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I want to talk about the taboo topic on these boards.
It seems to me (and I could be wrong) that the general relationship status for the people on this board is happiness, flowers, and sunshine. While I will say, as a whole, my relationship is great; however, we still have our issues.
Don't get me wrong, my guy is great. He is not abusive, doesn't have any addictions, doesn't hide things from me or do too much that I don't particularly care for (except his lack of desire to clean, but hey, I pick my battles), and we have communication that I would classify as above average. Plus all the other goodies...we enjoy eachothers company, we're best friends, we share the same values, you get the idea...
Lately, and I mean in the past few months, we've been in a "rut." Tension has been a little higher and we've generally been unhappy. He's been SUPER busy, I've been left alone at home, sex is lacking, I've questioned whether or not we really have that much in common, whether our lifestyles fit, etc...
Now...I come on WB for advice most of the time, and usually I get a variety of fairly decent answers. However, whenever I post something even hinting about any kind of unhappiness or relationship trouble, I feel as if people come out guns blazin'. Everyone is so quick to say there may be "deeper issues," that we should get counseling, that if we have problems this early we shouldn't get married, etc... My point is, even the slightest bit of unease or dissatisfaction gets the diagnosis of a doomed relationship.
I will admit that it's a bit frustrating that I can't find a single person on this board that might be going through the same thing. I feel like no one wants to admit it. Almost as if everyone's too scared to come out of their fairytales and say, "Hey, yeah, It kinda sucks right now!"
I want to talk about the lows in a relationship! I want to talk about the times you almost walked out! I want to talk about your "questioning" and frustrations. I want to talk about the ruts, the valleys, the downturns! Seriously people, let's get real for a moment! Someone please tell me that I'm not the only one whose gone through this in their relationship, because I refuse to believe it. If relationships REALLY WERE happiness, flowers, and sunshine all the time, then the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.
So....what have been your frustrations? How long did it last? And more importantly, how did you get through it?
I love this post. So much. Really.
I am furious with my wonderful future husband right now. He's taking his nursing school stresses out on me and it really hurts my feelings. I so badly want him t applogizes for being a jerk, but whenever I try to go talk to him, he basically says, "go away" or "I dont want to deal with that shit right now." It really upsets me cause i feel like my feelings are not that important to address when it's too "inconvient" for him. Also, I might add, that i am very understand and very considerate of his nursing school stresses. i could right books upon books of the patience i've had and the deep respect I have for him and his hard work. But sometimes, it just makes me want to chuck my ring at him and say, "if you can't handle me with your nursing paper, then you don't deserve me at all!"...
Just hurt yea know?
I totally get what you're saying. Things definitely aren't perfect between DH & I all the time but generally there aren't any real issues or problems. I always give the same kind of advice & generally it's self focused in what "you" can do as opposed to out sourcing.... Not bc I don't agree with counseling, I just know that most (and I do mean most) counseling available is not sound & doesn't give any real resolved result. As for DH & my issues... I just don't talk about them in settings like this bc I know the majority isn't of like mindedness & we wouldn't agree about solutions.... So I take into careful consideration about how I disclose our issues & don't get into them too much. I've seen enough in a public setting that usually airing out certain issues just makes them bigger bc of whats being chimed in... Ie having a crappy evening or getting into a tiff & the majority now calling your SO names like jerk, a**, etc.... Just not my cup o tea in dealing with or resolving things. Sorry you and your so are in a rut.... Like I said DH & I aren't always peachy, but we do both really set out to that NOT being the tone of the relationship... We read alot of books & listen to lots os teachings and studies. Sorry things aren't peachy... Hope the get better soon ;)
You are NOT alone. Relationships are work...anyone who acts like they aren't are just fooling themselves. It is normal to argue, it is just about how you get through those arguments. My FI just started working a new job, 10pm-6am, pretty much 7 days a week. I stay at home with our 5 month old. So, we are no longer sleeping at the same time, and he sleeps the whole day. Sex has been down, partly due to the baby and partly due to the night shift. Everytime I ask him about the wedding, or going to get fitted for a tux, he just shrugs it off. I know he's exhausted, but it really makes me feel like it doesn't matter to him. And, as of lately I just feel like we are both so on edge with each other. So, there are definitely arguments. I have thrown my hands up and said I didn't want to do it anymore. Then we work it out. We always work it out. There are moments where I feel like I can't stand him, but there are so many more where he makes my heart skip a beat. Sorry, not meaning to be nauseating haha. No relationship is perfect, there are ups and downs, and that's how you get stronger.
