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((HUGS)) i'm sure times are rough on both of you, especially during this time of year... i know it's hard over here...
I'm a "meanie" too because I do the same thing when FI is off for school vacations and such. I get so p*ssed when he doesn't help out around the house or when he complains about me turning the lights on or something when I'm TRYING TO GET READY FOR WORK and he is going to sit around watching TV all day.
I would just explain to him (gently) how you feel. It might go over better than you think.
I think the economy is stressing everyone out. Can you do something nice for him this evening?
You should obviously apologize for that comment, but also have a serious talk with him about your frustrations. You two should establish rules and guidelines for who contributes what and how to the household, based on your current incomes and schedules. Like even if he doesn't like cleaning toilets, that might have to be on his list right now since he's home all day and not paying the rent.
By making these rules about who contributes what, it might make you more comfortable overall and less likely to get upset at little things like that. That's how stay-at-home Mom households are set up - the husband usually makes all the money, but the wife is running errands all day, cooking and cleaning. So it balances out, and both are contributing equally even though there isn't a real dollar sign attached to the person staying home.
Be careful - just because he's unemployed doesn't mean he's not entitled to a good night's sleep. Also, don't lump him in the same category as your Ex, that's never a good idea.
Nope - you're not that mean :P
I would probably have said the same thing too in that situation. It's easy to be gripey and snappy when you're stressed out.
I would have reacted the same way as you, I think. My husband is on unemployment right now, going on his fourth month. He tries really hard to find work, but its nasty out there. He spends his days writing cover letters and searching for job postings. I spent about 4 months a couple years ago looking for work, so I know it is really hard to feel positive when you never hear from anyone!
But my husband also does pretty much all the housework (vacuums, cleans the bathroom, does the laundry, cooks, does the dishes) and he has found a new hobby in selling our unwanted crap online. He has made more than $100 this month!
Its hard when you're out of work, life gets pretty depressing, but its also easy to slide into a lethargic state of being and not do anything constructive with the day. That can make you feel even worse. You guys should talk about his state of mind, make sure he's not getting depressed.
I think I probably would've said the same thing to him. Sometimes, when we're frustrated, things come out that we don't mean. I think a heartfelt apology, but a thorough explaination of why you're frustrated are in order.
I totally understand why you are frustrated with him and I think you guys need to talk about him doing more around the house since he is home.
I think I also have an understanding of how he is feeling. I've suddenly lost two jobs over the past few years and it almost has a bit of a "grieving process" to it. I felt depressed about being jobless and it was really hard to get motivated to do anything beyond spending an hour or two job searching every day. I was financially independent at the time so I can't even imagine how depressing it must feel to be in that situation AND feel like you aren't contributing to your family.
Cut him a little slack, apologize for your comment and try to talk to him.
It seems that you have a lot of built up resentment. You guys really need to talk things out before it gets worse. Good Luck.
i would have said the same thing! You aren't mean, just stressed and frustrated!
Everybody gets frustrated sometimes and say things they don't mean.
To be fair, he does cook and clean. We both do. He cooks the majority of breakfasts and we split dinners. We both load/unload the dishwasher (usually done 2x a day). He does ALL the grocery shopping and errand running. Most nights, I come home and he's poured me a glass of wine and started dinner, or if I start cooking he'll usually take over (he's got cooking OCD, I think). So, he does contribute in that way.
I don't feel like I resent him at this point because not much time has passed, but I do worry that it will be easy for me to get that point because of my XH (even though logically I know he's not my ex).
And, I just feel like it's really jerky to complain to me when I'm rushing to make it to work on time. He went to bed at a decent hour and slept pretty soundly. He was already half awake and was going back to sleep. And he's at home all day so if he's THAT tired he can go back to sleep.
I, on the other hand, had to drop two kids off (at two different places), drive to another city, park my car, and then take the train into work, where I will be working ALL day at a stressful job. He, on the other hand, is taking a nap right now (we just talked) and will be watching movies and sending out resumes.
Anyway, I'm glad to know that other people can relate to how I feel. I do plan on talking to him when I get home so he can understand how I was feeling and I'm also going to be more concious of what I say to not make him feel guilty about the fact he was laid-off.
I have done exactly the same thing. FI has been unemployed since April when he was laid off from his freelance gig and technically Nov 08 since he was laid off from his reg. job at a cable ntwk. I know what you mean about him not looking as hard as you would. I might ask what his field is thought. FI is in marketing & Ad Sales for TV. Companies & channels that are having a hard time selling commercial/promo time aren't hiring people to sell it.
