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...and have a court wedding. I am Catholic and have the Church and venue picked, paid deposits on a bunch of stuff like photographer, the menu picked, my BM's dresses, the cake....but something doesn't feel right. I want to marry my fiance sooooo bad, that's all that matters right? I am not that young anymore. I am 37. And I lost my Mom last Christmas. I miss her so much and it just won't be the same without her at my wedding. My Dad is paying for most of it. (Sorry, all of it and he really can't afford it, but insists anyway)....BUT....aside from all that, I am not myself anymore. Wedding planning has made me feel fine. F*cked up-Insecure-Neurotic-Emotional = FINE. I just want to be me again and marry the love of my life. Should I rack up all the courage I have in the world and start telling everyone what I REALLY want? I know FI just wants to marry me too. He has been so supportive, it's incredible. (Well, not really, I guess, that's what love is, right? :) His mom will freak ! (no, she's not paying for ANY of the wedding). My family might not understand, but they just want me to be happy and I am NOT happy. I have so many beautiful ideas for my wedding but something just doesn't feel right. Can I still wear my beautiful dress to court to get married? Please help. I am crying 24/7 and about to lose it completely. I am just so scared to bring this up to my family. I don't want everyone to really question how I am feeling, because I'm not sure my Italian-Catholic family will REALLY understand. Today was absoultely nighmare-ish. I had the worst day and yet was forced to stay at work. So I am seeking help here. How can I word my new wedding wishes to my family because frankly? FI family aren't paying, so they don't have ta say, or do they? Ps. Invites have NOT gone out yet.
Is your dad going to lose a lot of his money if you cancel? Is there any way that you can delegate so you can have some help with the planning and don't feel so stressed out?
Do it. Wear your gorgeous dress to the courthouse, check into a hotel, and enjoy your new husband. If your families are being difficult, I would ask for forgiveness rather than permission :) It's about you two, not everyone else.
Why don't you compromise and have a Catholic wedding in the church but only invite VERY close family. Then, if you want to celebrate afterward, you can just go to a nice restaurant. You and your family get the religious aspect of the wedding which is important.. but you don't have to worry about all the details/trouble/money that goes into a huge wedding with a big reception and lots of guests.
@ MissAsB - He won't lose a dime yet !
@ Moose1209 - It's a wonderful idea, but I didn't mention I can't wait until October. Or maybe cancel my Church wedding where it is booked now but try to find a new Church for sooner?
I am underestimating how I feel ladies, I feel on the verge of breaking down completely. :(
What is it that's stressing you out most about your wedding, and what can you do about it. It sounds like you have a lot of the big stuff done already - dresses, vendors, venues, etc - so maybe you just need to let more of the little stuff go? It gets so easy to spend days looking at a million different kinds of invitations or centerpieces and driving yourself nuts over which one is best, but if it really doesn't matter to either of you, can you try dropping things of your list and see how you feel? Call your florist and say "give me XX color centerpieces that cost XX dollars" and just give her total freedom to figure out what they look like? Can you buy the first set of invitations that fits your budget that you don't hate? It just seems like you've done so much work already, and if you're worried you'll regret not having a wedding (because your dad will lose money or your family will be sad) then maybe try ramping down your planning to a bare minimum. You can always decide to do the court wedding later if you're still stressed (and I'd totally vote for wearing your dress to the courthouse if you do!) Especially once you start looking at wedding blogs, it's easy to start obsessing over favors and out of town bags and escort cards, but you can still have a lovely wedding with your family without any of that.
If your dad won't lose anything and neither will anyone else - then what are you waiting for?!?
If you are not attached to the specific church I don't think you would have a problem finding a catholic church in your area that has an opening earlier than October! Esp if you limit the guest list to just close family you could have the wedding on a Friday night and you would have no problem getting a date in the near future!
I guess I'm not explaining myself :( It's not the wedding planning that is making me sad, it's the traditional style wedding that I don't want anymore, even though I am a traditional person and my ideas book looks FANTASTIC ! I guess what I am trying to say is that, I don't NEED the wedding/reception/bouqet toss type wedding and I'm wondering how NOT to break my family's heart. And if I bring it up and they seem ok with it at first, my family are the type who will talk about it over and over and over again wiith me. Maybe I am not over grieving my Mom? Because I feel like I couldn't handle the talking and I feel a little on the verge of a nervous break down.
