Post # 1
I am posting under a “fake” profile because I am so humiliated that I cannot bear to post under a “real” profile, as that would somehow make what I’m going through even more real.
Long story short. My husband and I have been married for just under a year. We had dated for about 3.5 years before getting married. I trusted him with my life and we had just decided to start trying to conceive.
Last night my world fell apart. We were having a very frank conversation about our medical histories (both personal and familial) as part of the TTC process.It was then that he decided to confess to having had sex with another woman. We began dating in January, 2007 and he cheated on me in January, 2008.
He said he was home for the holidays (we were both in grad school at the time) at the he and his buddy “got really drunk at a bar and it just happened.”
I could go into details, but from my prospective, that’s all you/I need to know.
I am at a total and complete loss. I have been screaming and crying since 10pm last night and finally kicked him out about an hour ago. My eyes are too tired to cry. I feel like my entire world just crashed in and I have no idea what to do.
Is this something I should ever expect to get over? He begged and pleaded for me to “give him another chance to be the husband I deserve” and that “it would never happen again” and all the pointless, mindless things one says when they just confessed to cheating. But I feel numb. I don’t think I could ever look at him the same way. Let alone start a family with him and build my entire future with him.
At the same time, I do not feel ready to give up. How pathetic is that?? I love him so much and we are (were) so good together. I thought this was the man for me. I thought I was done. This was it. This was my life.
Bees- is there any reason I should give him a second chance? Have any of you ever been cheated on and learned to love, respect and REALLY trust them again?
Post # 3
@wheretogo: Ok he cheated on you 1 year into dating but long before you were married. And you kicked him out for being honest.
HMMMM that just seems to be harsh. You two need to talk but your reaction seems to be very over the top and you are teaching him not to be honest in the future.
I hope you can work it out.
Post # 4
Yes I do think you should give him a chance.
People to make mistakes and yes some are worse than others. It was an indiscretion early in the relationship and he came clean about it. That doesnt make it right, but it does indicate to me that he regrets it and will not repeat the behavior.
I do think you should continue to talk about what you both need to move forward. If you decide to try to move forward, it doesnt mean you forget, but you do have to forgive. Which means you can’t hold it over his head. On the other hand he has to prove to you that he is trustworthy and honest to rebuild the trust.
Post # 5
I don’t think the reaction was over the top. He lied.. for YEARS. Even married this girl without telling her about this. I’d be boiling. An overreaction would be actual bodily harm. I think he got off pretty decent.
I don’t really have any advice… other than, I’ve been cheated on before.. by a serial cheater.. and honestly I never was able to look at him the same again. I guess there are people out there who somehow figure out a way to, but I know that I can’t.
Good luck, sweetie. I really hope that things work out for the best.
Post # 6
I agree with the PP. It was early in the relationship. How serious were you guys? It’s not ok by any means, but I think you should forgive him.
Post # 7
@unixfairy: <—I’ve got to say, I agree. This was a long time ago and he obviously thinks of it as a huge mistake. You’ve built a life together since then, and unless there are other women he’s not telling you about (which I honestly doubt), it’s one not built on lies, but love and respect. If the roles were reversed, wouldn’t you want a second chance?
Post # 8
@unixfairy: Yes my reaction was very, very harsh. But he lied to me. For 4.5 years. We have watched friends relationships die and he always says “I would never hurt you like that” or “I’m glad we don’t ever have to worry about that.”
It’s not so much the infidelity (though, don’t get me wrong, that in and of itself is angering to say the least). It’s the years of keeping it from me. I’ve read posts from bees who have cheated on their men while drunk or in a bad way and readers suggest Not confessing because it would just hurt their SO if the cheating meant nothing.
He married me. He and I promised each other to be loyal and faithful and trusting, in front of all of our friends and family. But last night everything I thought was true about him melted away. Or rather, was ripped away when he told me. HOnestly I dont know if it would have been better for him to have kept it to himself and taken it to the grave. Instead I am the one who has to live knowing my husband cheated and lied to me.
I know it sounds harsh, but just because it happened several years ago, I am expected to just forgive and forget?
