Post # 1
My friend is witchy and snarky. Usually it’s entertaining when it’s not directed at me. She is the type to say bitchy things that you can’t call her out on and she won’t take responsibility even if you did. For example, she’s dating a great guy and she’s happy. I teased her and said that I was surprised that she has a boyfriend because she didn’t want one for so long. She said, "Well I wouldn’t want to settle like some people," in a cloying, witchy tone. She keeps making comments about his age, "Wait isn’t he like 42?" I’m 28. He’s 38. Then saying that I was putting down her relationship (I wasn’t) by saying her boyfriend is young. He’s 24. She’s 29. Then, she writes me an email saying "Well I don’t bring up that your fiance is like 11-12 years your senior. It’s not like I’m calling him an old man or anything." Like she just did. She wasn’t ordering the dress and I said that she could choose not to be a bridesmaid if she preferred. I asked her specifically if she could go to the shower on a certain date and she said she could and we planned it two months ago. Now she wants to go to Vegas with the 24 year old that weekend. She’s telling me it’s my fault and I didn’t plan enough ahead of time because we are having such a rushed engagement (5 months). Not when you know it’s coming and you plan the shower on week 1!
But whatever. If she goes to Vegas, fine. I’m happy for her. What really gets me is the backhanded witchiness. It’s covert snarkiness. She’s been this way since high school. I don’t want to be her friend anymore. I am so over the relationship. She is like poison. I don’t want to talk to her before the wedding. I don’t want to see her. It’s three months away. I’m afraid if I leave her as a bridesmaid she’ll talk shit about me behind my back to the other maids. I don’t want her energy around me.
Just as I finally got up the nerve to email her and say, "Don’t get the dress." She emailed me and said she got the dress. Money is tight for me, but I want to send her a check for the dress and ask her not to be a bridesmaid. She hasn’t done anything so heinous that I simply won’t invite her at this point, I just don’t want her near me. She’s just not a nice person on so many levels.
Post # 3
Is it really worth it to create drama over something like this? She’s probably not going to be at your shower (so no snarkiness there), and you can start divesting yourself of her more and more… But sometimes I feel like "firing" bridesmaids ends up stooping to a level that was lower than whatever was done to warrant the firing.
We all have a choice when we ask girls to be in our wedding, and I feel like it is up to us to live with the choice that we make… but waving our weddings around like carrots and sticks… well, I don’t know, it just doesn’t feel right to me (unless there is a gravely extenuating circumstance).
See if you can take a few days and clear your head to make things better. I know this must be hard. Try and remember that snarkiness usually comes from a place of insecurity and see if that helps.
Post # 4
you know she’s just jealous. all the passive-aggressive emails and snarkiness is her way of making herself feel better. its difficult not to take personally, but i would just distance myself from her. dont necessarily fire her, but dont include her in the planning, etc. then after the wedding, casually stop calling/emailing her…
Post # 5
I agree with doctorgirl. I’m in a similar situation for other reasons though. I have not really spoken to one of my bridesmaids (I only have 3) since the beginning of March when we had a falling out. We’ve since made up, but it’s also clear to me that we’re growing apart and will never be as close as we used to be. There have been times I’ve wanted to replace her with someone who knows what’s going on and someone I talk to about the wedding and someone I know I can count on, but in the end, I asked her because we have a history and if I was to replace her, then there’s no chance of us being friends ever again.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2007 - Hyatt Lodge, Oak Brook IL
Ouch… I hear you! I had a friend like that, in fact she was my matron of honor for my own wedding a few years ago, lets call her "E". We had been "best friends" since freshman year of college, and she could be so sweet and nice and fun… but then on the other hand, she made me cry, ALOT. Just things she said to me to make me feel bad. I always felt like the lesser citizen, and I always gave into her. "What E wants, E gets". And she secretly scared the crap out of me, whenever she would get upset or not get her way. Oh, and the drama… her life was FULL of drama. UGH.
