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I'm just kidding with the title....kind of. I love my fiance, and we generally get along fine when we are sharing the same space. We used to live very close to one another and spent copious amounts of time at each others' places. During the last summer, we both lived in my mother's house while we worked. Kind of awkward at times, but it worked out fine. We all lived to tell the tale & actually didn't have any real arguments throughout the summer either.
However...I am an only child, and I have grown to be very possessive of my space. My little 1 BR apartment is my safe haven & I would probably be a hermit if I didn't have to leave my apartment on occasion to buy shoes and other sustenance. (Although with zappos, I may not even have to do that!) Right now we are long distance and I am super happy when he comes to visit. I am sad to see him go (I often even cry as he leaves), but by the next day I am glad to have my futon back, full control of my TV, and the ability to turn over multiple times in my bed without running into anybody.
When we argue (which isn't often, but it DOES happen on occasion), I am glad to have my own FI-free zone to decompress. He knows all of this, and when we are in the same space and not actually directly interacting, he kind of tries to stay out of my way (although I think he mostly just likes his own space too & isn't being totally altruistic here).
I really really love him. I love being with him, I love talking to him, I love seeing his face. He is my best friend & the person I am closest with in this world......But does he have to be around all the time???? To make matters worse, our first year of marriage will be in a small apartment & both of us will be home most of the time since we are both in school.
Is anyone else looking forward to sharing their life but not their living space? How did newly-married folks deal with this transition?
I kind of get that. FI is here 2-3 days a week, but he lives with his parents. I do have slight worries about living with someone after living by myself for over 4 years, and even though he is about to turn 37, he lives in a culture where it is usual for mothers to do all the housework/cleaning etc. Therefore, I worry a little about the transition from "mum will pick up after me" to "bamm will start a fight if I don't pick up after myself." His very traditional father has actually already told him 'now you have a foreigner as a fiancee...so you should start to learn how to do housework!'
The one good thing with us is that we are very comfortable with socializing without each other and we both work long hours. I think you might need to talk to your FI and explain your love for him...but need for some alone time. Perhaps you can work out certain times when you get the apartment to yourself (he has a 'boys night out' or a study session at the library) and/or do something by yourself to help ease the transition. I think things will get easier for you over time, but you will need an inital adjustment period.^^
we have been living together since 2006. when we originally moved in together it was definitly an adjustment and there was a lot of give and take happening. we each have our personal space i guess you could call it in our place. his domain is the garage. thats where he goes when he stressed or im just aggravating the living daylights out of him. he also knows that when im curled up on the couch next to the lamp with a book or my lap top or im watching certain tv shows to leave me alone until i talk to him. as long as you at least have a certain area that is yours that you can kind of retreat to it should def help...even if its just your own desk or an armchair in the corner.
I live with my fiance (dang it still feels strange saying that). And he and I have a three bedroom apartment with three kids, here it's funny because tonight I had a kid free man free zone and it was sooo quiet i napped on the sofa, browsed the internet watched hgtv and well after about three hours I missed them all insanely. You will learn to deal with the hustle and bustle and having another body around. You will begin to crave his warmth in the bed when you roll over and he is already at work, or you'll start to grin when you smell the coffee or breakfast that he's made just because he thinks you are adorable and need your beauty sleep. But you will also want to punch him when he leaves his hair on the sink after shaving (maybe that's just me) or when he hogs the flat screen watching ESPN. But you will adjust and you will morph into a wife and no longer be a single woman.
@crebre80....i know what you mean about missing him! my fiance is military and i struggle every time hes gone to fall alseep in our bed. it feels empty without him there! i have cats which help combat the house being too quiet but its still the best when hes home!
I have a small house and we don't live together, but on the nights he does stay over my main complaint is how much space he takes up on my bed!
Its just about queen sized, so there is plenty of space for me to turn over in the night. I don't like "snuggling" or anything touching me when I'm fast asleep, but BF still manages to crowd me into one end of the bed so that I'm almost falling off on one side or bumping into him on the other! I have to wake up multiple times just to shove him over to the middle of the bed for some space...
I am seriously getting one of these once we are hitched, or maintaining his and hers bedroom suites like they did about a century ago...
Also, OMG but how much does he EAT??? Hes not (too) overweight or anything... but he's just constantly eating all the time! He can deplete all my stocked up weekend food in the refridgerator in a day... How is that even normal???
@Cybele-OMG where did you find that, cuz I seriously want one! I have the same problem, we have a queen sized bed and yet I'm always the one almost falling off the edge cuz he needs to spread out and push me out of the bed. Plus we have two furbabies who alternate between sleeping with us and running around the house all night.
@Frugalista - you get em here - http://www.bedhog.com/... the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced separate bedrooms are a great idea :P
@Cybele-I agree seperate bedrooms is the way to go, no worries about snoring or bed hogging...ahh sounds heavenly!
