I want to try new things, DH does not…

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
5222 posts
Bee Keeper

Daizy914:  I think everyone who has been in a long term relationship has experienced some type of rut or adjustment-needing in the bedroom. You cannot make him into a different sexual being, but you CAN take more ownership of your own sexuality– and it that means doing the boudoir pics because YOU want to do them and YOU want to feel sexy, do them! The best thing you can introduce in the bedroom is confidence, and he may not love the pictures or appreciate them, but he damn sure cannot ignore a woman who knows what she wants in the sex department. 

Post # 3
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Oh man, I just had this convo with FI. I’m not looking to incorporate any props, but yeah, it feels a little vanilla to me. I think it’s part of the territory with sleeping with the same person every. single. night. 

I have to be honest, you can spice up sex like the what’s and the when’s and the where’s but sex is, at the end of the day, sex. I was a little bummed when I realized, coming off of my crazy 20’s promiscuity, that at the end of the day good sex is great, bad sex sucks, but most of the sex you’ll have out there will be somewhere in the middle. Bummer, huh?

I guess what’s a mega downer, or dare I say concerning, in your situation is that your man simply isn’t into new things. That isn’t really fair, because as long as you are both safe and respected, you both should be going out of your way to please each other. I mean, unless you were planning on violating his body. Obviously that’s a big fat line that needs to be drawn.

Some guys aren’t into boudior photos, either. Don’t be disappointed if he sees these pics and goes, “oh, that’s nice”. I guess you just need to make you man talk more about what DOES turn him on. If he’s not really open to trying new things, you are going to have to be the one that investigates what turns him on and find a way to incorporate what you like too. I’m not suggesting this as a long term solution, because you don’t want to run the risk of this being a one-way street. I guess what I’m getting at is if you can make him feel comfortable AND good, then maybe he will be more willing to do the same for you.

For what it’s worth, when FI and I had the talk, I was extremely blunt about what my problems were and what he was doing (or not doing). Our relationship is open. I absolutely insist that when we talk about sex, we don’t do it with kid gloves. Sex is one of those things that I believe both parties need to have crystal-clear understanding. 

Post # 4
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

DH was pretty conservative when it came to sex during the earlier stages of our relationship… Me? Not so much. He was pretty intimidated by the thought of toys (even very mild vibrators, like the bullet). After he saw how much enjoyment and satisfaction I got after we incorporated one (grabbed it mid-session, and he had to sort of play along), he was SO much more open to it. He felt like he had taken a partial responsibility in my getting the “big O” so quickly and intensely. After that, he has been more welcoming of those sorts of things. 

Another thing that has always worked for keeping it spicy is having a legitimately romantic date night. Get dressed up and sexy, go to a nice restaurant, both have a few drinks… And, then I tend to take a more aggressive approach in trying to seduce him, and begin teasing him on the way home. By the time we pull into the driveway, he can hardly wait to take off my clothes. This have been some of our craziest and most spontaneous nights. 

Post # 5
Member
7211 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Daizy914:  ugh. Sorry you are going through this. I thnk you should to the shoot for yourself, but please lower expectations re it helpng your sex life, him praising you, etc. some men are wrapped tightly and I think you will be disappointed if you do the shoot hoping for a specific outcome from him. 

Sex is a two way street. Both partners need to want to please the other, so maybe he can give you a few ways he’s willing to experiment within his comfort zone. 

Post # 6
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Daizy914:  You can still do the shoot, but since he already told you that he’s not into it, don’t set your expectations too high for some big reaction out of him. Try to be open about your sex life in general and see if that helps you introduce new things. If he becomes more comfortable discussing sex then maybe he’ll open up to new ideas without being embarassed. Ask what it is he doesn’t like about the stuff you suggest and whether he has any ideas of his own.

Post # 7
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Perhaps look up some of Dan Savages articles (an amazing sex and relationship advice columnist), he talks about being Good, Giving and Game (GGG) in the bedroom and recently science backed up just how right he is. In couples where the partner was willing to try things for the other, the relationship is much happier as a whole, see link below.

 

http://www.salon.com/2012/09/12/science_proves_it_dan_savage_is_right/

 

Also consider turning the conversation around, ask him about what HE wants to try. What fantasies does he have? Perhaps do so after a few glasses of wine to loosen you both up. It migh be easier to get him to try things you want if you show how willing you are to try what he wants too. 

 

Post # 8
Member
7395 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I think everyone has given good advice but I will caution that no one, male or female, should feel pressured into doing something sexually that they are not comfortable with. I think you can ask once but then it becomes a case of asked and answered. I also think giving your husband budiour photos after he has already said he isn’t interested in that is crossing the line. If you want to get them done for you go ahead but I wouldn’t give them to him.

A lot of people who are sexually conservative turn inward when pressured by their partners. So whilst a lot of people think giving them a push to try might losen them up it can actually make them withdraw more and can alter their view of their sexual partner if they hold some really conservative values. 

 

Post # 9
Member
844 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

j_jaye:  This.  You are so right.  I know that you feel like you’re in a rut OP, but you can’t force this. If he says no, he means no. Putting any more pressure on him now is likely to backfire. 

Post # 10
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I do think it’s a good idea to tread very carefully, so that your husband doesn’t feel pushed, but being honest is necessary. It’s very possible to have an open conversation and let your DH know that you are interested in a bit of spice– just something slightly different; not “kinky”– and that you hope he will think about what he’d be comfortable doing. No need for anything too crazy! Hopefullly there will be something he’s wiling to try. 🙂

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