Post # 1
Hi bees…I am looking for some advice as I am not sure how to handle this situation and am newly married.
Husband and I just got married in May, we are planning on TTC in about 2 years, which we both agreed upon. However, I am really really tired of being on the pill. I have been on the pill for 10 plus years. I have read and seen first hand with family and friends how it can potentially mess your body up when it comes time to try to have kids. In the past year or two, I have been making big steps towards treating my body better…eating healthier, sleeping better hours, taking better care of my skin and strength training/exercising, etc. So, I just don’t want to put stuff like that in my body anymore and want a break.
I am not ready for a kid either and do want to protect us from that right now. When I told him I was going off the pill and we’d need to figure something else out, he said “No.” I mean I know we are married now and this is a serious decision I guess we should make together… but I feel like…it’s MY body. I dont’ want to do it anymore. He pretty much laughed at the condom idea and I said “well we can do the planning cycle and avoid ovulating days” and he says “I will just get a vascetomy then.” So he’s not even willing to compromise or discuss.
Am I in the wrong? What should I do?
Post # 2
he’s being an asshole. It’s your body.
I went off BC the month my husband and I got married for exactly the same reason. We are not TTC. We use condoms, its really not that big of a deal. You have the rest of your lives to have sex, if he can’t handle not having it his way for a few months or years, that would be a serious red flag to me.
Post # 3
blushpink10: No, I don’t think you’re wrong. I am on my 2nd cycle off of BCP (was on it for 8 years) and we will not be TTC until next summer. I too was tired of being on it, the side effects, etc. While your DH has the right to express his concerns-I get it…BCP have probably been very reliable up to this point and easy for him as he doesn’t have to do anything- he does not have the right to just shut you down and think he can control what you do to your body. I would sit him down and have a serious talk. Explain that his response was not okay and that as a couple you need to come to a decision together and he cannot threaten a vasectomy if he doesn’t get his way. That is incredibly immature. My DH was hesitant at first (I chart) and explained it well by saying he had just come to really trust BCP and this was completely different and new. Now that it’s been a few months he sees that this method works too, but is just different. Good luck!
Post # 4
blushpink10: Um, it’s your body. If you don’t want to put chemicals/hormones in it, you shouldn’t have to. Does he understand how these medications can potentially alter your body? If he’s serious about the vasectomy, I would imagine he would be open to other things. Would an IUD be an option?
Post # 5
blushpink10: I HAD to go off the pill, it was determined that I’m at a higher than average risk of stroke anyways and the pill just bumped that up so I was declined a refill on my prescription by my new doctor. DH and I talked about it, and while we knew I could go to a walk in and lie, it wasn’t worth it – my DH didn’t know the risks and side effects associated with HBC (although he did witness the mood swings one brand caused me…it was BAD).
Perhaps your DH doesn’t know what you’re putting in your body and WHY you want to go off of it now. I will admit, condoms SUCK, DH and I have been dealing with them for a few years now. We’ve been less careful since the wedding, but I am paying attention to my cycle. Your DH might also not understand (like I didn’t until recently) that there are only a handful of days that you can actually get pregnant in a month. We’re taught from a relatively young age unprotected sex =baby. It’s not that easy. I’d try and talk to him again, and again.
Ultimately, in my opinion, it’s your body, this is your choice.
Post # 6
blushpink10: No, you are not wrong. Contraceptives is not solely the responsibility of the woman, especially when not having kids right now is a mutually agreed upon decision by both parties. I HATE that it is a common misconception any other way, when condoms – albeit not the greatest feelings in the world, is a wonderfully safe means for both parties – as far as not having anything ‘internally’ placed inside the women!!
Should you come up with an agreement on how to prevent children?? Sure, but he cannot just say it is pill or a vasectomy. That seems incredibly selfish. Do not get me wrong, there are other means outside of condoms as well, but again, if it is ‘affecting’ your body, then ultimately you have the final say!!
I think tracking your cycles, once they regulate (which could take some time, a few months, etc) on a family planning app – in order to NOT try to conceive is very feasible. My DH and I are using that method, and we avoid sex during fertile days, OR he wears a condom. However, I have been off the pill for 2 years, and my cycles are very regular. He pulls out 100% of the time too, not just while I am ovulating. It works for us this way.
In the meantime, if you go off the pill, I would be weary just utilizing that approach until you become regular, and thus I think it is fair to ask him to wear a condom – in my opinion. IF that is an issue, then certainly have the discussion on feelings if you do end up pregnant.
