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Is it really worth it to create drama over something like this? She's probably not going to be at your shower (so no snarkiness there), and you can start divesting yourself of her more and more... But sometimes I feel like "firing" bridesmaids ends up stooping to a level that was lower than whatever was done to warrant the firing.
We all have a choice when we ask girls to be in our wedding, and I feel like it is up to us to live with the choice that we make... but waving our weddings around like carrots and sticks... well, I don't know, it just doesn't feel right to me (unless there is a gravely extenuating circumstance).
See if you can take a few days and clear your head to make things better. I know this must be hard. Try and remember that snarkiness usually comes from a place of insecurity and see if that helps.
you know she's just jealous. all the passive-aggressive emails and snarkiness is her way of making herself feel better. its difficult not to take personally, but i would just distance myself from her. dont necessarily fire her, but dont include her in the planning, etc. then after the wedding, casually stop calling/emailing her...
I agree with doctorgirl. I'm in a similar situation for other reasons though. I have not really spoken to one of my bridesmaids (I only have 3) since the beginning of March when we had a falling out. We've since made up, but it's also clear to me that we're growing apart and will never be as close as we used to be. There have been times I've wanted to replace her with someone who knows what's going on and someone I talk to about the wedding and someone I know I can count on, but in the end, I asked her because we have a history and if I was to replace her, then there's no chance of us being friends ever again.
Ouch... I hear you! I had a friend like that, in fact she was my matron of honor for my own wedding a few years ago, lets call her "E". We had been "best friends" since freshman year of college, and she could be so sweet and nice and fun... but then on the other hand, she made me cry, ALOT. Just things she said to me to make me feel bad. I always felt like the lesser citizen, and I always gave into her. "What E wants, E gets". And she secretly scared the crap out of me, whenever she would get upset or not get her way. Oh, and the drama... her life was FULL of drama. UGH.
Anyways, last year I got to a point where I totally felt the same way you do now. I didn't want to be her friend. I was over the relationship. She was like poison. And so I cut her off... I wrote her a final email (yes, I am lame and ended the friendship via email, but I couldnt face her, too scary!). And then never looked back! I still think about her often - we had good times after all and were friends for 10 years. But I think I am so much better off now without the drama and all the angst that she brought. Unfortunatley she is in many of my group wedding photos, and while I don't "hate" her by any means, it just kinda brings me down to see so many reminders of her.
It sounds like your "friend" will not be a good friend to you on your wedding day. And what you need is positive energy around you... to be surrounded by people who love and support you and your hubby to be. I can't tell you what to do, but it sounds like you may have made up your mind. I think its a really brave thing to do to let go of a "toxic friend" and I know how tough it is... Good luck, regardless of what you decide!
Honey, I am about one inch away from firing ALL of my bridesmaids. They have been no help at all and are now whining about having to hurry up and get their dresses, despite the fact I have been bugging them for over a month to do so!
how much was the dress? and is it a dress that she will be able to wear more than just for a wedding? If so I would say don't worry about the dress, especially if you emailed her a while before she emailed you back.
I completely agree about "firing" her. You don't want to regret your wedding day, and it would be horrible if she did that to you. Let her know straight up that this is enough and you don't deserve what she's doing.
I'm sure you have a much more supportive and caring friend
I wish you the best of luck, keep us posted.
dude she sounds like a nightmare! I wouldn't be friends with her at all! I would never have a friend like this that makes comments ! I actually did have one and i just fired her! I was so done with her and her drama. She was a good person but she just thought she was better than everyone and I figured out that I don't need a person like that in my life. She really stressed me out!
Give her a check for the dress. Do you really see yourself friends with her later on?
I am somewhat uncomfortable dispensing direct advice, but.....FIRE HER!!! If your "friend" is like this now, then it's almost a given that she will show out in some form or fashion on your wedding day. Even if she doesn't make a public spectacle of herself, it is quite likely that she will say or do something that will push your buttons. Being a bride is already stressful enough, and even if you're not stressed, your emotions will already be peaked due to the occasion, so the last thing you need is a snarky BM. For some reason, weddings bring out some of the nastiest behaviors in people, and for someone who is already quite hateful, I wouldn't want to take the chance that she will go into overdrive on a day that should be about nothing else but love and celebration. In kind, you want to be surrounded by those who love you and wish you and your FH well. I had a LOT of issues with my MOH whom I've been friends with for 15 years. She isn't exactly what I call snarky, but she is very sarcastic. It usually doesn't bother me, and when it does I let her know. She has been a good friend, so it's not as if she's a hateful person, but for some reason, her unhappiness manifested itself during our wedding. We have since started talking again, but I often think about how she acted and it hurts me and sometimes makes me angry.