Are you concerned that your family will be upset if you didn't get married in the church? Or because you didn't have a big blow out party?
@ Rachaelrobin - Thanks ! 
FI mom might never forgive us, but I like your answer !
You can absolutely wear your beautiful dress to a courthouse wedding, or small church ceremony. Invite the 5-10 people you really can't imagine not being there, then book a private room in a restaurant for after. If, afterwards, you find that you do want to celebrate with a lager group, have a big party for your first anniversary. But seriously, do not go through with a huge wedding if you don't want it. Weddings are for joy, not for making you cry all the time.
@ Moose 1209 - I'm concerned that they will think "I'm nuts". I went through all this trouble already and talk as if I am so excited about all my ideas (which I was, still am !) but, I dunno, "I am fickle, I am woman???" I just want to be married, like I Said, enjoy my new husband, get a little house and think about starting a family soon.
Go to the court house, wear your dress, have the party on your set date so you won't lose out on any of the deposites. The family will just have to get over it. Its not worth a nervous breakdown.
THANK YOU cincity75 because that's exactly what I'm starting to think today. Is all this worth sacrificing my emotional stability? (And thank you to everyone who says I should go for it. Can you tell what I'm leaning towards, haha?) I'm just scared. I am a tough cookie, but when it comes to my family??? I don't want to HURT ANYONE OR WORRY ANYONE !
Hey, I cross-posted with you, but I just want to reiterate the option of splitting up the wedding and a larger reception, if you think that would keep the peace with your extended family.
Oh well in that case... if they tell you that you're nuts you tell them to shut their faces. You're allowed to change your mind about what you want! Given that you are so far out and all deposits can be recovered, you're not hurting any one by changing anything (my answer to you would be different if you were a month out from your wedding with invitations in the mail). Just calmly tell both parents that after further discussion your fiance and you have changed your vision of what you want... they should want you to be happy on your wedding day.
Bit of background
My family is 6 hours away in another City, FI's is 20 minutes away.
My family is SUPER close and loving. His? Um, not so much!!!
I am not "a young princess bride" anymore and my parents got married with 26 men present and lasted 43 years. It can be done lol !
I am not THAT concerned what his mom says. Like I said, she is not paying for ANY of it so too bad !
I think a large part of this is that you had this traditional big wedding in your mind, and your mother was there with you through it all. I am so sorry for your loss, but I am sure she would want you to be happy and have the day of your dreams - regardless of whether that day is small and intimate, at the courthouse, or a big church wedding.
If your dad is not going to lose any money, then really the choice is open to whatever you want it to be.
What do you really want?? Think about it. Cry about it. Take a few deep breaths. Then make it happen. You WILL be happy and married. :)
I know someone who had a quickie wedding and then later on went and had it blessed by a priest in a simple ceremony in a catholic church. Maybe this could be a compromise that would satisfy your family?
My dad died in November, so can sympathize with the confusing intermixing of grieving & normal wedding stress. There are times that I don't know what's up and what's down. I'm seeing a grief therapist, but we also spend a lot of time talking about the wedding. It's helpful to have someone who can help separate the emotions and help me cope.
Best of luck!
@ dance. Thank you. You are so so right. However, there is one more thing I haven't told you lovely ladies. I am living with FI before marriage and the guilt is DESTROYING ME ! I always said I would NEVER live with anyone before marriage, but he was so wonderful and I was right ha ha ! So missing my Mom, wanting to stop living in sin and everything else going on = let's just make it official and live happily ever after. ??? This has got to be the most important decision of my life. (Aside from agreeing to marry my soul mate ;)
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way... Remember, this is YOUR and your FI's day: do whatever makes you both happy! And, of course, wear your beautiful dress! Sending you lots of hugs!!!
I think that your heart is in the right place, and if it is a courthouse wedding that you want, I don't see any problem in doing so. All anyone wants to do is marry their FI, and if you don't want the big lavish traditional wedding, I vote to just skip it. It is yours and your FI's big day, and it should be your way. Just apologize to your dad, but make sure that you decide to opt out way before the deposit is due so he doesn't lose any money.
Good luck!
If it's want you really want, then do it! You could potentially be convalidated later.
Also, I live with my Fiance as a roommate, we sleep in separate rooms...if that's the issue bothering you, could you try that?
Thank you girls ! Turns out, just venting with it with FI for 3 hours, has ALREADY made me feel better ! I am leaning towards the NON-traditional wedding. Will keep you posted !