Anyways, last year I got to a point where I totally felt the same way you do now. I didn’t want to be her friend. I was over the relationship. She was like poison. And so I cut her off… I wrote her a final email (yes, I am lame and ended the friendship via email, but I couldnt face her, too scary!). And then never looked back! I still think about her often – we had good times after all and were friends for 10 years. But I think I am so much better off now without the drama and all the angst that she brought. Unfortunatley she is in many of my group wedding photos, and while I don’t "hate" her by any means, it just kinda brings me down to see so many reminders of her.
It sounds like your "friend" will not be a good friend to you on your wedding day. And what you need is positive energy around you… to be surrounded by people who love and support you and your hubby to be. I can’t tell you what to do, but it sounds like you may have made up your mind. I think its a really brave thing to do to let go of a "toxic friend" and I know how tough it is… Good luck, regardless of what you decide!
Post # 7
Honey, I am about one inch away from firing ALL of my bridesmaids. They have been no help at all and are now whining about having to hurry up and get their dresses, despite the fact I have been bugging them for over a month to do so!
Post # 8
how much was the dress? and is it a dress that she will be able to wear more than just for a wedding? If so I would say don’t worry about the dress, especially if you emailed her a while before she emailed you back.
I completely agree about "firing" her. You don’t want to regret your wedding day, and it would be horrible if she did that to you. Let her know straight up that this is enough and you don’t deserve what she’s doing.
I’m sure you have a much more supportive and caring friend
I wish you the best of luck, keep us posted.
Post # 9
dude she sounds like a nightmare! I wouldn’t be friends with her at all! I would never have a friend like this that makes comments ! I actually did have one and i just fired her! I was so done with her and her drama. She was a good person but she just thought she was better than everyone and I figured out that I don’t need a person like that in my life. She really stressed me out!
Give her a check for the dress. Do you really see yourself friends with her later on?
Post # 10
I am somewhat uncomfortable dispensing direct advice, but…..FIRE HER!!! If your "friend" is like this now, then it’s almost a given that she will show out in some form or fashion on your wedding day. Even if she doesn’t make a public spectacle of herself, it is quite likely that she will say or do something that will push your buttons. Being a bride is already stressful enough, and even if you’re not stressed, your emotions will already be peaked due to the occasion, so the last thing you need is a snarky BM. For some reason, weddings bring out some of the nastiest behaviors in people, and for someone who is already quite hateful, I wouldn’t want to take the chance that she will go into overdrive on a day that should be about nothing else but love and celebration. In kind, you want to be surrounded by those who love you and wish you and your FH well. I had a LOT of issues with my MOH whom I’ve been friends with for 15 years. She isn’t exactly what I call snarky, but she is very sarcastic. It usually doesn’t bother me, and when it does I let her know. She has been a good friend, so it’s not as if she’s a hateful person, but for some reason, her unhappiness manifested itself during our wedding. We have since started talking again, but I often think about how she acted and it hurts me and sometimes makes me angry.
You have no control over how other people are going to act, and you’re going to be way too overwhelmed to be anyone’s "behavior monitor." It seems as though your BM is going out of her way to rub you the wrong way (quite possibly because she’s jealous), and do you really want to deal with that? If you don’t think talking to her will help, then I say go with your heart and be honest with her – cut her loose. You might have to reimburse her for a dress, and possibly hear some unpleasant things, but better now than later.
Post # 11
I’m not sure if actually firing her will be worth all the drama that will be sure to follow… Have you tried sitting down and just chatting to her about it? That you wanted her to be in your bridal party because you guys have been friends and you really wanted her to be part of your special day.. and that all her comments are hurtful even if she doesn’t mean to be hurtful.. (and even if she does mean to be hurtful… you won’t really know because who knows what goes on inside the her mind..) and that you really want her to be there for your bridal shower since you’re only getting married once but if she made plans to go to vegas (even if you guys planned the shower before.. ), then you’ll miss her but that it would mean a lot of if she was there for you… Does that make sense? Even if she isn’t being very understanding, gracious, and genuinely happy for you… don’t let it get to you… if her poisionous darts are getting to you too much, focus on all the people who are so happy for you… who are there planning your shower and stuff… don’t let one bitter chick get the best of you! wedding planning is stressful enough!! i hope things work out… (i had to have a talk once with one of my BM who was constantly busy… and i felt like she just showed up to stuff but it was like pulling teeth… not as bad as your case…. ) hope things get better…. but hey, regardless— you’re getting married to your soul mate!!!! CONGRATS!
