Post # 1
To give some background, I make A LOT more than the Boy. With my XH, I was basically the primary breadwinner and he never really contributed to our family (financially, emotionally, doing housework, etc.), so I have issues about not only making A LOT more than the boy (like 5x more) but also just about feeling like I’m taking care of an adult.
Long story shorter, two weeks ago the Boy was laid-off (for the second time this year). Since then, he has applied for jobs however I don’t feel like he’s looking as aggressively as I would, but I do know that he is looking and I do know that he wants to contribute (and does contribute with his unemployment but that’s like not really anything).
The Boy was in a bad mood last night and then this morning got upset because the kids were being loud while he was trying to sleep. I got annoyed because I was rushing to get ready and didn’t really feel like hearing him complain. I told him, “I don’t know why you’re getting upset, it’s not like you have anything to do today.”
He asked me what I said, but I said “nothing” because we both knew what I said. It was mean and unnecessary, but honestly in that moment that’s how I felt. He doesn’t have anything to do today, but look for a job. He’ll watch movies, surf the internet and send out some resumes, but that’s basically it. To me, he doesn’t have any reason to be upset about noise since he can take a nap anytime he wants to.
I feel like that comment was kind of out of line since I know he’s trying, but at the same time I don’t want to hear him complaining in the morning because it messes up MY morning and I am the one who has to work a stressful job all day.
Am I just horrible or what?
Post # 3
((HUGS)) i’m sure times are rough on both of you, especially during this time of year… i know it’s hard over here…
Post # 4
I’m a “meanie” too because I do the same thing when FI is off for school vacations and such. I get so p*ssed when he doesn’t help out around the house or when he complains about me turning the lights on or something when I’m TRYING TO GET READY FOR WORK and he is going to sit around watching TV all day.
I would just explain to him (gently) how you feel. It might go over better than you think.
Post # 5
I think the economy is stressing everyone out. Can you do something nice for him this evening?
Post # 6
You should obviously apologize for that comment, but also have a serious talk with him about your frustrations. You two should establish rules and guidelines for who contributes what and how to the household, based on your current incomes and schedules. Like even if he doesn’t like cleaning toilets, that might have to be on his list right now since he’s home all day and not paying the rent.
By making these rules about who contributes what, it might make you more comfortable overall and less likely to get upset at little things like that. That’s how stay-at-home Mom households are set up – the husband usually makes all the money, but the wife is running errands all day, cooking and cleaning. So it balances out, and both are contributing equally even though there isn’t a real dollar sign attached to the person staying home.
Be careful – just because he’s unemployed doesn’t mean he’s not entitled to a good night’s sleep. Also, don’t lump him in the same category as your Ex, that’s never a good idea.
Post # 7
Nope – you’re not that mean 😛
I would probably have said the same thing too in that situation. It’s easy to be gripey and snappy when you’re stressed out.
Post # 8
I would have reacted the same way as you, I think. My husband is on unemployment right now, going on his fourth month. He tries really hard to find work, but its nasty out there. He spends his days writing cover letters and searching for job postings. I spent about 4 months a couple years ago looking for work, so I know it is really hard to feel positive when you never hear from anyone!
But my husband also does pretty much all the housework (vacuums, cleans the bathroom, does the laundry, cooks, does the dishes) and he has found a new hobby in selling our unwanted crap online. He has made more than $100 this month!
Its hard when you’re out of work, life gets pretty depressing, but its also easy to slide into a lethargic state of being and not do anything constructive with the day. That can make you feel even worse. You guys should talk about his state of mind, make sure he’s not getting depressed.
Post # 9
I think I probably would’ve said the same thing to him. Sometimes, when we’re frustrated, things come out that we don’t mean. I think a heartfelt apology, but a thorough explaination of why you’re frustrated are in order.
Post # 10
I totally understand why you are frustrated with him and I think you guys need to talk about him doing more around the house since he is home.
I think I also have an understanding of how he is feeling. I’ve suddenly lost two jobs over the past few years and it almost has a bit of a “grieving process” to it. I felt depressed about being jobless and it was really hard to get motivated to do anything beyond spending an hour or two job searching every day. I was financially independent at the time so I can’t even imagine how depressing it must feel to be in that situation AND feel like you aren’t contributing to your family.
Cut him a little slack, apologize for your comment and try to talk to him.
Post # 11
It seems that you have a lot of built up resentment. You guys really need to talk things out before it gets worse. Good Luck.
Post # 12
i would have said the same thing! You aren’t mean, just stressed and frustrated!
Post # 13
Everybody gets frustrated sometimes and say things they don’t mean.
Post # 14
To be fair, he does cook and clean. We both do. He cooks the majority of breakfasts and we split dinners. We both load/unload the dishwasher (usually done 2x a day). He does ALL the grocery shopping and errand running. Most nights, I come home and he’s poured me a glass of wine and started dinner, or if I start cooking he’ll usually take over (he’s got cooking OCD, I think). So, he does contribute in that way.
I don’t feel like I resent him at this point because not much time has passed, but I do worry that it will be easy for me to get that point because of my XH (even though logically I know he’s not my ex).
And, I just feel like it’s really jerky to complain to me when I’m rushing to make it to work on time. He went to bed at a decent hour and slept pretty soundly. He was already half awake and was going back to sleep. And he’s at home all day so if he’s THAT tired he can go back to sleep.
I, on the other hand, had to drop two kids off (at two different places), drive to another city, park my car, and then take the train into work, where I will be working ALL day at a stressful job. He, on the other hand, is taking a nap right now (we just talked) and will be watching movies and sending out resumes.
Anyway, I’m glad to know that other people can relate to how I feel. I do plan on talking to him when I get home so he can understand how I was feeling and I’m also going to be more concious of what I say to not make him feel guilty about the fact he was laid-off.
Post # 15
I have done exactly the same thing. FI has been unemployed since April when he was laid off from his freelance gig and technically Nov 08 since he was laid off from his reg. job at a cable ntwk. I know what you mean about him not looking as hard as you would. I might ask what his field is thought. FI is in marketing & Ad Sales for TV. Companies & channels that are having a hard time selling commercial/promo time aren’t hiring people to sell it.
I will say, he cleans, cooks and I haven’t done laundry in about 8 months. He can run silly errands during the week (dry cleaning, groceries etc) so that it frees up time for us to actually spend time together on the weekends. I have to admit it’s also come in really handy — florist meeting at 1pm on a Wed? Sure thing. It’s like I’m marrying my wedding planner! LOL
Post # 16
Whoops, I was writing when you posted your last comment. Can he bring the kids to school in the morning?
FI has been trying to keep himself wake up with me in the morning when I leave for work and walk me to the train to get himself on a schedule. He had a good point – you wake up, walk to the train, then sit in front of a computer all day – so that’s what he does at home.