I am a FMIL. If you were my daughter, I would want you to be honest and do what is right for you. All the extras are not what makes a marriage. If youand your FI feel right about a JOP then please do it. You can wear your beautiful dress, have special people at your side, and make a commitment to your future husband. That is what counts.
Please don't be pressured into something that is not right for you.
((((Hugs))) I wish I could hug you in person.
I didn't sleep a wink. My tummy hurts and I don't want to go to work but I have to. I have to resolve this soon :(
Sudslover, thank you for an input from a FMIL. So far, everyone is telling me to follow my gut. So what's stopping me???
Be true to yourself and have the wedding you want. I know my FMIL would have loved for us to have a huge Catholic/Italian wedding but when I told her what I really wanted was a destination wedding she gave us both a big hug and said as long as we were happy with it she was happy. And she has been AWESOME about it, helping us, etc. Your FMIL might surprise you too. ;)
Bottom line:
Reception at the hall: $ 5000 or more for a bunch of people we don't talk to and have offered us no support and his parents? No monetary OR emotional support.
Reception at a restaurant? Maybe $1000, intimate, with immediate family and wedding party there and whoever wants to show up, can. It's a public place, right?
It is about committing ourselves before God in front of family and friends and living happily ever after. Not the stress that is happening now and big fat waste of money.
I think I decided ladies, but will I look silly in my wedding dress at a restaurant evne if it is a fancy restaurant? No, I don't want to change into something else. I want to get the most out of that dress ! haha !
You won't look silly in your dress at a restaurant! We are having an afternoon wedding and serving lunch lake-side afterwards. We plan on going out to dinner with our wedding party and parents later that night, and I'm surely going to wear my dress! You may want to look into a restaurant that has a small private dining room that you and your dinner party can use. It would be quieter and more intimate that way. That's what we are doing. Good luck!
Okay. Found a beautiful venue http://www.cabottos.com/functions.htm and my Church just told me they can move me up to September 11 @ 230 rather then October 30. My fiance and I are excited about this and my sister is offering her support 100 %. The only thing I need to do is talk to my Dad. Wish me luck? Thank you ladies for being so wonderful.
It is your day and you should do whatever you really want. Don"t have nay regrets!
I DID IT ! I JUST TALKED TO MY DAD AND BROTHER ON THE PHONE FROM WORK AND I DID IT ! My new wedding date is September 11, 2010 and my venue is gorgeous ! Thanks for all your support bees ! I'm sure I'll have tons of questions to answer and we still have to deal with FMIL (oh boy!) but I can feel the stress lifting already !!!
I am happy to hear you are doing what you want and feeling better abut the situation! Since you are still having a wedding (although in a smaller capacity), I wouldn't worry about your FMIL. She should be happy that she will be there to witness the wedding. Keep us updated!
Bee Bee--
Glad it is going to work out. And as much worry as you put into the fear from your family, see none of it was worth it. Your family will stand behind you in whatever you want. That means if you want to go and get married at a courthouse this week and do the whole wedding in the church in September I am sure they will be thrilled.
Glad to hear the weight has been lifted off your shoulders, now go and enjoy that boy and have a good day at work, and maybe try and get some sleep, that might help ;)
@ Dance, THANK YOU ! I am in Canada too by the way ! And lol, you don't know her ! She is going to freak right out ! I'm a little worried for my fiance actually as she is not a very nice, loving person :(
Congrats! I was just reading through this thread & just saw your latest response. I'm so glad you talked it over with your Dad and your FI. I'm sure everything will be spectacular, you'll have a chance to honor your mother and you'll be able to have a wonderful wedding day!
Enjoy being surrounded by your family & people who love you - your FMIL will get over it.
@Bee Bee - Some people are crazy, I know! Even if she gives you grief over it, be happy in the fact that you are doing what YOU want. You won't regret this decision, even if she doesn't take it well, and you have a wonderful FI to spend your life with!
And as oboist said - go get some sleep! You are probably exhausted!
LOL...thanks again everyone, sleep should help. There's a whole new type of planning going to start soon, but now it actually feels like fun. I remember too when FI asked his mom for money for the wedding (she gave us zilch) and she said "no, cut corners", LOL -----Well, we cut corners ! I can't believe I get to be Mrs. Bee Bee even sooner !
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