I will say, he cleans, cooks and I haven't done laundry in about 8 months. He can run silly errands during the week (dry cleaning, groceries etc) so that it frees up time for us to actually spend time together on the weekends. I have to admit it's also come in really handy -- florist meeting at 1pm on a Wed? Sure thing. It's like I'm marrying my wedding planner! LOL
Whoops, I was writing when you posted your last comment. Can he bring the kids to school in the morning?
FI has been trying to keep himself wake up with me in the morning when I leave for work and walk me to the train to get himself on a schedule. He had a good point - you wake up, walk to the train, then sit in front of a computer all day - so that's what he does at home.
I'm sure it's a sensitive issue with him, but i couldn't help but feel the same way as you. and i'm sure i'd say something mean like that too. I have a job and my SO is home on terminal leave, so i make like WAY more than him, LOL. But he does admit he has nothing to do all day but clean, make food, laundry, and look for a job. sometimes i come home and i go "ugh you haven't cleaned this yet?" but he does tell me what he does during the day--some days he actually does stuff and some days he's lazy. I mean, it's true, right? What does he do? watch movies, internet, nap, etc. I guess I don' tconsider house stuff "work" because, welll, even when I have a job, that stuff still has to get done. So i did that WHILE working WHILE in grad school, so i feel like it's a lame excuse for him to go, "well i did 2 loads today" cuz i'd be like, 'dude, i'd do 2 loads before work, don't even go there..."
Don't worry--it's stressful when one person's out of a job. Shoot my SO doesnm't even get unemployment because leaving the army is voluntary. But, he hasn't been out that long and he acknowledges that I have it worse than him--work full time plus grad school--so we haven't had those glitches yet. THe longer he remains unemployed i'm sure the more it'll happen. You're stressed, it happens, i can totally relate. next time he makes dinner, just give him e a big extra hug, thank him a little more profusely, and have a glass of wine with him and watch some tv together in a relaxed way. I know my SO picks up a lot of stuff around the house so he can actually enjoy his time with me, instead of me trying to clean.
i would talk to him about helping around the house more since he is at home while you are at work. That may take some stress off of you.
I think the way you felt is totally justified! My only advice based on my husband being laid off a year ago (he got a job 4 months later) is that vent to friends/co-workers/whoever but try your very best not to say those things to him! Yes it is unfair and he should do more and not complain - but if he is like most people - and men specifically - this is really hard on him. And having his partner saying these types of things will make him feel more worthless - which will make everything harder in the long run.
If you can, bite your tongue to him, and make him feel like he is still special and needed by you, even though he lost his job....
You aren't horrible. At all.
I hope my comment doesn't upset you, but your reaction to him reminds me of something I went through this year.
When I was growing up, my dad was unemployed for about a year & my mom was the sole breadwinner. He didn't do anything but sleep on the couch. It was one year- but I'll never forget it. That is my childhood image of my father. I swore to myself I wouldn't date anyone like that. I wanted a guy that had a huge education to fall back on & that could provide for me and our family. I wanted someone with drive & motivation. I found him... but earlier this year he had a chance to advance in his career & he didn't take it. I was SO angry with him! All of a sudden instead of looking at the positives I just dwelled on the fact that he let this slip by. I started thinking he was unmotivated, etc, etc. I was acting horribly towards him & then I broke down crying and realized I was punishing my sweet, loving FI for my dad's stupid lazy ways.
It sounds like you are starting to resent him & I think a lot of it is actually being directed at the wrong guy. You brought up your ex husband & your issues regarding taking care of another adult. I think you see a pattern with your BF that reminds you of the bad times with your ex.
You said he's not trying as hard as you would have. Can you accept that he's not as much of a go-getter as you are? Will he always make less than you? Will a part of you always feel like you're taking care of him then? I think you should definitely deal with your feelings because you don't want to have a marriage filled with resentment. It only gets worse & gnaws at you until you can't stand the sight of that person anymore.
Maybe just talk to him & explain your frustration! Tell him you got upset because you are just hoping for a little more help around the house/with the kids especially since he's home right now!
I 100% understand. I've been on the other side: I got laid-off about 2 years ago and was mortified. I felt guilty spending any time relaxing I got up early every day to spend a minimum of 3-4 hours job searching, interviewing, calling, sending out resumes, and just walking my resume in to places. I also cleaned, cooked, grocery shopped, spent time with family and took care of running the errands. I jumped at little jobs to babysit, etc. just ot help out a little. It's hard to be that person; you feel very helpless. I think as long as he's truly doing every single thing he can, you were right to feel a bit bad about what you said. However, I think if I saw someone else not having to work, while I did, and if I felt I was shouldering most of the responsibility, I would be frusterated, too. It's a tough situation all around. Good luck, hang in there, and I hope he finds work soon!
