Firstly, understand, that I am a guy, and this is coming from a guys persepective. Please take this with a grain of salt. I use a bit of “color” to make a point. In the end, my response is about accountability in relationships… something that is completly missing in this thread. Forgive typos and misspellings.
Couples go through ups and downs and speaking from first hand experience, the first year of marriage for me has been a living hell. I married a vibrant, gamefully employed, fun loving, devoted woman. We were both career orientated, had discussed our plans, expectations, spiritual and family beliefs, financial asperations, you name it. She is a therapist and I am a really well adjusted guy. We have complete transparency and can and do discuss everything. Well, a year later, she can’t hold a job, was hiding a eating disorder from me, has a litney of excuses why she can’t do this or do that, and has put on 50lbs to boot. In an effort to be a good husband, we decided she can work for my very young start up company doing administration. after that failed abismaly, it turns out that my wife defines lazy and spends more time and effort looking for excuses than addressing the issue. My whole life has changed from hopeful life building to immense health affecting stress and constant stuggle in supporting our life and a woman who wants to sit at home, surf facebook, eat, and sleep. It isn’t depression, we would address it if it were, she openly admits it, and is trying to take measures. I have sold my toys, surrendered my free time, and am now preparing to sell my vehicle and house… yet help is nowhere.
I want to talk to you ladies about this part of reality called the other side of the fence. On this side of the fence exist things like honesty, truth, and looking at hard facts in order to flesh out root causes. You know, when a husband is honest to you and tells you that he isn’t happy, has lost the feelings for you, and wish he hadn’t married. Now, I know runsyellowlite along with most women will jump and call that VERBAL ABUSE… oh you poor victim, how dare he actually express any feelings to you or have a voice in his own life. He’s a jerk caust the truth hurts? Really? Did it ever dawn on you that just maybe he is being honest and that sometimes the truth hurts? Or, is it easier to put the liability of those words on him as abusive behavior instead of facing the very real possiblity that you, your behavior, or a particual dynamic that you bring to the marriage, doesn’t make your husband happy and that at this point he actually wishes he hadn’t married you? In all this post and comments all I have read about is “me” and “I” and how “I feel”. Did your husband ask to be your everything? in your depression and lonliness how much have you changed in the first moments of your marriage? How much did you include him in that process…or is he supposed to be a mind reader and then punished when found out to not be one? How much of it is his fault? To take is a step further, what is more important, a husband who is truthful and expresses what needs to be expressed, or a husband that buries, or worse yet is put into a positon where he feels he needs to bury truths on how he feels and what he sees in the relationship because you immediately go to “hurt feelings’ or “how dare you say that to me”? Yeah.. that won’t lead to resentment. How healthy do you think your relationship will ever be if your husband can’t say things to you because they hurt. Are you so perfect in your behaviors, intitiled in your mere existence, or safe in the world that you are immune to getting hurt? Do you think your behavior doesn’t hurt him? Really? Does the world REALLY revolve around you? I realize verbal abuse exists and I am very congnitive of it and obviously don’t condone it. However, if you are in the midst of a failing marriage, chances are your husband is experienceing it too. I don’t know.. what do you think? If depsarate words from a desparate man are only wieghed by how they affect your feelings, then you are selfish, ignorant, and incapable of reciprocal relationship.