I've lived with FI for over a year now, and although everyone has little quirks, I love having him around. We do have a guest room with a TV, so when he's playing a game and I want to watch TV, it's great to have another room to go into for that. I'm sure once he's there all the time, you'll get used to/love it!
We're both major introverts too, and we both love living alone. When we move in together, we're planning on getting a slightly bigger place (he lives in a studio loft now, haha.... we want SOME walls!) so we'll both have space to 'escape' if need be.
Sure, it'll be an adjustment, but he's so worth it!
@Cybele and Frugalista - when FI and I first got together, he actually slept on the floor! Before meeting me, he had never slept in a Western style bed, so he felt very strange sleeping in a bed. He made a little bed for himself right beside my already low bed. It was great! I had the whole bed to myself, but could reach over and touch him in the middle of the night. Eventually, he got used to beds, and now he steals my blankets all the time! Our final compromise is two comforters so we each get our own!
Both FH and I are only-children and we both need space!
My cousin and her husband actually have separate bedrooms. It as been that way for the seventeen years they have been together. People think it's odd, but I think it makes perfect sense (for them). From what she says, their sex life doesn't suffer, she doesn't have to be kept up by his snoring and he doesn't have to deal with her massive clothes collection.
Mondy, when the time comes you will be able to work it out. FI and I moved in together after 2 years of dating. It was hard for me at first because I was used to my own bed, futon, tv, kitched, BATHROOM, etc. We were both students living on the edge of campus but he had much fewer classes than me because I was also teaching. It seemded like every time I came home he was home, he was never gone. He didn't even go out with his friends unless I went with him. When it started to bother me I just told him how I felt. Instead of me coming home to do my homework/grading I would stay on campuse between classes or after classes for a while or even go back to campus for a bit after dinner. This gave me some time away. Also, FI likes to lay in bed to watch TV and the computer was also in the bedroom. Our apartment was only 3 rooms, a bedroom, kitchen/living area, and bathroom so much of the time when FI was in the bedroom I hung out on the futon in the living room.
You will get used to it you just need to find ways to get away every now and then. Also, make sure you set laundry days and help eachother or take turns so that you don't start to resent him for you having to do all the work. Same with dinner/dishes/cleaning bathroom/etc.
Living with anybody is a challenge, whether it's parents, siblings, roommates or a partner. I've lived with my fiance for a year and a half and I LOVE it, but we have very different work schedules so it's hard for us to get sick of each other or spend too much time at home together.
I would say the most important thing is making sure you each have your own space in the apartment and time every week to decompress by yourself or with your friends.
Also don't worry about what is "normal" or not - my parents lived apart for work after they were married and my mom said living alone was wonderful even though she missed my dad! Everybody needs space!
I totally get that. Sometimes you just want some alone time. My fi and I work completely different schedules right now so we rarely see each other except when we are going to sleep and on weekends. But when we used to be around each other a lot I still wanted some space. I talked to him about it and he understood. I could just go into the bedroom and relax while he took the living room. I think there was an episode of SATC about that actually. Good luck!
I love (and second) what crebre80 said.
When my fiance and I moved in together (into a new apartment for both of us), I had been living alone for 9 years. I was very anxious about having my personal space "encroached on," but I'm happy to report that it never actually felt that way. I really, really enjoyed having him around.
Don't get me wrong, though. I adore the early mornings when he's still asleep and I have some quiet time, like now. And I adore it once or twice a week when he goes out on his own to do his thing. And when I go out to do my thing.
Be open to the possibility that it won't be what you think. It'll be pretty darn good.
As far as the bed? I wouldn't go any smaller than a king.
I will admit that living together is substantially easier if you have more space. My goal is to live somewhere big enough so I can have my EstroDen and he can have his Man Cave. For now, though, we're pretty comfortable alternating living room/bedroom if one of us needs space, or simply telling the other person, "Maybe you should go out with friends tonight."
In regards to day-to-day issues - make sure you agree (or can at least come to an agreement) about how clean the place should be. Initially, I would let things fester or just do them myself, and eventually explode in a "How in the world can you live in such filth?!" rage. Eventually, I realized how ineffective that was, so we sat down and determined how often each chore needed to be done. If there was a chore that one person loathed but the other person didn't mind (i.e. I HATE taking the trash out and he doesn't mind, whereas he LOATHES doing dishes and I don't mind), that chore was assigned to the non-hater. But for the chores in-between, we just alternate who does them.
Bamm and I are pretty much in the same boat- Mr. KM lives at home and stays 1-2 nights a week. I'm going to have a hard time living together because of less personal time, but thankfully he's going back to school and will spend lots and lots of time in the library/office. Our goal is to find somewhere with enough room for each of us to have an office or my case, an office/craft den) but depending on what city we move to, that might be a cost issue.
i had my own apt. in college, so i lived alone for 4 years. i loved it, and i convinced myself that i would never be able to have a roommate ever again let alone move in with a boy! but of course when my fi asked me to move in with him, i did, and it's been awesome. when it's the right person, you want to be around them all the time. of course there are issues here and there, but for the most part it's great!
