(Closed) I want to demote my MOH to a bridesmaid……

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1433 posts
Bumble bee

Although my MOH was amazing, the role of the MOH is to simply be there to stand next to you the day of the wedding. It has nothing to do with what kind wedding helper she has been during the wedding planning process. Because she lives 4 hrs away and can’t help out a lot doesn’t make her any less of a friend. Ask yourself why you asked her to be your MOH in the first place. She obviously is an important person and has been there for you in the past, and after your one day is over she will probably be there for you in the future. I think “demoting” her will just cause more problems than it’s worth. Let her stand next to you and say a speech and if you feel the other girl is very important in your life, not just in the wedding planning process than allow her to be  co-maid of honor. 

Post # 4
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

If she continues to force her guest on you, then you should demote her because on your wedding day,as your maid of honor, no date should come before you. She really needs to prioritize. Considering that you didn’t give her many planning duties, the least she could do is support you on your day whole heartedly.

Post # 5
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee

@FutureMrs.Maughn:  I agree with this. I just demoted my MOH and left her the decision whether or not she wanted to stay in the bridal party. Mine lied to me about stupid stuff and I felt really disrespected as I have never asked for anything.

Post # 6
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Being a MOH isn’t a ‘job’ you can be demoted from, it is an honor that this person is standing up for you.

While it does seem unreasonable for her to push her guest on you, in reality wedding party members should be given a plus one, so I understand where she is coming from.

If she cannot get into town until late the night before or early the next morning, well, that is just what will happen.

Different friends will be able to contribute different amounts of time to our weddings, and their contributions should be left up to them.  Just because someone is going above and beyond the call of duty that does not mean we should give them a new title – how would that make the current maids of honor feel? 

 

Post # 7
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@meanttobee:  While I agree with most everything futuremrsfitz18 shared, there is the point that your current MOH sure sounds like she wants out. She called you saying had she not purchased the dress she would drop out of the wedding because she feels she hasn’t been there for you…almost as though she was waiting for you to say something like, “You know, that’s true. Just come as a guest.” When that didn’t work for her, she tried tactic #2: come to town the day of the wedding or the night before the wedding. And to top it all off? Tactic #3: She gave you an ultimatum about inviting her guy. My guess is you are hearing about all of this from her at this late stage in the planning process because she is floundering. So for someone that is supposed to simply be standing there for you, she sure comes with a couple of conditions now.

Further, though the MOH may have a good reason, to even consider traveling and coming into town the day of or the day before a wedding is poor planning and tells me something else is up. Waiting to travel that late leaves too much risk for something to go awry and the MOH to be absent, late, or otherwise frazzled sliding in at the last minute. Doing so doesn’t sound like she would be in a position to really be present with you and for you, even that close to the wedding date itself.

“She gave me an ultimatum that if I dont invite the guy she has been trying to get with (they have just started talking a few months ago) that she will not be able to come until the day of the wedding.”

Huh? I don’t understand her logic here. How exactly does his attendance effect her arrival time? Does she mean that if he is not invited she will therefore stay with him as long as possible before traveling for your wedding at the last minute? WTF?

It would be one thing if it was a work matter or she was needed at someone’s bedside or whatever, and couldn’t get away until the last minute. Sure, that’s understandable. However, in the context of everything else you are sharing here it sounds like she has a choice of when she can come, dangling her earlier presence before you, balancing it all on whether or not this guy will be invited or not. If she really cared about the honor of simply standing there with you on your wedding day, this guy wouldn’t be a factor in her decision-making.

So, I would call her and tell her you’re checking in and do so in a very loving way. You might say that you love her dearly and you’re getting the vibe from her that she would rather not be in the bridal party/MOH. If she asks why you say because of the dress comment and the travel issues and the guy. This has nothing to do with how much she has helped you make favors or whatever but rather what you are sensing directly from her. You would still love to have her stand with you, and you just want to make her happy to do so and not feel pressured or obligated. At which point she has the choice of either saying, “No, no! I would love to be in the bridal party/MOH. I don’t mind at all!” or “You know, you’re right I have been feeling a little uncertain and maybe it is best.” This way, you put it to her to express herself and not have it be an “I’m demoting you” session.

 

Post # 8
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Cornflakegirl:  this +1

I hate the idea of “demoting” anybody and agree with the poster who said that being an MOH is not a job! It’s an honor.

That said, it does sound like she wants out. I can’t believe she would tell you that she’d drop out of the wedding had she not already purchased her dress. I 100% agree with Cornflakes though. Give her a call and have an honest discussion (don’t email or text…pick up the phone!) about things. Leave the ball in her court to make the final decision. It sounds like she is giving you plenty of reasons to suspect she wants out but doesn’t know how to truly express that.

Post # 9
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

@Cornflakegirl:  exactly.

the issue isn’t about how much she has or hasn’t helped.  it’s clearly about vibes you’re getting from her regarding it.  talk to her and if she wants an out, then give it to her.  on your wedding day, you want to be surrounded by people who want to be there for you, not someone who is feeling put upon

Post # 11
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think that being MOH is an honour but it also comes with some responsibilities. The bride can’t organize every last thing and is definitely going to need help on the day. The MOH should be a supportive friend at the very least. I do agree with those that say it sounds like the MOH wants out. It was pretty obvious from what she was saying about the dress and arriving late, I do think it is unreasonable to give an ultimatum about the +1 so close to the wedding when she has had years to ask for a guest. I say, have an honest, but kind talk with her and let her be honest with you. You will probably both be happier in the long run. 

Post # 12
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Meh…drop her like a bad habbit….

I am in a bad mood today and am not feeling sympathetic to anyone.

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