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Bees-
I am posting under a "fake" profile because I am so humiliated that I cannot bear to post under a "real" profile, as that would somehow make what I'm going through even more real.
Long story short. My husband and I have been married for just under a year. We had dated for about 3.5 years before getting married. I trusted him with my life and we had just decided to start trying to conceive.
Last night my world fell apart. We were having a very frank conversation about our medical histories (both personal and familial) as part of the TTC process.It was then that he decided to confess to having had sex with another woman. We began dating in January, 2007 and he cheated on me in January, 2008.
He said he was home for the holidays (we were both in grad school at the time) at the he and his buddy "got really drunk at a bar and it just happened."
I could go into details, but from my prospective, that's all you/I need to know.
I am at a total and complete loss. I have been screaming and crying since 10pm last night and finally kicked him out about an hour ago. My eyes are too tired to cry. I feel like my entire world just crashed in and I have no idea what to do.
Is this something I should ever expect to get over? He begged and pleaded for me to "give him another chance to be the husband I deserve" and that "it would never happen again" and all the pointless, mindless things one says when they just confessed to cheating. But I feel numb. I don't think I could ever look at him the same way. Let alone start a family with him and build my entire future with him.
At the same time, I do not feel ready to give up. How pathetic is that?? I love him so much and we are (were) so good together. I thought this was the man for me. I thought I was done. This was it. This was my life.
Bees- is there any reason I should give him a second chance? Have any of you ever been cheated on and learned to love, respect and REALLY trust them again?
@wheretogo: Ok he cheated on you 1 year into dating but long before you were married. And you kicked him out for being honest.
HMMMM that just seems to be harsh. You two need to talk but your reaction seems to be very over the top and you are teaching him not to be honest in the future.
I hope you can work it out.
Yes I do think you should give him a chance.
People to make mistakes and yes some are worse than others. It was an indiscretion early in the relationship and he came clean about it. That doesnt make it right, but it does indicate to me that he regrets it and will not repeat the behavior.
I do think you should continue to talk about what you both need to move forward. If you decide to try to move forward, it doesnt mean you forget, but you do have to forgive. Which means you can't hold it over his head. On the other hand he has to prove to you that he is trustworthy and honest to rebuild the trust.
I don't think the reaction was over the top. He lied.. for YEARS. Even married this girl without telling her about this. I'd be boiling. An overreaction would be actual bodily harm. I think he got off pretty decent.
I don't really have any advice... other than, I've been cheated on before.. by a serial cheater.. and honestly I never was able to look at him the same again. I guess there are people out there who somehow figure out a way to, but I know that I can't.
Good luck, sweetie. I really hope that things work out for the best.
I agree with the PP. It was early in the relationship. How serious were you guys? It's not ok by any means, but I think you should forgive him.
@unixfairy: <---I've got to say, I agree. This was a long time ago and he obviously thinks of it as a huge mistake. You've built a life together since then, and unless there are other women he's not telling you about (which I honestly doubt), it's one not built on lies, but love and respect. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want a second chance?
@unixfairy: Yes my reaction was very, very harsh. But he lied to me. For 4.5 years. We have watched friends relationships die and he always says "I would never hurt you like that" or "I'm glad we don't ever have to worry about that."
It's not so much the infidelity (though, don't get me wrong, that in and of itself is angering to say the least). It's the years of keeping it from me. I've read posts from bees who have cheated on their men while drunk or in a bad way and readers suggest Not confessing because it would just hurt their SO if the cheating meant nothing.
He married me. He and I promised each other to be loyal and faithful and trusting, in front of all of our friends and family. But last night everything I thought was true about him melted away. Or rather, was ripped away when he told me. HOnestly I dont know if it would have been better for him to have kept it to himself and taken it to the grave. Instead I am the one who has to live knowing my husband cheated and lied to me.
I know it sounds harsh, but just because it happened several years ago, I am expected to just forgive and forget?
