Post # 1
We are close friends with a married couple, Andrea and Jake. Andrea often complains to me that they have no money (she doesn’t work and doesn’t really intend to), they have too much debt ($100,000+ in student loans), and that they will never get ahead.
Andrea has asked me for money before and I broke my own rule by giving it to her (I knew I’d never get it back). It only happened a couple of times though. Anyway, we met up over the weekend and she told me thay are currently TTC and she is sure she is pregnant already.
This news makes my head spin. She couldn’t afford the coffee we were out to get, but she can afford a kid on Jake’s salary ($40,000/year). It puts so much pressure on Jake, who has given in to Andrea’s baby craze (he isn’t totally onboard for financial reasons).
I told her straight up she can’t ask me for money anymore if she is making this decision. I asked how she’d make it work and her answer is, “it will all work out” and she mentioned government assistance. This makes me MAD. I hate people like this.
She asked me to plan her baby shower, and I honestly don’t even want to see her or give her anything. She is making her bed and now she must lay in it. She wants THREE kids and they have a one bedroom apartment. I can’t afford kids yet and I make way more than her!
Anyway. She initially said she was going to wait, but that has changed. I have zero respect for this decision, this lifestyle, and for her as a person. Her selfishness and baby brain is compelling her to make a poor decision that will impact her, her husband, the poor kid, and society who has to fund it.
What would you do?
Post # 3
@MrsPanda99: People like this infuriate me. I know a girl like this. She wanted a baby NOW NOW NOW with her boyfriend and couldn’t understand why she couldn’t get pregnant, then when she finally did, the first thing she was asking about on facebook was how to get on government assistance and the WIC program. I just can’t comprehend why people think this A-OK.
ETA: as for what you should do, I would just tell her that you don’t feel comfortable hosting the shower and leave it at that.
Post # 4
@MrsPanda99: Free loaders upset me too. I feel as if you have answered your own question when you said you don’t want to see her or give her anything. People like this have a way of always being a free loader. It sounds like you don’t want anything to do with her or her life – I would cut the friendship off. It is impossible to be friends with someone you can’t respect. I would leave that freeloader in the dust and let her find someone else to leech off of.
Post # 5
One of my nurses aides is like this. She’s pregnant and she’s like “when I have the baby I’m gonna drop down to part time and get assistantce from the government.”
Lazy, lazy, irresponsible. Ugh.
Post # 6
@MrsTillerResq: I am definitely not hosting a shower…nor do I think I will attend one. There are so many couples who want babies and can afford them, and it always seems like people like my “friend” are the ones to get pregnant.
She was never like this before. People change and I guess I have to accept that.
Post # 7
@pinksprinkles: We have been friends for so long – there is a lot of history. However, she has changed a lot since getting married. All she cares about is a baby and before she was really excited to start a career (we have the same degree). I am not sure I can separate this behaviour from the kind of friend she is so I do think I will have to let this relationship take its natural course.
Post # 8
I think they could make it work with $40,000 a year, but they will have to live very frugally. It will need to be second hand toys and baby stuff for them. As this is the decision that they are making, its not really fair to expect friends to pick up the tab for the little luxuries. If you offer, that’s one thing, but to ask or expect is another.
As for government assistance, I don’t see what is wrong with that if they qualify without making a fraudulent claim. Is it not there to help out low income families? They have a lot of dept from there education, you could argue that is unfair, just because their parents could not afford it. Whereas, someone with rich parents by accident of birth has no dept to contend with after. I completely believe that a healthy society is a place where the rich pay more in taxes and the poor have access to assistance. It helps to balance society and ensures that everyone gets more of a fair chance and it ends up better for the economy in the end too.
Post # 9
I’ve got a cousin in a very similar situation. He doesn’t make much and his wife wants to be a SAHM. They had one child and then realized that they couldn’t afford their apartment and the child at the same time. They gave up their apartment and moved in with my Aunt in her 3 bedroom house who was already hosting my other cousin, his wife, and their two kids while they were house hunting and trying to close on a house (it took over 8 months). While there they had a second child and got pregnant with a third. They lost the third sometime in the second trimester due to some kind of rare complication which was sad. Since then they have moved out into a living situation of their own. When they were trying for a third and couldn’t even afford an apartment I admit that I rolled my eyes behind their back and wondered why my cousin’s wife wouldn’t get even a part time job to help support the family. Heck she watches so many of my cousin’s kids during the day she should just start her own daycare.
It really bothers me when people intentionally have a child without a concrete support plan for that child in place. I feel that it’s irresponsible and exactly the wrong foot to start off on with such a huge responsibility like parenting.
Post # 10
horrible those people infuriate me too
Post # 11
@gingernutjo: They can’t even support the two of them on $40,000/year. We live in Toronto, which is not exactly cheap. Also, they are low income by choice. She could be working and making as much as I do – she chooses not to. It’s not like she is a victim of circumstance – she is making her own choices.
Post # 12
@MrsPanda99: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa??? Holy crow – that’s a terribly selfish choice she’s making, and her husband is demonstrating that he has the spine of a wet dishrag. WOW. If she wants to do this, she should go to work and earn the $ to fund it!
Unfortunately, there’s not a lot you can do about it besides retreat from the situation. Cut her off.
Post # 13
I’d nicely and calmly tell her that you don’t feel comfortable hosting her shower, but I know that I (personally) would be struggling to not tell her how I really felt about her choices of financial planning/government assistance in this regard. Heck, I’m livid for you!
Post # 14
@Eckle: I come from a family with 5 kids. I’d LOVE to have 5 kids. However, I can’t afford any more than 2. I want to make sure my children won’t have to do without, will be able to participate in organized sports, be able to go on field trips, take family vacations with us, etc. Sure, all you need is love but having a nice quality of life is something I want to provide. I wouldn’t have wanted to grow up poor, so I am not going to live outside my means and make my children have that fate.
She did mention moving back in with her parents, which I really don’t see as a solution – it’s still living off someone else, and her parents don’t have much either. If you can’t afford to sustain a lifestyle, then perhaps you need to make changes to what you are doing before you introduce another member of the family. Some people just don’t care and only think about what they want. For her, life consists of “BABY BABY BABY” and nothing will change that. I guess I work so hard to pay for other people’s kids they can’t afford to have to begin with.
Post # 15
@MrsPanda99: honestly? I’d let this friendship go. there is no way in hell I would give my hard earned money to an able bodied adult who refuses to work. I don’t think she has baby fever – I think popping out kids is her excuse not to get a damn job and to get her hands on an income stream courtesy of the taxpayers.
She’s lazy, selfish, a leech and monumentally entitled. I can’t be friends with someone I don’t respect. No way i’d have any part of her gift grab baby shower.
Post # 16
@ANGELaaimt: I think I will have to do that. FI and I own a few income properties and she mentioned moving into one (I don’t mix business with friends or family to begin with, let alone in this situation). She has her eye on a condo we rent out for $2,600/month. She said she can afford $700 all inclusive. That’s nice, then you can’t afford my condo! Oh, it makes me mad, lol.
FI says if I hang out with them he would rather stay home with our dog 😛