I was supposed to get married in a month

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1168 posts
Bumble bee

Wow. Hugs, girl. I’m so sorry for everything that you’ve been through. I hope you have a support group in your life to talk to about all of this. It sounds like it wasn’t his fault what he went through. I’m sure you still love him and if the medications are over and he is back to his normal self, maybe try giving him a shot? His family acted badly, but in the end if you marry him, they are far away and it’s the man you’re marrying and his family are just incidental. I hope you make it through this strongly and keep us updated!!

Post # 3
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee

LastGirlStanding:  wow! what an odd situation.

this is hard and i have never been in something like this. But you said it yourself, it is a common result for post-heart surgery patients. He also had all the textbook symtoms – it really sounds like he was heavily influenced whether by drugs or just the mental implications of having surgery.

I would be a little cautious, but would try to work things out. Is he expected to have anymore surgeries in the future? I think with him finishing his meds and continuing to see someone (perhaps together? as you have suffered trauma from this too!) you guys may be able to work thinsg out.

as for his family, it sounds like they werent there for him either? So i dont know if it was you directly that they were avoiding. Are you close with them? 

Post # 4
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

I can’t say I have experienced this nor do I know of anyone who has, but you said it’s pretty textbook with what is was going through. So why can’t it be true? Doesn’t mean that the pain it caused is any less real, but if was medically induced then why not see about picking up where you left off before the surgery? Have you talked to his doctor or therapist yet? That might be another step to take as well. 

As far as his family goes….. They didn’t show any interest in taking care of your FI after HEART SURGERY, what makes you think they’ll call you to check in over a cancelled wedding? Ignorethe family, but don’t give up on your FI. He stopped caring about everything during that time. Not just you. 

Post # 5
Member
2566 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I’m so sorry you’re going through this… I can’t contribute insight to the issue, but maybe give it some time.  Let your heart heal and see if things can go back to normal.  Don’t rush back into it.  I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 6
Member
6749 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would proceed with caution- and make counseling mandatory. Unusual circumstances!

Post # 7
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

This sounds like a terribly sad book or movie. I think you guys can make it work if he’s truly recovering from this depression. I’m rooting for you!

Post # 8
Member
8047 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Thats so hard! I’m just at least glad you hadnt mailed the invites. 

I would just go to dinner and listen to your heart/gut. Take your time and maybe continue to date. Your gut will know whether you want to forgive and rebuild or if it’s too much damage. Just give yourself time and space and listen to the truest little voice in your gut- not your guilt or anger or fear- just your truth. 

Post # 9
Member
6032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I have some close family friends, a couple, who have been married for 36 years. The husband is diabetic and has lost an arm to diabetes.  He also has had various organs fail over the years and several surgeries to reshape the stump left behind when his arm was amputated, which has to be done now and then to re-fit his prosthetic device.  He’s been averaging one major surgery every year or so, for the last 4-6 years, plus ends up in hospital about once a year for pneumonia or other illnesses.

He is usually given oxycodin for the surgeries as well as loads of other medications. When he is on the oxy, he becomes an incredibly angry, nasty man. He speaks to his wife (who is lovely) like she is stupid or a slave. He lashes out at her, and doesn’t care who else is in the room when it happens.  It is incredibly hurtful to watch.

But as soon as he is off the meds, he goes right back to putting his wife on a pedestal. Not because he is trying to make up for being a mean jackass but because that is how he genuinely feels about her. He cherishes her, and spoils her, and is exactly the way he was before he got sick.

So I absolutely believe that certain types of medications and certain types of physical trauma (because surgery is a major trauma) can completely alter someone’s personality.  I’ve seen the “on like a switch” behavior personally.  It’s real. And if your SO is pinning his hurtful behavior on the meds, I would be inclined to believe him.

That said, I have also seen how hard it is on my friend’s wife to be the whipping boy when her husband feels like lashing out. She’s been going through this for years and is learning how to just ignore what he says when he’s not in his right mind, but deep inside, it’s still got to be hurtful. So you have to ask yourself, can you learn to accept that sometimes your SO might go back to that “switched off” place, if he needs further surgery or meds?  Because it does not seem easy to me. But only you can tell if it is worth it.