Post # 7
Well he communicated that pretty poorly, however; I feel like BC should be a decision made by the couple. Simple logic tells you if you don’t want kids then you need a form of BC, YOU don’t want the pill, HE doesn’t want condoms. Someone here needs to compromise, or else you likely will end up pregnant before you’re ready.
Personally, I would rather stay on BCP before relying on charting, pulling out, condoms, etc. If you think hormone pills can wreak havoc on your body, try pregnancy and exhaustive parenting before you’re ready– that’ll REALLY throw your body/state of mind for a loop!
Post # 8
Wow. Sorry to say, but he is kind of a jerk. To THREATEN you by saying he’ll just get a vasectomy? I’d be like, fine go right on ahead. I doubt he would.
But anyway, if you’re an equal partner in this marriage he NEEDS to discuss it. Is this how he’s going to handle future situations? By threatening to do something or stomping around like a little child because things aren’t being done his way?
He needs to grow up and talk to you like your opinion on your body matters. I can’t give you much more advice that that. If he isn’t willing to tlak or compromise you need to take the next step…quit the pill and let him stomp around like a child and do whatever he has to do? Therapy? Only you can decide.
Post # 9
Wow. Your H is way out of line. He is basically saying that all of the birth control is on you OR he will have surgery to prevent conception? Nope, nope, nope. I cannot imagine willingly being married to a man with such misogynistic and outmoded attitudes about family planning.
That all being said, some non-hormonal birth control methods include: IUD, condoms, charting (basal body temp, cervical mucous, etc), and abstinence. If I were you, it would be the last one ’cause I am not even trying to get sexy with a misogynst.
Post # 10
Wow he’s acting like a jerk. It’s YOUR body and you should be able to do what you want.
It’s not like you did this on the sly to get pregnant, you told him you are off it and you would have to discuss other methods to avoid pregnancy.
The fact that he jumped to a vasectomy so quickly is a big deal, makes me think he doesn’t want kids at all and was maybe afraid to tell you?
Post # 11
First of all, there is no evidence that long-term use of birth control pills has any effect on fertility.
From the Mayo Clinic: “Years ago it was thought that prolonged use of birth control pills would interfere with a woman’s subsequent ability to conceive, but this has been shown to be false. Similarly, doctors used to recommend taking an occasional break from birth control pills, but this offers no benefits and may increase your risk of an unplanned pregnancy.”
With that said, you and your husband need to be able to discuss this and come up with a solution that works for both of you. Does he actually want kids? Why would he get a vasectomy if he wants to have a baby?
Post # 12
blushpink10: He should be lucky you even consulted him about this. I might have just done it and said, “FYI, I’m off the pill so we need to figure something out.”
Have you thought of alternate forms of BC (IUD, patch, etc) or do you just not want any of those hormones and chemicals in your system whatsoever?
And no, you’re not in the wrong…
Post # 13
blushpink10: That’s a pretty big step in the other direction about the vasectomy. I was going to suggest maybe looking at other options together but that seems pretty pointless. It is however your body, you’re right, and even though you are married and should decide important things together, if you’ve seen how the pill affects people first hand then I’d say you’re pretty entitled to do your own thing for the protection of you. It’s hardly like you’re doing it out of spite, and you have mention want to protect you as a couple and individually.
Do what you have to do, for you.
Post # 14
You are not in the wrong, and his reaction was unreasonable. He may not understand the side effects you experience from the pill. (Though I don’t think there are good medical studies that show an effect on fertility after use, my knowledge may be out-of-date.) In any case, your feelings on BCP are valid and reason enough to find a new method TOGETHER. Read or talk to a doctor about your BC options and then sit down and figure out a compromise. So for you, BCPs and a permanent solution (like vasectomy) are off the table. Maybe for him condoms are off the table. There are other options. I would think about a diaphragm/cervical cap used with spermicide (over 80% efficacy), charting, and pulling out. If I really didn’t want a kid I wouldn’t trust any of those alone, but any two of the three (used consistently and correctly) together I would trust.
Post # 15
Honestly I agree with everyone else. It’s your body and your choice. It was really good of you to consider his opinion but since his opinion was wrong (haha) I think you should just go off the pill anyway. Something like “listen, I’m not taking the pill anymore it messes with my hormones and I don’t like it. That being said, I don’t want kids yet either, so either you compromise with me for other forms of birth control OR we don’t have sex for two years.”