really hate crowds and since we’ve gotten engaged I’ve been worried about having to be the center of attention, all those people watching our vows.
ETA…also, I have a huge family as does FI (lots of extended family, cousins and such). We get a lot of weddings. We’re not very close to some of these people and honestly I’d rather not go to some of them. Save me the expese of a gift, save them the cost of an extra guest. But since we live close by our parents/other family expect us to attend and we would be called out as being rude if we didn’t attend. Recently one of them planned a small destination wedding and we weren’t invited. It was kind of nice.
Post # 5
@blushblossom91: I am exactly like you. I expected maybe 30 guests ? But FI’s family is bigger than mine ; including his uncles and aunts only brings us to close to 60 guests, twice what I had imagined. I am a shy person, and so is FI. We don’t like to have the spotlight on us. To me, it feels almost inappropriate to tell my vows publicly, I feel it should be intimate and between us, that’s the part that stresses me the most about the wedding ! Other than that, I am looking forward to have my family around for dinner and game night, as I find it very sad that we only get to see each other only once or twice a year. A since getting married means 2 families become 1, it is important for us to have our loved ones around.
The thing I feel bad about is friends. Many of them I’ve lost touched with over the years. Same for FI. We do not have many friends, but we can’t really afford to invite them (except my BFF because she’s not my friend, she’s my ”sister”, I’ve known her since we were 3 years old, we grew up together, I am godmother to her son, etc.). I do not want to offend anyone by doing this, I must admit it stresses me and I hope the other few friends I have will understand this.
Post # 6
It’s not selfish of you at all. If this is the kind of wedding you want, go ahead and have it. Don’t let anyone pressure you into something bigger. Stick to your guns. If some people in your family don’t like it, it’s ok, because it’s your wedding and not their’s.
Post # 7
I had a small wedding (38 guests) and I am so happy I did. We saved so much money and could focus on little details that we wouldn’t have been able to afford had we done a larger wedding. It was intimate and only our closest friends and relatives were there. Because we did such a small wedding we were able to have a huge honeymoon 🙂
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Not selfish at all. That said, 50-75 guests is often not small enough. I know that sounds crazy, but if you really want to be able to say “we’re having a small wedding” as a reason to not invite your big family, you are likely going to need to go even smaller (like immediate family [parents, grandparents, siblings, neices/nephews only] and your bestest best friends). If you invite 3 or 4 cousins, but not the other 12, you’re going to end up with family drama that just is not worth the headache.
Or make it a destination wedding with a huge guest list, but only send out save the dates to that core list of immediate family and best friends. It’s a passive-agressive move, but if you want to make sure that most people will not attend even though you are compelled to invite them, then ot’s a good strategy. Not many people will be able to attend a DW that is a significant distance away on 8 weeks notice. If you use this move, you absolutely cannot mention anything wedding related on any social media and will need to learn how to dodge questions at large family events before the wedding.
Post # 9
It’s your wedding. You don’t owe anyone an invitation or even a wedding if you don’t want one. Get ready for the rude comments though because everyone will have an opinion.
Post # 10
Not selfish at all. I really like the idea of a destination wedding in your case – it will be smaller, more intimate, and in an awesome/exotic location. Total win-win scenario.
Post # 11
I had originally wanted that, but wanted to get married near where I grew up. It was impossible to cut anyone, so I’m now planning a 200 person wedding. I’m sure it will be fun, but it is stressful AND expensive. If you really want to stick to your guest list I would go with a destination wedding.
Post # 12
@blushblossom91: It’s not selfish at all, I really wanted a smaller wedding and FI didn’t care either way. When we originally put together our guest list we had over 150 people on it. We decided we weren’t going to have children at the reception (since most of my cousins have kids) which cut about 30 people. We than decided to just invite the individuals we were close too. When other people asked about our wedding I simply said “we’re keeping it very small, just an intimate wedding with immediate family and close friends.” I had some people say “well we’re getting an invite aren’t we?” I would just politely tell them that we really don’t want a large wedding and therefore we’re limiting our guest list. Throughout the wedding planning I’ve learned you’re never going to make everyone happy e.g. FIs side of the family loves low centrepieces and have made comments several times about how we should only have low ones while my family/friends love tall centre pieces.
You’re wedding day is for you and your FI to celebrate the love you share, make it what you want it to be and don’t let others opinions sway you one way or the other. My best friend got married over a year ago, they wanted under 200 guests and ended up with 370 thanks to both sets of parents. Her wedding ended up being the exact opposite of what she wanted and she told me for four months after the wedding she cried and wished they would have just done things the way they wanted too.
Post # 13
@blushblossom91: ok I think its really rude of the unnamed relative to imply that you can’t have a wedding less that 200 people.
the way i see it, its your wedding, you invite who you want. if you want a small intimate wedding with just immediate family and suer close friends, thats fine, if you want a 300 person wedding, thats fine too. But I say go with what you want and not what everyone else wants. They have to understand that big weddings like that aren’t everyone’s thing and for some people (not saying you) its not in their budget. I mean lets face it, the more people you have, the more money your are spending!
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta
We are having a semi-destination wedding where we live so all our family will be travelling. There is NO way anyone could make me do it in my hometown. We are having 80ish people and not inviting distant relatives. You could do a large reception afterwards in your hometown, that is fairly common for destination weddings but I wouldn’t bother if you would only be inviting people you didn’t actually want to celebrate with.
Post # 15
Thanks everyone! I just really care too much about what people think…I have had a few cousins and family friends get married recently, and seeing the way my distant family talks behind their backs about their wedding choices makes me very nervous for the future. I guess it is part of it though. People are going to judge no matter what, and it is impossible to make everyone happy. Clearly I just have to focus on what my SO and I wil be happy with in the end.
Post # 16
We are having a small wedding with 50 people. I know for a fact some people are offended.
We are having immediate family, all of my fiance’s family that lives in-town, aunts and uncles on both sides and 3 friends each. Our venue has a strict 50 person max (it is at a restaurant). When word was spreading of our wedding, my fiance’s mother didn’t tell her siblings that it was going to be small and that cousins aren’t invited, and everyone was planning on coming. We just didn’t have room to fit 10+ extra people. My fiance’s side is going to have about 35 of the 50, and the rest of the 15 is mine. It is a little disappointing, especially since his family isn’t paying for any of it, but I’m much happier with this decision than a big blow-out.