You have no control over how other people are going to act, and you're going to be way too overwhelmed to be anyone's "behavior monitor." It seems as though your BM is going out of her way to rub you the wrong way (quite possibly because she's jealous), and do you really want to deal with that? If you don't think talking to her will help, then I say go with your heart and be honest with her - cut her loose. You might have to reimburse her for a dress, and possibly hear some unpleasant things, but better now than later.
Hi,
I'm not sure if actually firing her will be worth all the drama that will be sure to follow... Have you tried sitting down and just chatting to her about it? That you wanted her to be in your bridal party because you guys have been friends and you really wanted her to be part of your special day.. and that all her comments are hurtful even if she doesn't mean to be hurtful.. (and even if she does mean to be hurtful... you won't really know because who knows what goes on inside the her mind..) and that you really want her to be there for your bridal shower since you're only getting married once but if she made plans to go to vegas (even if you guys planned the shower before.. ), then you'll miss her but that it would mean a lot of if she was there for you... Does that make sense? Even if she isn't being very understanding, gracious, and genuinely happy for you... don't let it get to you... if her poisionous darts are getting to you too much, focus on all the people who are so happy for you... who are there planning your shower and stuff... don't let one bitter chick get the best of you! wedding planning is stressful enough!! i hope things work out... (i had to have a talk once with one of my BM who was constantly busy... and i felt like she just showed up to stuff but it was like pulling teeth... not as bad as your case.... ) hope things get better.... but hey, regardless--- you're getting married to your soul mate!!!! CONGRATS!
Thank you all for your helpful comments. I am just starting to chill out and take bubble baths and not focus on all the drama. I did have the nice chat with her that sal75 suggested. That's when she started calling my fiance an old man.
I hate to think that just because I asked her to be a bridesmaid months ago, that I have to be stuck with this decision! Unnecessary stress.
Oh yeah, and I am scared of her like Emerald spoke of...this woman's name starts with an "E" too...
Ugh, I know just the dynamic you are talking about and it is so infuriating! You would almost have more respect if they would just come the heck out and say what they wanted to say instead of hiding behind 'jokes' or 'innocent statements' that any idiot can interpret but that they refuse to acknowledge.
Even so, unless she is really going to ruin your day, I would not fire her. I think it will create more drama than it's worth. People who aren't familiar with the situation might assume you are being a bridezilla and carry that memory (I know, I know, that is terrible and awful and unfair but maybe, sadly, a reality.) And...I don't know, to me you have to do something really really horrible to be kicked out of a wedding. If you said that this is the way your relationship has always been it doesn't sound like she's done anything out of the ordinary - more like you have grown and moved on. I say keep her if you can stand it and let the friendship fizzle naturally after the wedding.
Hey, I am so sorry that you are going through this drama right before your wedding. I can honestly see both sides of your perspective, but maybe my situation would help you - I moved cross-country for a job with my (current) company and didn't know anybody in my new state. I became INSTANT best friends with a girl I met on Facebook (hey, where else would I meet people?!) so much that I even got her a job at my fabulous company. I guess it's true about not mixing personal and professional business, because we were spending wayyyyy too much time around eachother, and we quickly had a falling-out. It was much harder for me since we worked together in a very small office, you could cut the tension with a knife. I honestly can't even tell you what our disagreement was even about, other than we both acted immaturely (myself, more-so than her).
Luckily, I was promoted to a new office and moved (with my now-FI) and I have tried numerous times to mend the relationship - unsuccessfully. We still maintain a professional relationship, but she is getting married this October and it KILLS me that I probably won't be there - likewise, I want to invite her to my wedding next June but I would bet $1 million that she wouldn't come.
My advice (which I would give myself in a heartbeat!) is to think twice before writing someone off. Is it really completely unreconsilable? Is she going to grow out of her attitude or the way she is? Maybe it's something else in her life affecting her in this way? Do you think deep down she is REALLY a totally mean-spirited person, or is it something else?
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!! :) Your deserve to be happy and surround yourself with people who love and support you - not just for your wedding, but in your everyday life, too!!
