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You need a fourth option on your poll for people like me! I chose my own ring and STILL have major ring regret. I could have never known that my white gold, large pear-cut sapphire with diamond halo would end up being so not what I would like as an e-ring, but it feels at various times unsafe, fake-looking, and not the right color for my outfits. Also, I've ALWAYS been a yellow gold person, I just love it, but I thought I wanted a sapphire e-ring and don't like the way sapphires look set in yellow gold. My heart was breaking thinking that I couldn't have a yellow gold wedding band without it looking ridiculous next to my e-ring. Also, the band is this skinny, plain, white gold thing, but I really love antique, intricate settings. :/
So we've decided to save up and buy me a different e-ring, and I'll keep this sapphire ring as a right-hand ring, just like you sound like you'd want to if you ever replaced yours. A costly decision, but my mom has helped out by agreeing to donate the 18k yellow gold setting from her old e-ring (she lost the diamond a few years ago and my dad bought her an anniversary band, which she wears instead now...the setting sits in her jewelry box, rockless) to our ring purchase. This summer while I'm living in New York I'm going to find a jeweler to recreate this pretty ring I found (with a few minor adjustments to some of its features): http://www.antiquereflections.com/detail.asp?id=610, except I'm going to have 1 1-carat and two .5-carat Moissanite stones set into it, since that's all we can afford right now, especially since my sapphire ring cost us a pretty penny! Maybe in a few decades we'll replace them with some near-flawless diamonds, but until then I'll be happy with my super-sparkly Moissanite set in my dream band!
Good luck on either growing to love your ring a little more or finding some benevolent donor to pay for your new one. ;) If your fiancé realizes, after that fact that you aren't entirely at ease with your ring has set in, that it's never going to make you happy and you'll be wearing your ring for life, he might come around, as much as it hurts that you aren't happy with his choice. A suggestion for how to pay for it--look around for contests! There are so many, run by jewelers and their affiliates, where you can win rings. That would certainly help you deal with the cost of getting a new ring. Good luck! And by the way, yes, I think a lot of people take their ring off from time to time. I take mine off quite a bit because the stone is just way too big and gets in the way a lot!
Well, depending on how strongly he feels about it, he's probably going to be a bit hurt. That's just kind of the way it is as far as changing up something someone has purchased for you.
I suppose you just have to think about how important this is to you. Personally I might wait it out a bit; settings aren't free. Just see if it grows on you? That way you both feel like you gave it a chance and tried to be economical.
Though I've never heard of someone taking their ring off bc it hurts! Usually if it's that tight you can't get it on or off, period!
Have you gotten your ring sized? Tightness is really easily fixable, and if that's the only reason you take it off, you might want to get it sized so that it's comfortable and see if it grows on you a bit more easily.
I chose my rings with my FI and love them. They are sparkly, yet simple, delicate and practical for my busy/active lifestyle. Plus, I didn't want to spend much on rings and put more towards the house and traveling plans that we have. However I feel like I have to justify all that to people who look at my rings and expect more diamonds or bigger ones or whatever. I wouldn't change them, because I did try lots and lots of other, more "conventional" kinds of rings, and they were just not me, didn't feel right on me. So mine are here to stay, we chose them together, but I wish people were less critical.
With all your jewelry being silver color and him buying a yellow gold that doesn't match with anything else, I wish he will be able to see that it's not that his ring isn't beautiful, but just that it could be better... Anyway you have to do something about the size, so you should fix everything at once.
I chose the last choice - but I love my ring!
I never would have chosen it, and I told J exactly what I wanted, and he didn't buy it for me. He picked something else instead. But as soon as that ring slipped on my finger, I totally fell in love with it. You know why? Because J heard what I told him, and instead of just doing what he was told, he took thought about WHY I liked the ring that I liked and he found one with similar elements and he picked it out. And he bought it for me. He picked it, he bought it, he gave it to me.
My ring is a symbol of our relationship - it's not about what I want, it's about us and what we create and discover together. We know each other's wants and needs, and we're finding ways to work them into each other so that we can operate as a unit, instead of two separate entities.