@Lilubird: Yup, I know...
BF is in a straight-shot masters program (no summer, winter or spring breaks) and he has literally has no time for us-- at least not quality time.
When we first started dating, we took trips all the time--we DID STUFF. Now, because of his program and because of monet, we don't go anywhere and we won't be able to for a while. It just sucks to feel like our lives are on hold for what HE wants to do. Granted, I'm trying my hardest to be patient because I really AM proud of him and admire him for his want to better his life (our life) by getting an education, it's still hard when I'm constantly going out by myself.
Our lives have gotten so "business like" where I stay home and clean, do laundry, and have dinner ready for him when he gets home just so we can have a little time together. If I didn't do those things, he wouldn't do them. He's said he'd clean out the garage for 6 months now and I'm sick of waiting for him to do it--but if I even mention anything, he gets all defensive and says things like, "you don't understand how busy I am, it's not exactly on the top of the list of things I'd like to do."
Wonderful post! I love it!
I'm going to take it one step further and say that sometimes, i get annoyed with my fiance for no reason at all! There are just times when maybe we've spent a few days just seeing each other, or we're recovering from a fight or whatever, where i'm just like...can you go away for a bit?
I think all of what you and the PPs have talked about is totally normal. Couples where everything is hunky dory non stop always give me the heebie jeebies
I found these two great threads about "work" in a relationship:
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/divorce-and-marriage
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-hard-should-a-relationship-be
I can tell you that we have been throught the gamet of ruts. We have had the too much stress rut, the I just want some alone time rut, the you have worked to much rut, the passive agressive rut and the you just pissed me off and I am about to punch you in the neck rut. I have been exactly where you are several times and I know how hard it is. DH says that I am a pitbull when it comes to our relationship, I refuse to let it go. I sometimes know that I am not the issue, but usually I am usually the one to get things back on the right track.
The one thing that has worked the best for us is scheduling a night. I make his favorite food, we both kick back with a glass of wine, no tv on, light a fire (wether in the fireplace or on the patio) and we just talk. Next it is time for a nice bath together. The fire and the bath time are usually the time that we talk about what eachother is missing, usually it is small things, but for they mean more to the other person than we think. EX. On one occasion, he was missing the fact that I lay on the couch with my feet on him. We had changed the position of our couch and that way wasn't comfortable for me anymore. That little thing, to him, meant there was something wrong. The next day we moved our couch back and we were back - well of course, after some new panties go shown off and the like ;)
Ruts in a relationship are normal ebbs and waves. IMO, the best thing is communication without defensiveness or accusitory tones. Be willing to talk about the ebbs and waves, and TOGETHER coming up with solutions.
I have written a post or two about the ruts and hard times that the DH and I have been through on our journey. Don't worry, your strength together is more than you divided and you two together are truely a force to be reckoned with and are more powerful than any issue that might seek to divide you.
@RenoRose: I was sure when I was telling Mr. D and I's story to point out the bad times as well as the good. Every relationship has them. It's getting through them that make them stronger, and it's good to talk about them! If I listened to every person who told me to break up with Mr. D when things were really that bad (like after a little fight), we would have been done after the first month. But we made it through those small fights, and a hell of a lot bigger things. I think it's more unhealthy to make your relationship seem perfect than admitting to the faults.
@doily: Totally wholeheartily agree with this statement, "I think it's more unhealthy to make your relationship seem perfect than admitting to the faults."
LOL! Rainbows, butterflies and puppies! I get that too, especially when someone has a problem and makes up a different name just to post it so they don't get told to "dump him!"