Cybele-
I know exactly what you mean! MY fi and I don't live together yet, but after we get married- I know that food will be our biggest expense, he eats sooo much! He's not fat at all, he's actually really muscular and works out a lot. but boy can that man eat haha.
I know what you mean, moneypenny, I love my fi so much and he's my best friend, but when we move it we'll have a really small apartment, and when we do (rarely, but on occasion) get into fights, I need my space, and I am not a fan of walking out after or in an argument. I don't think that's fair, but yeah I understand.
The biggest thing for me isn't so much sharing space, because I LOVE the idea of moving out of my loud, boisterous parents' house to live with my quiet and relaxed hubby, but at the same time, I love my space!
I think it will be a happy compromise though... he's so ready to leave his parents house too.
I don't like sharing the bed with someone either. Too bad we can't have separate beds!
SO and I alternate sleeping at his place and my place right now...I do agree that I love having about an hour or so to myself before I see him after work...I just bought a house and now I have a lot more room...and it will be the house that we will live in when we get married. We always have at least one day a week where we just stay at our respective houses and I plan to do something like that when we are married...a girls night out so that he can have the house to himself and he can go out with the guys and I can have the house to myself. Just once a week will be plenty...because we are pretty used to spending most of our time together. We will be getting a king size bed for sure...we both have full size beds right now and it gets very hard to be comfortable. But for the most part I think you just get used to sharing your space.
@moneypenny, I'm right there with you. I am also and only child, and growing up like that you get used to spending some time alone. We don't live together but we live in the same apartment complex. Since he moved into my complex, he is at my house all the time! If I tell him I need some space or I have something to do, he gets sad so I started picking fights with him so he goes away from a while. I know, but at least I'm acknowledging it.
I hope after we get married I can have a sewing/craft room that will be boy-free!
I totally feel you because I always used to feel that way. I'm moving in with my FI in 2 weeks and I'm not scared because? he knows me. He knows I need my space. He knows sometimes I just need to be alone and it isn't about him. I love that in our house we have 2 living areas (great room and a second living room that is his "man cave") so that we each have our own areas, and I love that I will be able to tell him sometimes: I just need a few hours alone, and he won't freak out. I think that 1) you are going to have to suck it up and learn to share. and 2) you're going to need to make him understand that its going to take some adjustment on your part and sometimes you'll need some space and it doesn't mean you don't love him
@Cybele - those are GREAT!
I get it too, we live together now and I wouldnt have it any other way... even when I am practically pushing him out of the door to go to the gym so I can have some just me time.
One of the hardest things is not having our own space. We are solving this by each of us having a study. (We have 3 bedrooms and a study.) He is restaining his desk so it's not set up at all, so we still have some issues. Mine is mostly set up but still in the process. I have my own chair to read in and it's so nice to get away. The only downside is that mine has french doors so it's not very private, but it's mine and that helps. I think it will be a lot better when his is finally in place.
heheheheh - my husband had our current entire house to himself, he bought it years ago and he has already commented that before me, he had a computer room and a room for his guitars and a room for his recording stuff and a room just for his ironed laundry and a bedroom.... and then we married and then i moved in and all his "stuff" got thrown into the one room and i took over the rest of the entire house - which is true..... i tell him to suck it up :-)
hahah eloping!
my FH and I have been living together for just over 6 months. And FH proposed 1 WEEK after I moved in... ONE WEEK, so mostly... its been wedding planning that has taken over the last 4 months and having my own seperate space has not been an issue, as I do my DIY projects on the dining room table and have my laptop there also. FH loves to watch movies or go to the gym. So I go to the gym with him 3 times a week but we both have differant routines and that so that gives me a bit of space. However when he does overcrowd I pack whatever im doing and head into the bedroom - take the laptop or book or go for a run, he seems to get the picture and likes to have his space also.
Only problem I have is he takes up way too much of the bed at night and I get my little corner.
But its not too bad when I get kicked or pushed out - Ive got a guest room! SCOREEEEE
@des salazar - Yeah, I get the same hangdog face from BF if I tell him I need to be alone for a few hours or that I'm doing some activity without him. He needs to get used to it though... just because I'm in love doesn't mean I'm joined at the hip!