Post # 12
Thank you all for your helpful comments. I am just starting to chill out and take bubble baths and not focus on all the drama. I did have the nice chat with her that sal75 suggested. That’s when she started calling my fiance an old man.
I hate to think that just because I asked her to be a bridesmaid months ago, that I have to be stuck with this decision! Unnecessary stress.
Post # 13
Oh yeah, and I am scared of her like Emerald spoke of…this woman’s name starts with an "E" too…
Post # 14
Ugh, I know just the dynamic you are talking about and it is so infuriating! You would almost have more respect if they would just come the heck out and say what they wanted to say instead of hiding behind ‘jokes’ or ‘innocent statements’ that any idiot can interpret but that they refuse to acknowledge.
Even so, unless she is really going to ruin your day, I would not fire her. I think it will create more drama than it’s worth. People who aren’t familiar with the situation might assume you are being a bridezilla and carry that memory (I know, I know, that is terrible and awful and unfair but maybe, sadly, a reality.) And…I don’t know, to me you have to do something really really horrible to be kicked out of a wedding. If you said that this is the way your relationship has always been it doesn’t sound like she’s done anything out of the ordinary – more like you have grown and moved on. I say keep her if you can stand it and let the friendship fizzle naturally after the wedding.
Post # 15
Hey, I am so sorry that you are going through this drama right before your wedding. I can honestly see both sides of your perspective, but maybe my situation would help you – I moved cross-country for a job with my (current) company and didn’t know anybody in my new state. I became INSTANT best friends with a girl I met on Facebook (hey, where else would I meet people?!) so much that I even got her a job at my fabulous company. I guess it’s true about not mixing personal and professional business, because we were spending wayyyyy too much time around eachother, and we quickly had a falling-out. It was much harder for me since we worked together in a very small office, you could cut the tension with a knife. I honestly can’t even tell you what our disagreement was even about, other than we both acted immaturely (myself, more-so than her).
Luckily, I was promoted to a new office and moved (with my now-FI) and I have tried numerous times to mend the relationship – unsuccessfully. We still maintain a professional relationship, but she is getting married this October and it KILLS me that I probably won’t be there – likewise, I want to invite her to my wedding next June but I would bet $1 million that she wouldn’t come.
My advice (which I would give myself in a heartbeat!) is to think twice before writing someone off. Is it really completely unreconsilable? Is she going to grow out of her attitude or the way she is? Maybe it’s something else in her life affecting her in this way? Do you think deep down she is REALLY a totally mean-spirited person, or is it something else?
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do!! 🙂 Your deserve to be happy and surround yourself with people who love and support you – not just for your wedding, but in your everyday life, too!!
Post # 16
I think doctorgirl is right. A bridesmaid would have to do something terrible (like cheat on your brother) to be kicked out of your bridal party because you need a specific reason to explain your decision to everyone. The most appropriate thing to do here is to slowly pare back the friendship. Stop initiating contact and slow down your responses to her initiation of contact. If she can’t make your _____ (shower, bachelorette party etc) just tell her how much you will miss her in a fake cheerful voice and tell your you hope she has fun with her trip or whatever she is doing.
The thing about her b*tchy comments is that they stem from jealousy. You are the one who is engaged and planning a wedding, while she is almost 30 and dating a guy whose biological clock/timeline for marriage is likely to be on a different page than hers (there are many exceptions to this as doctorgirl herself can attest to, but it is probably something she is still worrying about). When I dated a guy 2 years younger than me when I was 25, and he was 23, I got a lot of comments like, "aren’t you worried about him being immature? When will he be ready to settle down?" from friends and relatives. She is probably really annoyed that she has to hear that while people wouldn’t really be surprised by a 29 year old man dating a 24 year old woman. Try to ignore her as much as possible. If she drives you nuts on the wedding day, send her on random errands that need to be run in other rooms. "Oh, could you please put a program on each chair?" Hopefully, she will be so bored by the menial tasks that she will disappear to the first open bar.