I think doctorgirl is right. A bridesmaid would have to do something terrible (like cheat on your brother) to be kicked out of your bridal party because you need a specific reason to explain your decision to everyone. The most appropriate thing to do here is to slowly pare back the friendship. Stop initiating contact and slow down your responses to her initiation of contact. If she can't make your _____ (shower, bachelorette party etc) just tell her how much you will miss her in a fake cheerful voice and tell your you hope she has fun with her trip or whatever she is doing.
The thing about her b*tchy comments is that they stem from jealousy. You are the one who is engaged and planning a wedding, while she is almost 30 and dating a guy whose biological clock/timeline for marriage is likely to be on a different page than hers (there are many exceptions to this as doctorgirl herself can attest to, but it is probably something she is still worrying about). When I dated a guy 2 years younger than me when I was 25, and he was 23, I got a lot of comments like, "aren't you worried about him being immature? When will he be ready to settle down?" from friends and relatives. She is probably really annoyed that she has to hear that while people wouldn't really be surprised by a 29 year old man dating a 24 year old woman. Try to ignore her as much as possible. If she drives you nuts on the wedding day, send her on random errands that need to be run in other rooms. "Oh, could you please put a program on each chair?" Hopefully, she will be so bored by the menial tasks that she will disappear to the first open bar.
Tee hee... I lucked out with my young guy! He's more mature than many guys out there regardless of age. :)
Anyway, I'm glad you guys had a good conversation... hopefully things will be tolerable through the wedding, and then you can moooove on!
You poor thing. A wise friend recently gave me some good advice when I was experiencing frustration over a selfish sister, she said "you don't need to explain yourself." This is your day. You need to surround yourself with people who love you and want nothing but your happiness. This girlfriend you describe is not doing that and she knows it. Let her go. Pay her back for the dress and don't think of it again. You don't need to explain yourself. It is your day, the one day people are celebrating you, your life, and your new love. If she were your friend none of this would be happening. If she gets upset and chooses not to come to the wedding over this that may be a good thing, as you don't need the stress of worrying about her hurt feelings on your day. As the other bridesmaids go, if they are your dearest friends they probably feel the same way as you and will support you. Good luck!
I can relate to your situation and you have my sympathy. I think she's jealous that you're moving onto to greater things in life. She probably wants to get married or settle into a serious relationship, but her prospects doesn't look good. If you asked her to step down it could end the friendship. Maybe at this point, it might not seem like a bad thing, but I think you will regret it. One day, she might realize how terrible she was to you and will be grateful that you didn't dismiss her, but that's just wishful thinking. Anyways, I think you should focus on the positive things and I'm sure there are alot of people who are very happy for you. My fiance is an older man too and I think he's great. I don't mean to brag, but he's much more established in life, he's certain of himself, and he's interesting to talk to because he's experienced more in life. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. You're wedding will be great!
Thanks everyone. I feel soooo supported. I really love this board and all the wonderful people posting everywhere. It's so nice to have people empathize with me and give great perspective. I'm going to sleep on it...
Time to say "buh-bye" to her. I voted that she could still have the option to come to the wedding, but I wouldn't keep her as a bridesmaid.
You want the people standing up there to support you & love you. Regardless if she's jealous or not, she should atleast respect you & your FI... and she clearly does not! Do you really want her to bring you down on your wedding day w/ b*tchy comments about your hair, the food, how "old" your FI will look in the photos, the lack of this that or another?! I couldn't hack it!!
And btw your friend is insane to make cracks at your older man-- she obviously doesn't know what she's missing! Old guys rock! lol My FI is 12 years older than I am, but you'd never know it. Age truly means nothing. It's about your connection, your love & your goals...
Whatever you choose (ahem toss her!), I really feel for you... This is a terribly awkward position to be in.
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If you really think she won't be able to bite her tongue with the snarky/bitchy comments on your wedding day then toss her. You don't need that kind of childish nonsense. It is just going to upset you, and with all the work you've put in to make the day special, you shouldn't allow one person to single-handedly ruin it for you. It's supposed to be the happiest day of your life! I voted to let her just come as a guest. She's not being a friend to you and doesn't deserve a place of honor in the wedding. Period.
She definitely sounds like one of those people who is very unhappy and judgmental. Frankly, if she is causing you all kinds of heartache about it and making your wedding planning experience so completley intolerable, then I would say buy her out and ask her to simply be a guest. She's not worth your time and energy to continue to focus on problems and drama that she is creating.
Lisalulu: I was just wondering what your final stance was on this after sleeping on it? Such a tough situation, I'm not sure what I would do in your place. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why I'm waiting to decide who I want to be in my bridal party - I want to make sure I won't have this type of situation, or at least do my best to prevent it by taking the time to think about who I really want standing up with me. Who knows, maybe I'll go the route of other brides and have none!