I will apologize for other posters who are not being compassionate. I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time. <<HUGS>> Your reaction is NOT over the top! I completly understand why you acted the way you did. What HE did was wrong wrong wrong! But, it is in the past and it sucks. It sucks that he married you with that lie. But I am sure all the guilt he has carried around for has been really hard on him. He obviously loves you very much and this was a one time thing. I think you can trust him again because he came clean....I am actually surprised he told you after this long. I highly recommend counseling. What he did was sooo wrong and you need ot be able to build back that trust. Def should stop TTC for now.
I disagree with unixfairy. you' reaction was not over the top. It is totally understandable that you are so hurt that the man you thought was loyal to you for a year, cheated on you, (married or not). It's understandable that you need time to process your emotions and collect your thoughts.
it's difficult to say what i would do in that situaiton because i don't think anyone really knows until/unless they are faced with it. I would probably stay with him if it was just a one time thing and not a full on affair. And it would take A LOT of time and effort to gain my trust back.
If your relationship with him is otherwise great, i don't think one stupid mistake is worth throwing it out the window, especially because it happened so long ago and presumably has never happened since.
he cheated once. 3 years ago. he was honest enought o tell you. it wont heal over night but it will take time and lots of talking. he hasnt cheted since and he wont do it again after this. give him another chance. they say once a cheater always a cheater. i used to cheat on my ex (he was cheating first and would lie to me about it at least i told him i was he didnt believe me) i have never ever cheated on my fiance since we became official.
I absolutely understand why you are angry and hurt enough to kick him out of the house. It's shocking and I don't know anyone who wouldn't be repulsed and hurt if their newlywed husband told them that.
That said, you have to decide if the life you can lead together is enough for you to forgive him for it and move on. If you decide to stay with him though, you need to move past it. I know it's all new and horrific to you right now, and you probably don't know how you can get past it, but maybe it would be good for you two to talk to a professional counselor.
Yes, you are allowed to forgive him. Yes, couples get over cheating all the time (as long as he has really changed). But it's going to be something only you know if you can do. If you do decide to stay with him, you CANNOT lord this over him if you want your marriage to heal.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Big hugs...
As a follow-up, we were quite "Serious" in my book by year 1. This was actually the first time we had not seen each other for more than about 48 hours since we had started dating. We were in love. We were already talking about the future. It was definitely a monogamous relationship.
Also, I feel like fessing up at this point doesn't really count as fessing up. He only told me because there was a health risk issue (in other news, they didn't use any protection). I feel as though if I hadn't asked directly, he never would have said anything.
How does one prove they are worthy of broken trust? How do I learn to forgive? It hurts so badly right now I can barely keep typing. I have been nothing but loyal to him.
@wheretogo: Can you take a couple days to yourself away from him to get over the shock of this news? This isn't the kind of information your body and your soul can just process right away.
@wheretogo: OK my FI cheated on me 2 years into our dating relationship not a drunk 1 night stand but a passionate affair with a coworker of both of ours. It was humiliating and painful. I got to watch them everyday while he lied that they were just friends etc. On the day I knew for sure - I walked into his OFFICE AT WORK closed the door and slapped him as hard as I could. I then stomped out.
We were still best friends though and he has messed up his life on so many levels - he was unhappy and basically trying to destroy everything and not realizing it. He worked through it with counselling and his best friend (me) and along the way we learned to love each other much more deeply. We are now 2.5 years into it again and much stronger and smarter people now. And we have dealt with it and have talked about it and he knows. Was it easy, no. Did the scars heal, yes.
I am not saying what your husband did was right. But he did trust you enough to tell you now that you are married. You need to decide if you can see this as a gift and use it to make your marriage stronger.
I am really sorry you are dealing with this mess. ( Also sorry I didn;t say it sooner). But like a previous poster said, he probably lived with this guilt for a very long time. He most likely has learned his lesson. No matter what you decide to do, it will be the best decision for you, but all I can say it this: People makes mistakes. Please remember that. No one is perfect, and that's ok. Sometimes fogiving and forgetting is best, sometimes it's not.