We have problems and good times as well. Right now, it's him being laid off and working temp. He's not angry with me, but it's hard when a man wants to be the main provider for his family and he can't do it at that point in time, even wih a degree. We try out best to be up beat, I always get him to do stuff around the house because it makes him feel better. :) He's still sad and we do argue over little things because of it, but we're trying. We're not engaged yet, but we're in it til the end. These hard few months have shown me that. Any other man, I wouldn't have tried, but him I do because I love him. No one else has to be with him, but me.
Oh, and since I've been pregnant, I hated him the whole 2nd trimester.LOL No reason at all, jsut the sight of him or him trying to get some irritated me.LOL
Great thread! To be honest, anytime I hear people say "Oh my boyfriend/partner/husband and I have a perfect relationship, we never fight about anything", I automatically dismiss them because I think it has to be such a fake relationship (I know, not fair on my part).
FI and I love each other and I think we do have a great relationship, but hell yes we get into arguments and get mad at each other. I was even annoyed at him this morning because I couldn't sleep and woke up early, and he just kept on sleeping like a peaceful newborn baby!!!
I agree with you. I think people are far to quick to tell people to get counseling and tell them how they have issues and even dump an FI. That's part of the reason I never post about our relationship, casue I know what people would say and usually I think it's not called for especially since most people just want to vent and arn't looking for therapy.
Everyone has rough patches, most are completly normal, others are not, but people are far too quick to judge.
FI and I totally aren't perfect. He has some money management issues and I'm far too easily annoyed by stuff. I rarely postt about it here, though, for quite a few reasons. No offense, because I love the Hive, but if I need advice on something serious, I typically turn to my mom or my best friend.
I also try to imagine my FMIL reading all my posts. If she were to stumble onto my username, I wouldn't want her reading about our issues.
My FMIL gave me some funny advice,she said "You dont know what marriage is until youve found yourself looking at the rat poison for 45 minutes" She basically said that at some point,you will plot to murder your FI/SO but as long as you can accept that there will be times when things arent that great and you can work through them together then your relationship will only ever grow stronger,
Its the rat poison advice that makes me giggle,because I have been there (not quite murdering FI) but at the point where the whole relationship just seems so....frustrating lol
I whole-heartedly admit our relationship is far from perfect at times. After 6 years, we still have some of the same fights, and that is crazy frustrating. But, once we get beyond the initial argument, we can talk to each other. We have instituted a "talk like you love me" rule. We do allow the initial argument because we found that trying to stop it just makes it worse, and plus, you have high and low emotions and you must express those. Internalizing everything is just plain bad. Anyway, we then quickly transition to holding hands in pretty close proximity, and talking (arguing) like we love each other-- because we do. We had a problem with "hitting below the belt" because we were so confident the other's not going anywhere. We obviously know how to hurt each other the most, and we did it. We realized that wasn't okay, it didn't make us happy to fight like that. So, that's how we got (and get) through it. Allow a brief fight. Forget about it, and act like you love each other-- because you do.
No relationship is without its lows, but no one wants to talk about those. I'm sure if I told you one or two of our really lows, someone would say "You need counseling." Frankly, wouldn't we all benefit from an objective ear now and again?
@kimbo89: Haha, that advice about the rat poisoning is amazing and so true! When FI and I were doing our premarital counseling, our pastor told us, "One day, you'll wake up and think, 'Why the heck did I marry this person and do I really have to spend the rest of my life with him/her?'" And he's so right! Marriage is filled with ups and downs--it doesn't mean you cut and run. It's just normal.
FI and I have definitely had our fair share of difficult times. We're long distance for the last three months of our engagement, which has been killer! There's a big time difference, so he's usually a little cranky/tired when we talk, and sometimes, we're both just so snappy and edgy with one another. We've had to learn that it's OK not to talk, and that that's not necessarily a bad thing. As my friend said, "It's better to take a night off from talking to your SO and recuperate than have a bad conversation." So true!
YES. I love this post.
We've been going through a rough patch in the past month or so. He's joining the Marines, I'm stressed out, and I take my frustrations about the whole thing out on him. He feels like I'm mad at him for joining, and I'm not- I just have control issues, and it's hard knowing that pretty soon I'm going to have NO control over really important things- where I live, when I get married, what sorts of jobs are available to me... it's really overwhelming. I try not to say anything negative, but I pretty much fail at that. And then he feels like he's ruining my life. Which he's not. But it's HARD.
