Post # 1
This is small, but it kinda ruins my good feelings sometimes. Does anyone else’s SO ever say, “I was gonna do ‘blank’ for you, but didn’t because of…”?
Yesterday my BF told me he’d been trying to order me some flowers but didn’t because the delivery days and prices were crazy at this time of year, to which I agreed, but all that left me feeling, instead “awww he WANTED to do something” I felt “what good does telling me you thought about it and didn’t do it do for me? I have no flowers, but have in my mind potential flowers exist which I will never have, now.”
I’d rather him just kep things like that to himself, because it really just aggravates me. We’ve had a rough time for years, partly because I’m the one who finished school and started working FT over 10 years ago, while he kinda goofed around, worked part-time after a while (8-12 hours a week) and finally managed to get a decent FT job about 3 years ago. All that time it was, “I wanted to get you something for your birthday/Christmas/Valentines… but couldn’t,” or “I’m going to get you something,” and he never did.
I realize with the job opportunities in our town being what they are, I’m not upset he couldn’t afford things – we’re in the same field and have not had access to decent transportation meaning if it wasn’t in town or walking distance it wasn’t a viable job. I’ve never been a diva of any sort who expects her man to buy her anything, even though I admit it’d be nice now and then. I don’t want to know you thought about it and then decided to not do something. Don’t tell me to expect something like a Christmas gift only to be silent when there’s nothing with your name to me under the tree – if you can’t or won’t do it, don’t say anything about it.
Grrr. Sorry. I guess yesterday he was trying to let me know he thought about me, but it just made me remember many disppointments, and I still have a stupid hope each and every holiday season he’ll finally get down on that knee, even knowing better this year especially, and it reminded me how different our ideas of the importance of “follow-through” are. He got giddy Friday when he told me my gift was ordered (and is now under the tree), but I know it’s definitely not the one thing I want, and am trying to get over my anticipated disappointment of what will most likely be another book or a reading device I could honeslty care less about right now, especailly when I try my best to surprise him every year with something I KNOW he wants/likes. I hate feeling so mean. Holidays suck, and so does PMS.
Post # 3
Ha FI has said that a couple times. I’ve told him back ” well I was going to have some wicked good sex with you tonight, but now I’m kinda burnt out and just want to sleep”.
Nice dose of instant karma ;D
Post # 4
“Holidays suck, and so does PMS.”<–love it.
FI used to make plans with me, and then back out. I hated it, just like it sounds like you hate it when he tells you that he “almost” did something. I finally just flat out told him to not make plans if he wasn’t 100% certain he could follow through with them. Since then, we haven’t had too many problems with it. Maybe you could talk to him about how you don’t want to hear what he has almost done for you? Sometimes it’s best to just lay it all out, maybe add charts and graphs to really paint the picture ;).
Post # 5
@Isilme: Hmmm, maybe I’m being too cynical but it sounds like he wants the credit for the gifts he thought about giving you. Yeah, not so much – particularly when its a recurring theme.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling him nicely that you’d prefer not to hear about things he didn’t do. Also – gifts don’t have to cost money (or very much).
Post # 6
@lisa105: Yeah, I can see tht. I’d honeslty be fine with just a quick text “Thinking of you”, and to be honest, this hasn’t been as bad as it used to be when we were younger. Yesterday, I think, since I was home sick and haven’t been in the best festive mood due to family probelms on both sides, his and mine, it just irked me, reminding me of days that are mostly past.
Knowing that he’s told me he’s not where he wants to be before getting engaged, it’s not his fault I can’t stop wanting a ring each and every holiday. My expectations are my own worst holiday killer, along with bad memories of nasty childhood Christmas’ and no ties to family for me.
I know he’s working to get his sh!t together, finally, and he admits he’s about 5 years off where he should be chronologically because he wasted time when he was younger. It’s just that sometimes I can’t fight the negative feelings, like my resistance is low, and what I should have interpreted as “I thought of you today” I took to mean, I almost did something for you but then changed my mind.” It just used to happen a lot, and you’re right, he kinda wantd a cookie for thinking of doing something, and this doesn’t apply to just his dealings with me.
For a while he’d talk with people about projects he wanted to work on in his spare time, but then wouldn’t, and he couldn’t see he was the boy who cried wolf, that no one wants to hear about things you’re not really doing. I think I’ve finally got it through to him that he shouldn’t talk about things anymore unless they’re done, AND he’s finally working on organizing his life, taking care of getting back into college so he can progress with his career and so on – it’s just been a long time coming.
Post # 7
If it were once or twice, I can understand. Circumstances prevail after all. But this seems to be happening regularly. Just use the ‘wicked sex’ line the PP mentioned. Lol!
Or just nicely let him know that you understand things are difficult for him and you rather not get your hopes up for no results. Tell him it hurts your feelings too that you were told to expect something but never got. That does not make you feel special, but it makes you feel insulted.