I hope for only the best.
yikes, i am so sorry this is happening to you. i want to vote, but i can't seem to make a decision on what i do. its conflicting because had you found this out when it happened, chances are you would have left him and been done - so why should that change because he didn't tell you when he should have. on the other hand, it seems like he has been faithful ever since and therefore not a serial cheater and you can probably trust him AND you have the past few of your relationship that was built, so there are your reasons to stay. i would say give it some time, take a break from him whatever you need to sort out your feelings before making any final decisions.
@unixfairy: Thank you for sharing; I am so sorry you had to go through that and am so happy to hear you and your FI are stronger than ever. No matter what the exact circumstances, this is never easy.
Thank you, everyone else, for the comments. Please keep them coming. (ha, lord knows I am just sitting here staring at the computer, still numb)
Gah, couples counseling seems like a good idea, but expensive. I know there is nothing more important to spend $ on, but we are so broke with student loans that I honestly don't know if we could afford it.
@soupycat: yes, luckily(?) he is going away on sunday and will be gone the entirety of next week. To leave me. Alone. With my thoughts. And our puppy.
@wheretogo: You might not want to hear this but if it was a one-night stand, one-time indiscretion and you were only dating at the time, he did the right thing by not telling you. I understand your feelings and the extent of your anger but if you were not engaged or married at the time and he has not cheated since, I think you need to be a little more rational.
Give it a bit of time and find a way to talk to him without screaming and crying. And think about this: when he realized he had to be completely honest about his past because of a medical reason, he manned up and did it even though he knew how angry you would be.
He was telling the truth when he married you and said he promised to be faithful from that day forward. If you can forgive him for the lie and move on, it would be best. Because if you love him and he's been a good husband this is not a reason to throw the relationship out. You ARE entitled to feel the way you do, but this is something you should try and work out.
Lastly, some people are going to disagree with this statement, but until you have an actual ring on your finger you are technically still single. You can be in a committed monogamous relationship but until you make that promise before God and your witnesses, you do not have a claim on that person. That's just my view and I'm not saying it's a free pass to cheat but remember he was not engaged or married to you when this happened. Would I be super pissed? Yes and yes! But he took a chance by telling you when really, he didn't ever have to if he want to. But he obviously cares about you enough to risk the fall-out so you can have a healthy baby.
@wheretogo: are you part of a church or anything like that that might have counseling services? I'd bet there are so low cost ones on your community too if you looked into it.
I want to say that I'm very sorry for what you are going through! I can only imagine how devastated you are! I would feel just as hurt and betrayed as you feel now. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do, be it forgive and forget or leave. YOU are the only one who can make that decision. And honestly, I think either option is valid. Should you think about it and find you cannot forgive him....there's no reason you should "have" to just forgive and forget and move on. He cheated on you. Yes it was awhile ago but it's still a big violation of your trust and you have every right to feel whatever emotions you feel. Should you decide you want to forgive and forget, then you have every right to do that as well. Bottom line, take some time to decide what YOU want to do! Some people can forgive and move on and others can't. You just need to decide what's best for you.
Again, I'm very sorry you're going through this and I wish you all the best!
@PutABirdOnIt: Who cares if you're "technically single"?? What's the point of saying that? They were in a committed, supposedly monogamous relationship.
@wheretogo: I just wanted to say that DH and I go to "family" counseling, which is SO much cheaper than couples counseling. Since you're married, you guys should technically qualify for "family" counseling. I know we pay the same when we both go as when just I go.
@SoupyCat: Please go back and read my last graph. It explains why I said that.
@PutABirdOnIt: You are stating contradictory points. You say "until you make that promise before God and your witnesses, you do not have a claim on that person."
But then you add that "I'm not saying it's a free pass to cheat."
But you can't have it both ways.
