(Closed) I want to scream “Leave me alone!” to controlling future inlaws

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Okay I’m going to be brutally honest here because I think someone needs to tell you: Just chill out a bit! Honestly what it sounds like to me is that you are a type-a control freak kind of person (I am the same way! I really am! So I get it!) and you want everythign to be perfect and thus you want to do everything yourself. Meanwhile your FMIL’s son is marrying you and she feels like his side of the family has totally been cut off. You and your mom/sister are doing everything and she has tried and tried to contribute to the day (her time not money) and you keep shutting her down. She probably feels like the day is all about you/your family rather than about you and her son jointly.

I get that she might have bad taste. I get that she probably should have paid for the ingredients for her own dishes. I totally totally understand where youa re coming from because I think I would feel the same way.

But.

A wedding is a joining of two families and you need to get along with her. So, I suggest you chill out a bit and give her something to do. And if the end product of her project isn’t exactly how you would have done it? Who cares. Your wedding will not be ruined, you will end up married, and you will have a better relationship with your FMIL.

Post # 4
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Spotted, I feel like this is an area where you might need to enlist your fiance to ask his family to back off.  (You didn’t mention him in your post — is he aware of what’s going on?)  I do get that your FMIL wants to contribute and she wants to help, but if her idea of “helping” is to send you to the grocery store so YOU can buy the ingredients for the cheese balls you didn’t even want there, I get why you don’t want any more of her “help”!  Can your fiance take his mom aside and tell her that you really do have things under control, and the way she’s running around telling everyone you can’t possibly do it yourself is really hurting your feelings? 

A couple other suggestions:

1.  Can you give FMIL something, ANYTHING to do (besides the cheese balls) that you don’t really care about, but that will make her feel involved? I agree with CorgiTales that she’s probably feeling a bit left out (although I COMPLETELY understand why you’re leaving her out) and maybe if you ask for her help on something (double-check your RSVP guest count?  call the reception hall to confirm the time?), she’ll feel more appreciated and ease up on you.

2.  Unfortunately, you can’t stop your FSIL from decorating your car.  Ask your fiance to tell his sister not to do anything to the car.  Then you need to let this one go for your own sanity.  If she does write stuff on the windshield, it will be annoying but not the end of the world.

3.  Have you tried the “broken record” method of dealing with their questions?  It’s annoying, but it makes it *very* clear that the issue is not up for discussion.  When they ask why they can’t be in the dressing room, don’t explain yourself in too much detail; just say “It’s important to me to have some quiet time with just me, my mom, and my sister.”  If they ask you again, repeat: “It’s important to me to have some quiet time with just me, my mom, and my sister. ” 

Post # 5
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

Yikes…I’m sorry to hear all of this Spotted! First off…congratulations! I hope your wedding day is beautiful!

As for your FMIL and FSIL, I think you just need to take a lot of deep breaths and try to tell yourself that they’re just trying to help. They’re excited for you guys and want to feel involved! I would also be a bit peeved if my MIL offered to make something, but then made me buy all of the ingredients for whateve it is she’s making. Part of offering to do something like food is paying for ingredients. Especially if they’re something that you don’t want there…so I get that.

You only have 4 more days to go. You can absolutely make it through this! Just keep trying to remember that they’re excited and want to help you. I know you don’t want their help, but that might give you a little bit more patience when dealing with them.

Good luck and happy wedding!!!

Post # 6
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

i’m going to have to agree with corgitales and say that you should probably try to chill out a bit. i feel that for the most part, your inlaws are just excited about your wedding and want to help out and be a part of it, by decorating the car and being with you while your getting ready. yes, it’s crappy that she didn’t offer to pay for the food, but people do crappy things sometimes. they’re your family now so you will just have to pick your battles. for me, i’m finding that the whole wedding process is about picking battles, and most of them aren’t worth it. really, do you care that much about your car being decorated? is it worth a fight with your fsil? sure it might not be your vision of your dream wedding, but it does make your family happy. i think that’s more important, personally.

Post # 8
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I went through a similar issue with my wedding. My MIL was suggesting things that I did not want, and when I would say ‘no’ for whatever reason, she didn’t seem to listen. However, I did go along with a few of her suggestions to be nice, and a lot of them ended up just adding to the day.

I know that you don’t want the cheescakes and cheesballs, but since she’s not trying to take over the entire menu, I would just let it go. Think of them as added food that the guests can enjoy. I had mini cheesecakes at my wedding (it was my idea) and they turned out pretty well. I think a few people did eat them, and it does provide an alternative to wedding cake.