We try to deal with things by talking them out, but last night he specifically requested that I try really hard not to say anything about the possibility of losing him, because his best friend ships out to Afganistan next week, and he's worried enough about that. So... I texted a friend and ranted for a good two hours, and he was really understanding and supportive, and basically told me that OF COURSE I'm stressed out, and I'm allowed to be, but we're the strongest couple he knows and it'll get a little better once the newness and scariness of the whole thing wears off.
So I think that, for now, our primary issue is that I usually discuss all my problems with Mr. Fish, and he discusses his with me. But now my problem is his job, and his problem is being scared for his friend, and talking to me about that will only increase my problem with his job.
We need to talk to other people about these issues until we're more emotionally prepared to talk to each other about them, I think.
I agree that no relationship is perfect. But I just want to mention that when people give advice to think about counseling, it doesn't mean they think your relationship is hopeless, or doomed, or fatally flawed.
I went to marriage counseling with my husband for about six months. It wasn't about stuff so serious that we were thinking about divorcing - breaking up was absolutely not on the table. It was really just that we were fighting about stuff that seemed stupid to fight about, and couldn't figure out how to break the habit that we were in. Our counselor just worked with us on strategies to communicate better so that we can work our issues out (because yes, everyone has some kind of issues) with less fighting. It made a huge difference in our quality of life.
So at least for me, when I recommend counseling, it's really because I think it can be helpful in getting people through whatever rut or bumps they are in right now. It's not some kind of condemnation of your relationship!
I think part of the problem is that we only hear about a tiny piece of the whole relationship. I mean, you never truly know what's going on in someone else's marriage, but at least if it's your good friend you have a history with her, you know how she typically talks about her partner, you've seen how he treats her...you have a basis for saying, "eh, they're having a rough patch, but their relationship is solid" vs. "I'm worried about you and think you deserve better."
For me, there are some things that will always make me think there are serious red flags. Any kind of physical violence or control (even if "he didn't mean to"); extreme jealousy, etc. But anyone posting about their relationship problems should understand that they're talking to strangers on the internet, who have no basis for knowing whether the issue they're complaining about is indicative of a bigger, breakup-worthy pattern or not. So they respond accordingly.
I would never pretend my relationship with my husband has always been easy and perfect. He struggled with debilitating, crushing depression for years, which put a huge strain on me, delayed my completion of my PhD, and led to a year+ of unemployment for him. We've come through that and are more solid than ever, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that if I'd posted during that period, a lot of people would have told me to leave, and understandably so.
@historienne: So at least for me, when I recommend counseling, it's really because I think it can be helpful in getting people through whatever rut or bumps they are in right now. It's not some kind of condemnation of your relationship!
Word.
@RenoRose: I wish the chat threads didn't get deleted! I talked in a couple of them about how neither of us was adjusting to marriage very well and we were both crying every day.
I really never see anything that is 'taboo' on these boards, and this topic I wouldn't even consider to remotely be so. No one has a perfect relationship, but really, who wants to hear about every little thing when everyone has their own issues to deal with? The most important ones are best discussed with someone close to you who won't be as judgmental or emotional about it, and who might just be the sounding board you need at the time. If you feel you can't discuss anything so personal without those close to you telling you to run, its nice to have a place where you can vent and get it all out.
Marriage is hard and it (usually) lasts for a LONG time, so it would be naive to think that those puppies and sunshine feelings are around forever. I think that's why so many people may suggest waiting until you're a bit older to partake in the 30-50 year journey!
There ARE some people who have nothing nice to say about their SO's, and in those cases, I agree that it may be time to move on. Counceling can't fix everything.
This is my #1 complaint about weddingbee. Everyone is so quick to judge that your relationship is so terrible and that counseling is always the answer. It sickens me. I most definitely have days where I feel like were not doing this right but I know that we both care and want to be in it so I don't over stress about the little tiffs.
