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Am currently having a similar experience and also don't know what to do... I want to cut her out but I don't want to damage the relationship. I don't know how to even bring it up! I guess I just regret asking her, altogether.
I know what you mean. I have a friend..one of my best friends actually...who I feel never really is all that interested in the wedding and it frustrated me a lot in the beginning. BUT then I realized-she is at a different stage in her life and I'm not sure she does it to be rude or if it is just the person she is. I suggest to bring up the wedding and see how she responds. This is what I started to do-bring up little tid bits of the wedding planning and then she seems to be somewhat interested. lol...but what I also did was focus more on the other girls in the party that do want to be involved with the planning and do want to hear all about it. It is a very exciting time, but at the same time-your friend may not see it the same way. As for my friend...she does frustrate me, but I know she doesn't intentionally act the way she does to hurt my feelings..and I do want her by my side on my big day. I think it just really depends on you and how you feel and your relationship as of right now. but I would def suggest you talking to her a bit more before ruling her out because she may not even know she is coming across the way she is. Let us know what you decide either way! =)
It sounds like she is probably young (I'm guessing early-to-mid 20's) and in a totally different place than you. Don't be offended. A lot of times younger brides have bridesmaids that aren't at the same stage and just don't relate. Therefore they aren't likely to be the people that say "what can I do" or "how can I help?" This bridesmaid isn't thinking about getting married or the responsibilities that come along with being a bridesmaid (much less the responsibilities that come along with being married!), she is thinking about going out and partying and hooking up. BUT it doesn't mean she doesn't want to support you. When I was young, single and in a wedding, my thoughts weren't necessarily "what can I do for you" but instead "is there an open bar" and "are there going to be cute, single guys there?"......Ha! I'm sure she loves you just as much as your other bridesmaids. She is probably just in a different place in life.
Casanova, have you told your friend candidly how you feel? I think it's time to be frank with her and tell her what sort of things you expect from her as a bridesmaid. Perhaps even send her links like the bridesmaid site on The Knot. There's a very good chance that she doesn't even know what a bridesmaid actually does other than wear a dress on the wedding day. If she gets upset, you can tell her that she has a choice of either continuing to be a bridesmaid or not. Hopefully she can be mature and either respect what you ask of her or bow out of being a bridesmaid without being exceptionally hurt over it.
I chose my bridesmaids because I love them as people. They all live far away and when I talk to them, sometimes we talk about the wedding and sometimes we don't. More often, we don't. I want them to stand by my side when I get married but I don't care beyond that what they do or don't do for me. Maybe try to look at it that way. You chose her because she is an old friend originally, right? You didn't choose her so she would be working for you.
Apparently there is a wide range of expectations when it comes to BMs. The traditional view is that a BM is there to help you actually prepare for the wedding, not merely show up the day of and stand by your side. At the very least, they should be at least interested and hopefully share your excitement. Two of my BMs are young and have never been in weddings before and apparently think all they need to do is show up and frankly, if I had known how little they would be involved in the planning, I would have never asked them. I think BMs should at least show some emotional support.
I completely understand your sadness with this situation. But as others have noted, the root cause of the problem is that your single bridesmaid is in a completely different place in her life and she doesn't undrerstand what you are going through. If you cut her as a bridesmaid, you may lose her as a friend forever and you will have to deal with a lot of questions and gossip. I would suggest that you just try to depend upon your more interested bridesmaids and friends for support.
Thanks everyone.
Please understand that I'm not looking for my bridesmaids to "work" for me. I understand they have a lot going on in their own lives. I'm doing all the wedding related projects myself, and I dont expect the next year to revolve around the wedding. That's just insane! I really just want to know that they're there for me and WANT to be supportive and involved.
This particular bridesmaid is 22. Yes she's young, but c'mon.....my wedding is becoming an oppotunity for her to find a new guy to hook up with? The last few times we've gotten together, I didn't bring up the wedding at all...not a word. I listened intently to what was going on in her life, offered advice when she asked, and encouraged her.
