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I was a terrible MOH :(

posted 2 years ago in Bridesmaids
1 Members Subscribed To Topic

177 posts

Blushing bee

mandiehoward December 17, 2012 North Carolina

Hello Guys,

I hope I don't sound like a selfish person here. I have a very close girlfriend that got married about 6 yrs ago. She asked her cousin to be her MOH, but she couldn't do it for financial reasons, so she asked me. I was a little insulted about being her second choice, but she was honest about me being the second person she asked and I somehow felt that it was ok to ask me.... Anyway, she asked me and I immediately told her that I didn't want to do it because at the time I was working a full time and a part time job while going to school part time. Not to mention a 9 yr old daughter and a very new relationship! I told her that I would, but I'd rather just come and support or take on another role in her wedding. She begged and begged and finally I said yes. I didn't know my responsibilities. I had never been to a wedding in my life! I didn't know what was expected of me. She told me to just show up on her wedding day, walk down with the best man and hold her flowers for her. So, I thought to myself, I certainly can and will do this for her. WELL, we got into this crazy argument about the color of my dress. She wanted me to wear this huge gold dress that cost a lot of money. I told her that first of all, I wasn't going to wear a gold dress and second of all, I'm not paying that much for a dress that I will not never wear again. She agreed to change the color of my dress to a champagne color which ultimately changed the color of her wedding ...I know what you guys are thinking and somewhere deep down inside I feel that you are right.

I wasn't informed that I was suppose to have any parties for her or anything like that, so I didn't do any of it. I guess her sisters gave her a wedding shower, bachelorette party etc. and if they did, they didn't bother to invite me and I didn't miss it because I was busy with my jobs, school child etc. I didn't find out about these parties until I joined this site! I immediately thought to myself, Oh! My! God! was I suppose to do more than what I did for her? I didn't do very much for her and I now feel terrible! Now, here I am getting married and i don't know how to approach her with this. I haven't told her that I am engaged and of course I'm not planning to ask her to be in my wedding. She is no longer married to this man( creep and drug addict) I'm sorry, I don't know why I felt that I had to make that point, but for some reason I still feel that it's relevant.... I didn't like him because he took her and their child through so much and I tried to talk her out of marrying him, but she loved him and so I respected her decision to go through with the wedding. He was actually at their wedding high as a kite!

Anyway, what do I say to her now that I am engaged? Am I wrong for not asking her to be in my wedding? I seriously don't think she would want to be in it anyway. Our relationship has drifed somewhat over the years, not because of the wedding but because of our crazy ways. I love her though and she is like a sister to me, but I don't know if I should apologize about the way I acted during her special day years ago-Or- should I just not bring it up since it was so long ago and just invite her to my wedding? Should I ask her to be in it.... What do you guys think? Oh and I know that some of you or All of you may want to bash me for not being there for her, but I swear, I didn't know that I was suppose to do any of the things that MOH do for the bride. Now that I know, I want to somehow apologize without her thinking that I am apologizing only because I am now getting married. As I look back on her wedding, I wasn't there for her and I really should have just worn the gold dress. I hate myself for not wearing that dress for her.

OK, Let the bashing begin!

2 years ago

Hostess

3,751 posts

Honey bee

ccranetobe August 14, 2010

Lol first of all we dont bash on here :) you didnt know. There isnt anything wrong about that. Life throws curveballs. I know I didnt know what to do until about the 3rd wedding I was in, and was older!

Anyway, what do I say to her now that I am engaged? I think that you should write her a letter, if your feeling guilty about it all. A nice heartfelt letter can always mean the world.

Am I wrong for not asking her to be in my wedding? As you have said your relationship has drifted and your not close. Dont feel guilty.

-Or- should I just not bring it up since it was so long ago and just invite her to my wedding?I think and invite to the wedding would be a nice touch. You shouldnt feel obligated for her to be apart of it. If you would like her to be in it, maybe she could do a reading or something like that? You dont have to organise that now, but it could be something you can organise 1 or 2 months out if your still feeling guilty. As you said everything happened 6 years ago. People change alot in 6 years. Some friends I was with 6 years ago, im not friends with now. If you choosing someone to be in your bridal party. Choose someone who you feel you have a life long connection too. I know I have a few old souls in my bridal party that I feel 10 -20years time we will still be friends and that has made the wedding planning alot easier. anyway it worked for me.

2 years ago

366 posts

Helper bee

tobin

Invite her. She would be more hurt not invited than invited. And besides, you think of her like a sister. She doesn't need to be in your bridal party, but she could come to the wedding right?

You love her, she loves you. Friends are worth fighting for and communicating with. So, talk to her. Tell her you are so sorry that you couldn't organise those things. Don't make excuses with her about school, kids, etc. Just tell her that now you are getting married you are learning about weddings and you've found out about these things, and you are so sorry for being such a newbie when you were her MOH. Invite her to have an awesome time at your bachelorette party and shower. Also, she's divorced! Tell her that next time you'll be experienced and you'll make it a time she'll never forget.

Have an awesome wedding!

2 years ago

Member

625 posts

Busy bee

bridepower August 14, 2010

No bashing. It sounds like you did your best. I mean first of all, you WERE her second choice. You DID make it clear to her that it probably wouldn't work for you and yet she begged and begged so she knew full well the limitations. She also almost made you pay a lot of money for a dress. I was very considerate of what my bridesmaids wanted to wear as well as their wallets. She also told you all you had to do was show up. So what else were you going to do? And those ladies didn't invite you to the other stuff. And like you said you didn't know much about weddings so it makes sense you didn't get much done. I think you were put in an awkward spot. Don't beat yourself up.

Don't ask anyone into the bridal party that you don't want to. If she's hurt, explain why this is your choice, nicely of course.

2 years ago

Member

3,755 posts

Honey bee

amariem25 October 2009

I do think you weren't a very good MOH, but you were probably young at the time and didn't know any better. I'm sure you did hurt the bride's feelings a lot though. I would not ask this girl to be in your wedding. She probably would not want to be in it since you didn't do much for her.

I'd invite her to the wedding. I'm sure since it's been 6 years since her wedding that she doesn't really think about being in weddings anymore. She probably won't care at all that you dont ask her to be in it. She'd be ok with being a guest I would assume.

2 years ago

Member

520 posts

Busy bee

Miss Lily August 1, 2008 TX

@amariem25- Your wedding anniversary is my birthday! :)

Ok, to reply to the post: You explained to her that you were too busy to take on the responsibilities and she wanted you to do it still. I vote invite her to your wedding, and if you really feel like you need to say anything to her about the past, write her a letter. No need to feel guilty. Water under the bridge right?

2 years ago

Member

1,398 posts

Bumble bee

jenbrandner Aug 7, 2010 Wisconsin

Well if she said you don't have to do anything except walk down the aisle holding a bouquet of flowers, then there's nothing wrong for believing her! I explained to my sister in detail what her duties as MOH are going to be, including a shower. :)

I'm actually surprised the sisters threw the shower and bacchelorette party without inviting you. That just seems weird and I wonder if it was done out of spite for some reason.

As far as arguing over the color of the dress, tisk tisk! ;) I'm standing up in someone else's wedding next week wearing a style of dress I would NEVER have picked out myself, but it fits her style and her wedding theme so I will wear it and not complain.

2 years ago