Post # 1
I have been freaking out for months now about my wedding. I confided in a close friend and tried to chalk it up to cold feet but now I am so stressed about it it’s ruining my life. I can’t eat, hardly sleep, I wake up with horrible anxiety that lasts all day. I feel like I wanted to get married for all the wrong reasons. I was jealous because everyone around me was either getting married or having a baby, and here I was, with this guy for 7 years and he never even mentioned marriage. I don’t mean to sound conceited but I am amazing. We are very different though. I have pink hair, piercings and tattoos and he hates them all, he just tolerates them. Every time I as something new it’s such a fight and I feel like I am oppressing who I really am to make him happy. When he says he loves me it seems like routine, a kiss goodbye and I love you. I haven’t felt in love with him for months now. And our sex life may as well be non existent. It’s so bad I’m looking at other men and feel myself being willing to cheat on him because I’m so dissatisfied, and that’s not me! I even kissed one of his best friends (I told him about it) and I didn’t feel guilty at all. We may have our small problems, he is a great guy and would do anything for me, but I feel like I’m settling. He has no ambition to succeed in life. He is going to college now to get a business degree but we live in a house his parents own and they give us money every month and he just has this sense of entitlement that drives me insane. I do many activities every week, I do martial arts, participate in a local club for kids, and hang out with mutual friends every week for a movie night, and he told me he feels left out and followed it up with, “even if I wanted to go, I couldn’t.” SO there, he tries to guilt me for doing what I enjoy despite the fact that he said he doesn’t even want to participate in my activities. He makes me feel like I need to be sitting at home when he is doing homework, just so he knows where I am. And when I am out, I always get the texts “where are you? When will you be home?” even though I told him when I leave where I’m going.
I guess to make a long story short I feel like I’m settling for this man because we are high school sweethearts, the ring is on my finger, and the wedding is on May 25th. We talked about all this last night and he said if I call it off he never wants to see me again and wants all my stuff out. He’s mad because we got engaged because I wanted to not HIM apparently, which should be another flag there. He says I convinced him it was a good idea and now he does want to marry me. I feel horrible, I shouldn’t have given him an ultimatum because I was feeling jealous of everybody else. “Marry me or we’re going to break up”
I guess I’m just looking for advice. My parents already said the money doesn’t matter, it’s my life and I can’t feel like I’m making the wrong decision, that made me feel more loved that you can imagine. I have only a few days to decide what I want, and I think in my heart I want to call it off and go find myself, but the look on his face is killing me. I have never felt like he loved me until now, and I just don’t think that’s a good enough reason to get married.
Post # 3
Wow, that was a lot of emotion for me to take in. BUt it sounds like you have already made your decision.
Post # 4
Why are you with him if he makes you feel this way. It boogles my mind, you need to get out and get out now.
Post # 5
Call it off. It’s okay to admit you’ve grown and changed in seven years and this isn’t what you want anymore. I think you are far better off calling it off now, than to let it go and end up in a marriage you regret.
Post # 6
@YumeHokuto: I’m so sorry you’re going through all this, it can’t be easy to be in this situation. Take a deep breath.
By all means you should at least postpone the wedding if not call it off altogether. It sounds as though you’re not ready quite yet to be committed for a lifetime to this man.
That doesn’t make you a bad person and it doesn’t make him a bad person, either. It may only mean the two of you aren’t right for each other. I’m glad to hear you have the support of your parents, they can help you through this.
Don’t commit your life to someone if you’re feeling uneasy and panicked about it. Trust your gut! There’s nothing wrong with you – you have a right to feel how you feel. If he were the right man for you to marry you would feel happy, full of joy, calm and a lot less afraid.
Take your time and trust yourself to make the right decision for your life. It is your life! It’s not a dress rehearsal, this is the real deal. It’s important. Trust yourself about this.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Walk. It may not seem like it but it’s easier to break off an engagement a month before the wedding than go through with it and end up divorced. Love isn’t enough. You should have shared interests and mutual friends. It sounds like you are two different people at two different places in life and getting married would be a bad idea.
Post # 8
My BFF initiated her divorce with her high school sweetheart a couple weeks ago after five years of marriage, and 13 years together. If you know it’s a mistake now, that’s not changing in another five years. It will be hard, but get going now. It will only be harder after the wedding. Good luck.
Post # 9
You should at least call it off and get some external help for yourself and your relationship. Anxiety and depression can lead to all sorts of negative thoughts. When i was depressed i literally thought everyone hated me. So since i see you are incredibly stressed and not sleeping, i would speak to someone about that.
Second after you deal with the anxiety you need to evaluate your relationship. Maybe right now you are just focused on the negative. I dont know. But putting off the wedding and rediscovering your relationship is important.
Best of luck to you, whatever the outcome.
Post # 10
The money lost on deposits, decorations, etc is NOTHING compared to the money loss from a divorce, especially since he has no job, relies on his parents, etc – assuming you have a job, you’d be the primary earner. I wanted to call off my first wedding, and I didn’t because I felt the pressure of ‘everyone’s here, we spent all this money, etc’. I knew it was wrong and I said the words anyway. Biggest mistake of my life. You’ve got the chance to call it off before the guests show up.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Call it off now. You are not in love with him for exactly who he is and 100% excited to comit a lifetime to him. And he is not in love with you for who you are and 100% excited to commit a lifetime to you. Neither one of you actually wants a marriage to the other. So call of the wedding, call off the party, call of the charade. You both deserve someone who loves you completely, who can’t wait to wake up next to you every day for the next 70 years, who thinks you are the most wonderful thing on the face of the earth. If you cannot give that to each other, then part ways so that each of you can find the person who can.
Post # 12
From your post I guess I can’t think of any reasons to not call it off 🙁 I’m so sorry, I’m sure you must be stressed out of your mind.
Post # 13
@YumeHokuto: if you are asking this question, you already know the answer. leave. you will completely regret it if you stay and marry this man. trust me.
i was in the exact same situation as you are. we were together for 8 years but i knew that i deserved much more in a mate. the difficult part is to accept that it is over and tell him. it’s like ripping off a bandaid. there is also the fact that your life would be completely readjusted. no one likes change and this is why we stick it out for so long.
make an exit strategy now. i would suggest asking your parents or close friend if you can stay with them until you find your own place. it’s always easier to have some emotional support.
you sound like a strong, smart girl. you will do the right thing. in a year from now, you will look back and you will be so glad that you did. i know, i now smile every day.
if you want to chat, feel free to pm me.
Post # 14
probably better to call off the wedding then get a divorce in a few years. it sounds like you are really unhappy now, this should be a happy time.
Post # 15
I would call it off. Your parents sound supportive of this decision, so I would try and move out ASAP and live with them or a friend temporarily until you can get your own place. You shouldn’t marry someone just because you paid the deposits and don’t want to hurt them. Marrying someone for the wrong reasons will be far more painful in the long run.
Post # 16
You are different people now than you were in highschool, its to be expected. You want different things and that IS okay. Its much better to cut ties now than when you are married and have to go through a nasty divorce way down the line. A friend of mine felt this way and yet she married the man anyway, ended up having an affair and ending their marriage just two months down the road. Maybe one day he will want to be friends or maybe you will never see each other again but right now it sounds like you just need to love you!! good luck whatever you decide to do xxx