I wont but her out of the wedding party, I dont want to hurt her....I'm just frusturated...
Its sounds a little to me like maybe your friend is looking for a mate to settle down with? Perhaps, while she is happy for you, she is a little jealous that you are getting married and got to that point in your life. There are two things that make people get "the fever" very quickly. Thats having a baby and weddings. Once you witness the joy and planning of either one of those, its hard not to want it too.
I'm sorry I know it is frustrating when someone is not involved in your wedding planning. I too have one bridesmaid that is in town and not particularly involved. I can say for mine, she is quite younger and pretty wrapped up in her "oh so hard busy life". She does not work, goes to college and lives with her parents...but whatever. I've invited her to functions and she's turned me down. I truly think if she could have she would have gone though. I still would not nix her from the wedding day even if that is the next time I see her. The way I see it, I have girls that will give me strength and encouragement, make me laugh, or share in my joy with me and even shed a tear or two with me. She is one of those that will totally do that for me.
As someone else suggested, maybe concentrate more on the bm that are conscious of your wedding needs.
Well just delegate stuff for her to do and soon she ll realize that its ALLL ABOUT YOU! and maybe she ll drop out on her own, also tell her, I know you re single but please don t hook up with anyone at the wedding its a familt function.
I like what the pps have said. And I like that you've decided not to kick her out.
While she isn't being the perfect BM, she's human. She's in a different place. Whether she's really just looking to hook up, or she's jealous, or (do to your impending nuptials) she's considering a real relationship.... I think it would behoove you both, for you to just try to let it go. I don't think she's done anything bad enough to be kicked out. And I don't think you can really try to police what your guests do at your wedding. IF she wants to hook up with a groomsmen, what can you do to stop her? She could do that even as just a guest. I suppose you could go as far as not inviting her at all. But that would be a little harsh, and probably not worth ruining a relationship.
Miss Casanova -- I totally know how you feel! It's not that you want them to work for you or just listen to you go on and on about your wedding -- you want to feel like your BMs, your closest friends, are genuinely excited and happy for you, and are *somewhat* interested in what's going on. I'm going through something similar with my wedding party -- one of my MOHs is awesome and amazing and everything you want in a best friend and bridal party member, and another one of my BMs has been really great too. The rest -- eh...totally not there, disinterested, and I haven't spoken to one of my BMs in months (even though I've called, texted, and emailed her to hang out). It's not even that she's not interested in the wedding -- I understand that my wedding is not the most important thing to anyone else, but she's just been a crappy friend lately. I'm pretty much expecting her to drop out of the bridal party.
Although people say that a lot of BMs just don't know what's expected of a BM, I think it's just about being a good friend. It doesn't mean that they have to ask me every day what's going on with the wedding (I do not want to talk about it every day, either!), or be super interested in wedding colors and flowers, but...just be a friend. Be supportive and there!
Try not to take it too personally with your BM -- she sounds like she's at a different stage in her life and may just be a little clueless about all of this. If it continues to bother you, I would definitely sit down and talk with her. It's so crazy how weddings bring out different emotions and sensitivities in everyone! Good luck!
Buttons - you totally nailed it! That's EXACTLY how I feel :)
Glad I'm not alone!
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I feel absolutely horrible. One of my bridesmaids is a girl I've been friends with since higschool. As we've both gotten older, we aren't as close as we were, but we still talk. I always told her she'd be in my wedding...and I truly did want her there...at first.
Right after I asked her, she asked about how many single groomsmen were going to be there. We've gotten together for lunch or dinner a few times over the past few weeks, and the conversation is ALWAYS about her latest hookup or old boyfriends who "want her back". I've made it a point not to be wedding crazy, and I'm doing a great job. But would it kill her to ask about the planning...or if I need any help? I'm worried about her ending up in a closet with one of my guests!! Or her spending my day talking about herself...
I have other bridesmaids who are in San Diego, Las Vegas, Boston, and NYC who have been more supportive and shown more excitement then she has. I'm not sure if I actually want her spending that special day with me. Anyone have a similiar experience?? Advice??