I can see both sides of the debate here, but ultimately, you'll have to be comfortable with your decision. Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do!
Wow, I can't believe so many of us have made this mistake. 
Myself included. My MOH had been my best friend since second grade, so when I got engaged it was a no brainer. I called her first, asked her to be my MOH, done. Ever since then, it's been nothing but snarky comments. I think she forgets it's my wedding and not hers because she keeps trying to tell me what to do and puts down my ideas. My FI is pissed at her, my mom and his mom are pissed at her, no one likes her, she isn't friends with my other BMs, makes no effort to communicate with them, and I almost feel bad asking people to endure her now. She is just some one I don't relate to anymore. Our lives have gone different directions.
It sounds like that is the case with your friend. Maybe we only notice it after the fact because the wedding is a pretty sensitive time. I don't know. While I understand what you're feeling, I think you really have to think through the consequences of firing her. Make sure you are really willing to completely lose the friendship, because that is what will happen. Also, is your MOH sort-of the odd one out in your circle of friends and family (like mine) or does she have strong connections to others in your circle? If these people are close to her and will be at the wedding, you may end up causing yourself more drama by firing her and more hurt feelings all around. I also think if you are firing her, you probably don't want to invite her to your wedding ... That just seems like a recipe for disaster to me, and totally uncomfortable for lots of people, especially you.
After you've weighed all those pros and cons and decided it's worth losing the friendship and the possible backlash from other friends, I think it's totally fine to fire her. I would just call her and explain that the recent spats you two have had really hurt and made you realize how far apart you have grown. Tell her you're sorry, but you don't want her to be in your wedding. Definitely offer to buy the dress from her. That's only fair. You can sell it on Ebay or Craigslist and get back some money. Good luck! I hope everything works out!
I think instead of writting all this in your blog comfront her on your guys issues. Be the better man!! I had this exact thing happen to me. But inmy case i commented on her tatoo and said i didnt want it showing. Age is stupid to get all upset about. PLease just give eachother the beniit of the doubt and talk it out. Its ok to get crap off your mind but when she comes across this blog she might be more hurt then ever that you couldnt confide in with her. Just think she is your bridemaid for a reason, and maybe you need to consider that before any rash words are spoken. Just a thought. i was that person looking at the blog with all hurtfull gestures, when infact i am so kind i get pushed around and i just question is she wrong or am i wrong. We both were and it was because i wasnt being a true friend listening to her needs, as well as speaking in a harsh tone. Any who good luck.
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Well, for now, I am doing nothing. I studied Alexander technique for awhile and my teacher was always trying to teach me "the fine art of non-doing." It is taking all of my yoga resolve.
My bridesmaid is really just a mean-spirited person truly. But she comes in handy when it's time to tell the ex-boyfriend that I am engaged to someone else. Her sacharrine sweet fakeness was probably just perfect as he heard the news and his jaw dropped. And, she can be a wonderful defender to outsiders. The problem is when that angst get turned on me and I just wasn't expecting it.
So for now, I have decided to do nothing and if she does anything more, I am going to ask her to step down from her post. But I am purposely not going to see her or call her. The less I do, the less chance she has to piss me off.
She's not friends with my other bridesmaids, but we do have a few friends in common and I would have to be willing to let them go as well because she is better friends with them. It would be like a divorce.
Thank you all for your help. Everyone is right actually. This decision is like a flip of the coin. It could go either way.
But if she does one more thing, she's out. I really can't take the chance of a super critical bitchy person in my space on my wedding day.
It's YOUR day... have who YOU want and love with you to celebrate such a wonderful event!
Seriously.. who cares about etiquette if you dont like the person or you dont want the person near you dont have them as your bridemaid.. a bridemaid is suppose to be someone who is close to you not someone who makes snarky remarks.
I had a friend just like her, as soon as me and my partner got together the green monster apaired (along with abuse with drugs which didn't help) and she just turned weird being all "yay your BFF i love you" to "omg you such a bad friend i hate you" to "omg i'm so sorry i'm such a bad friend" back to being BFF! it was crazy.. and i'm soooo glad that that all happened before i got engaged other wise i would be stuck in the same situation... but i think you just need to listen to your heart.
