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Ugh. I'm so sorry. People like that are insufferable and oftentimes I find myself in trouble because I have a problem with my mental filter, let's say. If I'm thinkin' it, it tends to come out in one way or another. You did the right thing by just letting her prattle on about how fabulous she is. Maybe next time don't throw out any compliments, but be the bigger person. She sounds totally self-absorbed and useless. If I were you I'd just avoid/ignore her. She's not a friend if she's gonna give you that kind of BS. And don't let her make you feel down about your life or your wedding. She may have more money, but you are a better person.
Well obviously she doesnt know the proper etiquette when it comes to not bragging and discussing money with someone. LOL. I wouldnt let her bother you clearly she has no class if she wants to behave like this. And you definitely showed alot of class by listening to her and being nice! Sometimes the best thing is just to smile and get through it. LOL. She is probably stressing about all of her big wedding plans! Poor thing just wanted to bring someone else down to her level. You will have a wonderful wedding regardless if your budget isnt as high as hers. My FH says what people should see is wow you planned this on a budget of that size! So thats our goal to be as creative as we can be and not a "cookie-cutter" wedding. Sorry I had to vent because I cant stand when people bring up money like that like they are better or something! :)
Oh no, she wasn't putting you down. She was trying to build herself up. Because, regardless of her salary, her home, the money they are spending on their wedding, that girl has pitifully low self esteem. Just feel sorry for her.
I agree with avoid/ignore!
I voted "yes sometimes" but not in the way you described. But who doesn't like to gush about what a sweety they have?! It's a shame when people can't be mutually excited for each other and feel the need to one up like that.
Ugh...we have some friends who are like this. As hard as it is, I just ignore it. And when they feel the need to tell me how great everything is, I just smile and nod. Truth is, I feel like people who have this constant need to brag about their lives and situations are only doing it to convince themselves that their lives are so great. Trust me, FI and I do well financially, we are planning a fairly expensive wedding that we are paying for ourselves, we have all of the same things (give or take) as the others, but we don't feel the need to boost ourselves by bragging about it.
When it really gets to you, just think about all the things that you have, and don't let yourself get sucked into comparing lives. Who knows, maybe she brags because she feels inferior to you.
huh, i wonder what her deal is. whatever it is, it's her, not you. what she did was rude and upsetting, but just remember that it's her caught up in something that makes her feel the need to tell you, so try not to let it get you down!
i think it's okay that you didn't further engage her by defending yourself--she clearly wanted to talk, so she talked.
i fully support you venting to the FI. after that, though, like i said, it's not your problem.
Good call, Laylabelle - people who are content with themselves and their life don't brag about it. They are just happy people. The people who shove it in your face are trying to prove something. Like I HAVE THIS I HAVE THAT IM SO HAPPY MY LIFE IS SO GREAT - they are trying to tell themselves that, not trying to tell you that.
Thankyou all Ladies! The support actually brings tears to my eyes, lol. You guys are right.
@Kittyachi- I couldn't have said it better myself. Definitely don't compliment her next time, as a matter of fact, I would just glaze over and remain totally silent and uninterested. It'll probably make her feel embarassed for going on and on to someone who obviously doesn;t care and she won't do it again :) Unless she's just an idiot,lol
Well put Layla!
I was in this very situation yesterday. Was out to lunch with a very well to do friend complete with her 3 carat centrestone and Rolex watch. She just went on and on about how great her wedding was going to be. I sincerely believe her intention was not to make feel crappy about my own wedding. She's too self centred to realize I was getting married.
That is really frustrating, but she might not have done it on purpose. I have found myself in her situation before, completely unintentionally. I was talking to another recently engaged about how excited I was that I had found my dress. Before I knew it, I had shared my worry of ordering my dress too late so much that it came across as me implying she was behind schedule because she didn't have hers yet! It was not what I had intended and I felt really badly about the situation.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is try not to take it personally. Your friend is probably under a lot of stress right now and, even though she should have used her words more carefully, we all slip up.
@runskiclimb - I don't think the OP had a problem with this girl talking wedding-related stuff. It was more the fact that she was bragging about her and her husband's financial situation combined with her talking about wedding plans and making her feel like she didn't know anything. I think what you were talking about that you did is totally reasonable and not offensive.
I second layla's post! The people who feel the need to brag about all of that aren't secure with themselves, and need to belittle others to make themselves feel better. Definitely try to let it roll off your back and remember that you're marrying a wonderful guy!