Another example… and I am sure this will light you fires. If a woman is 5.2 and 180lbs… guess what folks, she is fat. Body mass index is about 39% body fat, blood pressure is up, she getting head aches, she can’t sleep, her self esteem is battered, her cholesterol is up, and in a big way, the rapid weight gain has adversly affected her life. Hmmm… let me see, this is either good for her, or bad for her. Now, obviously as a man who loves this woman, I need to be sensative on how I acknowledge her questions, and I certainly want to reassure her that i still love her and am still attracted to her. However, when she asks me if something makes her look fat, I say no, the extra 50lbs does. When she wonders why she is having a litney of health issues, i gently bring up that maybe it is the extra 50lbs. I can either be truthful even though it brings a painful message, or I can lie, passify, appease, and let my wife live a miserable life of obesity on her way to an early death. And if I pandered to her feelings, this is exactly what would happen. Instead, I chose to fight for my wifes life even if it means hurting her feelings along the way. Oh, and by the way, because I had the guts to do so, we are starting a 21 day raw foods diet, have commited to one another to support each other in eating healthy, and she has joined the community center down the street to take zumba classes. Instead of letting her feelings control the weight issue, she operates under the support of a husband who sees the fat, loves her still, but cares enough about her to fight with and for her.
(mini soapbox – nevermind the fact that men are visually driven. I mean after all, beauty is on the inside right? At least that is the excuse I hear from women who let themselves go. Why try to look good for him? Afterall, you tried to look your best when you where trying to get him to marry you, but now that the hook is set, why care about his feelings or thoughts now. Here’s a hint for you… he is still visually driven.)
I closing i will make two points. First, men are not here to be your cheerleaders. any spouce worth thier salt is going to be a mirror for you. Behaviors you have gotten away with will quickly be revealed when someone else has to deal with them day and day out. They will love you in the process, but growth and change are a part of life. Anyone who tells you that you can’t change someone is a complete moron. My wife has changed me for the better in many ways. I had no idea I was capable of such patience. She has taught me to love people without resentment even if I dislike any poor behaviors they may have. Her lazyness is ground breaking. When we first got married and it was quickly revealed, I felt scammed. I was THAT guy who married an awesome woman and no sooner did the honeymoon end that she quits her job, sleeps to 11:00, gains 50lbs, and calls herself a homemaker who doesn’t clean, cook, and hardly does laundry or shop. I’m doing my part… where is hers? BUT, through all the gentle and not so gentle conversation, through all me telling her how I unhappy I am, how I am drowing in financial and marrital stress, how I wish I hadn’t gotten married and it isn’t love to marry someone only to completly quit life so you can parasite off him, guess what, she sees the bevaior and is growing out of it. Did her feelings get hurt, yes. did MY feelings get hurt? A hell of a lot more than hers did! Did she have a friend call me a jerk and abusive cause I said it.. oh yeah. DID I HAVE THE GUTS TO DO THE WRITE THING AND FIGHT FOR US ON THE UGLIEST OF BATTLEFIELDS, EVEN IF IT MENT GOING “THERE” YOU BET YOUR A–. AND… becasue she had the character and strength to see it for what it was, pray about, she saw the truth in it. In the end she told me she knew she was like that her whole life. Her dad always bailed her out and she has gotten fired from e v e r y j o b because of it. She was so thankful to have a husband who would fight for her and shoot straight on the hard things. Now, that the issue is identified, and we aren’t divorcing because some ignorant busy body girl friend convinced her that I was abusive, we now work on it together as a team. Just like we do many areas of my life and personality. Lord knows, I have been her place and listened to her tell me about my areas. It all goes back to being a mirror AND HAVING THE SALT TO SEE WHAT’S TO SEE AND DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE! And if when the moment you get your feelings hurt run to the abuse thing or fault thing or anything but me thing, guess what, until you can reflect on what is being said and get off your own emotions, you will never be happy in a relationship and God help whoever you are with because they will live a life of misery with you.
The second thing is this: focus on if you are being the best you can be in your marraige. When something is so bad that it needs to be talked about, then talk about it and have the guts to hear what is being said. Other than that, worry about you and if you are doing the best you can and being the best you can be.
I know this comes off as harsh and I mean it to. Life isn’t about feelings, it is about thought life. The infatuation stage or honeymoon stage of relationship is short lived folks, from there on life is a choice, an action, an attitude, and logistical. We don’t live in Hallmark movies. We have to maintain romance, work at passion, and walk a walk because we have decided what we want the destination to be.