Remember un-inviting her to the wedding will cost the friendship, so will de-bridesmaiding (like me new word hehe) her... just make sure you doing what your doing for the reason you know is right :)
Good Luck
ps - i only read the first post.. so if this has already been sorted ... i'm sorry
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Lisa, I was in your exact same position about a week ago! I couldn't take it anymore. You should read some of my bridesmaid posts with the crazy/horrible things she did (I won't get into them here on your thread).
Anyway, getting to the point, what I decided was the best thing to do was to give her the opportunity to fire herself. First, I pointed out the way she had been acting, and all the instances where she put additional unnecessary stress on me planning this wedding. Second, I told her "Maybe you should think about not being a bridesmaid in the wedding." I followed with, "The way you're acting makes me feel like you don't really want to be there anyway, and that makes me not sure I want you there."
Well, she seems to have turned her attitude right around. I mean, while she's still not bubbling over with joy for me (due to jealousy or whatever reason), she has ceased adding to my stress levels on a regular basis. We basically aren't communicating much now to avoid fighting, but I'm happy I didn't all-out fire her. We have been friends for 23 years, after all.
i second Mrs Emerald.
good luck. i had some bridesmaid drama of my own too, unfortunately, but i'm glad i made the move and now i'm really happy and relieved of the burden.
I hate when you have a girlfriend that you just love to have around in good company. Or the way she acts is the way she acted as a teenager and it was fun then. But now that we are getting older and we are starting new lives. Girls can be pretty harsh. My friend i have a few great feriends one that i knew for 18 years and wanted as my maid of honor and the other i knew for about 12 but the one that i knew for 18 she is a hag. I am sorry to say its the truth. nothing would stop her to tell the truth on something personal just to hurt me. Or comment on something that went on in my life to hurt me. I think i have changed my mind and i dont want her as my maid of honor. I want her just as a bridesmaid. Honsestly i dont know if she wants to be one. I have a feeling she will say no at the last moment that she doesnt want to be apart of it. Which wont suprise me, i will have a backup and it will still look very pretty. I am glad that you stuck with your plans. but i think you should go with your gutt, and or have a backup just in case.
Hi bees! Thanks for your help. I decided to do nothing and just distance myself from her.
She ended up coming around and now I am really glad to have her as a bridesmaid. She's been my friend for 18 years!
She is coming to both my shower and my bachelorette party. In fact, she's helping plan the bachelorette party.
But, you all gave me the courage to not run after her and "fix" it by kissing her ass. This has been really equitable.
Thanks again!
I missed all this from a month ago, but I am so glad that it is working out for you!
Its your wedding and if you dont want to put up with snarkyness then tell her bye. Tell her it hurts you when she acts like this maybe she will straighten up. Either way you have enought stress without being mocked and reiticuled during planning or even worse your big day.
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My friend is witchy and snarky. Usually it's entertaining when it's not directed at me. She is the type to say bitchy things that you can't call her out on and she won't take responsibility even if you did. For example, she's dating a great guy and she's happy. I teased her and said that I was surprised that she has a boyfriend because she didn't want one for so long. She said, "Well I wouldn't want to settle like some people," in a cloying, witchy tone. She keeps making comments about his age, "Wait isn't he like 42?" I'm 28. He's 38. Then saying that I was putting down her relationship (I wasn't) by saying her boyfriend is young. He's 24. She's 29. Then, she writes me an email saying "Well I don't bring up that your fiance is like 11-12 years your senior. It's not like I'm calling him an old man or anything." Like she just did. She wasn't ordering the dress and I said that she could choose not to be a bridesmaid if she preferred. I asked her specifically if she could go to the shower on a certain date and she said she could and we planned it two months ago. Now she wants to go to Vegas with the 24 year old that weekend. She's telling me it's my fault and I didn't plan enough ahead of time because we are having such a rushed engagement (5 months). Not when you know it's coming and you plan the shower on week 1!
But whatever. If she goes to Vegas, fine. I'm happy for her. What really gets me is the backhanded witchiness. It's covert snarkiness. She's been this way since high school. I don't want to be her friend anymore. I am so over the relationship. She is like poison. I don't want to talk to her before the wedding. I don't want to see her. It's three months away. I'm afraid if I leave her as a bridesmaid she'll talk shit about me behind my back to the other maids. I don't want her energy around me.
Just as I finally got up the nerve to email her and say, "Don't get the dress." She emailed me and said she got the dress. Money is tight for me, but I want to send her a check for the dress and ask her not to be a bridesmaid. She hasn't done anything so heinous that I simply won't invite her at this point, I just don't want her near me. She's just not a nice person on so many levels.