I take off my ring at night if that makes you feel better. It's the right size and is almost a little loose during the day, but I get hot overnight and my fingers swell a little. I also take it off to do dirty outside work - FI actually suggested that. I would check the size on your ring though if it's always too tight. As far as it being yellow gold I would just live with it - it's good that you value it because your FI picked it. Eventually you can have the diamond reset, but in the mean time I wouldn't want to hurt you FI's feelings.
My fiance and I went ring shopping together a bunch of times. He knew very well what style I was looking for, but he found the actual ring himself. I love it, but I do wish I had gotten something I could wear a band with - this ring really doesn't allow for it.
I always take my ring off at night - I would totally scratch my face up with it while I slept and my hands tend to swell a lot with heat and at night so sometimes it feels a little uncomfortable. If it's bothering you that much, you should get it sized - it's an easy fix. Good luck finding a new setting - I think if you explain it to him the way you did to us, he'll understand.
I would say, wear the one he bought you. I am sure it is a pretty big blow to him if you don't like it. Could you ask for a less expensive dummy ring in white metal for when you want to match your other jewelry, but use his ring primarily, if only to make him happy?
I chose he second choice, but wish that there were colore stones along with the diamonds. If I would have had any clue he was shopping I would have gone with him to give him an idea of what I wanted, but I still love my ring cuz he spent so much time and put a lot of thought into it. I have to take mine off every night, its got a high setting and my fingers swell when I'm sleeping. He got a free wedgewood box when he bought it, so that and my wedding ring go in there when I"m not wearing them. I got a for now wedding band cuz that's all we could afford, but once we can save some money, plan on getting a blue and white sapphire enhance band to go with my ering
You could always have the setting plated to be white gold. This could make you both happy! You get a white gold setting and it's still the original one he proposed with. One of my good friends had this done with a bracelet from her FI that she wears all of the time now. And, luckily, it wasn't too expensive! However, depending on how much you rub your ring on things you may have to get it plated fairly often. Since you're like me though, and you take your ring off when you sleep/lounge, it may not be too bad. 
I'm actually doing this with a necklace my father bought me for my wedding day!
I am in the exact same position! I had NO idea that he was ring shopping, or I would have dropped hints. I like the ring he got me because he proposed to me with it, yet I don't love it and can't get around the fact that when I see it my heart doesn't flutter (though it DEFINITELY does when I think about the proposal and him :)). This makes me feel like a bad person! I'd love to just change the setting and keep the stone, but I feel bad. I've talked to him about it, and his feelings are a bit hurt, but ultimately he wants me to have something I love, I just haven't had the heart to make the final decision yet. The ring fits me perfectly, and I've had 2+ months for it to grow on me...it just hasn't. Blah! I want something very similar (a bezel setting instead of a prong setting), but in my eyes different enough that I would love it a lot more!
AnneNM82, I feel you, girl. Thanks for sharing, it made me feel better.
Perhaps you could get your ring dipped so it is either white gold or platinum and then get an engagement ring that is more your style? I would also recommend getting the ring sized so that you don't have to keep taking it off.
EDIT: I meant wedding band that is your style, not engagement ring.
I take my e-ring off every night to sleep. My hands swell in my sleep and when I have tried to leave it on 24/7, I wake up with my finger swollen and throbbing. So yes, I do believe your finger hurts! You probably will not be happy changing out the ring. Even if you love your new ring, you will always look at it as the ring you swapt "his" ring for. Keep the ring you have, laugh at the story behind it, and eventually ask for an anniversary band to wear as an alternate to go with your white gold jewelery. His ring is the ring he fell in love with for you, or he wouldn't have purchased it. I would assume he put a lot of time and thought into it. That should be enough to help you through the difficult times that you wish you had a different ring. No one probably can make you feel completely better about the situation, but I hope you feel comfort in knowing you aren't the only one!
I basically picked out the ring with my hubby, but I wish I had done more research and tried on more rings. If nothing else, I wish I had selected a different centerstone...I would have chosen a rectangular radiant instead of an emerald cut. Oh well, though, such is life!
Ok, I am on my second engagement ring.