Oh how I could have totally written this post. My FI has been unemployed for over 2 months now. He started his own business but construction is just dead around here.
It is really hard when I am planning a wedding, working full time, and taking my last two classes of my MBA to not feel resentment/jealousy towards him. Many comments such as this one have slipped out and there is just no way to avoid that. We just talk about how we both feel and basically we both understand.
The one thing that has helped us is making lists. I keep a good honey-do list going becuase it gives him something to do during the day and a way to help out. I usually try to keep it as like an "if you are bored, do you think you could do these" kind of list, so that it isn't like I am making him a chore list.
I am really thankful to hear that other bees are having the same issues. I wish I knew how to help him in his job search (at this point, he will be happy to go work at WalMart), but I simply don't have the time.
The best thing to do is to talk about and get to an agreement, give him and yourself a TO DO list of shores for the week, help eachother out....it is simple when the 2 of you sit down and talk over issues like this and both agree to do things around the house and for life in general =) Good Luck and I hope you solve this soon!
We are currently watching a couples relationship series called Love and Respect. It basically talks about how men respond to respect and women respond to love. When men don't get respect, they don't love their women which creates a bad cycle. It has really helped me see the situation from the guys perspective a little bit. It helps to know that there are ways to talk to him that are helpful rather than disrepectful.
@curlydreamer, i've "joked" with my DH a few times not to let me know when he's napping or just screwing off or sleeping in. It's like rubbing it in my face, you know? So, he doesn't. And i appreciate that. Maybe just letting him know that some things are better left not told to you? Sometimes i come home and find my husband playing xbox all hooked up dorkified style. i can't help but luagh and go "geez i hope you didn't do this all day!" but as long as he cleaned and took care of all the biggies (and i know if i asked him to do some extra errands he'd do it), then we're good. but he shouldn't rub it in my face--that's not fair and it WOULD cause me to resent him or start questioning him constnatly about what he's doing and what's he's "accomplished"
You're not horrible. You're human. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself your feelings, but be mindful of his, too.
I feel your pain. :(
Here is a link to the book on amazon. I think the book just goes into more detail than the movie does. When we got engaged my parents asked us to watch the video with another couple. It is actually 5 80 minute videos. It is a bit redundant and the guy is kinda corny but I think some of the advice is logical. I know I could never get my FI to read the book with me, so we watched the videos.
Everyone says things that aren't 100% kind sometimes, I wouldn't beat myself up too much about it - you're human. Good on you for having the self-awareness to realize it could escalate over time and thinking about how to avoid it.
@cazos: Thanks for the link!
I'm done beating myself up about it. I went home and he wasn't upset and he cooked, and we had a nice time watching movies. This morning he did a bunch of stuff specifically for me and told me really sweetly that he really tries to take care of me.
So, I feel much better and I think I just have to really be considerate of the fact that he is trying. He is. I see it. And we all make mistakes and say things that are "mean."
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To give some background, I make A LOT more than the Boy. With my XH, I was basically the primary breadwinner and he never really contributed to our family (financially, emotionally, doing housework, etc.), so I have issues about not only making A LOT more than the boy (like 5x more) but also just about feeling like I'm taking care of an adult.
Long story shorter, two weeks ago the Boy was laid-off (for the second time this year). Since then, he has applied for jobs however I don't feel like he's looking as aggressively as I would, but I do know that he is looking and I do know that he wants to contribute (and does contribute with his unemployment but that's like not really anything).
The Boy was in a bad mood last night and then this morning got upset because the kids were being loud while he was trying to sleep. I got annoyed because I was rushing to get ready and didn't really feel like hearing him complain. I told him, "I don't know why you're getting upset, it's not like you have anything to do today."
He asked me what I said, but I said "nothing" because we both knew what I said. It was mean and unnecessary, but honestly in that moment that's how I felt. He doesn't have anything to do today, but look for a job. He'll watch movies, surf the internet and send out some resumes, but that's basically it. To me, he doesn't have any reason to be upset about noise since he can take a nap anytime he wants to.
I feel like that comment was kind of out of line since I know he's trying, but at the same time I don't want to hear him complaining in the morning because it messes up MY morning and I am the one who has to work a stressful job all day.
Am I just horrible or what?