Post # 9
I will apologize for other posters who are not being compassionate. I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time. <<HUGS>> Your reaction is NOT over the top! I completly understand why you acted the way you did. What HE did was wrong wrong wrong! But, it is in the past and it sucks. It sucks that he married you with that lie. But I am sure all the guilt he has carried around for has been really hard on him. He obviously loves you very much and this was a one time thing. I think you can trust him again because he came clean….I am actually surprised he told you after this long. I highly recommend counseling. What he did was sooo wrong and you need ot be able to build back that trust. Def should stop TTC for now.
Post # 10
I disagree with unixfairy. you’ reaction was not over the top. It is totally understandable that you are so hurt that the man you thought was loyal to you for a year, cheated on you, (married or not). It’s understandable that you need time to process your emotions and collect your thoughts.
it’s difficult to say what i would do in that situaiton because i don’t think anyone really knows until/unless they are faced with it. I would probably stay with him if it was just a one time thing and not a full on affair. And it would take A LOT of time and effort to gain my trust back.
If your relationship with him is otherwise great, i don’t think one stupid mistake is worth throwing it out the window, especially because it happened so long ago and presumably has never happened since.
Post # 11
he cheated once. 3 years ago. he was honest enought o tell you. it wont heal over night but it will take time and lots of talking. he hasnt cheted since and he wont do it again after this. give him another chance. they say once a cheater always a cheater. i used to cheat on my ex (he was cheating first and would lie to me about it at least i told him i was he didnt believe me) i have never ever cheated on my fiance since we became official.
Post # 12
I absolutely understand why you are angry and hurt enough to kick him out of the house. It’s shocking and I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be repulsed and hurt if their newlywed husband told them that.
That said, you have to decide if the life you can lead together is enough for you to forgive him for it and move on. If you decide to stay with him though, you need to move past it. I know it’s all new and horrific to you right now, and you probably don’t know how you can get past it, but maybe it would be good for you two to talk to a professional counselor.
Yes, you are allowed to forgive him. Yes, couples get over cheating all the time (as long as he has really changed). But it’s going to be something only you know if you can do. If you do decide to stay with him, you CANNOT lord this over him if you want your marriage to heal.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Big hugs…
Post # 13
As a follow-up, we were quite “Serious” in my book by year 1. This was actually the first time we had not seen each other for more than about 48 hours since we had started dating. We were in love. We were already talking about the future. It was definitely a monogamous relationship.
Also, I feel like fessing up at this point doesn’t really count as fessing up. He only told me because there was a health risk issue (in other news, they didn’t use any protection). I feel as though if I hadn’t asked directly, he never would have said anything.
How does one prove they are worthy of broken trust? How do I learn to forgive? It hurts so badly right now I can barely keep typing. I have been nothing but loyal to him.
Post # 14
@wheretogo: Can you take a couple days to yourself away from him to get over the shock of this news? This isn’t the kind of information your body and your soul can just process right away.
Post # 15
@wheretogo: OK my FI cheated on me 2 years into our dating relationship not a drunk 1 night stand but a passionate affair with a coworker of both of ours. It was humiliating and painful. I got to watch them everyday while he lied that they were just friends etc. On the day I knew for sure – I walked into his OFFICE AT WORK closed the door and slapped him as hard as I could. I then stomped out.
We were still best friends though and he has messed up his life on so many levels – he was unhappy and basically trying to destroy everything and not realizing it. He worked through it with counselling and his best friend (me) and along the way we learned to love each other much more deeply. We are now 2.5 years into it again and much stronger and smarter people now. And we have dealt with it and have talked about it and he knows. Was it easy, no. Did the scars heal, yes.
I am not saying what your husband did was right. But he did trust you enough to tell you now that you are married. You need to decide if you can see this as a gift and use it to make your marriage stronger.
Post # 16
I am really sorry you are dealing with this mess. ( Also sorry I didn;t say it sooner). But like a previous poster said, he probably lived with this guilt for a very long time. He most likely has learned his lesson. No matter what you decide to do, it will be the best decision for you, but all I can say it this: People makes mistakes. Please remember that. No one is perfect, and that’s ok. Sometimes fogiving and forgetting is best, sometimes it’s not.
I hope for only the best.