Here's what happened. I thought FI knew what I liked, but when he popped the question with a beautiful, but so-not-me 3 stone e-ring, I couldn't help but feel slightly deflated. (This has nothing to do with size of the diamonds, we're both in grad programs and are so poor!). I just wanted a setting that was more 'me'. I didn't say anything for about 5 months...but FI knew I didn't love the ring itself because he can read me like a book. When we started to shop for weddding bands I found a setting that I just LOVED. For Chirstmas, FI had my original e-ring re-set. The center stone is still the same---but the two side stones of my old 3 stone are now diamond stud earrings. I saved the original setting with the idea of having the whole ring put back together eventually down the line for sentimental purposes. Honestly, I love my new e-ring, and FI is thrilled that I'm happy. If it bothers you a lot, tread carefully but find a way to make it right!
I agree! He'll get over it once he sees your complete happiness with your new ring, but he can pout until then!
His pride may be a little wounded, but ultimately most guys just want to make you happy. If you get a new ring, be sure to show him extra appreciation, be extra smiley, and make sure he knows you LOVE it and LOVE him!
I voted #2. I'm wearing an heirloom ring which we've had reset. But we had it reset pretty much identically to its previous setting. I needed it to be a little larger as it didn't fit, and I wanted six prongs instead of four.
I put mine on when I'm going out and most nights I take it off as soon as I get home. I don't shower with it and I don't sleep with it. I put it in the same exact place, too, so I always know where it is.
Good luck with your decision. You're very kind to consider his feelings in all of this.
Wow! I don't think I'll be able to respond to each of your posts, but it was interesting and helpful reading all of them. I'm glad I'm not the only one in this sort of awkward situation where the symbol of our love together isn't exactly "me." I don't know if this might help you talk to your man about it, mudbug, but one thing I've done is to emphasize how much I love the stone itself. (He really did do a good job with the 4 C's while still keeping it affordable for himself.) I'm also glad I'm not the only girl who doesn't wear her ring 24/7... I was hoping I wasn't being a bad fiance by not keeping it on my finger at all times! ;)
With the "too tight" feeling-- When I go to different places with different temperatures, or when the temperature changes outside, my fingers sometimes swell, which makes the ring tighter. Since it's just on the cusp of "too tight," the discomfort varies by degrees (literally). But I've lost around ten pounds since he gave me the ring (Pretty much just by limiting my coffee consumption and ordering a different coffee drink! Love my coffee...), so it isn't as tight as it initially was. My fingers still swell a little at night, though, so I don't sleep in it. On the other hand, I work part-time in a bookstore that is often kept really cold (so annoying!), and when I'm there, the ring fits okay; other rings have sometimes slipped off my finger there because of the way the temperature affects my finger size!
Maybe I should just get this one's size altered just a tad for now, and when we buy our wedding bands, maybe I can get a new matching engagement ring at the same time. I would just have it dipped and colored differently, except that I don't like the design of the setting itself 100% either. I will definitely tread lightly, since I don't want to make him feel bad about his choice. But also, I feel a little hurt that he didn't get one that would match my other jewelry. (He knows how I like matching, and he's well aware of which pieces of jewelry are my favorite.)
And now, after reading your posts and thinking it over this past weekend, I've realized that THIS ring IS kind of growing on me. I don't like all the aspects of it, but I'm starting to make my peace with yellow gold. Maybe I'll start a poll about yellow gold vs. white gold (vs. alternatives). I thought that the picture of the yellow gold ring that veganglam attached was really pretty. It seems like yellow gold might be coming back in style, too... But then, it seems like if I'm going to wear this for the rest of my life, I should feel 100% about it! Decisions are hard! Maybe I'll wait till we buy the bands and see how I feel then.
Someone else mentioned this above but you could def have it rhodium plated. That way it looks jut like white gold. That may make you like it alot more. I just had this done with a ring that used to be my grandmothers. It was only $45 so you could try it out and see how you feel about it. Good luck!
I hope that one day I can say that he picked it out and got my style right. I love surprises, so I definitely don't want to be around to choose per se. But I think I've dropped enough hints about what my style is that he'll get it right.
