Post # 1
I will do my best to keep this concise and subjective,
Exactly one week ago I received a text message from my mom asking me if I would be okay if she married her live in boyfriend. They have been dating/living together for approx a year and a half. She has never in the presence of me or my brothers discussed getting married again(this would be her 4th marriage.)
I immediately called her and asked her an “Are you serious?” of sorts. She went on the explain that to be honest they had been engaged for almost two weeks prior to this text message, In that time period I had spoke to her at least a dozen times and seen her face to face twice-one of the days her and I spend by ourselves shopping eating lunch, just driving around talking, yet she forgot to mention that she was engaged.
Okay now yesterday she through another text message(even though I had told her it hurt me that she messaged me something so important) she told me that her birthday December 17th would now also be her birthday!!!
After calling her to clarify what the crap she was talking about, she informed me that she was going to get married on Dec 17th(THIS FRIGGIN YEAR) and that I should dress very causally because she and her groom will be wearing blue jeans, no big deal!
I’m getting married in July for the first and last time and I’m sorry it is a HUGE deal. I’m so hurt. I’m in a bad position. She isn’t telling her parents or sibiling who I’m close with.
Advice? How do I not push her away with my upset?
Post # 3
I can only imagine how frustrated and hurt you may feel. This is your mom. You know a lot more to the history of her marriages than we would so with knowing what I know and reading your frustrastion and hurt. I think its best you just support her by attending and leaving it at that. You are making a decision to marry your Fiance and if someone didn’t approve or wasn’t happy for you, you would possibly pull away from them. Let her know that you wish she felt she could talk to you and share this news in a different way and even share it with other loved ones. But mom I will be there in support and truly wish you and your future husband well.
Leave it at that. You are about to get married yourself and will be focused on your marriage soon enough. These emotions will pass.
Post # 4
Are you hurt because she’s getting married? because she’s getting married before you? because she’s lying to your family? Based on your initial reaction I can see why she hesitated to tell you. My grandmother is on her 4th marriage and trust me we all rolled our eyes when she got engaged AGAIN. All you can do is be supportive and hope it works out for her this time.
Post # 5
@LGenz: I’m not hurt that her wedding will end up being before mine, haha I have too much planning to do to wish it was here 😉
I’m hurt that she has such a major life event going on and it feels like she is purposely downplaying it. If it was her 7th time getting married and she was elated I would be there with bells on. It just feels like she is so indifferent. When I have tried to talk to her about it she changes the subject. Since I am planning my wedding and on cloud 9 about marring a man I’m banana’s about it hard for me that she doesn’t have that same joy, because she feels stuck toting around her past.
Post # 6
@BethAnnG: It may be that she’s not trying to downplay the seriousness of getting married so much as she’s trying not to steal your thunder. She asked you if it was okay to get married, so she was probably trying to guage if you’d feel she was taking away from your day.
As for keeping it casual and lowkey, you did say it’s her fourth marriage. Even though she wants to get married, she may feel a bit weird and awkward and that’s tempering her plans and emotions.
Perhaps try telling her that you’re happy for her and ask her if she’s downplaying it because she’s afraid of detracting from your event or worried people won’t be supportive since it’s the fourth time. Give her an opportunity to open up and share her feelings. Then take it from there.
Post # 7
Well I think you should support her. Maybe she is down playing her wedding because she doesn’t want to rain on your parade. Or maybe she’s a little embarrassed that this will be her 4th marriage? I know sometimes people can be really critical about stuff like this. I know that if I was going into a second marriage I would scale everything way down, thats just me. She shouldn’t have texted you the news, but you’ve told her how that hurt you so now she knows not to do it again. Its great that your mom has found happiness!
Post # 8
Actually, I do not see the problem. Is it that she essentially kept you in the dark about this? I mean they were living together, so getting married isn’t that much of a stretch. She is keeping it casual and there’s nothing wrong with that. And she is probably doing it all quietly to AVOID “stealing your thiunder” because Moms are thoughtful like that. I understand her feelings about keeping it low-key as I am planning my third wedding and I am keeping it simple as well. I assume I am probably your Mom’s age (or a bit older) and I kind of just do what I am going to do. I have lost most of any need to consult or inform others of my intentions – even family members.
Post # 9
@nickels: Oh my, well I told it hurt me that she texted me that she was engaged. So four days later she texted me that she was getting married in about a week. So yeah not a whole lot of progress made.
Post # 10
@BethAnnG: Honestly If my dad were to tell me he was remarrying (for the 3rd time) I would most certainly feel icky about it. You would think your parents would tell you about their major life changes. It just feels like they don’t want you involved with their new lives if they choose to hide things from you. I get it!
Post # 11
@MsBrooklynA: AH! Thanks I felt like perhaps I was crazy. I get it, what people are saying, be happy for her happiness-love that. I just don’t feel the joy when being brushed off from a woman who i share everything with.
Of course as requested I will be there in my blue jeans and a smile on, put it is still very painful