So essentially, you're saying you don't have a "claim" on the other person, but at the same time, they're not allowed to cheat on you. I'm not sure what you mean by "claim", but as a part of a committed, monogamous relationship, it's an understood rule you don't sleep with anyone else.
It seems that you are suggesting that in order to be in a relationship where you can expect not to be cheated on, you should make sure to marry that person.
This is a really horrible thing to be going through.
And of course what he did was terribly wrong. And you have every right to be very, very hurt -- all of us would be.
But do try to remember that it happened once, that he has not broken any vows, that you yourself made vows, and that you love him.
If the rest of your relationship has been good, remains good...you can probably work through this.
That doesn't mean you have to, but -- you can.
@SoupyCat: I get where you're coming from.. that's the same thing I thought when I read that post. If you don't have a "claim" on someone.. then what exactly makes them not "free" to cheat? I didn't understand.
You are in such an awful situation.... I'm so very sorry!
From what you have said, I feel like you really love your husband, and that he really loves you. I understand that he might not have confessed had you not been in the TTC situation, but he did. And he did it because he wants to have a healthy baby with you.
You are the only person that knows your relationship and what you need to do to go on. IMO, give him a chance. Couples counseling is expensive, but it might be worth it if it can repair the hurt feelings and trust issues you are now going through. You have trusted this man and he made a mistake.
Take some time to really think things through. Don't focus so much on what he did, but on what needs to be done to make you happy.
Best of luck to you! I hope everything works out for the best!
@SoupyCat: No, that's not what I'm saying. It's not that simple. lol Okay, let me try to clarify: Yes, you are technically and legally still single until you are married. If you are in a monogamous relationship, then the understanding is that you will be faithful to that person. But you ultimately aren't beholden, you can't lay claim to someone. You can hope they will be loyal to you.
But things don't always work out that way and people make mistakes. If I understand correctly, they were dating when this one-night stand happened. Not legally married. Doesn't excuse the behavior but I am with the majority who think she should work it out. I don't think it's necessary to tear apart a relationship for a minor indiscretion he made when they weren't even engaged yet. That was my point.
@PutABirdOnIt: Cheating is by definition a betrayal of trust and a breaking of an agreement between two people about what the rules of their relationship are. Cheating is whatever the couple defines it to be. If they had both agreed that they were "technically single" until they got engaged, then him sleeping with someone else would not be cheating. Since they had a agreement that they were in a monogamous relationship and were not going to sleep with other people, what he did was a betrayal and a lie, and rings have nothing to do with it.
Also, a large portion of the OP's hurt feelings are coming from the fact that it took 4.5 years for her to find out, so the indiscretion wasn't entirely long before they were engaged. It was in some ways ongoing up until now.
Not saying that she shouldn't try to work it out. I just don't think minimizing her feelings by saying "you weren't even engaged then" is fair
That's a really tough question. I think forgiveness depends on your relationship. If there's enough between you, then maybe it's worth working through. If your relationship is weak anyway and this is the last (heavy) straw, maybe not.
Thank you all for the posts. I didn't mean to spark an argument as to the definition of 'cheating.' Suffice it to say, I am not a religious person and although I take the marriage vows we recited VERY seriously, I was already holding him to those promises before we were engaged/married.
@purpleunicorn: EXACTLY. I would have fled. I would have ran for the hills if I had found out at the time, which is why I don't understand how it should be any easier for me to stay now. That being said, I would have been able to make the choice THEN. I could have chosen to give him a second chance and move on from there. But now, NOW I not only have to forgive the drunken hookup, I have to forgive years of lies.
To all PP, yes, other than last night he is an amazing husband. I'm not exactly in the mood to gush to you all about the wonderful things he does for me, but other than this he is perfect.
BUT, I don't know how to look at him anymore. He was the one person I thought I could trust forever and now I feel the fool for having been lied to all this time.