I'm so sick of listening to Bee's come down on others for things I consider minor or an extended issue that the both of you are working on. It's almost like you cannot even vent about his particular issues because they are so quick to tell you he is a pile of shit andyou should get rid of him. Amen for writing this. It angers me so much to listen to every last person comment and say you need to seek counseling when all you said is that he's driving you crazy for the day or week even.
I call bullshit on all of the perfect relationships everyone seems to have. I call bullshit on the fighting threads where EVERYONE says they NEVER fight and that they always talk it out calmly and that they never disagree with their so or get mad at them. Ugh! Can you tell this drives me insane?
So here I am admitting were not perfect and we fight and sometimes we yell but that we will always love one another and even though sometimes I want to smack him I understand that we have to work it out and that is the only option. Don't get discouraged by all the people on here telling you you need to fork out big bucks to fix the fact that he won't clean up after himself because you are clearly going to get a divorce if you don't. If he's beating you or munipulating you or calling you every name in the book that's different but for the every day stuff until you start to hate him I think working it out at home the best you can is the best option.
@stephanie920: We had the same problem of "hitting below the belt" because we knew there was no chance the other would leave. It just escalated and escalated until finally told him that I can not continue like this. We talked about it and decided that when we argue, if one of us starts to feel attacked or like they are not being spoken to in a loving manner, we will grab the other's hands and argue while looking into each other's eyes. Man! That really helps diffuse the tones in our voices! We found that when we would argue before, it was like a cloud was over our eyes and we just... forgot? didn't care? that we loved each other. Doing this over the past few months has brought us to such an amazing new level and we are both so very happy. I seriously recommend this!
@Miss Smurf: I totally agree with you! It irritates me a little on here when people post, "I can't help ya sweetie, DH and I never fight..." or something along those lines.... In my head I'm thinking, "Either you're lying, or you've got a long haul ahead of you." I really do believe that arguments make the relationship stronger. I don't think a relationship is real if you don't disagree--that means someone isn't speaking up, and that only causes trouble down the road.
BF and I don't FIGHT, fight....ya know; yelling at eachother, slinging names, throwing things fight....no...we don't do that. But we argue. Our tone gets raised, we sometimes get accusatory (which we're working on), and we can go a whole day not speaking.
But yeah no fighting = bad news bears IMO.
AH! Yes, I will open a thread about a relationship issue, read from a bee who is having amost the exact same issues as my DH and I am, ony to read the "GET OUT NOW! QUICK!" comments. Makes me feel gross sometimes.
"You dont know what marriage is until youve found yourself looking at the rat poison for 45 minutes"
Aaahahhaha...so funny and scary at the same time! Wow....
Hi!
I didn't read through the rest of your responses, but I can completely understand where you're coming from. My FI and I have had our highs and lows. We're currently in a LDR (he's living about 5 hours away, due to grad school). We are both incredibly busy people. He's working on a PhD and I am an elementary school teacher, plus going to grad school at night.
There will be times I'm sitting with him and we have nothing to talk about. I can't think of anything, and it makes me nervous. I have thought that we should be talking, we shouldn't have this problem. But then, I think back to other relationships that I have with others that are really close to me (immediate family, best friends, etc.), and I realize that there are times where we don't talk much, and it's okay.
We've also had times where it just wasn't fun to be around each other. We've had disagreements, miscommunication, all of those things. We've been honest with each other. I can think of one visit in particular where things just weren't all that fun.
What helps for us is we talk things out. We tell each other when we feel like things are in a rut. Then, we come up with ways to try to break out of it. Maybe it's taking a day trip somewhere, or going out and having a date night. A lot of times, when things get to a low, it's because we aren't taking the time to be romantic for each other. We try to find ways to mix things up and we communicate.
The biggest lesson I've had to learn is that he can't read my mind. I've told him that I really like getting random cards in the mail from him, or that the next time I come to visit, I want to go out to dinner and dress up a little. He has also told me that he hates having to plan out every single thing that we do, that he wants me to start choosing things.
I hope this helps somewhat! This is what works for us, at least.
@MsBrooklynA: "I think working it out at home the best you can is the best option."
