Post # 1
First off, I love my FI. I want to marry him but just don’t want the actual wedding. Before the wedding planning I said I always wanted to elope. I’m not a planner and don’t like being the center of attention.
I have let this wedding snow ball into something I don’t want and I’m the only one planning it. FI does nothing to help and always says its up to me for all decisions.
I take full blame for allowing my voice to go unheard and planning the wedding he wants. I want to cancel the whole thing and elope. FI won’t listen to any of it. Financially we cannot afford it and he keeps saying things will work out. I’m trying to explain we don’t have the money for this and that money doesn’t grow on trees, plus it’s not what I envisioned for our day. At this point we’ll lose $3,000 in deposits but still have nearly $7,000 to pay which we do not have. He says $3,000 is too much of a loss, but I know we cannot come up with the $7,000. We did plan for this, but some huge emergencies have come up that we had to pay for.
How do I knock some sense into him, because clearly what I’ve been saying is not working!!! I don’t know what else to do other than cancel the contracts on my own and left with a very unhappy FI.
Post # 3
Sit down with him and write everything out. Ask him to explain where the remaining 7 grand is coming from.Could you postpone the wedding or scale things back?
Post # 4
Tell him if he wants it then he can start planning it all on his own…that you’ll just show up?
Yeah I can I can be a little too blunt at times. You do need to find your voice though and be honest with your FI. If not the resentment can get to a point where you start having other problems. Sit him down and tell him honestly how you feel…it’s a good start to a marriage because it is learning communication.
Post # 5
Can you remodel what you already have done? To make it maybe intimate – immediate family? Halfway between eloping and a big shindig?
“Sit down with him and write everything out. Ask him to explain where the remaining 7 grand is coming from.”
Yes, an actual plan – not “it’ll work out” you need to see numbers.
Post # 6
How far along in the planning are you? Like are the invites out? Does everybody know, have they sent you gifts?
I wish I had eloped sometimes. It’s more my thing anyways, personal, romantic! Plus I’m like doing most the planning by myself too!
But I try to hold onto faith. Faith that thing WILL work out. We’ll have an amazing day with all our best friends and family. And in one short year, we’ll be laughing about all the drama, and constant appointments, and of course all the mishaps and our terrible dancing on the actual day!
If you can’t convince FI to back out completely, how about a combo of your two ideas. A very strict and small list of guests, with just a ceremony and light h’doeves. NO dj/alch/cake??
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club
You say he wants you to make all the decisions but he won’t let you change the wedding to an elopement? Anyway, I think financially you are making the best choice if you don’t want to take a loan out. Ask him where the money is coming from for the wedding…and if he wants to plan it himself! (or hire a wedding planner, which obviously costs money!)
Post # 8
As you obviously know, having a $10,000 wedding that you cannot afford and don’t want is a bad idea.
I would draft up everything I had done so far on microsoft word, print out out, along with a list of vendors, etc. put it in a folder and hand it to FI “Here. All of the information you need is here. I am not a planner, I do not like being the center of attention, you have not helped me, we do not have the money. Since you want this wedding, you need to plan it and find $7,000.”
That is not being too blunt. This man is going to be your HUSBAND. You’ve got to be able to communicate and plan. Okay, so you let yourself get pushed around. So end that today. Don’t feel guilty that you let it happen or that now you have to go along with it since you didn’t stop it before. You are always in control of your life. You should not have to plan a wedding you don’t want because you’re the woman. There is no wedding planning gene.
I would see what money I could get back, even if that means a white lie.
Perhaps you could make a list of things you both want that the $7,000 could go towards – a nice trip, loans, a new car, I don’t know.
Post # 9
Basically, you have the power to put the foot on the breaks. You literally do not have to be part of anything you don’t want to. You don’t pay for it, you don’t sign your name on a wedding loan (seriously), you don’t concede to plan any more. What are they gonna do? The absolute worst thing is that he turns out to be an immature jerk who freaks out and breaks it off because you wouldn’t indebt yourself over a party you don’t want. There are worst things. Like marrying someone who would break up with you for that. If he is truly a worthy man, he’ll hear you out. He won’t want his wife to be walked on by anybody, especially by him.
Post # 10
@MrsDocHorrorShow: Thanks for your honesty! I felt like I should come back to the thread and update.
I sat down and spoke with FI about the stress of the wedding, and how it was everything I didn’t want. He supported me 100% and he said he wanted me to have the wedding I was most happy with, and that he would be with me on it no matter what, it was a relief to hear. I guess seeing me really upset and crying made him realize how unhappy I really was. I should have been assertive in the beginning, and we had a good talk about being vocal in the relationship about what I want to, so talking about the wedding really opened the lines of communication and we had a great heart to heart.
We went back on forth on some ideas, and we finally decided on a very small intimate wedding in Niagara on the Lake. It’s a beautiful small town just outside Niagara Falls on the Canadian side, and just over an hour away from home. Were inviting 18 guests, our parents, siblings and closest friends.
I finally feel happy about wedding planning and excited. I can see exactly how I am getting married, and I for once have no doubts about it at all.
Post # 12
Sounds like a perfect solution for the situation. I hope it is wonderful and beautiful and you are happy. Being happy is the most important part.
Post # 13
Congratulations! I’m glad you got your voice heard.
Post # 15
@Future_Ms.Bostonceltics: Sounds beautiful! I lived in the Buffalo-area for 7 years (just moved to Rochester), and that area is gorgeous!
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
Good for yo!u! What a nice compromise.