I want to elope or at least have a small wedding, he doesn't

posted 2 years ago in Elopement
Post # 2
Member
1062 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Sorry, I’m not help, but I had to suck it up and opt for the larger wedding. I wanted to elope as well b/c I just have no interest in throwing a large party and putting on a smile for a bunch of people I see less than a handful of times per year. 

Can you hire a wedding planner so you don’t have to deal with it as much? Also, you can have FI do more planning since he’s the one that wants the bigger wedding. 

Post # 3
Member
13 posts
Newbee

You can do a closed ceremony, so only the people you couldn’t imagine not being there. Since this number will be small 10-20 ppl (or however many you choose) you won’t need many (or any) bridesmaids/groomsmen. Just send out invitations for the reception for those not invited to the ceremony. This way you still get the intimate ceremony you want and he gets the big party he wants. Hope this helps.

Post # 4
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I agree that  you have to suck it up. This is one day and it will go a long way to making your FI happy. I say it’s worth it. You don’t have to spend a bajillion. My wedding was about 90 people and it didn’t seem that big at all.

You don’t have to hide, either. You can smile and be polite and then go sit with the people you know and feel comfortable with. If you discuss it with him prior, your FI should be ok with that if it makes you more at ease.

Post # 5
Member
14 posts
Newbee

I had the same issue.  I wanted to elope.    Then we compromised on a 100 person wedding.    At this point we are at almost 200 people.  I am not happy this is such a hoopla and I resent every task and grumble when I need to make appointments with florists and caterers.  But I love my fiancee and this makes him so happy and I think that I am doing this for him because I know down the line he will compromise and would do something for me.

Post # 6
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

As someone who is like you (more of a homebody than a social butterfly) and I’m dating a social butterfly as well who also happens to be from a culture where they celebrate EVERYTHING, I understand what you mean and how you feel because up until I met my BF, I wanted 100 people max. at my wedding and even that was too much but I didn’t want to be unrealistic, thinking he didn’t have extended family he was close to.

I’m also a Certified Wedding Planner and in this case, I would advise my client to sit down with the parents on both sides and the FI to discuss the compromise.  Usually, everyone writes down the list of people they want to invite (with a maximum number of people to be invited in mind) and they bring each person’s list to the table so there are four lists in total.  The common people on more than one list are added to invite list A while the people only on one list are on invite list B.  If list A gets filled up right away, then you have your invite list and you shouldn’t have any issues with knowing them or not because those people are those whom you’ve met before.  Any that you haven’t are going to be on list B.

In terms of the money, you need to decide how many people based on your budget first.  There is no sense of sitting down with the lists to invite 100 people when you can only afford 75 (which includes the bride and groom in that number). 

Regarding your FI’s “delusion” about your anxiety in large social settings, you need to talk to him more about it because you’re right that you’ll not enjoy your wedding day if he gets what he wants.  Both you and him need to realize that it’s BOTH of your day and you both need to compromise to make it memorable.  Your marriage will start off rocky if your FI has to explain to your guests that you are hiding in your parents bedroom.  Vice versa, you’ll resent him for not compromising with you about the amount (and who) of people invited.

In the end, you need to do this:

 – Both you and your FI need to decide the size and stick with it (while keeping your budget in mind)

– Make the lists and anyone whom you’ve never met or seen in 3 years are not going to be invited and that should be clear to everyone at the table

– Talk to your FI about your anxiety issues then you have to just be okay with the amount of people coming because you can’t not let him have some of his people at his wedding.  You can’t not be socializing with them either, it sends the message that you’re rude and down the road, it’ll be a sore spot for your FI.  Trust me on this one, my BF and I have had many arguments about this one and I finally realized that it’s my personal issue that I need to work on because he comes to all my family things… I should be doing the same for him.

Good Luck!

Post # 7
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

1. Come up ith a budget number you are comfortable with and stick to it. That will at least take the financial aspect out of it because it will be an amount that you feel is reasonable to spend.

2. If you really have no interest in planning and your FI is the driving force behind this, then he can plan it. You can take over the 1or 2 things that are actually important to you and he can do the rest. Why stress yourself out planning?

3. What is the root of your anti-big crowd issue? (BTW, I completyely understand being anti-big crowd.) Is it a social anxiety thing? A privacy thing? A large gathering anxiety thing? Maybe you can develop some techniques/behaviors/self-soothing mantras to help you address this piece and make it a more pleasant experience for yourself.

 

I’m weird in that I don’t mind being on stage giving a presentation to 1,000 people. Not even a little jitter. But put me in a crowded supermarket with people bumping into me or ask me to mingle with people I don’t know, and my heart starts racing, my hands get sweaty, and I have to use deep breathing techniques and a mantra in my head to control my “fight or flight” reaction. But I can control it. It may not be the most pleasant experience, but I can make it through with the outward appearance of poise, being pleasant to others the entire time. We had a 35 person guest list, really keeping it to our nearest and dearest, and it was a great experience. I was able to enjoy every moment of it ion a way that a 90 person guest list would not have allowed me to. Would I have done a 90 person list if it was that important to Mr. LK? Yes, probably. But fortunately he is a small gathering kind of person, too.

Post # 8
Member
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: TBD

Im in the same boat OP. I have no advice to offer because I’m fighting the same battle. But I totally relate to what you’re going through. its so frustrating! 

Post # 11
Member
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: TBD

axia08:  Well FI and I havent really started planning, we’re just calling it brainstorming. We created a tentitive guest list of just our families and it was over 90 people and of those I counted which ones I actually wanted there (slightly horrible, I know) and it was less than 30! I mean seriously, if we only want 1/3 of our “must invite” people there, what’s the point of doing the big traditional wedding? Of course FI doesnt see it that way lol. Ughhhhhh! I feel bad because I know it’s his day too, but I just cant imagine celebrating our wedding with people we havent seen in years nor that I think really care about our wedding more than as a free dinner and drinks. 

 

Post # 12
Member
1055 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Loft

axia08:  I feel so deeply for you. I had this exact thing happen. We were 3 months in to planning and finally FI saw what I was seeing. So we were able to compromise. We are having a small cermony of 20 people then we leave 2 days later to elope to NY. Then in July of 2015 we are throwing a “celebration” for all our friends and family who weren’t invited to the intimate wedding. I just could’nt justify spending that much money on one day. Do what makes you happy, there will be less stress involved.

Post # 13
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee

Haha no problem.. I love answering questions for people!

Not sure where you’re from but I’d advise you hiring a day-of coordinator for the day of the wedding.  They’re not expensive as you’re hiring them for the last month (they need to know what’s going on for your wedding then they coordinate the day for you; they’re known as day-of, month-of coordinators) and it’ll take a lot of stress off your shoulders.  I’m even going to hire one just so I’m not a hot mess on my big day.

Post # 14
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I lost this battle. We are having a larger than I wanted wedding that is costing more than I think it should. ugh. haha 

Best of luck! 

Post # 15
Member
3702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

axia08:  I hear you. I didn’t want a wedding at all, just a trip to the courthouse, but my mother would kill me. I honestly don’t see any point in spending a bunch of money to entertain people I barely know and our families live very far apart so travel would be an issue as well. We’ve decided to do an ambush wedding of sorts. Our families are going to be together on Christmas, so we’re surprising them and getting married then, very low cost and low stress. We will probably have a larger party later for those that won’t be there. So, if you would rather throw an informal party and surprise your guests with a wedding, that is an option too!

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