Post # 10
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

LastGirlStanding:  Based upon your post, there seems to be a very real medical diagnosis associated with his behaviors.  Thankfully, he ‘bounced’ back from them, or so I hope.  I think it were me, I would cautiously see how things go, and some real soul searching. It sounds as if you love him unconditionally, and he has you, outside of these completely awful weeks of recovery.

My heart is telling me that any single one of us here, engaged or married, could encounter a health issue: mentally or physically with our partners, at any time.  To throw your hands up of the relationship seems ‘unfair’.  I think if the partner whom is ailing takes all the right steps to get better, and shows diligence toward becoming healthier, than being supportive is what we signed up for in our ‘happily ever after’.  Hopefully, for you, this was a temporary hardship to a major surgery.  

I think, in this circumstance, you need to hold onto hope, and love, and give it a go with him.  I am so sorry this happened, and I wish you all the best.

Post # 11
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I am SO sorry you are going through this. I highly suggest learning as much as you can about the PTSD and what the longterm prognosis is. Part of being a partner is being there for someone in sickness and health, but you really need to look at some facts about whether a persons emotional state after something like this can return to some normalcy. I would be patient for a while, but please don’t neglect your own needs and come to terms that you may have to move on. 

My boyfriend has combat PTSD from serving in the military. He was married to his high school sweetheart and when he came back from his second deployment his marriage fell apart because he was like a different person. PTSD is different in each person, but I don’t believe he will ever return to how he was. Trauma changes a person. 

So ask yourself if you can love the person he is now. This is like the new normal for him. He has been through a trauma with the surgery. Can you love him? Can you feel fulfilled with him? Personally I’d let things develop slowly, gather the information you need to make the most rational decision for yourself and know that whatever happens you WILL be okay. Period. 

 

Post # 12
Member
2264 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

LastGirlStanding:  My dad had open heart surgery twice. He wasn’t the same for a very long time. I’m still not sure if he’s entirely the same as he was before the surgery. He too suffers from post surgical depression. I’ve heard it is very common with heart surgery.

I think it’s a very strange thing to explain to other people, especially people who haven’t lived through it or who haven’t seen a loved one go through it. We so often hear, “but the surgery went so well! He’s doing so well!”

Every situation is different but if Z is anything like my dad, he genuinely did fall deeply into depression. If his situation is at all the same, he wasn’t showing his true colors — he was overwhelmed and overrun by a very serious chemical imbalance that he wasn’t even able to overcome at the time.

Be good to yourself and listen to what your heart is telling you. It sounds like he is a great guy who went through an exceedingly difficult time. I don’t think you’re a sucker for going back to him. Maybe I’m just sensitive to post-surgical depression but I have seen what it does to a loved one first hand and I genuinely believe there’s hope for you and Z if you’re ready to start dating again. 

Be well and let us know how you’re doing.

Post # 13
Member
1303 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base

Praying for peace, comfort, and clarity for both of you. 

Post # 14
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

25 years ago my dad had his aorta replaced with a pig valve.  Within 6 months of recovery he was having affairs.  Within 3 years he walked out on a 38 year marriage, 4 grown kids and has never looked back.

I saw him once shortly after he left and he almost couldn’t even remember his own grandkids’ names (my sons).  He said he just didn’t care anymore.  He couldn’t believe we were his family.  He said although the memories were there he can’t believe we were his family.

We found out years later, after all the studies were done, that he most likely sufferd from PSMI and decided to walk away from everything.  He never got help and I have never spoken to him since.  

I tell you this so that you know that ‘the switch’ is a real thing and Z could have ‘lost’ everything he used to have and had no control over it.  It would be wonderful if it truly was just the medication or if his body has now adjusted to the valve and his PSMI has ebbed because of that.  

Either way….I wouldn’t shut him right down until you see how he acts.  Listen to his words but believe what he does.  As the saying goes…it is what a person does, not what they say.

I wish you both the best for your birthday dinner!!!  Happy Birthday

 

 

Post # 15
Member
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

POCD (Postoperative Cognitive Dysfunction) does exist and it is real.  However, numerous studies have shown that it does decrease over time.  It tends to last longer (and be worse) in elderly patients, so your SO has his age on his side.

Best of luck, OP.

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