I'm really amused by braggers or one-uppers (as in "my situation is so much worse/better/more stressfull/exciting/etc/etc than yours). I usually laugh to myself internally, bc I know they're just building themselves up and mean no harm. I usually say really condescending things to them, like "oh my Gosh, you should write a book bc you are so great." Or "You should have a reality show." But, they don't even get that I'm being facetious, bc they're so self-absorbed. I have one friend in particular, who is so much fun when she's not fluffing her feathers, but I avoid one on one time with her. I do get pissed when someone else in our group has something important going on and she can't let them have the damn spotlight, but she's like a train, and she just won't shut up, so we ignore her.
I'm sorry but I see you're from Washington, DC. I live there too. I'm not shocked. That's just how people can be around here sometimes.
My best friend spent around $100k on her wedding and she says looking back, she really wishes she had done a lot less. There were so many extras and unnecessary things that in hindsight she never would do. Keeping it simple is the best way to go. No one is going to remember how expensive anything looked. They're going to remember having fun. Just make sure to focus your whole wedding on that!
Thank you again Beautiful Bees. I'm honestly going to remember all of your advice. I feel so much better because I know you all are right and I'm glad I didn't sink to her level. She obviously has some underlying issues. I will DEF, avoid/ignore in the future.
Don't feel ridiculous!!! You should not give her any sign that you're feeling down about the things she's telling you. IF that's what she's trying to do (& it sounds like she is), then make it sound like it's not getting to you AT ALL. Me & my friend actually went through a thing like this while she was planning for her wedding. Her parents & my parents make about the same income, but she would tell me a lot about what she's going to have at her wedding, etc. I doubt she did this to put me down, but even though it did, I smiled for her and told her I was happy.
Your friend will probably realize that it's not phasing you at all, so then SHE'LL feel ridiculous. You did nothing wrong, feel good about yourself!! :) You're an amazing woman that's getting married July of next year!!!
I agree with Lees don't feel ridiculous, you were a graceful listener. More money doesn't always mean better we have proof with all the fabulous soirees that some of the creative bees around the hive have created on a budget.
Ugh. Sometimes people can be really socially tone deaf. Definitely don't take any of what she said personally. You've only met her twice so I assume she has no way of knowing your financial situation (especially since you're aware it's not polite to talk salaries with strangers!) and isn't out to make you feel badly. It probably just never occured to her that you might not be in similar circumstances and babbled accordingly.
Chalk it up to poor taste and remember that where it really counts: a loving and supportive FI, you're doing better than a lot of folks out there.
Yeah, I mean that's just so embarrassing for her, I almost feel bad. Who does that?? Weird.
Did you get engaged first? some people get engagement envy and if she got engaged first then it could be worse...weddings warp some people...she might be reacting that way because you're her 'competition', as crazy as that sounds.
Unless she becomes a stalker or verbally/physically abusive...ignore.
i'd probably have said wow i'm surprised you think that's responsible with the current economic state of our country, we'd never do anything like that. but i'm a bit naughty or you could say wow we are diy'g sooo many things to put our own touch on our wedding (but I'm pretty mean and catty sometimes lol) and are saving like 5,000 bucks :D
She was just trying to make herself feel better. Probably has low self esteem. Don't worry about it...it's her problem not yours.
You smiled and complimented her and that shows that you are the bigger person. I agree with others... low self esteem. How tacky is that to brag about the amount of money she will be spending on her wedding?? I wouldnt feel too sad for long or feel ridiculous.. i just wouldnt go out of the way to be her bff anytime soon.
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I currently know 4 people who are newly engaged. We all hang out in the same circle and that's not a good thing so far. I ran into one of the girls today and she not only felt the need to inform me of proper ettiquette that she thought "I didn't know" but she also bragged about her and her fiance's salaries, home, wedding plans, ect.... I could not get a word in edge wise and I felt like she was putting me down in a way because she knows my fiance and I don't make much $$ and we have not found a place yet. I smiled and was cordial but the conversation drained me a little and I actually felt a little sad for awhile. I've only met her 2 times before, but she was nothing like this.
I almost felt like she was trying to get me back for something I unknowingly did! All I know is that I can't wait to tell my Fiance when he gets off work. What's making me feel even more upset is that I didn't defend myself much. I actually complimented her on the things she was bragging about. I feel ridiculous...
Oh well, Any advice. Thank you Bees.