I even think that makes us STRONGER. I feel like seeing a counselor would be us admitting that we can't handle our issues ourselves. If you can't handle your issues amongst yourselves, then what kind of relationship is that?
GRANTED, there are relationships that need counseling for much bigger issues, and that's ok. If BF and I were to have an issue that I felt was genuinely too great to handle between us, I would suggest counseling, because I do believe it's ok to ask for help. But only ask for help when you REALLY can't do it yourself...
Side note: someone said in here (and I can't find the comment now) that when she needed relationship advice, she would go to her mom or her best friend, not WB. Personally, I come to the Bee because 1) I don't have a good relationship with my mom and even if I did, she isn't exactly someone I'd want relationship advice from and 2) because while I do get advice from my friends, a lot of the time I like to try and find someone who's going through the same thing as me.
I guess it's my personality type to get all the info I can on something. Granted I don't listen to EVERYONE on here (I'd be in big trouble if I did), I do consider the source, the fact that they don't know ME or my relationship that well, and the kind of advice given. I am an information seeker--that's just my personality. It's why I love boards so much because there's always a plethora of people who can offer you advice based off experience and I think experience is the greatest indicator on whether someone should be qualified to offer any kind of advice. No one knows better than someone who's gone through it.
being totally real, i think i'm having a bit of a delayed post-wedding depression--i started grad school right after the wedding so i was totally busy, but now that it's summer i have a bit of a breather from school and it's like i have all this time and no fun projects to work on! i don't even know what blogs to read anymore for fun (ie, besides like current events), lol--hubby's the cook, our apt's as decorated as it can be for the most part, etc.
so i feel like we're in a rut, but then again i'm a total perfectionist and i think i just keep looking for something wrong to fix, maybe bc of above-mention pwd, i can't tell if there actually is anything wrong with "us" or not besides the fact that we've been togehter 5 years so we're less passionate than we used to be, and we spend a ton of time togehter bc we both work from our apt... there are def some things about him that bug me, that might change with time but might not, but they aren't "dealbreakers" because we aren't unhappy, i just feel like things are status quo and not changing/getting better
I think some of it is personality and some is environment and circumstance.
My DH and I have never had a screaming fight, but that's because we aren't really the screaming type. He irritates the crap out of me sometimes and life isn't perfection, but at the same time we don't have any major issues--he helps around the house, we have an acceptable level of respect, the sex is good, neither of us have issues with in-laws, etc.. I've never thought "wow, I made a huge mistake" or anything like that.
I totally expect there will be big fights in the future, but we really haven't had to deal with any gigantic issues yet. I mean we've both lost our jobs and have had the stress of moving and combining finances and the wedding but I've been proud of how level headed we've been through our differences.
So is everything sunshine and daisies? No.
Do we have huge issues that I conceal? No.
We have been having a lot of lows AND a lot of high lately. We tiff over stupid things, probably from the stress of the wedding, but also have had a lot of great moments when talking about our future or enjoying each others company.
A married friend of mine was missing attention from the male population (she was quite the man eater when she was single). We talked about it and realized that just because we are married and getting married, we aren't dead and we aren't perfect. We still notice cute boys, we still fight with our cute boys, and sometimes we still want to dump a glass of water over their heads and tell them to stop being idiots.
Marriage to me is just the commitment to get through the tough times that we all have. Love is work and you won't be in love with your partner 100% of the time and thats okay.
Suneshine and happiness my butt.I'm going through this right now.It is probably from seeing him everyday to maybe once every two weeks now.Or the stress of us both looking for jobs.Me going to colege or his lack thereof.I think I am just going through a depression bout because I wished there was more to me and him than see each other for a day and leave.It is just the stress of him having no income and it is all put on me.Also our views of relationship have changed over the years.Then there is the issue of engagement(which I haven't brought up ina while.Yay)Granted I know we can get through it, It is just SOOO stressful.I do feel more comfortable talking about it on the Bee because my friends don't know what I am going through.They have had multiple boyfriends and never had a long term relationship.While I have been with him for 2 years and 8 months.Theres just a lot going on here but I am sure once someone gets a better job it should turn around.I feel so much better!