@2ndtimeacharm, When you are in a serious relationship, yes, you are beholden, or obligated, to be faithful to the other person.
As OP said, she was in a serious relationship at one year. They were in love. This was the first time they were apart for 48 hours in a while.
@goldenapple82: I didn't say it wasn't cheating. I guess I'm trying to say that I feel (my opinion only!) that there are degrees of cheating. And I find cheating after taking a vow to be faithful, with a ring on your finger to more egregious than cheating while you are still dating someone.
And not to belabor the point but you are a single person until you are married. Period. You can be dating, in a relationship, living together but until you are legally married, you are single. And again, that's just my opinion. I expected disagreement, which is fine but I'm not changing my stance. So don't anyone try:)
And let me add, I'm not minimizing OP's situation at all. She has a right to be devasted but I will say again, since she has a poll and has asked for opinions, she should work it out and stay in the marriage, based on what she has chosen to reveal about her relationship.
@wheretogo: You seem like you guys really do have a great relationship besides this one instance which is some time ago. I do hope you can eventually get past it and work it out.
Im so sorry you are going through this. I dont think you reaction was unreasonable and i would have done the same thing. You are the only one who knows if you can deal with this or get over it. Whether you decide to stay or go, its not going to be easy and your relationship has changed forever.
I would not make any decision now. Cool down for a few days and stay away from him. Then decide if the relationship is worth fighting for. Yes he was wrong for cheating and lying, and of course you dont know if you will ever be able to trust him again. But people make mistakes and if it truly was a drunken one night stand, and he never did it again counseling might be a good idea. Marriage is difficult, and no ones relationship is perfect, thats why you have to do everything you can possibly do to make it work before you give up.
Whatever you decide, i hope everything works out for you.
@2ndtimeacharm: For what it's worth, I was not at all offended by your words and actually found comfort in them. Like I said, I am not religious so although my wedding vows meant the world to me, I already felt like they were in full force and effect. But yes, we were technically single when he cheated.
I absolutely want to hear opinions form everyone, so please keep them coming. I am still numb but ALL of your words help bring this into perspective and I cant tell you how much I appreciate your taking the time to comment.
If anyone has any nuggets as to how they learned to re-trust someone, I'm all ears.
I just want to lend some support and i guess all i can add is that there is no reason you have to make a decision on this right away. I would take time (as much as you need) and get some space. Good luck!
I am so sorry you're going through this.
a small point from me is he sounds really fantastic in every other way and based on what you've written, I honestly get the feeling that this was a one time slip up and thats it.
Out of all the cheating threads I've read, yours sounds like the top one that could be truly healed through time and therapy.
@wheretogo: I am so sorry... Yes, if you had found out back then, you probably would have fled and not look back... but you would also have passed beside a man that you say have been wonderful to you, and passed beside the happiness and life that you two built together after those events.
What he did was wrong, there is no denying this. I can understand though, why if it was a one-time huge mistake, he would not tell because he wanted to be with you and not hurt you so bad. Not that it's right to do this, but we often have the debate here of to tell or not to tell and there are good arguments on both sides.
I am worried that there was no protection used with this other lady... have you always use protection while together? You might want to get tested.
You have the right to be angry right now, and hurt, and disgusted, and to not want to look at his bright side. But from what you have posted, he does seem to love you very much and if you can find it in your heart to forgive him, you can still have the great life you planned together.
Take your time to think and decide what you want to do from this point on. Truth is, some people can get past it, some can't, and which future do you think is better for you: work together to get past this, or is it better for you to walk away and start from scratch with someone else someday; someone who may or may not be as good for you.
@wheretogo: I'm so glad you weren't offended! I tend to be very no-nonsense and not mushy when I give advice. Take some to time to gain perspective. Take care of yourself, do something nice and pampering while you figure this out. And it does sound like you are fully capable of working through this. And despite everything, he sounds like a good guy.
I really wish you much luck and even {{{hugs}}} even though it's not like me to throw those around:)
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