Post # 1
Ok, where to start? Our families are very different and we both have realised a traditional wedding with 100+ guests is never going to work for us. We both hate fuss and I dread the thought of being centre of attention. I’ve had a few complications with my dad lately as you can read from my previous posts if interested. So I’m even more determined to elope. But FI would rather have a very small ceremony with immediate family and their spouses.
Problem is, I really don’t get on well with his SIL, and the thought of having her there while members of my family (aunts, uncles and cousins) who I love are cut out just makes me sad and incredibly guilty.
Where to draw the line is proving to be impossible to figure out because we’d be at risk of having lots more guests than we want.
I’ve suggested eloping and having a reception when we come back, but he wants his parents to be there. I want him to be happy, but with such a complicated family on my side (divorced and re-married parents, dad’s side of family are conservative, anti-drink etc etc) I don’t know how we can work around it.
Good luck to anyone who can suggest a solution! Lol.
Post # 3
You could offer a small ceremony with just parents, no siblings? We had a small ceremony planned in less than 3 weeks, so we had parents and siblings with their SOs. I get along fine with all of them, so it wasn’t that big of a deal for us. But sometimes you just have to deal with immediate family even if you don’t like them.
Post # 4
@dancingriss: we would, but I’ve a young brother and it’d break my heart if he wasn’t there but my parents were 🙁
Post # 5
Have a ceremony with just family (parents/siblings/spouses), then jet off to your luxurious honeymoon!
Post # 6
I get the impression from my dad that he’d be “very disappointed” if it wasn’t in a church. I would like a religious ceremony but not necessarily in a church, especially for such a small wedding. We aren’t regular church goers either. My view on “the church” has been pretty damaged in the past.
Post # 7
I think you should just accept that you’re not going to have your ideal wedding, and go from there.
Once you realize that hey, at the end of the day you’ll be married, and it won’t be perfect, you can probably let go of a lot of the worries you have.
I’m in a similar boat. I wanted to elope… but we’re not. My family guilted me into doing something involving them. I am sure it’ll still be fun (parts of it anyway), but it’s not my ideal situation. I am not sure there is such a thing as a perfect wedding.
It’s just one day out of the rest of our lives together. I can suck it up for an evening. So can you.
I suggest doing the parents/siblings thing and limiting it to that. Don’t get married in a church if you don’t feel it’s right. Your dad can suck it up too.
Post # 8
@supergirl88: Given your view on church, then it doesn’t matter one bit what your father wishes you would do! You are paying for it yourselves right?
Have the small wedding with parents/siblings/SO’s, take them all to dinner, then take off for your honeymoon! Keep it really simple, don’t get bogged down in too many details for a small wedding.
Post # 9
I am in your boat; I also wanted to elope and my fiance wanted a wedding.
It does sound to me like there might be some people you actually want at a wedding (like your younger brother). And sure, there are going some people you *don’t* want there. My fiance’s mom and I don’t get along spectacularly, and sure, there’s definitely part of me that thinks “ugh” at the idea of her being there and judging me for taking away her baby boy. I also have the divorced parents who have new partners and there is going to be some awkwardness from that.
But if a wedding is important to your fiance, you’ll have to work out a compromise, even if it means inviting some people you don’t want there. What has helped me through this process is realizing that there are some totally kickass people I now *do* get to invite because we’re having a wedding and not just eloping. Do you have a couple really close friends whom you can talk to about this? Appoint them to keep you sane on your wedding day, to drag you away from people you’d rather not see, to tell you a thousand times you look beautiful. Having people there whom you LOVE will really help you deal with those whom you’d rather not see.
And remember, it’s just one day, but your marriage will last a lifetime. Don’t worry about having a dream day or a day that looks like anything special, just do your best to plan something that will make you happy (or as happy as you can be under the circumstances), and be sure to hold your new husband’s hand a lot. It’ll be okay – maybe even fun. 🙂 Good luck.
Post # 10
@supergirl88: I posted on this exact same thing last year! Here’s that thread!
We ended up eloping on a cruise and having the small dinner for family and friends afterward. It was perfectly fine, fun and affordable. Everyone had a good time. Yes. my parents were a little upset that I wasn’t married in the church, and my mom especially that she didnt witness the ceremony, but no one is going to be pleased all of the time. As long as we’re footing the bills, we’re paying the cost to be the boss!
Post # 11
I wanted to elope, DH wanted to elope, but his mother wanted us to have a wedding. I gave in to DH because he didn’t want his mother to resent us but in turn I now resent him.
We compromised – we had a mostly family only wedding. The only non-family members were my IL’s neighbors who were secretly invited behind my back. Oh goodness did I get mad! Also, his mom [paid for and planned at least 90% of the wedding because I refused after too many, “I don’t care, do whatever you want”s from DH because the person who REALLY didn’t care was me.
I don’t think you can avoid having the SIL there, sorry. Say immediate family only and stick with it. Do not open it up to aunts, uncles, and cousins.
Sorry, no one will be 100% happy with the outcome. I still resent DH for making me go through with a wedding like that even though I wanted to elope and it’s been four months.
Post # 12
I should stress I wouldn’t not invite his SIL if we had a family wedding. I wouldn’t do that to her despite our differences, and certainly wouldn’t want to upset FI. So it’s definitely not even a consideration to not invite her.
I promise I’m not that mean a person 🙂
Post # 13
We’re actually doing both! We’re having a private ceremony-slash-honeymoon in Europe and coming home and doing a City Hall wedding with 12 close family members to make it official (sooooo much paperwork involved with getting married in a foreign country, especially one in the EU, as an American).