I feel ya!! I dont think your relationship is doomed. If that were the case mine would be as well.. Im pretty sure you just described FI and I. We have been in a rut lately but that is mostly bc he has been working so much (around 70 hours a week) And he is exhausted. We recently switched roles. I used to be the one that worked more and he worked less and now that that is switched I am bored when I am home and he is tied when he gets home so we are becoming a really old boring, sex lacking married couple before our wedding lol. I hope that things will get better as we get into the new routine of things. Its been about a month of the new schedules. But no worries I think we will both get out of the ruts. Everyone is different they will last a few days or a few weeks but you are not doomed!!!
Have any of you ever questiones whether your relationship was really what you wanted? Whether or not you really wanted your BF/FI/DH for the rest of your life?
I will fully admit that DH and I do have our problems. We've been long distance for 2 years, we've never lived together and we're having issues re-adjusting to actively being in a relationship. Both of us are so used to doing our own thing whenever we want. It's something we can work past, for sure, it's just been stressful.
Plus, with a long-term LDR, there is a period of panic where you feel like you don't know the person anymore. You haven't had to deal with their likes, dislikes, quirks, habits, anything for a long time. This may be different for the people who saw each other more often than we did, but this happened to us. Now that we're going to be around each other all the time again, we've found that we have to re-learn who the other person is. Part of that re-adjustment is learning how to communicate again, and how to fight fairly. It's going okay so far, it's just been a little bit of a rollercoaster. This piled upon the stress of his dad dying and a transatlantic move.... yeah, it's been a little rough since we got married.
It's all good though. Through this rough patch, I have not doubted that we'd find a way to work through it. We still love each other, it's just sometimes we can't stand each other. lol. It helps that both of us have set up our own space in the house. Mine with my computer, my sewing machine, all my art stuff, etc. Him with his computer and his guitars. It's nice to have somewhere to escape to just to be alone with yourself. I think it's been the constant closeness that's been freaking us out.
@RenoRose: Yes. and more than once. Probably multiple times a week. It used to scare me, that maybe if I were thinking those thoughts, we weren't meant to be.
One day my mom was talking to my great-aunt (they are pretty much our grandparents), who has been married for over 40 years. She was telling my mom how at least once a day she still wonders why she married her husband. I was shocked because I thought they had a great relationship. My mom said the same about my dad, and they've been married for 25 years.
I realized that it just happens - you see them at their best and worst, and they see you the same way. You will annoy him occasionally and he will do the same to you. But your love and commitment to each other is much more important than the fact that he prefers to wash half the dishes by hand, letting them pile up for a week, rather than use the dishwasher :)
Oh geez. We aren't even married yet and we've had some HUGE fights. Some with me even packing my car up and calling Verizon asking how to take my name off of the account. And that was just last week.
Marriage is hard. Its tough and hardcore. But its a lifetime commitment. Some people can make it and some can't. And there are definitely days that make me wonder if we are going to make it. We have had some horrible fights (have you seen my blog?) and granted, most is wedding related stress and lack-of-job stress but its all a part of the relationship. However at the end of the day, what it comes down to is that i love this man with all my heart and I want him to stay in the ring with me, fighting and loving to keep this marriage working. Fighting is a part of life. And trust me, we may look perfect from the outside but we are far from it. But thats everyone. We can all be great actresses ;)
Great post. While overall weddingbee is awesome, there is a tendancy to be overly negative which only makes things worse. Also, sometimes people use what you said in a different post against you, which makes it hard to open up.
I find the most helpful advice is from people who understand where FH is coming from better than I do. They help me see the issue from his side, which makes me work harder on our marriage. If I post about FH not cleaning to my standards, it is far more helpful to point out that he may have never learned to clean or realize the importance than someone to say he is a jerk for not cleaning- that just makes me more upset and things get worse.
I am way tighter with money than FH. He spends far more at the grocery than is needed, justifying that anything at the grocery is cheaper than eating out and he spends more to eat healthier. Then he often says he is too tired to cook, and things go bad. (I also let things go bad, but don't spend nearly as much to begin with.) It drives me crazy that he spends more than we need. His take is that "we have plenty of money." We do, but if we keep spending, we won't.
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