I'm so glad others are in the situation of not having 'their' style ring (almost 20%!). I agree that it means a lot because he picked it out, and it means so much more than what it looks like. I haven't told FH, but he knows me. I don't plan on changing it - but I like the idea of 10 years down the road or whenever maybe getting something else and keeping this one.
#1: get that thing re-sized, it should not cause you discomfort!! This is not super expensive or involved, any jeweler can do it.
#2: get it rhodium plated. i'm not sure how much this would cost, but i have a nice yellow gold pendant that my jeweler said would be around $40 to turn white. note: this will need to be redone as the plating will wear away depending on how rough you are with it and whether you solder your wedding band to it or not.
it's easy girl! hopefully he wouldn't be offended by you turning it to white gold, just tell him it's so all your other jewelry will match! personally i'm in the 'appreciate what he gives you' camp, but the only way you'll get anything resolved is to talk until there is a resolution.
@AnneNM82: "Does anyone have any ideas about how I could go checking out a new setting without hurting his feelings?"
Nope. You have to decide what's more important to you - having exactly the ring you want or your FI's feelings.
I guess I'm puzzled that you claim the ring he chose is beautiful and "special" to you but...not beautiful and special enough to wear?
Do you dislike the setting or the color? If it is just the color, you may think about getting the yellow gold rhodium plated so it has a silver color to it. You will need to get it replated about 6 months or so but it's not a huge investment and it seems like that could be a win-win. You FH will be happy with the setting and you will be happy with the color! Or you could get it rhodium plated and purchase an enhancer to go with it, that way the setting will look completely different. Good luck!
IF it's just the color, you can have that changed. The size, you definitely need to get adjusted! If it hurts now, you won't be able to wear it for the rest of your life. It shouldn't be uncomfortable!
I would take it to the jeweler where he bought it to get it resixed, and maybe talk to them about either having it overlayed ro changing it. I don't think it would cost much, but that will depend on what you pick out.
If you tell your FI how much you love him and how much you appreciate that he bought that ring for you, but that you would like to make a few changes to the band, I think it is all in your approach. If you whine about it (I'm not saying you are) that's different than showing how much yo uappreciate it but that it is not quite right for wearing the rest of your life.
My original engagement ring was okay. The band was too wide and made the diamond look small, it's just something I wouldn't have chosen myself. It also bothered my skin because water was getting trapped underneath it. So we went back to the jewellry store and we were allowed to exchange the band for the same price or anything higher as long as we paid the extra and the diamond would get transferred. So I chose a thin band with 8 diamonds in it which was the same price as the original band so we didn't get charged anything and it suits my hand a lot better.
I voted for the 2nd one but I actually told the FI what I "didn't" like and he went off that as far as stones. He chose a style of stone that I've never really seen and is a little more rare to find. And I LOVE it, wouldn't trade it for the world. I'm in love with the look and the fact that he gave it to me! The e-ring setting he went off of what I love. I also have to take my ring off everynight before bed, my fingers swell at night. I also take it off before showering else it gets caught when I am shampooing/conditioning my hair - ouch.
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My fiance picked out a lovely yellow gold solitaire ring for me, but I only ever wear silver-colored, mainly semi-vintage-looking jewelry. He seems a little hurt when I bring up the idea of finding a different setting (I love the diamond itself). He doesn't seem to understand that I can think the setting is beautiful, and yet want one that is more "me." It doesn't help that this ring is a bit too small, and I end up taking it off when we're lounging because it feels too tight. By the way, is it normal to take off your ring? I especially have to at night; otherwise, it hurts. Does anyone else do this?
He doesn't have a TON of money to buy me a different setting, especially since he keeps reminding me that now we both need to save for the wedding, which we're paying for ourselves. Also, lately I've been feeling like I'd like to keep the original one even if I get a new one. I know it's kind of silly, but this ring that I never would've picked out myself is really special to me-- because it's the one he chose. It makes him feel bad to talk about different settings. The conversation kind of just ended because we got busy doing other stuff. I definitely will want a different one when we get wedding bands to match. And I'll want whatever is going to be the permanent one before we get our engagement photos taken.
Does anyone have any ideas about how I could go checking out a new setting without hurting his feelings? Do you think I should just stick with the setting I have for awhile longer? Or should I just get used to it for good?