Post # 1
I guess I don’t mean elope in the “just him and me sense” but I just want to get married with just a few loved ones around us (immidiate family and best friends). I don’t want the endless wedding planning headaches and sending invitations to people I don’t even know or like. I don’t want to worry about all my bridesmaids getting their crap together. I don’t want to worry about making other people happy. And I mostly don’t want to spend all of our hard earned money on one day.
Also, I’m a very private person. I guess it’s strange but I think it’s kind of tacky to share such a beautiful and intimate moment between FI and I with people I don’t really know. FI says he doesn’t want to offend his relatives, but seriously. Does his great aunt he sees every 3rd year really give a crap that one of her great nephews is tying the knot? Probably not because she has her own children/grand kids to worry about. Ugh.
FI is a social butterfly and on a good day I like being around 4 other people, max. My parents are ok with a super small wedding, his grandparents even tried to talk us into eloping. I think his mom and dad would be ok with it since of course they will be there no matter what.
Can you guys help me come up with a good compromise? I don’t want to take the whole “big day”aspect away from FI because god knows he wants to share it with everyone, but our guest list is pushing 90 and I don’t have the time or emotional capacity to deal with that and we certainly shouldn’t be spending that much money. And to be honest I can seriously just see myself hiding in my parents bed room during the reception (we’re having a brunch reception in my parents court yard) because there will just be too many people there, and isn’t that a fun time on my wedding day… I’ve talked to FI about all this but he thinks that I’m over exagerating and that if I just relax, I’ll have fun. I have no idea why he thinks that though, he knows how I am in big social settings. I think he’s just so excited about sharing this day with so many people that he’s deluded himself into thinking I’ll magically not be weird around a large group of people I don’t really know.
Ugh what happened to the days of getting married in your parlor with just a few witnesses? Am I just being the scrooge of weddings? I feel like a weirdo since I’m not going gaga over planning my wedding like most women, but I just don’t have it in me.
Post # 2
Sorry, I’m not help, but I had to suck it up and opt for the larger wedding. I wanted to elope as well b/c I just have no interest in throwing a large party and putting on a smile for a bunch of people I see less than a handful of times per year.
Can you hire a wedding planner so you don’t have to deal with it as much? Also, you can have FI do more planning since he’s the one that wants the bigger wedding.
Post # 3
You can do a closed ceremony, so only the people you couldn’t imagine not being there. Since this number will be small 10-20 ppl (or however many you choose) you won’t need many (or any) bridesmaids/groomsmen. Just send out invitations for the reception for those not invited to the ceremony. This way you still get the intimate ceremony you want and he gets the big party he wants. Hope this helps.
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I agree that you have to suck it up. This is one day and it will go a long way to making your FI happy. I say it’s worth it. You don’t have to spend a bajillion. My wedding was about 90 people and it didn’t seem that big at all.
You don’t have to hide, either. You can smile and be polite and then go sit with the people you know and feel comfortable with. If you discuss it with him prior, your FI should be ok with that if it makes you more at ease.
Post # 5
I had the same issue. I wanted to elope. Then we compromised on a 100 person wedding. At this point we are at almost 200 people. I am not happy this is such a hoopla and I resent every task and grumble when I need to make appointments with florists and caterers. But I love my fiancee and this makes him so happy and I think that I am doing this for him because I know down the line he will compromise and would do something for me.
Post # 6
As someone who is like you (more of a homebody than a social butterfly) and I’m dating a social butterfly as well who also happens to be from a culture where they celebrate EVERYTHING, I understand what you mean and how you feel because up until I met my BF, I wanted 100 people max. at my wedding and even that was too much but I didn’t want to be unrealistic, thinking he didn’t have extended family he was close to.
I’m also a Certified Wedding Planner and in this case, I would advise my client to sit down with the parents on both sides and the FI to discuss the compromise. Usually, everyone writes down the list of people they want to invite (with a maximum number of people to be invited in mind) and they bring each person’s list to the table so there are four lists in total. The common people on more than one list are added to invite list A while the people only on one list are on invite list B. If list A gets filled up right away, then you have your invite list and you shouldn’t have any issues with knowing them or not because those people are those whom you’ve met before. Any that you haven’t are going to be on list B.
In terms of the money, you need to decide how many people based on your budget first. There is no sense of sitting down with the lists to invite 100 people when you can only afford 75 (which includes the bride and groom in that number).
Regarding your FI’s “delusion” about your anxiety in large social settings, you need to talk to him more about it because you’re right that you’ll not enjoy your wedding day if he gets what he wants. Both you and him need to realize that it’s BOTH of your day and you both need to compromise to make it memorable. Your marriage will start off rocky if your FI has to explain to your guests that you are hiding in your parents bedroom. Vice versa, you’ll resent him for not compromising with you about the amount (and who) of people invited.
In the end, you need to do this:
– Both you and your FI need to decide the size and stick with it (while keeping your budget in mind)
– Make the lists and anyone whom you’ve never met or seen in 3 years are not going to be invited and that should be clear to everyone at the table
– Talk to your FI about your anxiety issues then you have to just be okay with the amount of people coming because you can’t not let him have some of his people at his wedding. You can’t not be socializing with them either, it sends the message that you’re rude and down the road, it’ll be a sore spot for your FI. Trust me on this one, my BF and I have had many arguments about this one and I finally realized that it’s my personal issue that I need to work on because he comes to all my family things… I should be doing the same for him.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
1. Come up ith a budget number you are comfortable with and stick to it. That will at least take the financial aspect out of it because it will be an amount that you feel is reasonable to spend.