I concur. Before my FI and I moved in together, my sister warned me that for she and my BIL, learning to live together was MUCH harder than actually getting married! And now that we've lived together 1.5 years, we get along fine but there have some rough spots and quite a few "discussions" along the way. It just takes a lot of patience and a lot of compromise! We have a guest bedroom which is nice as a back-up, like when one of us is sick or has a crazy early morning flight. I'm really a Type A and I like to constantly clean out/purge and I have to be esp careful with his stuff, because he is more of a saver. But I've learned to be patient with his "stuff" and he slowly comes around to throwing out old clothes, books, etc. after I casually suggest things. :)
You are SO not alone! I lived alone for 1.5 years while my now-DH was deployed. All that space, all for me. Even last night I felt a pang of....sadness? Because I had to watch football and not something else. Well, i wasn't going to be mean and make him change it, ya know?
He and I are very much personal space kind of people. I really do wish we had a bigger bed. He wakes me up a lot and it makes me crabby. He doesn't have to work yet but I do, so it's really unfortunate he gets up so much =(. I'd recommend a big bed if you can get one!
Otherwise, as long as you each acknowledge personal space you'll be fine. When i need mine, i tell him, and he leaves me alone. He goes into another room and watches football. Often, he goes downstairs and plays videogames. Which is AWESOME. I get the whole upstairs to myself for a couple hours and I just get to do what I want to do. When I'm crabby (like yesterday--sometimes i'm just a big mean crab in the morning), he catches on within 5 minutes and stays quiet until my mood gets better (a couple hours usually, but I'm just generally not uber friendly in the morning). Sometimes he gets all snuggly cutesy with me in the evenings and I have to tell him, "look i'm busy. you get ONE kissie, but i got stuff to do!" and he's like "okay no biggee" about it. I understand, tho--he doesn't work, he misses me while he's gone, etc. Meanwhile I'm taking 9 credits, working full time, and i've been traveling for work. But, i find as long as we communicate and don't take it personally (have this talk with him BEFORE you need your 'me time'), it isn't a big deal.
I'm not a person who can be around their SO 24/7 without going bat crap bananas. So coming from one person who was quite content to live alone to another, it's doable. Just maintain the individuality of it on occassion and relish in the togetherness other times. And while you guys may be extra snuggly now that you're LDR, you may find that you're not like that when you move in together. I know we now are perfecty content to sit on the same couch WITHOUT necessarily touching each other (which means I can knit or play on my laptop while watching a movie) whereas before we were always touching or holding hands or something, knowing the weekend was soon to end and he'd leave.
You know, I used to be like that too. I would actually just stay at my then BF's apartment in college, because I didn't like anyone coming into my space and messing things up (I didn't want anybody drooling on my pillows or anything! my room! haha). When I lived at home during highschool, I would always keep my room totally separate. Now though? My husband and I can't get enough of each other. If he is going to be sitting in the office for a while, I will go get a book and sit in the chair across the room from him. I will admit though - he travels for work sometimes, and it does give us a little break and alone time. Maybe that is what makes us joined at the hip when he is home?
I guess it's slightly different because we have a house, and plenty of spots in that house allow us to get away from each other, but most of the time, I like to be in the same room as him. I've always been like that though :)
Because you'll both be in the apartment a lot, can you schedule "alone time?" My husband has poker night every Tuesday, so I know I have that time alone in the house and I relish it! Mostly I clean and do laundry, but it's great to eat crackers in bed or spend hours reading cookbooks or something without him there to notice. (Not that he cares of course, but there are somethings best enjoyed alone!) Perhaps you could each agree to have a night out with friends, or even schedule a night where you or him could spend 2 hours at the library after school to give the other person some space.
I think in time, you'll begin to enjoy having him around!
I really liked having my own space as well before we moved in together. In our house, a room downstairs is dedicated as his "man cave", and he's got video games and a bar in there. The boys come over for poker, video games, etc. and I have the main floor of the house all to myself for hours at a stretch. He thinks I was really nice to give him an entire room for his own use - little does he know it was a gift for both of us!
I know the feeling...
Having time to yourself is the best time sometimes. And being married is amazing. But sometimes... I wish I lived by myself, and didnt have to pick up dirty clothes off the floor and do someone elses dishes, and got to watch my own TV shows and spend as much time on the internet. Sometimes i miss living by myself LOL
It's a BIG adjustment living together and you're not going to fall into a routine overnight. We've been living together for about a year, and spent almost every night together for a year before that. Now that we have a house and our own personal space (not to mention a bigger bed) it's infinitely easier than my previous 1-bedroom apartment. Sharing a small space with another person is challenging at best.
You can make it work if you want to. Playing house is a TON of fun.
I once read an article about a married couple who chose NOT to live together. They lived in the same city, but not in the same place. It's really quite interesting!
This is why I'm so glad we lived together before we got engaged. My FI moved into my apartment (1-bedroom) and though he'd had roommates before, I'd lived along for 4 years. It was hard to adjust to having to share space with someone else, but we did it. Just cut yourself some slack at first and be sure to talk about what you guys are feeling! We had fights at first over learning to share space but it got worked out eventually. Though we would kill for a king-size bed...
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