As for the cars, that’s going to happen. My husband and I didn’t say anything about not touching my car, but that was because with how we are, we thought that nobody would try anything. I don’t really know why, but most people just don’t mess with my things; I guess I just seem that serious at times. However, when we went out to the car, it was written on all over, and there was a phrase that I wish they hadn’t written on there and some stick figures that I wasn’t too fond of. If she’s going to do it, she’s going to do it, just go to the gas station and get your car washed immediately afterwards. It’s a minor inconvenience.

Your in-laws don’t know your style well, so they are going to give their own opinions no matter what you do. My MIL didn’t like my rubber duck cake toppers, but loved them once she saw the full effect. They’re going to think that things are funny that you do not. They’re going to have to see some things for themselves before they think it looks nice.

However, I do agree that your FMIL should have paid for her own ingredients if you have already brought it to attention that you don’t want them.

Post # 9
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

Spotted, I think one of the toughest things about wedding planning is all of the people who love you and want to help — but who want to “help” by doing things that you really don’t want done!  I definitely went through this the week before my wedding.  My husband’s family was also super-enthusiastic, and I got a bit overwhelmed by their constant questions and concerns and ideas.  I had to fight the urge to say “you can help by LEAVING ME ALONE!”  I just tried to keep reminding myself that they were excited, they meant well, and they loved us.

About the car — can you “hide” the keys with a trusted friend or family member, with the instruction not to give them to anyone but you or your husband?  Your SIL will probably still decorate the outside of your car, but without the keys she can’t do anything too drastic like the baby powder in the AC vents.

Post # 10
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Oh dang…You poor thing.  I am the same exact way.  I have to be in control of every aspect of the wedding.  I was going to go postal on my mom and an aunt several weeks ago because they were starting to “take control” of the reception.  My aunt has already had two daughters get married, I have two other sisters that will get married someday…the point being?  They already had/get their chance to do more receptions…this is MY ONLY wedding…I want it done MY way (well, that and the FI’s way too).  So, I totally get where you are coming from. 

My FMIL was insistent that she help out with the food for the after ceremony open house (large reception is in my hometown 2 days later)…I really didn’t want to cave in about that, but I did.  Well, several weeks later she decides that she’s not going to show up until the day of the wedding, so there goes my help….and now she’s back to the original schedule of being there several days before…Uhhh….way to make my life easier by offering to help and then not being reliable.  I also let her choose the song that she and my FI will have that mom/son dance to (well, that’s a no brainer, it is “their”) dance.  So, she calls me and tells me what song she wants…a really sad version of I’ll Be Home For Christmas where troops in Iraq cut in during the song and talk about their experiences while there (FI was in Iraq for 1 1/2 years and got back about a year ago).  She said the song was “perfect.”  Uh, yeah, if you want to totally kill the mood with a sad song about troops in Iraq.  I REALLY don’t want to be reminded of his past deployment and his possible imminent deployment at my wedding reception…I honestly will probably have to leave the room during that song b/c songs like that strike a real tender nerve with me and make me cry like a baby…and it’s not a happy cry.

So, why am I telling you all my FMIL problems on your thread? lol  Because I can totally relate what it’s like to relinquish control…even when others tell you to chill…which is good advice, people like us do need to chill, it’s just easier said than done.  Everytime someone tells me to chill, I just giggle and think, “Me?  Type A OCD personality chill about the biggest day of my life?  yeah, fat chance that is going to happen.”

It will all be ok though!  Hopefully in 50 years you can giggle about those velveeta cheeseball thingies! ๐Ÿ™‚  (which by the way, I agree…she should have offered to pay for the ingredients).

Post # 11
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@spotted- I just wanted to make sure I got across that I do totally feel for you! I AM you in personality I would bet ๐Ÿ™‚ I am just trying new techniques in my life to make things run more smoothly. I threw a fit at my graduation party, for example, because my mom wanted to buy all these paper grad hats and bells and hang them from the ceiling and i thought they looked horribly embarrassingly tacky. But she did it anyways and the party was great and 8 years later I don’t think they were so bad. It sucks that you can’t have a FMIL that is more respectful of your feelings, my only point was that for your own sanity it is probably better to take a few deep breaths, give her a job, and try not to stress over the details. ๐Ÿ™‚

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