2. If you really have no interest in planning and your FI is the driving force behind this, then he can plan it. You can take over the 1or 2 things that are actually important to you and he can do the rest. Why stress yourself out planning?
3. What is the root of your anti-big crowd issue? (BTW, I completyely understand being anti-big crowd.) Is it a social anxiety thing? A privacy thing? A large gathering anxiety thing? Maybe you can develop some techniques/behaviors/self-soothing mantras to help you address this piece and make it a more pleasant experience for yourself.
I’m weird in that I don’t mind being on stage giving a presentation to 1,000 people. Not even a little jitter. But put me in a crowded supermarket with people bumping into me or ask me to mingle with people I don’t know, and my heart starts racing, my hands get sweaty, and I have to use deep breathing techniques and a mantra in my head to control my “fight or flight” reaction. But I can control it. It may not be the most pleasant experience, but I can make it through with the outward appearance of poise, being pleasant to others the entire time. We had a 35 person guest list, really keeping it to our nearest and dearest, and it was a great experience. I was able to enjoy every moment of it ion a way that a 90 person guest list would not have allowed me to. Would I have done a 90 person list if it was that important to Mr. LK? Yes, probably. But fortunately he is a small gathering kind of person, too.
Post # 8
Im in the same boat OP. I have no advice to offer because I’m fighting the same battle. But I totally relate to what you’re going through. its so frustrating!
Post # 9
dojx: I really like being in charge of things, I’m naturally organized and prompt, FI is more free spirited but he loves helping with the planning, but we’ve started dividing up what is important to me, him, our familes etc so it’s not too bad, I’m just grumpy about the guest list lol
danayunglee: I wanted to do that but it’s important to him that everyone be there. And I think he’d be more upset about them missing it than I will be about them being there, so I guess I will suck it up haha
prahajess: Dani6602: Yeah, I want to make him happy and it’s important to him, so sucking it up it is haha
jessica.j.baron: That is a great idea for the invite list! We will def do that. Thanks for all the great advise as well! Please don’t hate me if I message you with a few questions, you sealed your own fate when you said you were a wedding planner. 😛 haha I am well aware how social anxiety/being shy comes off as being rude so I always make it a point to mingle at least a little bit. And it’s not so bad because FI never expects me to talk to people I don’t know without him, I guess I’m just worried because I’m dealing with wedding day nervousness, social anxiety, and worrying that everything is running smoothly all at once so I feel like I’ll be a hot mess.
lovekiss: I like the planning, I’m just mad about the amount of people we’re planning for. I love DIY and things like that, it just feels like the number of guests is taking the fun out of it. But between me, FI, and out families we’ve divided up the responsabilities pretty nicely, so I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. It’s just that the things I love doing (decorations and favors and invitations) are going to take ages since there will be more guests than I wanted. And it’s just a large crowd issue. I’m not shy in small gatherings, and I’m very talkative, but being around too many people just feels like a sensory overload. It makes me feel nervous and worn out. I will have to try what you suggested! 🙂
Post # 10
FutureMrsHodgy: Well then we can just commiserate but still be happy that we are making our FHs happy 🙂 How big is your guest list?
Post # 11
axia08: Well FI and I havent really started planning, we’re just calling it brainstorming. We created a tentitive guest list of just our families and it was over 90 people and of those I counted which ones I actually wanted there (slightly horrible, I know) and it was less than 30! I mean seriously, if we only want 1/3 of our “must invite” people there, what’s the point of doing the big traditional wedding? Of course FI doesnt see it that way lol. Ughhhhhh! I feel bad because I know it’s his day too, but I just cant imagine celebrating our wedding with people we havent seen in years nor that I think really care about our wedding more than as a free dinner and drinks.
Post # 12
- Wedding: December 2014 - Loft
axia08: I feel so deeply for you. I had this exact thing happen. We were 3 months in to planning and finally FI saw what I was seeing. So we were able to compromise. We are having a small cermony of 20 people then we leave 2 days later to elope to NY. Then in July of 2015 we are throwing a “celebration” for all our friends and family who weren’t invited to the intimate wedding. I just could’nt justify spending that much money on one day. Do what makes you happy, there will be less stress involved.
Post # 13
Haha no problem.. I love answering questions for people!
Not sure where you’re from but I’d advise you hiring a day-of coordinator for the day of the wedding. They’re not expensive as you’re hiring them for the last month (they need to know what’s going on for your wedding then they coordinate the day for you; they’re known as day-of, month-of coordinators) and it’ll take a lot of stress off your shoulders. I’m even going to hire one just so I’m not a hot mess on my big day.
Post # 14
I lost this battle. We are having a larger than I wanted wedding that is costing more than I think it should. ugh. haha
Best of luck!
Post # 15
axia08: I hear you. I didn’t want a wedding at all, just a trip to the courthouse, but my mother would kill me. I honestly don’t see any point in spending a bunch of money to entertain people I barely know and our families live very far apart so travel would be an issue as well. We’ve decided to do an ambush wedding of sorts. Our families are going to be together on Christmas, so we’re surprising them and getting married then, very low cost and low stress. We will probably have a larger party later for those that won’t be there. So, if you would rather throw an informal party and surprise your guests with a wedding, that is an option too!