(Closed) I want to change my MOH!!!

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you need to re-set your expectations. A MoH, like any bridesmaid, is not required  to do anything but show up at the ceremony.  She’s not required to do your DIY projects, pick up out-of-town guest, go to parties, none of that.

It does sound like she’s got some other issues if she won’t even find a way to pick her own mom up at the airport, but that’s neither here nor there, and really ought to be between the MoH and the Mother of the Groom. You shouldn’t be in the middle of this, nor should you be adding it to the list of “Why My MoH Sucks.”

We all hope and pray that our bridesmaids are excited for our weddings and willing to contribute, but most of the traditional things a bridesmaid/MoH does are out of love and kindness, as gifts, and not as obligation. So she’s not required to these things. Add the fact that you picked her because she is geographically close, and not because you are close friends, and it’s not a surprise that she’s not too eager to participate.

Personally, given the MoH’s relationship to your fiance, I think it would be a disaster to pull her out now. They will be brother and sister for the rest of their lives and you do not want that topic coming up as a fighting point over christmas dinner for the next 60 years. I would totally reset my expectations and just live with it, doing my own DIY or perhaps asking (not telling) other friends/family to pitch in as a favor.

Post # 5
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

@ricangen81:  If that’s your opinion, then I have a feeling you’re going to be sorely disappointed. It’s your wedding…it’s not your FSIL’s responsibility to do anything except show up, wear a dress and smile. Sorry…but that’s my opinion. 

Post # 6
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@fishbone:  total agree with this!

 

@ricangen81:  i think you are failing to remember that you CHOSE HER. Every bride chooses their MOH and BM’s, but they have no obligation to have to help with your DIY project, invites etc.

 

Post # 7
Member
5663 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t particularly agree with the school of thought that MOHs aren’t required to do anything but show up, but that’s another thread. I do agree that you cannot force them to or be mad if they don’t, help you with projects etc that frankly, no one but you cares about as the bride. Also, just because she isn’t helping doesn’t mean you should drop her. Do you not have other BMs you can lean on and get on board to help you? I was not the MOH in my childhood best friends wedding in December, but i did damn near everything. The MOH was her cousin who is young, broke, immature and just, a hot mess overall. In the end though it really doesn’t matter who has the title, she’s your MOH because the relationship with her is important to you, not because you have projects you need help with. Reach out to the other girls and accept the help you ARE given from your friends and family, and appreciate it.

Post # 8
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ricangen81:  Look, the wedding industry doesn’t care about your relationships with people, all they care about is making money off of you.  So don’t do something just because Hallmark has a card that says so or The Knot provided you with a list of DIY projects and said your MOH should help you out.  You need to lower your expectations.  She does NOT have to help you with DIY projects or address invites. If you need help, ask your FI – it’s his wedding too. 

I think it was very rude of you to ask her if she felt up to it.  It honestly sounds like you care more about what she can do for you than your actual relationship with her.  I’d be willing to be she picks up on your condescending attitude.  You seem to complain a lot that she doesn’t have enough money to spend on your day.

Also, why does she need to be with you all day before your wedding?  Sure it’d be nice to have her there, but she’s spending time with her family.  You can’t blame her for that.  You’ll have your other BMs for emotional support.  If you need help with vendors or anything else, hire a wedding coordinator.

I know you were hoping that she’d be more invovled but it doesn’t sound like she wants to be.  I think you should forcus more on creating a strong and healthy relationship with your FSIL and take the wedding out of the equation.  Maybe ask her out for drinks or coffee and just chat.  Hopefully, once you start taking an interest in her life, she’ll want to take an interest in yours. =)

 

Post # 9
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OP, I’m sorry but I agree with the other ladies. It’s a shame that you’re feeling hurt, but she is not required to shuttle people from the airport for you, or to do DIY projects just because you want her to.

It sounds to me like she’s trying to be reasonable…she couldn;t afford a dress, so she’s having one made. She is helping all of HIS side of the family get ready for the wedding, knowing, I’m sure, that you will have all your girls there with you.

I think you need to try to meet her halfway here, and be mindfull of her situation. If she has no job, and can’t afford the gas etc to pick up her mother then why don’t you offer her your car and money for gas? Then you don’t have to take the day off….

 

Post # 10
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@ricangen81:  I can see how you would be a little disappointed in your MOH if you had certain expectations of what her role should be in your wedding. I also agree with PPs that they shouldn’t be *required* to do anything for your wedding – but I think everyone could admit a little help from someone in that role would be nice!

It sounds like there are definitely some financial struggles, so you can’t really fault her for that. And maybe she isn’t as proactive as you would like about asking if you need any help, but maybe you could ask her for some? Next time you are doing a project, why not give her plenty of notice and ask if she would like to hang out and assist you over some wine?

It sounds like your heart was in the right place in asking her to be your MOH, but if the relationship was not there before your wedding doesn’t magically change it. I say give her the benefit of the doubt and the opportunity to contribute in ways that don’t involve $$. Who knows? She may be more on your team than you thought.

Post # 12
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You asked How should i feel? Should I even care?, and people told you what they thought.

There’s no need to be so defensive. People didn’t agree with you. That’s what happens when you give a bunch of strangers a snapshot of a situation and ask what they think.

Post # 13
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@ricangen81:  Nobody did a single thing to plan my wedding beside my DH and myself. It is not anbody elses responsibilty to do anything besides show up. I am not sure where you ever got the idea that everyone else has people helping them, but it is not the truth. Time to move on from this idea and finish planning the wedding.

Post # 14
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It was my and my DH’s wedding…so we did all the planning. I can’t even fathom asking someone else to send out my invites for me, I would of felt horribly entitled. I paid for my MOH’s dress and she didn’t help with the planning, and that was okay with me. I asked for to be my MOH because of my relationship with her, not because I thought she would do things for me.

Sorry you’re not getting the answers you want here, but you should probably consider that if like 90% of the people here disagree with you, you need to re-think your mindset rather than just getting upset and defensive and saying you’re right. If you’ve already decided that you’re right for being upset and it doesn’t matter what anyone says…why ask for advice about whether or not you should care? I think you should consider this – if your expectations were in line with most of the brides on this board, you wouldn’t be upset right now.

Post # 15
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think the mistake here is picking her to be a MOH because she convient and local. She clearly uninterested in helping you, and to be honest I do think some of the things you expect is a bit much.  

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